Sometimes people mistake me for...

...a pretty person.  Sometimes not.  

Most recently, an East Village hippie hipster mistook me for a homeless person.  As I stood on the corner waiting for the little white man to give me the go ahead, the hipster came up to me, mentioned the cold weather, hard times and offered me his left over entree from a "delicious vegetarian place down the street."  Really? Really?  Excuse me, but do I look like...

...a vegetarian?  Hells no.  

Then I went to McDonald's and ate two Big Macs just to make sure I wasn't.

Maybe I should take a shower and stop wearing that sign around my neck that says, "Homeless. Family was killed by Ninjas.  Need money to take Ninja lessons."  That or I should add, "Also NOT a vegetarian."  

Love,

Jenna

Sometimes our hearts are softened...

...and I'm a changed woman.

Fact: I've never respected Star Trek. I love making fun of those weirdo kids who speak trekie language and go to conferences to nerd each other and the rest of the guests at the Holiday Day Inn out.

Confession: If anyone could change my mind about Star Trek, it's J.J. Abrams. The preview for his new Star Trek movie is AWESOME. There, I said it. I feel so much better. I've been carrying around that guilt bomb for a couple of days now and I couldn't take it anymore.

Folks, I'm excited for the new Star Trek movie.

Watch the preview.

Wow, I'm exhausted. I need to big gulp as soon as possible. (big gulp: verb meaning to drown away all emotions by drinking 32-64 ounces of Diet Coke from 7/11, on the rocks of course. One of the many words that will be in Jenna's Dictionary of Fake and/or Half Words. Coming soon, nowhere near you.)

Love,
Jenna

Sometimes things...

...change.

In honor of the new President, his new Chief of Staff and Sarah Palin's new wardrobe***, I am going to write a post about...

MY NEW ATTITUDE?

NO.

MY NEW LOVE OF HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL...3?

NO.

WHATEVER I WANT?

BINGO.

I guess some things never change.

What's on my mind? Well, it seems that ever since I wrote my facebook post about "the always important because I need to know what you are doing every second status," my blog has been extra popular: the hits keep coming. Why? Because people actually google, "how to write a good facebook status" or "what are interesting facebook status?" or "facebook status about Mondays," etc. Sadly for them, my blog is the only advice they get.

It occurred to me that my warning, you know, the one where I told you facebook was devouring our brains, was true. It seems that facebook has devoured our brains and now that our lives revolve around it, I've made a few more observations.

I'm 100% sure that people still take pictures...but not because they want to remember a special moment, time, person, place or thing. People take pictures so they can post them on facebook.

I'm going to start taking pictures solely with the intent of putting them on facebook. They will be a selection of staged photos compiled in aptly named albums that will "brand" me. You know, make me appear how I want. I will be the best publicist for myself EVER.

I will keep these pictures on a private setting until needed. Then I will share them with our new facebook world.

For example if I am looking for a job, I would pull out one of the following albums so my future boss could look me up and see what a good employee I could be:

• 1st Place at the Birthday Cake Baking Convention
• 95% sure Africa is a continent.
• Punctual Mondays!

Or if I was trying to impress a boy I'd make a picture album full of my most hilarious, fun and attractive moments like:

• My weekend of Baseball games, hot dogs and action films!
  
• Look At All of My Ugly Friends.
  
• My Milkshake

For my Republican friends I would post:

• Annual Quail Hunting Extravaganza - Watch Out or I'll Shootchya!
  
• Labor Day Weekend at Daddy's 4th House
  
• Pray for Gays

For my Democrat friends I would post:

• Religion is for Republicans
  
• An Inconvenient Truth Premiere - Because I Get It
  
• My First Welfare Check

If I wanted to portray myself as a family gal I would post:

• My [Birthing] Hips Don't Lie
  
• Babies R Me
  
• An Aunt Like No Other

For my "Hipster" friends I would post:

• Pics of graffiti in the East Village - Art is Life, Life is Art
  
• Dirty Hair and Scarves - My New Favorite Indie Band
  
• My Skinny Jeans are Tighter than Yours
  

Let the picture taking begin!

Love,
Jenna


***Sarah Palin got to keep the clothes she spent $150,000 on during the election as a consolation prize, right? Maybe she's saving them until 2012? Maybe? Huh? Getting a little nervous? This isn't the last of the Palin-ator. She'll be back and next time she is bringing even bigger guns (and probably a couple more kids too).

