Sometimes I watch reality television...

...and sometimes I binge on Sun Chips and sometimes I listen to Enrique Iglesias. We all have weaknesses. Big deal.

But let's not focus on all of mine. Right now, I want to talk about reality television.

I've been watching Bravo all night. I know, I'm so hip. Honestly, I wanted to watch Oprah. So badly. Why? Today was a big day for her shows history. A pregnant man??? BUT I promised a certain someone that I would wait and watch it with him. So here I am watching Jessie Spano host "Step It Up and Dance!", Bravo's latest reality experience for upper middle class white Americans between the ages of 25-39. Wooooo! (FYI, Elizabeth Berkley's face doesn't move much these days.) The best part of this episode of "Step It Up and Dance!" is the fact that they are dancing to the Spice Girls! Oh wait, no, I take that back. The best part of the episode took place in less than 60 seconds when the judges gave the following notes to certain dancers:

Judge: "Be very careful in your performances that even though you dance strongly you don't start dancing like a mean angry man, okay?"

If I had a nickel for every time someone said that to me...

Then seconds later a different judge said this to one of the male dancers:

Judge: "I need you to butch it up a little bit more. I need you to be very strong and masculine. I don't care if you like girls, boys, giraffes, or monkeys, I just need you to man up a little bit more and be a little bit stronger for me."

Dancer: "Did I look like a fag on stage?"

Judge: "A little bit."

Ouch.

Does that say something about gender roles in our society today? Someone should write a paper about it. 1, 2, 3, not it!

Wow, it's such a small trashy TV world. I just changed the channel to VH1 to watch "I Know My Kid's A Star" (because I'm trying to lose braincells) and the movie Showgirls just ended. Elizabeth Berkley is EVERYWHERE!

Anyway, I love television, I REALLY do. But sometimes I wonder...will the world ever run out of crazy people to star on all of these shallow reality shows? Then I forget about that thought and ask myself, will Kristi Lee Cook ever be kicked off of American Idol? Is there some way that I could vote against her? I'd like to be given the opportunity to take votes away from her without voting for anyone else. Now that's making a statement. American Idol should try it. Imagine this:

Ryan Seacrest: Tonight American Idol has set a new record. The person going home is the first contestant to actually lose votes. Kristi Lee Cook, you are leaving us tonight with -2 votes.

Simon: Oh Ryan, blah blah blah. She's forgettable, you're short, and I'm a genius. I'm such a genius, I can pull off man-boobs. I'm such a genius, I make you all look like cruise ship/amusement park/lounge geniuses. I'm such a genius, I dare ask, "Who is dressing you, Irish singer with scary tattoos?"

Then Simon looks directly into the camera.

Simon: Jenna Kim Jones, are you watching? Will you marry me?

A girl can dream, can't she?



In conclusion: reality television is so silly.

Big deal? Whatever. Sometimes I read...

(THE OFFICE, 30 ROCK, UGLY BETTY, MY BOYS, PLEASE, PLEASE COME BACK!)

Please...

...google "pregnant man" and then watch Oprah tomorrow. Is it a joke? I don't know...it might be.

"I'm not pregnant. I'm just fat and I used to be a woman and I wanted to be on Oprah."

WTF.

Have you noticed...

...the ads for "belly punching?"

How many blogs have "belly punching" ads?

I wonder where it leads you if you click on it...

I learn about my body sometimes...

...but only when I'm listening to pop music.

If you listen to Hot 97 or Hitz 100 or whatever the popular radio station is called wherever you live, you may have realized how informative pop music has become. I am learning about all kinds of medical things.

1. In Leona Lewis' new song "Bleeding Love," listeners learn about the sometimes devastating effects of hemophilia, a rare inherited disorder where blood doesn't clot normally so the person continues to bleed. I mean, you already knew that though, right? She won't shut up, I mean, stop singing about it..."Keep bleeding, keep, keep bleeding. I keep bleeding, keep, keep bleeding..."

2. Janet Jackson is back on the scene and looking better than ever. She's not fat anymore! (Honestly, I think I put that more delicately than The Insider ever could.) The first time I heard her new song "Feedback" I thought I heard this, "cause my swag is serious, something heavy like a first day period." Then Chuck, my little brother, the king of song lyrics, convinced me that she said, "cause my swag is serious, something heavy like a first DATE period." Well, I WAS convinced until I listened to the song this morning during my wake up dance routine. So I googled it and let the internet be the judge. According to metrolyrics.com she sings, "cause my swag is serious, something heavy like a first day period." Yeah, she does. Thanks for that lovely simile Janet Jackson's writers. I don't even know what swag means in this context but I'm totally grossed out by it. I listened to the rest of her new album and it turns out she also compares childbirth, hysterectomies, and getting a colonoscopy every 5 years after the age of 50, to a night out in the club. Those are some incredible writers. I've heard rumors that her next album will be dedicated to menopause. That's just what I've heard.

3. Mariah Carey's new song "Touch My Body" reminds women to examine themselves regularly between mammograms. (I'm terrified as to what kind of "google ads" are going to appear now that I've posted that.) It's good to see Mariah involved in such a good cause.

4. Jordin Sparks asks, in my opinion, an obvious, BUT nonetheless crucial question in her newest song, "No Air." She sings, "How am I supposed to breathe with no air?" Duh, Jordin, you can't! Stop polluting the airways with such nonsense. Oh wait, stop polluting? I get it!!!

5. I love Lil Mama. She is SO much smarter than anyone gives her credit for. In her last song, she delighted us with the importance of personal grooming. Girls should care about their looks. My lip gloss has been poppin' ever since. Anyway, in her newest song, "Shawty Get Loose," listeners are reminded to stretch out regularly. If you "get loose" your body and mind will be in harmony with each other. I'm sure she says that somewhere in that song. I'm sure.

Thank you pop music writers and artists. I appreciate what you are doing for society. I look forward to hearing your songs on Grey’s Anatomy when it finally returns.

In the meantime, I hope that Ashlee Simpson comes out with a song that discusses the importance of getting a good nose job.

April Fool's Day is....

both cruel and wonderful. I've been fooled many times...

Flashback--April 1, 1993--Jenna and her siblings sit around the table eating breakfast.

Mom: Kids, I have some sad news.

7 year old Jenna looks up from her plate with a mouthful of pancakes.

Mom: Everyone say goodbye to Jenna. She has to go back to her real parents today.

7 year old Jenna: What?

Mom: Your parents called from Denmark last night and want you back. You better go pack your bags. You will get on the plane tonight.

7 year old Jenna goes to her room and begins packing. She tries not to cry. Mom and siblings laugh in the other room.


7 year old Jenna listening to Ace of Base


JUST KIDDING! That never happened. Pretty good, huh? That's way better than eating a chocolate covered cotton ball which I ate this morning. SICK!

HAPPY APRIL FOOL'S DAY!

Love,
Jenna