Last night, a very funny comedian made fun of me because I looked especially white. Seemed pretty obvious to me but you know, whatev.
I had to taser myself just now for using the word "whatev."
I think my favorite jokes are about food. Probably because I love food. I'm not a skinny girl but I'm not really fat either. I don't really know where that leaves me. Chunky? Stumpy? Round? Jolly? Uncomfortable? It's so uncomfortable going to a restaurant with girls who are insecure about their weight. They eat like they're afraid of food. Like it's some mysterious substance that they've never seen before. They move it around their plates to make it look like they've eaten as little as possible. Then they get mad at me because I'm not fat and I eat everything on my plate.
I like to eat and I'm proud of it. Probably shouldn't be. Guys might ask me out more often if I didn't always eat off of their plate at dinner. That and generally ordering two meals and dessert is apparently a little over the top. I justify my over eating by drinking diet soda. I'll have four hamburgers, super sized fries (doesn't matter where I eat, I always ask for super size portions. "Half" portions? Yeah, right. "Half" salads? Are you on drugs?) and then I finish everything off with a diet coke.
Last year, I had to stop eating dairy products. I got IBS due to stress. Those of you who know what IBS is...awkward for you! I'm Mormon and the only things Mormons are allowed to do on the weekends is binge on ice cream so my social life kind of went out the window. Ok, so that's not like totally true but we Mormons, we don't drink alcohol (ever), have sex, drink coffee, blah blah blah, the list of don't continues. I don't really know why I'm explaining this because probably 99% of the six people who read this are Mormon. But seriously, Mormons are REALLY good at eating. I'm from Provo, Utah and when Krispy Kreme opened there, the entire city gained 10 pounds. Friday night? Donut run! Over and over again. Have you ever woken up with a glaze donut hangover? I have. The thought makes me shutter. The only way to remedy it is with a large pizza from Papa John’s, which of course, I can’t eat anymore because it hurts my bowels (my mom just cringed at my crudeness), so I gave up on donuts. Now, I just eat a lot of candy or Sunchips. Oh man, I love Sunchips.
Mormons are supposed to live moderate lives. Everything in moderation. But I think they forget that when it comes to food. I kid you not; every Sunday in Mormon households is like Thanksgiving. I could diet all week and still gain 4 pounds at Sunday dinner. I don’t know how moms do it. Sunday is supposed to be the day of rest but it never is with the Sunday feasts they have to prepare. My kids are going to hate me because I am just going to order twice the amount of takeout the night before and then make them eat the leftovers on Sunday, cold. It’s my day of rest so if they want it warm, they can use their energy but I’m resting. I just lost a few more dates with Mormon boys. I actually do like to cook. If I had a boy to impress, I’d be cooking/baking up a storm constantly. I had friends growing up whose moms had those annoying magnets on the fridge that said things like, “the fastest way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.” Besides that being a weird image, I never really liked that saying because I always felt left out. What about me? I like food? Why can’t a guy give me food all the time? Why do guys always suggest that I order a salad on dates? I don’t get it.
I found myself at a hotel bar once with a friend of mine. We were both Mormon so I'm not sure what we were trying to do there. You know, normal girls hang out at hotel bars trying to hook up with guys who are only in town for a night so it didn’t really make any sense why my friend wanted to go. I highly doubt any guy there was interested in being my scrabble partner for the evening. I don't really like meeting guys at bars because they are usually drunk and I'm not. The only reason I like talking to drunk people is because it's the only time in my life when I'm consistently funny. Like if you are drinking and reading this, you probably think I'm way funnier. Also, if you’re drinking and reading this, you are an alcoholic. Get help, buddy. If a drunk person doesn’t think I’m funny, I just punch him or her. Then if people are like, “Hey, why did you punch him or her? I’m like, “He called me fat.” or “She stole by boyfriend.” Those always work. But if I meet some guy at a bar and he's super annoying, all I have to do is tell him that I'm looking for someone to marry me for ETERNITY. That usually does the trick. "Eternity, huh? So you actually meant scrabble when you asked me to be your scrabble partner. Goodbye Jessica." Drunk guys never get my name right which is weird because Jessica is way harder to say than Jenna. I still don’t know why my friend wanted me to go to a hotel bar though. It’s not like bar food actually tastes good. It just tastes better than beer…uh…I think…because I don’t drink…ever.