Sometimes I think I want to run a marathon...

...and then I see the New York City Marathon victims limping around the subways with a look of despair in their faces as they make their way home in their spandex shorts wrapped in a blanket.

Really? Is it worth the pain?

Probably. I'm going to start training...tomorrow...after I eat the rest of my Halloween candy.

Love,
Jenna

Sometimes all I think about...

...is this stupid election.

I'm not sure there is anything else going on in the world. But then again, I live in the center of the Universe so if the election is important in NYC, then it must be the only thing worth talking about in this world.

Yesterday, Sen. Lindsey Graham of South Carolina said that McCain would win in North Carolina, a traditionally Republican state, even though the polls show that Obama and McCain are dead even.

Graham said, “He fits North Carolina like a glove. I’ll beat [Olympic gold medalist] Michael Phelps in swimming before Barack Obama wins North Carolina."

Stranger things have happened. And I hear that a 55 year old Senator is the new 22 year old ripped fish-man. Maybe he has webbed toes, rubber limbs and plate hands too? Nah, I've seen this Sen. Lindsey Graham and he's a total Southern Belle, if you know what I mean.

Love,
Jenna

Sometimes picking a Halloween Costume...

...can be very stressful.

This Halloween some of the popular costumes include:

1. Sarah Palin dressed in WalMart's clothing line
2. Tina Fey as Sarah Palin as Tina Fey
3. John McCain before he died
4. Joe the slutty plumber
5. A delinquent mortgage

Here are my options for Halloween Costume this year:

1. A lesbian or Zac Efron
2. A "healthier" version of Cindy McCain
3. Rachael Ray (But not because I look like her...)
4. Two Face: Half Obama Mama, half McCainiac
5. Uh, Apple

What or who are you going to be? Don't tell me. I don't care THAT much unless you are 5 years old or younger.

Best thing about Halloween? Candy, duh. Worst thing about Halloween? Everything else.

Love,
Jenna

Sometimes, especially in times of economic hardship...

...people need to learn how to scale back.

How to save money during a recession:

Buy nothing. Steal if you have to.

Or

Move to California, turn into a hippie (in no particular order), live on a vineyard or some other form of open space in a tiny, and I mean tiny house just big enough for you and your home grown Mary Jane. (Tiny houses as seen on CNN.com or as Sarah Palin might call them, "Trailers for the Liberal Eeelite.")

On the other hand, saving money is great, but the real quest, the real American in all of us is searching for ways to make money but no more than $250,000 otherwise taxes will be a beeyotch when Obama begins his reign.

How to make money during a recession:

Find a treasure map with your group of misfit friends, run from an Italian family of crooks (as if there are any other kind) and make sure you bring plenty of Baby Ruth's. Trust me, you'll find the treasure. I've seen it a million times.

Have a yard sell, I mean, sale. (Whoops, that's the real American side of me coming through.)

Start a business selling liquor filled chocolate money bags.

Lastly, get a job in the television industry. What does Joe the Wall Street Investment Banker do when he doesn't have any money? He stays in, orders cheap Chinese food (as if there is any other kind) and watches cable on his flat screen 47" LCD HDTV.

Love,
Jenna

Sometimes people think I should run...

...for Blonde. Not because I'm against brunettes. If elected, I could bring peace to a hair rivalry that has lasted altogether too long.

Being an unnaturally unnatural blonde, I've experienced and understand both sides of the hair color issues. I've reached across the aisle in an attempt to unite blondes and brunettes in order to put looks aside and do what is best for all, hair or no hair. I’ve dyed my hair myself for years. I’m an outsider to the hair colorist insiders. To them, I’m a hair maverick, mavericking my way through an unmavericky world.

I’m experienced. I don’t know how many times I have to tell you this but let me repeat myself, I am a very experienced born again blonde maverick.

Trust me.

Why?

1. My roots make me legit.

2. My hair glows = Beacon of light

3. Always able to meet or exceed extremely low expectations.

4. A flip of the hair is more powerful than a “Gosh darn, can I call you Joe?, wink.”

5. I never pal around with red heads.

6. Blonde's are way funner.

Blondes and brunettes, put your differences aside.

Vote.

Love,
Jenna

Sometimes we are all tools...

