Another summer job...

I sang/danced at an amusement park in Utah a few years ago. It was a great job for three reasons.

1. Food: I could eat endless chicken nuggets with no consequence to my figure.

2. Fans: Men with mullets and neglected teenagers from across the northern region of the state who frequented the park by choice loved me.

3. Dance Moves: Ever seen Zac Efron dance and sing? Yeah, well, I freakin' invented those moves. I own them and I'm still waiting for my check.

I found my summer job today...

I will be a college graduate in May but I'm a little depressed about it. Why? Because I don't want to give up my summer vacations. In fact, I won't give up my summer vacation. How?

This is how my plan came to pass:

It's a sunny Thursday afternoon and Jenna's last day of spring break. Janae, Ashley, Eva and Jenna order lunch at Taco Bell.

Jenna: I'm going to get the fresco chicken burrito supreme.

Janae: Is that good?

Jenna: Sure, I like it. I'm eating it. It's FRESCO. (flashes intense spirit fingers)

Janae: Ok, I'll get that too.

Their food comes and they sit in their favorite booth.

Janae: This is gross. Take it away. I can't eat it.

Jenna: (takes a big bite) Oh. They say, if you don't like it, they'll eat it.

Janae: Ashley, take this back for me. It's so salty.

Jenna: I don't think it's salty. Plus, I like salt. (pours a salt packet on burrito)

Janae: It's salty.

Ashley takes it back and gets a chicken quesadilla for Janae instead. A few minutes later...

Jenna: That's it! I'll eat it.

Janae: (moves her quesadilla away from Jenna) Order your own quesadilla

Jenna: Nooo, If you don't like it, I'll eat it. That's my summer job. I could sit over there and eat rejected food.

Janae: Jenna, the Taco Bell Reject. That's good. I can work here with you.

Jenna: Yeah, you'll be the manager and I'll be the Taco Bell Reject mascot.

Janae: We'll put you in a cage, elevate it, and then give you a diet pepsi IV.

Jenna: Sweet.

Ashley: I'll come and laugh at you.

Eva: Babada babada ba (me too in baby talk)

End Scene.



So folks, if you come to Provo this summer and crave a little TB (Taco Bell or Tuberculosis) head on down and visit me. Feel free to order anything you want because if you don't like it, I'll eat it.

Introducing....

Paula Abdul's lesbian daughter.

Whoa!

I dare you to find a bigger strawberry.

I am pseudo...

Last night I went to a pseudo apartment that smelled surprisingly better than I had previously imagined it might. But that's not the point of this story. As some of you readers might know, I enjoy learning new things that might help me in this world and last night I learned something that I am going to share with you for a small fee.

If you want to sound hip/cool/like you know what you are talking about, just throw the word "PSEUDO" in front of your favorite activities, food habits, hobbies, etc.

Now I'm new at this but I am going to try and give you some examples so you know what I'm talking about.

Jenna: I'm a pseudo-swimmer.

Friend: What does that mean?

Jenna: I think swimming is wrong.

Friend: But you went swimming last week.

Jenna: Well you know, sometimes swimming is unavoidable. That doesn't mean I agree with it.

Friend: Oh right, I get it. I'm a pseudo-drug dealer. I might deal drugs to make money but I know it's wrong and I don't do drugs.


Ok so I'm still getting used to the word. But here are some pseudo phrases that will definitely work in your favor.

Pseudo-Vegetarian - Sometimes you eat chicken but only when people force you too otherwise, you don't condone cruelty towards chickens. Instead you'd rather eat lettucy things like cabbage, for example.

Pseudo-Mormon - Be Mormon without actually BEING Mormon. They're so hip right now. Mormons are the new pink. Thanks Mitt!

Pseudo-TV watcher - This is for people who say, "I don't really like/watch TV but sometimes I watch The Hills and I Love New York but honestly, I totally HATE TV."

With the word pseudo, you'll fit in everywhere you go!

For more pseudo phrases and other tips on how to fit in (like how to metaphorically tame raging beastly lions), please e-mail your full name, credit card number, Social Security number, your address (not someone elses), cell phone number, AIM screenname, pant size, favorite food item at Taco Bell, your crush as well as his/her e-mail address, and a check for $39.99 plus 8.625% sales tax to Jenna Jones ASAP!

