Sometimes I wonder if my dentist...

...thinks before he speaks.

My dentist in Utah still thinks I'm 14 which is fine, whatever. He's as weird as you'd expect any dentist to be. Perhaps some of you or your parents are dentists. That's great but I never met a dentist who isn't a little bizarro. I think it's all vacation time they get. Dentists are just too relaxed.

Well I thought my old dentist was a goof until I met Dr. Whateveryournameis (I really can't remember his name because even when I was staring at his name tag, I wasn't sure how to even begin to pronounce it) this morning at 8 AM. Because it was my first visit, my dentist wanted to perform my teeth cleaning personally so he could "get to know my mouth." Is that harassment? I can't decide but I'm leaning towards yes. He looked in my mouth, poked at my teeth and gums and then started to feel up my jaw. He was rubbing both sides of my face when he asked, "Have you always had such a strong jaw and such round cheeks?"

Oh dear. I couldn't help what happened next...the words just spewed from my mouth.

You know, Dr. Skelfhsiekbwei, my jaw wasn't always this strong but after years of what I call, stuffing-my-face-strength-training, I'm finally starting to see results. Thankfully, I've got these round cheeks from all that eating to support the strong jaw you've been massaging. Come on, really? Now even my jaw is fat? Listen up, dentist man, I'm big bone. Give me a break, I grew up in a big, strong and...big family. If you wanted to eat, you had to fight for your food and if you didn't end a meal sweaty, you weren't going to survive. So maybe, just maybe, all the chewing strengthened my jaw. And as for my chubby cheeks, well, maybe I retain a lot of water...or I'm tubby. I don't know. You tell me, you're the "doctor."

I sure told him. Okay fine, in reality, I said nothing because my teeth were covered in polish (which, by the way, is never thoroughly rinsed out leaving me with gritty mouth) and there was a hose sucking up any and all moisture in my mouth (I think my tongue started to shrivel up at one point).

Whatever. I like my jaw. And actually, I kind of liked the dentist. He didn't mess around, he's going to fix my teeth, and he takes my insurance. So basically, he's the man and he's going to get to know my mouth whether he likes it or not. Though from the way he was feeling up my jaw, I think he kind of liked it.

Love,
Jenna, the Beached Whale

Mid Week Pop Music Pick Me Up 6/17/09

I know I promised a little Aaron Carter but I've been thinkin' (more like dreamin') about these guyz the last few days.

The one on the left is my favorite.

These are the baddest (perhaps in more ways than one if you're a hater) white boyz of boy band music history. Ok they're at least in the top five. But seriously, these guys take boy bands to a whole new level with their exaggerated attempt to look and sound like they can rap.

5ive was created by Simon Cowell which only confirms that the man really is the genius he makes us all believe he is. And that genius totally makes up for his man boobs.

I've blogged this story before but I have to tell it once more. When I was young, like 10, 11, maybe 12, I bought 5ive's single, "Baby When the Lights Go Out" and listened to it secretly in my room because I didn't want my mom to know I was listening to such a scandalous song.

Click here if you want to see these British beaus sing about turning the lights off in a bowling alley with some super rockin' chicks. Boy bands love bowling. I love bowling. We should totally hang out.

Honestly, I didn't know that 5ive released any other songs in the US after "Baby When The Lights Go Out," because it was at that point in my life when I discovered the Backstreet Boys. So I just discovered the next two songs as well.

Follow this link for "Everybody Get Up." Best line of the chorus: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5ive will make you get down now." Get it? It's clever because they are counting to five but the name of their group is also 5ive.

Another one of their winning singles? "Slam Dunk Da Funk." That's right ladies, Zac Efron wasn't the first heartthrob to play basketball and dance. Do you want to get down? Do you want to get funky? Slam Dunk da Funk and click here.

My conclusion: 5ive is obsessed with getting down though I'm not sure they even know what that means.

Love,
Jenna

This new weekly post is completely self indulgent. I love it.

Jenna Kim's Fake Rumors 6/15/09

You Must Be Joking - Tyra Banks has a boyfriend. Heidi Montag Pratt thinks she is a modern day Mother Teresa. And Katie Holmes Cruise is performing a dance routine on So You Think You Can Dance on July 8th. Though these are not rumors, these facts make me feel weird.

Rihanna 2.0 - Chris Brown is dating a girl who looks exactly like Rihanna. She too is a singer whose latest album is called, "-ella, -ella, -ella," with hits like, "Cinderella," "Big Fella," and "What's up, Stella." I'm going to write a song for her called, "Run The Hellaway" and in the music video, she will dance around in point shoes with an umbrella and not get beat up by Chris Brown. (Silly, rich, pathetic boy. I wish I didn't love his music so much.)

Good View - The "women" of The View made Heidi and Spencer Pratt look as stupid as they actually are (not that they don't already do that; they were just actually called out on their inane behavior) on TV the other day. It was the most refreshing thing I've seen on that show since...never. I almost liked Joy. If you want to watch it, click here.

Phew - You can relax, Shia LeBeouf didn't say anything creepy about his mother last week. But there's always this week. I wonder if I'm anything like his mother. Yep, you can always count on me to say something creepy this week.

Boozin' It Up - The Hangover was the #1 movie again this weekend only because people couldn't remember that they had already seen it thanks to the wild partying they did after they saw it the first time. I call it The Hangover hangover.

It's a weak week, I know. Whatever, I'm JK.

U r totes def m'fav.

Love,

Jenna