...in the worst sense of the word.

So what?

Love,
Pink

Sometimes I start hilarious posts...

...and forget to finish them. I wrote some funny stuff about Sarah Palin last Friday morning. Now the jokes are outdated. I've heard several similar to them. So that post is lost forever. Never to be read by my 16 readers.

Sorry boys and women, I'll write faster next time.

Anything anyone not tired of hearing about that I could write about to distract ourselves from the election, the economy and the end of the earth?

No?

Well...

Another big debate tonight. McCain's supposed to kill. Not literally, although he's capable of it. Obama, well, he just has to answer the questions. Who has the low expectations now?

Here are my questions about tonight's big debate:

How many people will get alcohol poisoning from the word "Maverick?"

How many times will I think about how bored I am?

How many times will McCain's heart almost stop?

Answers: countless people, countless thoughts, and countless near death heartbeats.

Love,
Jenna

Sometimes I think that people...

...might start exploding because their vices, their problems, their weaknesses, their inability to make good decisions, their lack of brain, could make them more combustable. (That isn't a word but you totally know what I'm talking about, right?) For example: the more diet coke I drink, the more combustable I become.

"Last week, a 22 year old female spontaneously combusted on 52nd St. The Lucky Burger employee that handed her her final diet coke, suffered severe burns but is in intensive care and although very slowly, is expected to recover as good as new, except for the face deformity. She was found in a puddle of Diet Coke and it appeared she was calcium deficient from years of soda addiction."

"Last night, during the one and only Vice Presidential Debate, Presidential candidate, Senator John McCain literally blew up when running mate Sarah Palin was eaten alive by Senator Joe Biden. The remaining pieces of Palin were recently seen in another interview with Katie Couric where the one and a half women hugged it out. McCain and Palin have since jumped ahead 10 points in the latest Myspace poll because, according to many voters, "Biden was just too mean to Sarah. She did just fine for a Governor from Alaska and he should pick on someone his own size and gender."

Think about it. It could happen. Ok fine, it really couldn't happen.

Love,
Jenna

Sometimes it's so awesome...

...living in a country that is so awesome.

We had the great depression, now we're entering the greatest depression. We have the fattest people, the most au-rtistic kids, role models in rehab, reality TV, corn dogs, Sarah Jessica Parker, Sarah Palin, Sarah Plain and Tall, corn dogs, etc...

What else do we need?

I know that I said this place is awesome but...

Forget the bailout, this is what I really need:

1. The ability to change my facebook status by wiggling my nose.

2. Predictive text that is never wrong.

3. More films starring talking Chihuahua's living in 90210.

Really, Beverly Hills Chihuahua? Really?

What is wrong with people?

So many things, actually. (I've got issues too, don't worry.)

You know what I really need right now?

A big fat Diet Coke, on the rocks.

Love,
Jenna

Sometimes Clay Aiken...

...tried so hard to stay in the closet until the world made fun of him enough, he decided to come out.

Yes, Clay came out and said he was gay. For some that may be a shock. If you are one of those people "in shock," you are probably 65 and a HUGE fan of his. You probably still use the term "gay" meaning happy and you probably have friends with the first name of "Gay" or other various forms of it.

Regardless, irregardless, whatever, I'd just like to say that Clay shouldn't have come out and announced his sexual preference. Now that the mystery is gone, he is going to fall into non-celebrity oblivion. Let me explain: since he is officially gay, we can't really tease him about it anymore. So really, what's the point of talking about him?

Bad move, Clay. I've practically forgotten you already. Or maybe that's what he wants?

Love,
Jenna

Sometimes google...

...does funny things. For example, I'm happy to announce that if you google "Can you eat hot pockets if you are pregnant?" my blog appears as one of the results.

For the person who asked that question, maybe the real question should be, "Should anyone eat hot pockets, ever?"

Think about it.

I can't write hot pocket jokes because they will NEVER compare to Jim Gaffigan's hot pocket jokes, ever.

Oh what the heck...

What seriously, what would happen if you ate a hot pocket when you were pregnant?

Would your baby suffer from childhood obesity at birth?

Would he/she be born drinking a 64 ounce jug of coke and reading the latest issue of National Enquirer?

Would he/she develop a habit of entering gas station convenience stores without shoes?

Would he/she be born with a burnt tongue?

Or...maybe hot pockets are the cure for autism.

