First of all, I didn’t realize that anyone actually ate at McDonalds unless they were in a foreign country and needed a super sized boost of America. I’ve always considered McDonalds as an occasional breakfast spot on vacation or a place to get a good diet coke before my mom, sister, and I roam the Dollar Tree.
I’ve been hearing a lot about the McRib lately. It’s BACK although I’m not quite sure where it went. Maybe it was locked away somewhere with the Spice Girls. They're back too!
Maybe McDonalds thinks if they pretend it's a big deal that the McRib is BACK then everyone will jump for joy and eat at McDonalds immediately. It’s like what I used to do to my brother Chuck when we were kids and my mom would ask me to help him clean his room. I’d get really excited and act like cleaning his room was more fun than Christmas or eating a Snickers bars or the Backstreet Boys reunion tour. Chuck would be energized about cleaning his room and thinking he was having a great time, would clean like a maniac while I casually strolled around his room watching.
(The rest of this blog post may or may not be 100% factual. This is why I didn’t major in journalism.)
I guess what goes around comes around because I’ll admit McDonalds completely suckered me into their McRib madness.
Last week as I drove past McDonalds and was filled with this mysterious tingly feeling.
The marquee spoke to me and the spinning golden arch left me hypnotized. All I wanted was the McRib! Oh McRib! Where have you been all these years???
I stared at the menu pondering.
I knew fate led me into that McDonalds because there was an even greater promotion than the McRib. If you bought a McRib combo meal, you could order a second McRib for only $1.00!!! I’m a sucker for dollar deals but I knew I couldn’t or shouldn’t eat a second sandwich alone so I called for backup. (Remember, some of this may not be 100% true i.e. I could probably eat two of just about anything.) My brother-in-law Clay came to the scene almost immediately. I knew I could count on him.
We both stood and stared at the menu in awe.
I hated everyone in front of us. The high school kids with their cell phones and their indecisive ordering. Yes, just get the chicken nuggets kids meal and no, don’t pay for it with the spare change that you found under the seat of your nasty car. Finally it was my turn. I ordered with more enthusiasm than The Pointer Sisters. I was so excited and no, I definitely couldn’t hide it.
The employee slapped that saucy meat on the bun, added the pickles and onions, and wrapped my precious McRib in it’s designated paper. I brought our McRibs back to the table.
Clay confessed that he hadn’t felt this emotional since his daughter’s birth.
Where are the ribs in this McRib sandwich?
The meat lacks the actual bone and yet looks like a rack of ribs How could that be? We probably don’t want to know. I imagine it might be worse than finding out what a hotdog is actually made of or perhaps what kind of meat is really served in the “beef” gordita at Taco Bell or why there are thumbs in Wendy’s Chili. (I know that was planted but it’s still terrifying to imagine.) I should add that I continue to eat all three of these examples regularly except thumbs of course. I’ll eat just about anything actually. For example: (warning: this has nothing to do with the McRib)
At Christmas, I ate a mysterious piece of candy called “reindeer corn” that had been placed in Janae’s ear, Clay’s bellybutton, and licked by my brother Tyler’s pug for $1.00. I ate two other pieces of Dollar Tree candy that had also been tampered with for another $2.00. I’ll do, no I take it back, I’ll EAT anything for a small fee and a hardy laugh. I earned $3.00 that night and then used it to go to the Provo Rec Center Gym the next day. I’m not sure I will ever grow up.
Anyway back to the glorious McRib!
It was particularly saucy.
I even stole a little bite of Clay’s when he wasn’t looking.
There's nothing like a Diet Coke to top it off.
I’m not really sure what happened to me after I ate the McRib.
All I know is when I woke up the next morning, I will still in my car, I had a massive headache, and a giant scar on my lower back. Clay was nowhere to be found.
My greatest fear was confirmed at the doctor later that week. I was missing an organ. One of my kidneys disappeared. Vanished. And I was left with this horrible scar. I really wish I could remember what happened to me after I left McDonalds.
Everytime I see an ad for them now, the empty space left by my kidney aches, likes it’s calling, reaching out...
What are McRibs made of?
