...dude, was this like the longest week ever?
Today's Pick for Person to Punch in the Pucker (and by pucker I mean face...):
The woman who said that Michelle Obama's wardrobe, as she lunched with French President Nicolas Sarkozy's wife Carly Bruni-Sarkozy, would be "the most delicious, sartorial fashion moment that we are all going to be deconstructing for next two or three weeks."
Now I like the First Lady but her fashion choices aren't delicious. Butterfingers are delicious. Sunchips are delicious. Going to a fancy restaurant on someone elses tab, delicious.
How long does it take to deconstruct her fashion? Oh hey, Ryan Seacrest, ask me, ask me!
Ryan Seacrest: What is Michelle Obama wearing today?
Jenna: Uh, well, she's wearing a coat. It's got pockets so she can hold stuff in them. And there are buttons so you can keep it closed just in case there's a chill in the air. And then there's her shoes. They go on her feet.
Ryan: Wow she's got class, she's got a style. Thank you for that stimulating report. Up next? See what Jessica Simpson was caught eating earlier today and watch this monkey give someone the heimlich maneuver. Go grab a twinkie, we'll be right back.
End Scene.
If you want something to do in a few hours, I'll be performing a few jokes, some funny, some not so funny, tonight at 7 at Ochi's Lounge (353 W. 14th St - same location as Comix). No cover charge but there is a one drink minimum (soda counts for all my Mormon friends out there wondering).
Have a GREAT WEEKEND, my lovelies.
Love,
Jenna
Friday, April 3, 2009
Thursday, April 2, 2009
Sometimes you gotta suck it up...
...in more ways than one and plunge into your second stand up act unexpectedly and unprepared. That's right, kids, I did my second show last night. It was a semi-disaster but I learned a lot and can't wait to redeem myself in my next attempt...for those of you living in New York City...dates and times coming soon...but don't hold your breath.
In other news, a JetBlue employee decided to take a little cat nap in the cargo bin of a plane and next thing he knew, he woke up in Boston. What a job! I could go for a nap right now. But being the genius I am, I wouldn't get free travel out of it. My experience would be more along these lines: Oh hey, this dumpster looks nice and cozy. Next thing I know, I'm in Staten Island, in which case, when I woke up, I would for sure panic and think, I've died. I've died and gone to hell. I should have never cheated on that stupid calculus exam back in the 10th grade (because that is the ONLY thing I've ever done wrong). Then I would proceed to curse...a lot. When in hell, do as the hellions do, am I right?
Speaking of hell, heaven, whatever, it turns out that the end of the world is happening sooner than you might think. When? On May 28, 2010, you better hold on to your effing hats, my friends. Oh wait, no, I'm sorry, I've got my dates mixed up. That's when the sequel to Sex and the City comes out. I know, it's an easy mistake. They evoke similar emotions in my heart. Distress, anxiety, the urge to vomit. Yes, the end of the world and the idea of watching Sex and the City 2 makes me want to throw up. I've got a weak stomach, alright? I have a history of puking, regurgitating, spewing, etc. That's all I'm saying. That and I hate Sex and the City.
So wanna talk about blowing chunks a little more? (There are a lot of words for ralphing.) A co-worker, this is a true story, recently told me about an experience he had giving someone CPR. Just as they were mouth to mouth, the unconscious man vomited into my co-workers mouth. There is no way I could recover from an experience like that. Someone throws up in my mouth, no tictac, mouthwash, toothpaste could save it. Someone throws up in my mouth, I need a new mouth.
Alright party people, take a nap at work and see where you end up, save the date next May (I know I won't), and lastly, please don't ever barf in someones mouth, even if you are unconscious and having a heart attack. Just don't.
Love,
Jenna
Other words for upchucking courtesy of http://urbandictionary.com (visit with caution):
hurling
tossing cookies
imyukin
yuking
givener
In other news, a JetBlue employee decided to take a little cat nap in the cargo bin of a plane and next thing he knew, he woke up in Boston. What a job! I could go for a nap right now. But being the genius I am, I wouldn't get free travel out of it. My experience would be more along these lines: Oh hey, this dumpster looks nice and cozy. Next thing I know, I'm in Staten Island, in which case, when I woke up, I would for sure panic and think, I've died. I've died and gone to hell. I should have never cheated on that stupid calculus exam back in the 10th grade (because that is the ONLY thing I've ever done wrong). Then I would proceed to curse...a lot. When in hell, do as the hellions do, am I right?
Speaking of hell, heaven, whatever, it turns out that the end of the world is happening sooner than you might think. When? On May 28, 2010, you better hold on to your effing hats, my friends. Oh wait, no, I'm sorry, I've got my dates mixed up. That's when the sequel to Sex and the City comes out. I know, it's an easy mistake. They evoke similar emotions in my heart. Distress, anxiety, the urge to vomit. Yes, the end of the world and the idea of watching Sex and the City 2 makes me want to throw up. I've got a weak stomach, alright? I have a history of puking, regurgitating, spewing, etc. That's all I'm saying. That and I hate Sex and the City.