Who knows?

Love,
Jenna

Sometimes I get a gob, I mean...

...A JOB!

As of today, I am the newest Production Assistant at The Daily Show with Jon Stewart.

For real.

Love,
Jenna

P.S. Did I mention how excited I am?

Sometimes I'm a hazy shade...

...of ugly.

When I woke up this morning, I looked as though death was imminent. Most likely, I'll be ok, I think. But I don't have health insurance right now so I'm just going on my own self diagnosis which has at times been wrong. Last month I was sure I was dying of a brain infection because all day long, I could only smell rubber. I later discovered that the smell was coming from a the new makeup foundation I was using on my face. I've since stopped using it and the smell is history except for the foundation's residue left behind on my powder. Phew. Brain infections can be rough so I feel like I dodged a bullet this time.

My grey complexion got me thinking: what if didn't have a face?

Then the thought quickly moved to, what if I lost my ability to taste?

(shutter)

Or what if my fingers disappeared and were only little nubbies?

Even worse, what if I COULD taste but my mouth's opening were pea-sized and my nubbies made it impossible to put what little food I could in there anyway so I was forced to drink from a straw all the time and my digestive system works as poorly as it does now which means I still couldn't eat dairy products forcing me to consume dairy free Jamba Juice all the time? (It's just not as good!) And still no milkshakes?

Sometimes living without dairy is like living minus delicious. (I know I've written of this before, but I just feel like it needed to be emphasized again for a moment.)

I wonder if you are wondering why I looked so scary this morning. Well I didn't sleep much last night. I'm fairly sure I had a fever most of the night. (Fairly sure because I can never tell. That whole feeling the face to see if it's warmer than usual trick seems fake to me. Seems just as unreliable as WebMD but WebMD is more fun.) Anyway when I have a fever or a cold or the sun goes down or people are breathing somewhere, I have a hard time sleeping.

Last night I chilled in bed most of the night, wide awake, thinking a lot of crazy thoughts. I tried to take NyQuil which never works and, in fact, does the opposite and leaves my mind racing and my body relaxed. Yes, I still try it occasionally just in case it decides to put me to sleep one day.

So one of my major thoughts was a name change. I think I should be the next famous JK. JK Jones. Or just "JK." Let's imagine what that might be like:

JK a.k.a. Jenna walks down the street, minding her business when she sees a lost dude.

JK: Hey, who are you?

Anonymous and Attractive Boy/Man: Oh I'm new to NYC. And I'm totally lost and totally straight.

JK: Oh, really? How interesting! (JK laughs.) Well, I'm Jenna but you can just call me...JK.

A&A Boy/Man: Wait, I can't call you?

JK: No, no, I mean, my name is JK, you can call me JK.

A&A Boy/Man: So you are just kidding about me calling you?

JK: NO, my name is, ugh, whatever. Stupid acronyms. Text messaging has ruined my life.

End Scene.

So it turns out that changing my name perhaps isn't the best idea after all. Made more sense at 3 AM.

Writing this blog post hasn't made my hazy shade of ugly any better but it has made me grateful that I have fingers instead of nubbies. Maybe some new clothes would help my state of being right now.

Or maybe a new diagnosis on WebMD and some Diet Coke?

Brain infection, please, that's so common. I'm aiming much higher than that.

Symptom checker, here I come. Watch out.

Love,
Jenna

Sometimes I get colds...

...in September.

I hate the September head cold. It's a bad omen for the winter months to come.

Love,
Jenna

Sometimes I wish I was a TIVO...

...because I need to record the following three moments in time.

1. Dinner at the Palin household which I imagine (but would like confirmed) goes a little something like this:

Sarah: Where's Bristol?

Mr. Sarah: Oh, she's out with her boyfriend again.

Sarah: They better not be fooling around. He knows I never miss a shot and I'm not talking about basketball, don't you know?

Mr. Sarah: Did you hear that your brother-in-law tasered Junior?

Sarah: WHAT? Well I'll be darned, that man is a menace. I told her shouldn't marry him but she couldn't resist his big fat trooper salary. You know, he didn't even vote for me. I'm gonna get someone on the phone about this. Track! Track, stop feeding your moose stew to the dog. Your grandpa killed that moose for you. We don't get lots of meese like this all the time.

Fade Out. End Scene.