Tolerance for those who are lactose-challenged..

Last year, my digestive system decided that it hates dairy products. My body rejected dairy. Which isn't a big deal because I've dealt with rejection on many occasions. You think I'm kidding when I say I'm an e-harmony reject? NO, no. There are NO matches out there for me. (I am not compatible with ANYONE on the internet. I will be alone and now, without dairy, forever.)

So when my body said no to dairy, my nights with Mint Chip were over. It was a sad day. (Especially when Mint Chip asked for all of his CD's back.)

Life without dairy isn't easy which is why I wish people were a little more sensitive about it.

I repeat, there is a real lack of compassion towards people like me. When I break the news to friends of mine, I usually get one of these three responses:

Scenario 1:

Friend: How about pizza?

Jenna: I don't eat pizza anymore. I can't eat dairy.

Friend: Ugh, I'd rather DIE than give up dairy.

Scenario 2:

Friend: How about pizza?

Jenna: I don't eat pizza anymore. I can't eat dairy.

Friend: Does it give you diarrhea? That is so gross.

Scenario 3:

Friend: How about pizza?

Jenna: I don't eat pizza anymore. I can't eat dairy.

Friend: So like no ice cream? No cheese? No milk? What about milk chocolate? Or chocolate milk?

Jenna: I hate you.

I'm here to write that there is more to life than dairy products. Like, for example, um, well...

(several hours later)

OK. I'm back. I was having a hard time coming up with anything earlier BUT I did a little thinking, watched a little TV and I'm ready to go.

Being Lactose Intolerant is better than:

1. Switching from a PC to a Mac and losing the ability to "right click"
2. Being an in-the-closet heterosexual stuck on one of Rosie O'Donnell's gay cruises
3. Wet jeans
4. The Today Show (ALL 4 HOURS OF IT)
5. Watching The Today Show in wet jeans on one of Rosie's cruises for the rest of your life.
6. Milk breath

So let's practice a little tolerance for people like me. I mean, I tolerate all kinds of things. The music of Nickelback, the smell of steamed broccoli, stupid people, gay men who love Beyonce. So please, give me a chance. I might not be able to eat pizza with you but I sure as heck will watch you eat pizza. And I won't even talk about the fact that if you eat too much of it, it might make you fat. NO, I won't say it.

Can't we all just be friends?

I thought of something tonight...

Tonight the female American Idol contestants had to share their most embarrassing moments. What if one of them said:

"Last week, I pooped my pants a little during my song."

Now that's REALITY TV.

(I'm so sophisticated. Why do I think of these things? I don't know. They come to me and I can't resist writing them down.)

Love,
Jenna

P.S. I passed my Senior Colloquium today. Graduation, here I come!

Also, I will write a REAL post one of these days, including pictures. I promise!

Just so you know...

Oprah is starting a religion under the guise of an online course.

Watch out.

More details to come.

I learned something while watching the Oscars...

1. According to a television advertisement, a piece of Extra Sugar Free Gum is the new low calorie "snack."

2. Movies like Norbit can be nominated for an academy award. Norbit = Worst 10 minutes of my life.

3. I'm grateful I never saw Enchanted.

4. Strippers can be screenwriters too. BUT remember kids: respect your bodies and stay in school! Now do you think people really liked the way she wrote Juno OR were people just surprised that she actually wrote Juno? Alright, fine, I'm just being catty. Juno was a good movie. I hate the first 30 minutes. Actually Jennifer Garner made the movie for me. She should have been nominated. And...... I'm finished with my Juno speech. (I told you teen pregnancy was ALL the RAGE! When? See my previous post about 2008 predictions.)

5. One should never consume 8 Reese's Peanut Cups shaped like eggs in one sitting.

6. By 11:00 PM, the Oscars should be forced to end OR a leprechaun should come out and do some kind of lively performance OR Britney Spears should make a speech OR Jack Black and the audience should play a rousing game of Heads Up 7 Up OR that girl from Miss Teen USA should be asked a question about immigration (like, such as, the Iraq...) OR Gob should do a magic show OR Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton should have a dance off. Any of these acts would keep me interested.