So wanna talk about blowing chunks a little more? (There are a lot of words for ralphing.) A co-worker, this is a true story, recently told me about an experience he had giving someone CPR. Just as they were mouth to mouth, the unconscious man vomited into my co-workers mouth. There is no way I could recover from an experience like that. Someone throws up in my mouth, no tictac, mouthwash, toothpaste could save it. Someone throws up in my mouth, I need a new mouth.
Alright party people, take a nap at work and see where you end up, save the date next May (I know I won't), and lastly, please don't ever barf in someones mouth, even if you are unconscious and having a heart attack. Just don't.
Love,
Jenna
Other words for upchucking courtesy of http://urbandictionary.com (visit with caution):
hurling
tossing cookies
imyukin
yuking
givener
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
Sometimes facebook manages...
...to ruin even the silliest day of the year. It's April Fool's Day, kids. And if you've logged on to your facebook account today (which you probably have, you're only human) you've seen the barrage of terrifying April Fool's Day "jokes" that people are posting on their status updates.
So far, among my friends, there have been:
4 engagements
2 deaths
1 coming out of the closet
2 dead bodies found
1 suicide attempt
Wow, hilarious jokes. Thanks facebook, for making April 1st creepy.
So...this probably isn't the best day to tell you that I won the lottery, I'm actually Jenna's evil twin Jennita, I shaved Jenna's head and trapped her in a cave in Central Park without any Sunchips and she won't be freed until she promises to join the circus with me. Also, you should know, we are the love children of Sonny and Cher impersonators who live in Miami. Why you should know? If you don't think that's cool, I'll never be good enough for you. Never!
Happy April Fool's Day, you fool!
Love,
Jennita
So far, among my friends, there have been:
4 engagements
2 deaths
1 coming out of the closet
2 dead bodies found
1 suicide attempt
Wow, hilarious jokes. Thanks facebook, for making April 1st creepy.
So...this probably isn't the best day to tell you that I won the lottery, I'm actually Jenna's evil twin Jennita, I shaved Jenna's head and trapped her in a cave in Central Park without any Sunchips and she won't be freed until she promises to join the circus with me. Also, you should know, we are the love children of Sonny and Cher impersonators who live in Miami. Why you should know? If you don't think that's cool, I'll never be good enough for you. Never!
Happy April Fool's Day, you fool!
Love,
Jennita
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Sometimes March ends...
...before I get a chance to say "good riddance!"
I'm sorry if your birthday falls on one of the unfortunate days during this unfortunate month. I wish that made me like March better but uh...
March 21: OPRAH DAY 2! (On this day, everyone must watch The Color Purple, twice.)
I'm sorry if your birthday falls on one of the unfortunate days during this unfortunate month. I wish that made me like March better but uh...
Perhaps I'm being a little dramatic. Perhaps March has something to offer besides depression, drunken debauchery and the dreaded tight jeans dance (You know, the dance one must do to put on his/her jeans when his/her said jeans don't quite fit anymore)? Well, I just googled Holidays in March and I'm almost 100% sure that all of these so-called Holidays are fake which means I'm going to have to make up my own holidays to celebrate next March just to make it a little more worth living through.
March 1st: Prank Call the White House Day (Hey, is Simore there? Simore Butts?)
March 4: Listen to Kelly Clarkson Day (Recommended by most doctors to turn that frown upside down.)
March 8th: Wear Your Snuggie to Work Day (*Warning, you will look like a monk who forgot to button up his robe in the back and people will make lame jokes about it ALL day.)
March 10th: Punch Your Girlfriend in the Face Day (brought to you by Chris Brown and Doublemint Gum)
March 1st: Prank Call the White House Day (Hey, is Simore there? Simore Butts?)
March 4: Listen to Kelly Clarkson Day (Recommended by most doctors to turn that frown upside down.)
March 8th: Wear Your Snuggie to Work Day (*Warning, you will look like a monk who forgot to button up his robe in the back and people will make lame jokes about it ALL day.)
March 10th: Punch Your Girlfriend in the Face Day (brought to you by Chris Brown and Doublemint Gum)
March 13th: National Call In Sick Day (There won't be much work to do, if everyone is "sick.")
March 17: St. Danica Patrick's Day
March 20: OPRAH DAY! (On this day, everyone must give one of their favorite things...to me.)
March 21: OPRAH DAY 2! (On this day, everyone must watch The Color Purple, twice.)
March 25: Don't Lose Hope, This Month Is Almost Over Day (On this day, do whatever you can to survive. In my case, I would probably eat an entire large bag of Sunchips.)