I typed that whole scene with a Minnesotan accent in my head. Do Alaskans sound like Minnesotans? I don't even know.

2. The Cheeto Factory: I'd record the secret employee who adds the "secret ingredient" to Cheetos to finally prove to the world that they are made with a dash of crack; cheese flavored, orange colored crack.

3. Sunday Afternoon Replay: I'd record the pigeon poop incident that occurred on West 4th St. last Sunday afternoon and I'd watch that recording over and over again until I could figure out which pigeon it was exactly who pooped on my arm and then I'd find that pigeon, probably somewhere in Washington Square Park dealing drugs (the pigeon, not me), and I'd punch that pigeon in the face. Somebody call PETA! (Every time I hear about PETA in the news, I crave a gyro.)

For real, wouldn't it be weird if we could record anything we wanted with our minds and then play the recording back on a screen with our mind projector? Why isn't that a special power on Heroes? Was that a spoiler? Alert! Was it?

No. It wasn't.

Love,
Jenna

Sometimes babies are born...

...on Saturday at 7:40 PM. Welcome to the world Oliver Thomas Jones! Jaclyn and Cameron have finally brought forth a boy into the mix and it only took 8 hours. Go Jaclyn! I am so excited to meet my first nephew, Olly. He is one good looking dude.

Congratulations JacCam. Update your blog already...

:)

Love,
Jenna

Sometimes Skittles...

...if eaten too quickly, can leave one with a very sore jaw. I wouldn't know. That's just what I heard and I thought I would share with you.

So next time you want to eat a package of skittles in less than five minutes, remember you could potentially sprain your jaw (and burp the rainbow).

Don't say I didn't warn you.

More life lessons coming soon.

Love,
Jenna

Sometimes people don't realize...

...how important I am.

For your information, dear readers, I have not one, but TWO, official, self proclaimed i-fans. (Please refer to past post in order to understand and familiarize yourself with that term.) There are people, who I don't have to pay, kiss, date, abuse, or be born from, who read my blog. They CHOOSE it and they like it.

The new i-celeb status is absolutely going to my head. Like, today, I was like walking down the street and it totally started raining and I'm like, dur, how dare you, uh, rain? (When you are a celebrity, all sentences end as a question, regardless of what you are saying, duh?)

So anyway, now that I am only a few letter's away from partying like a D-lister with Kathy, I am super excited to share a few non-optional things I expect from any and all who I may interact with.

1. Hanging out with me will always feel like a party and you would never go to a party empty handed, would you? I didn't think so. Most gifts will be accepted unless of course I don't like it in which case I will take it anyway and sell it at my family's annual yard sale extravaganza, because I'm down to earth like that.

2. Never wear sandals in my presence. I don't want to stare at your toes. No one does.

3. Heavy breathing or milk breathe will not be tolerated along with anyone who watches The View and enjoys it. Oh and the hosts of Good Things Utah, put them on The List of Intolerable Nouns as well.

4. Refrain from mentioning my overactive sweat glands or else I will lock you in a room with a mariachi band or Dakota Fanning. Which is worse, I haven't decided.

5. Don't take offense if I choose dinner with Miley Cyrus over you. It's not personal. She's a millionaire, I'm scared/jealous of her empire, and her face is on everything at WalMart, what do you expect?

6. Try not to look me in the eyes, wear the color white on Tuesdays or eat anything in front of me without asking if I want some first. Never wear t-shirts with horses on them. That's more of a general life rule. That goes for unicorn t-shirts as well.

I was so meant for fame. Oh and I'm also taking applications for a personal intern. I can't offer payment at first although I always have a large candy stash. You can have all the red starbursts you want. I like those the least.

The time has finally come when I can lose my sense of humor and start acting like the sale at Bloomingdale's is actually a legit sale. Before long, I'll have my own perfume line at Walgreens called "Love Cloud." After that, I'll start my own religion based on Ninjas. Then I will adopt babies illegally and name them after objects in my purse. Lastly, I'll run for president. Experience seems overrated these days anyway so why not try?

Love,
Jenna

Sometimes I don't do anything...

...and I get paid for it!

Psych.

I'm just dreaming, again.

Love,
Jenna

Sometimes I go running...

...in Riverside Park and strange things happen.