I know I said I love food but I really don’t like chicken wings which I believe is a pretty standard bar food item. At least they are at the classy bars I've been to. I had some chicken wings at a superbowl party last weekend and honestly, I’m not sure there is anything less attractive than me or anyone for that matter eating a chicken wing. I ate one and I don’t think I ever swallowed any chicken because it all got stuck in my teeth after the first bite. Also, I’m not sure there actually is chicken on chicken wings because it is all very slimy and saucy. So nope, don’t like chicken wings. Not at all. Bar food isn’t really great on the IBS though, as you can imagine. Pretty much everything irritates the bowels at bars.
Anyway, so food. I love it. I love it a lot.
One of my favorite comedians, Jim Gaffigan, does some funny shiz about food. There are a ton of clips of him on youtube. If you want to watch them, go to youtube. I recommend his stuff on hot pockets. It’s amazing!
Have a great day people. I know I will. I’m going to go eat some candy. And maybe a burrito.
Saturday, February 9, 2008
Thursday, February 7, 2008
I learned something today...
I had a date with myself at Chipotle today.
Anyway, my mom sent this e-mail full of information I didn't know about rats. Here's what it said:
2008: The Year of the Rat
Facts of some interest:
There is a wide variety in size and habitat in the rat family, from small forest dwellers to the 18 inch African field rat.
The most common problem species are the Norway rat, a skilled swimmer, and the climbing Common rat.
A rat’s intelligence and ability to adapt make rats persistent pests, good pets, and useful laboratory animals
Why rats come first on the Chinese zodiac calendar:
High above China long ago, the Sky Emperor invited 12 animals from the world below to his lofty abode. “There are 12 years in our calendar cycle.” He declared, “And I wish to name one year after each of you.”
“And which one of us should come first, my King?” said Rat. “I am smart and can live anywhere; it should be me.” “Why?” said Ox, “I am mighty and strong.”
The emperor decided to let the children of Earth choose. At first, the boys and girls delighted to ride on gentle Ox’s back, and ignored Rat because she was so small. But Rat begged the Emperor to make her as big as Ox for a day, where upon the children jumped up and down in excitement to see such a wondrous sight, and forgot all about Ox.
“You are the winner, Rat,” said the Emperor. “You shall come first.”
Obviously, a Chinese folktale…
Children born in the year of the Rat are clever, ambitious, hard working, and have long, pointy noses.
Anyway, my mom sent this e-mail full of information I didn't know about rats. Here's what it said:
2008: The Year of the Rat
Facts of some interest:
There is a wide variety in size and habitat in the rat family, from small forest dwellers to the 18 inch African field rat.
The most common problem species are the Norway rat, a skilled swimmer, and the climbing Common rat.
A rat’s intelligence and ability to adapt make rats persistent pests, good pets, and useful laboratory animals
Why rats come first on the Chinese zodiac calendar:
High above China long ago, the Sky Emperor invited 12 animals from the world below to his lofty abode. “There are 12 years in our calendar cycle.” He declared, “And I wish to name one year after each of you.”
“And which one of us should come first, my King?” said Rat. “I am smart and can live anywhere; it should be me.” “Why?” said Ox, “I am mighty and strong.”
The emperor decided to let the children of Earth choose. At first, the boys and girls delighted to ride on gentle Ox’s back, and ignored Rat because she was so small. But Rat begged the Emperor to make her as big as Ox for a day, where upon the children jumped up and down in excitement to see such a wondrous sight, and forgot all about Ox.
“You are the winner, Rat,” said the Emperor. “You shall come first.”
Obviously, a Chinese folktale…
Children born in the year of the Rat are clever, ambitious, hard working, and have long, pointy noses.
Monday, February 4, 2008
Funny Videos I've Been Watching Lately
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PPsUmhqncAg
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b9CK37sqoz0
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DFcIH2tK2iM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EkjnvZnTmsw
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_OBlgSz8sSM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FAYWPV3F41Y
(I don't approve of children swearing but this toddler's logic is dead on.)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q9yAkBSrMk0
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b9CK37sqoz0
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DFcIH2tK2iM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EkjnvZnTmsw
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_OBlgSz8sSM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FAYWPV3F41Y
(I don't approve of children swearing but this toddler's logic is dead on.)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q9yAkBSrMk0
U r a better man than me... I am NOT a man.