7. Nicole Kidman shouldn't be allowed to move. Her head is so big, I'm sure it weighs more than the rest of her body, which means that any type of quick movement or even a small amount of speaking could cause her head to snap right off and then who would star in her upcoming 2008 "Untitled Nicole Kidman project?" I'd suggest Kate Winslet. She and Cate Blanchette should star in everything. I wish Amanda Bynes' name was Kate. Hey, can you imagine a movie with Amanda Bynes, Cate and Kate? I can. Now that's comedy my friends.

8. Owen Wilson presented an award. It was awkward as he couldn't read the teleprompter very well AND there wasn't anything funny about him. Why, why, why did they let him present? So we could all be reminded of his pain and suffering? Thanks a lot.

Oh, I'm exhausted and I have REAL homework to do. All this writing has made me hungry. I need a snack. I know! I'll have a piece of gum. Mmmmm, it's so filling. I'm completely satisfied after this piece of gum. And guess what, it's only a 5 calorie snack! All the boys are going to LOVE me now! Mmmmm, sugar free is the BEST! So delicious. I could eat gum ALL the time. If I just snack on gum all day, maybe I could skip meals. That's not an eating disorder, is it?

Sugar free gum = the gateway snack to eating disorders.

If the ipod were a religion, baptize me.

For those of you who know me, you know that I am a BIG, HUGE, for those of you who still think this word is original, "GI-NORMOUS," fan of the Backstreet Boys. They were the only boys who were there for me when I was 12 and even more painfully awkward than I might be right now. Every good BSB ballad is an angst filled tribute to love, usually bad love or love gone wrong, with a key change so intense, so powerful, it rips into your heart like Beaches, Steel Magnolias, Terms of Endearment and (spoiler alert) every other movie that Julia Roberts, or an actress similar to her, dies in. Their songs are more heartfelt than any episode of Extreme Makeover: Home Edition, more emotional than an American Idol farewell montage, and more romantic than a sheepskin rug, the beach at sunset, OR late night runs to McDonalds. With the invention of the ipod, I have been able to carry my BSB collection in my pocket everywhere I go. I wasn't a believer in the ipod when it was invented. I bought my first and only ipod in May of 2005 at NYU's computer store. It was the strangest piece of technology I had ever operated. THEN, after I finally figured out how it worked, something amazing, something beautiful, something only someone with the same love of BSB could understand and I was an ipod believer. It was fall 2005:

Insert dream like music.

Dissolve to: Spring St. right outside the C/E Train exit

I was coming home from a successful interview for a potential internship, this time at the Montel Williams Show, (yes, MONTEL) feeling especially like a hip New Yorker in my new, very professional looking black pea coat. At the moment I was soaring because I was listening to "Incomplete" from my boys' album Never Gone.

(Imagine these lyrics sung by beautiful boys with perfect harmony.)

"I don't wanna drag it on,
but I can't seem to let you go,
I don't wanna make you
face this world aaaaaaaallloooooooooone!"

(Pause...
followed by heartbreaking key change)

"I TRIED
to go on like I never knew you...."

It was during the pause that I looked up and saw Mr. Bloom. Mr. ORLANDO BLOOM! At first glance, I thought, do I know him? Then it hit me like my older sister Ashley used to do when she claimed that everything I did was irritating, including my breathing patterns: I am staring at LEGOLAS. He took another puff of his cigarette and our eyes met. For a good 10 seconds, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, we made eye contact.

The song was blaring, my heart was rushing: Orlando Bloom was staring at me. In my eyes, he probably saw a look of love. In his eyes, I saw, "Don't make a scene, but yes, I love you too..."

After I realized what was happening, I quickly turned my head away and floated down Spring St. I traveled half a block and turned around to look behind. He was still standing there. All alone. After another block, I wanted to go back and profess my love but when I turned around he was out of my view and out of my life forever.

The Backstreet Boys song ended, I continued to walk towards Broadway and my sad existence in the Broome St. Dorms. Not wanting the moment to end, I repeated "Incomplete" and it was clear that my life would be incomplete with out him.

Fade out:

End Scene.

Every time my ipod randomly shuffles onto this immortal song, I cry one tear, in honor of Mr. Bloom. Bless the Backstreet Boys. Bless Mr. Bloom. Bless New York City. Bless my sweet little green ipod mini.

Like I said, if the ipod were a religion, baptize me.