1. A duck came out of no where and hissed at me. So I hissed back.

2. I'm fairly sure I counted at least six different men wearing speedos.

3. All of a sudden, I broke out into song and it was so weird, everyone around me started singing and dancing to the same song. It was a total out of body experience. Like really, I thought I'd died and gone to heaven.

4. I had to say hi to Lucky Burger's employee, twice, once on my way out and once on my way back. I'm pretty sure he thinks that I like him. I should have never let him give me free fries but how could I resist?

5. Someone stopped me and told me I could be a part time model.

6. I almost slapped a horse, again.

6. Then some guys in suits stopped me and asked me to run for Vice President of the United States except when I told them I couldn't shoot a gun and didn't really wear much lipstick, they took back their offer and were gone before I could tell them my position on teaching creationism and evolution in schools.

So yes, it was an odd run on one of the more beautiful days NYC has ever seen. Apparently, this is just what I hear, people in Southern California experience days like this, um, everyday.

I'm eating at Taco Bell tonight, folks. It's gonna be awesome.

Love,
Jenna

Sometimes Tuesday happens...

...before you know it.

Here I am sitting in my apartment on a very dreary day in Manhattan.

I can hear the sound of a horse trotting down 9th Ave (there are horses in my hood), construction workers swearing on 52nd, and the ringing of a siren in the distance and I still have nothing inspiring to write about.

It's raining today.

Raining like a mother.

That phrase doesn't even make sense.

But you totally know what I mean, don't you.

The rain in NYC is like no other. It never really falls but drizzles erratically in all directions. That or it feels like someone is constantly squirting a spray bottle in your face. It does wonders for my hair.

Oh and using an umbrella is useless. The wind will destroy it or the rain will fall horizontally anyway. And umbrellas don't stop cab drivers from driving through large puddles near the curb. That is the only realistic part of Sex and the City, when, in the opening credits, Carrie is splashed by a city bus.

Chew on that while I brainstorm for a better post and a better tomorrow.

Love,
Jenna

Sometimes facebook...

...has so much power over us!

Would the pretend facebook who keeps posting comments on my blog understand that he or she is in grave danger. Please be careful. In my feed this morning, facebook warned me that it is hungry for YOUR brain.

Jenna is moving on:

Today and only today, my greatest wish is to see my face on a Lucky Charms box. Athletes are on Wheaties, which is, let's be honest, boresville (not a word, I know). Not only are Wheaties worse than corn flakes, but you have to pour at least a cup of sugar on them to make them swallowable (also not a word, very aware of that). How do I qualify for such an honor? Well, I'm not Irish BUT:

1. I have been known to find many a lucky penny.
2. I often replace the word "of" with "o'."
3. Currently, my favorite color is green.
4. I dated a red head once.
5. If I drank alcohol, I would drink like an Irishman, probably.

I'm sure General Mills will call me any second.

In other Jenna life news, I would like to announce that a friend of mine recently taught me how to punch correctly. Since it is a dream of mine (today and forever) to punch someone in the face one day (if you follow this blog, you definitely knew that), I thought it only right to learn the proper way to do it. Turns out , I am a pro and punching someone in the face will be easier than expected. If you would like a demonstration on yourself or one of your friends or enemies, I am more than happy to oblige for the very small fee of $1.00. That is cheap entertainment, folks!

Love,
Jenna

Sometimes I update my facebook status...

...but my updates are always interesting and/or entertaining. The rest of you have some explaining to do.

What's the deal with the facebook status? I mean, sure I use it. But I know and willingly admit that it's just a cry for attention. Some people use that status like we really care what they are doing every second of every day. Yes, thank you, I really need a play by play from a girl who, when she requested me as a friend, I recognized but have no idea how I know her or why we are friends.

Here are a few observations I've made about the facebook status:

1. If you log on to facebook and 25 of your friends' status are announcing their recent engagement:

A. It's April Fool's Day

or

B. You are Mormon

or

C. You have a lot of Mormon friends and it's April 1st.

2. I appreciate the people who haven't realized that the "is" in the status line is optional. It's cute, really.

Mike is Happy Birthday Sarah!

3. The most exciting facebook status updates are the mean ones of course:

Brenda is so sick of men and their lies.
Blake hates all of you today.
Blaire wishes you would leave him alone forever.
Brad wants to hurt puppies.

(Probably shouldn't be friends with that last guy and apparently Blaire is a boy.)