March 28: Move Back in with Your Parents Day (Let's face it, the economy isn't looking any better so this scenario seems more likely with every fired GM CEO, drop in the DOW, oh and not to mention the ongoing "Overseas Contingency Operation." Why not make a day out of uhauling it home? While you're there, pull out your old year books and reminisce about your skinnier days. Read old journal entries about the scank you saw kissing your boyfriend after 5th period in the 9th grade. What a wh*re. He was just standing there and she kissed him. Poor guy. AND of course, you have to listen to a mixed tape or two. If anyone knew how to compile the perfect combination of songs to express your innermost teenage angst, it was definitely you.)
March 31st: April Eve (Put your winter clothes away* and do the ancient Mayan dance of Spring.)
*Unless of course, winter has decided not to leave which is the case for most of the Midwest right now.
Wow, I think I made March more depressing. Until next year, forget about your winter blues. Before we know it, I'll be complaining about the heat! I can't wait!
Love,
Jenna
Monday, March 30, 2009
Jenna Kim's Fake Rumors 3/29/09
BABY WARS: Madonna is rumored to be adopting another child from Malawi. Octo-Mom heard Madonna's big news and is looking for a Malawian sperm donor. She will not be out done!
A PERSONAL BAILOUT: After being "forced" to step down yesterday, GM's CEO was seen in his pajamas, laying on a hammock in his backyard drinking a big gulp, smiling as he yelled, "This is the friggin' life. Thanks Obama!"
WEATHER ALERT: Winter has decided not to end, permanently.
NON-BAILOUT PORK: Cafe Rio is opening in New York City near Bleecker and Broadway. Tell all of your friends! (If you don't know Cafe Rio, it's because you aren't from Utah. Sorry?)
BUSTED: VP Joe Biden's daughter, Ashley, might have been caught on tape snorting cocaine...or smarties. It was probably smarties. Snorting the delicious candy is all the rage right now. Either way, dang girl, you totally pulled a Phelps!
SMELLY MISTAKES: North Korea left their "test" rocket in the fridge next to the kimchi. No need to worry anymore, we'll be able to smell it coming from miles away.
That's it for this week. I'm JK...Peace out, blogtards!
Love,
Jenna
A PERSONAL BAILOUT: After being "forced" to step down yesterday, GM's CEO was seen in his pajamas, laying on a hammock in his backyard drinking a big gulp, smiling as he yelled, "This is the friggin' life. Thanks Obama!"
WEATHER ALERT: Winter has decided not to end, permanently.
NON-BAILOUT PORK: Cafe Rio is opening in New York City near Bleecker and Broadway. Tell all of your friends! (If you don't know Cafe Rio, it's because you aren't from Utah. Sorry?)
BUSTED: VP Joe Biden's daughter, Ashley, might have been caught on tape snorting cocaine...or smarties. It was probably smarties. Snorting the delicious candy is all the rage right now. Either way, dang girl, you totally pulled a Phelps!
SMELLY MISTAKES: North Korea left their "test" rocket in the fridge next to the kimchi. No need to worry anymore, we'll be able to smell it coming from miles away.
That's it for this week. I'm JK...Peace out, blogtards!
Love,
Jenna
Sometimes TV people come up...
...the best ideas. This one is delicious!
Fox ordered a new reality program called, "More To Love." No need to panic, Mormons, this show is not about a polygamist looking for his newest wife. This is a new reality dating show similar to The Bachelor but instead of using pretty people as the contestants, the show will focus on pairing people with a little more lovin' on their bones, if you know what I mean. Fox reps said, "It's a dating show for the rest of us." Excuse me, Fox, did you just call me fat? For the rest of us? Oh, you mean, for the rest of us who butter our poptarts, deep fry our vegetables and freeze mayonnaise to make mayo popsicles. Mmmm, they are especially refreshing on a hot summer day. If that's what you meant, then you are right, this show is definitely for me! Get excited! Fox is going to find us fatties someone to love besides the Pillsbury Doughboy. I can't wait!
Love,
Jenna
Fox ordered a new reality program called, "More To Love." No need to panic, Mormons, this show is not about a polygamist looking for his newest wife. This is a new reality dating show similar to The Bachelor but instead of using pretty people as the contestants, the show will focus on pairing people with a little more lovin' on their bones, if you know what I mean. Fox reps said, "It's a dating show for the rest of us." Excuse me, Fox, did you just call me fat? For the rest of us? Oh, you mean, for the rest of us who butter our poptarts, deep fry our vegetables and freeze mayonnaise to make mayo popsicles. Mmmm, they are especially refreshing on a hot summer day. If that's what you meant, then you are right, this show is definitely for me! Get excited! Fox is going to find us fatties someone to love besides the Pillsbury Doughboy. I can't wait!
Love,
Jenna
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