Normally I don't like to blog about my life but my weekend was pretty fun and I have nothing else to talk about so...blah blah blah...
1. A group of large, crazy, drunk New York men called me a beeyotch (but they used the real word) numerous times thanks to my friend Adam and his Boston hat.
2. Several of my Mormon friends threw a football around on Wall St. after the bowl ended. I threw a terrible pass. It looked especially funny because I was in my church clothes. Ha, that makes me sound like a nun.
3. I sang a jingle for Hertz that could potentially be on TV and the song has been in my head ALL weekend.
4. I received a love letter from a guy who lives in Harlem. In the card, there was poem that said:
...the sun didn't beam
as brightly
the moon didn't hang
quite as high
the earth didn't move
under my feet
and the stars didn't glow
in my eyes,
...til there was you
with love,
Harlem
5. I ate an entire bag of Sunchips. And not a small bag. A BIG bag as well as three turkey sandwiches. (I didn't eat all three at the same time but would for a small fee.)
6. I made a cake for the Superbowl party at 2301. Holla! (Genevieve, your new TV is awesome.)
7. I wore control top nylons for a record breaking 12 hours. I lost circulation to my feet after about 4.
8. I saw some of the worst dancing New York has to offer and although I did go to Mormon dance party where I saw and contributed to dancing was so awesomely bad it gave me nerdy chills, this professional dance company was a lot worse. In fact, I think the Mormon dance party would have been much more entertaining for the audience.
9. My mom is trapped at home in Utah due to two feet of fresh snow.
10. I talked on the phone for an unmentionable amount of time with this guy I once knew and now know again who has a super sexy voice.
11. Due to lack of sleep and stress, I may be getting a cold. I went to Duane Reade to buy "cold-eeze," a product that my mom swears by, and water. While there, I heard the song "Bye, Bye, Bye" by 'Nsync and loved every second of it. I still love BSB better but the song made me feel great. I danced down the isles.
12. Although I enjoy many Tom Petty songs, I felt that his performance at the Superbowl was a little boring. I needed some more spark. A little fire! Literally. Fire on stage is always a good idea.
Lastly, I am watching Akeelah and the Bee right now. Oh my gosh, I am going to be a wreck by the end of this movie. I cried after the first spelling bee. Ugh...
1. A group of large, crazy, drunk New York men called me a beeyotch (but they used the real word) numerous times thanks to my friend Adam and his Boston hat.
2. Several of my Mormon friends threw a football around on Wall St. after the bowl ended. I threw a terrible pass. It looked especially funny because I was in my church clothes. Ha, that makes me sound like a nun.
3. I sang a jingle for Hertz that could potentially be on TV and the song has been in my head ALL weekend.
4. I received a love letter from a guy who lives in Harlem. In the card, there was poem that said:
...the sun didn't beam
as brightly
the moon didn't hang
quite as high
the earth didn't move
under my feet
and the stars didn't glow
in my eyes,
...til there was you
with love,
Harlem
5. I ate an entire bag of Sunchips. And not a small bag. A BIG bag as well as three turkey sandwiches. (I didn't eat all three at the same time but would for a small fee.)
6. I made a cake for the Superbowl party at 2301. Holla! (Genevieve, your new TV is awesome.)
7. I wore control top nylons for a record breaking 12 hours. I lost circulation to my feet after about 4.
8. I saw some of the worst dancing New York has to offer and although I did go to Mormon dance party where I saw and contributed to dancing was so awesomely bad it gave me nerdy chills, this professional dance company was a lot worse. In fact, I think the Mormon dance party would have been much more entertaining for the audience.
9. My mom is trapped at home in Utah due to two feet of fresh snow.
10. I talked on the phone for an unmentionable amount of time with this guy I once knew and now know again who has a super sexy voice.
11. Due to lack of sleep and stress, I may be getting a cold. I went to Duane Reade to buy "cold-eeze," a product that my mom swears by, and water. While there, I heard the song "Bye, Bye, Bye" by 'Nsync and loved every second of it. I still love BSB better but the song made me feel great. I danced down the isles.
12. Although I enjoy many Tom Petty songs, I felt that his performance at the Superbowl was a little boring. I needed some more spark. A little fire! Literally. Fire on stage is always a good idea.
Lastly, I am watching Akeelah and the Bee right now. Oh my gosh, I am going to be a wreck by the end of this movie. I cried after the first spelling bee. Ugh...
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