4. I always feel a little nervous when people are inconsistent with their pronouns.

Incorrect: Rachel is walking my dog.
Correct: Rachel is walking her dog.

It's all very confusing unless, of course, Rachel is your dog walker or a known dog thief.

5. I don't understand spelling errors.

Dana can't wiat to see her neices. Yaayyy!!!!!

Typing that make me cringe. Reading it makes my head hurt.

6. The best facebook status updates are those that are trying real hard to be...ambiguous but really are just vague and/or irritating.

Steve is...
McKenzie can't wait...
Lauren wonders why you are so beautiful in the early morning sky when you aren't even here. (That doesn't even make sense.)
Jenny is staring deeply.
Richard writes his soul on napkins at starbucks.

7. Cliches are always fun too.

Stephanie is wearing her heart on her sleeve.
Mary wants you to turn that frown upside down.
Harry woke up at 7 am because the early bird gets the worm.

Although, I feel that these people are truly sincere, they still make me want to punch myself in the face.

8. Facebook status updates tell a lot about a personality.

A boss: Piper wants you to help me move tomorrow.
A lazy employee: Alex hates working today and wishes it was always Friday.
A vampire and/or science fiction geek (this is a tricky one): Ed is thirsty for your blood.

Conclusion: I've come to realize that the facebook status is weird because it forces us to type and read about ourselves in third person. And I recently heard that the more you talk about yourself in third person the more quickly facebook will own your soul and devour your brain.

Jenna is so finished with this post.

Love,
Jenna

So....phia was born today!

Congratulations to my brother Tyler and his beautiful wife Rachel! Rachel gave birth to Sophia Rose Jones this morning at 6 am. According to Janae, she looks more like Rachel which means she is a beauty. Phew, no offense Ty, you're a handsome dude but would you really want a "handsome" daughter? Exactly.

I am so happy for your little family! I hope Mr. Darcy and Party Girl behave themselves around their new sister.

Love,
Jenna

P.S. Cam and Jac...you're next!

Sometimes I like food...

...a lot.

Is there something wrong with a person who wakes up in the morning and thinks about what she should eat, then gets to work and thinks about lunch, and then gets home from work and thinks, "What is the maximum I could eat without gaining any weight?" and then proceed to eat too much anyway?

If so, I really think you need help.

Oprah told me once, "You have to eat to live but you really shouldn't live to eat." That's an idea, I guess. Then again, should I really take eating advice from a woman whose weight has fluctuated more than Pam Anderson's marriage status? And lately, whose weight has steadily increased faster than my credit card debt? Gas prices and Oprah's weight: which one is more like to go down? And if so, is this really in the foreseeable future or are we doomed to pretend to go green with hybrid vehicles and stare at O Magazine covers thinking, "She is definitely not THAT skinny," forever?

Ok, you know what? I love food I do. Maybe I should just get fat and see what happens. Maybe people would think I was funnier and I could, along with Mo'Nique, make an entire career out of insulting skinny girls.

If I were forced to get fat, I would eat a lot of french fries and onion rings. More than I do now. I would also eat Taco Bell. A lot of it.

So let's just get this out in the open. I love Taco Bell. Yes, I know the ground beef comes out of a plastic bag and could potentially be made of rat meat. Yes, I know that there's a chance I might get hepatitis or some kind of tape worm from contaminated tomatoes. Of course, I understand that eating there places me at the bottom of the fast food food chain. If I have to put my life in my own hands to eat at Taco Bell, so be it. If it makes you feel any better, I do have one rule about Taco Bell. The TB Golden Rule: Never ever ever eat a bean burrito after 11 PM. I repeat: no bean burritos after 11 PM. Trust me. And trust my bowels.

Fast food is good. I wish everyone would just be open about it. You love it, your neighbor loves it, and you know what? I bet Barack Obama likes it. If Barack and Oprah ate at Wendy's tomorrow, oh who am I kidding, it's not even worth dreaming about. But seriously, can you imagine?

Actually, let me tell you a little bit about fast food in general.

You love it. Yes, you love it. Let me explain to you why you love it.

Imagine a time when you are far far away, in another country that may as well be another planet and you're exhausted after a long day of getting lost on your way to packed tourist destinations where you paid $5.00 for a bottle of water and took 50 pictures that you think make you look fat but will inevitably be posted on facebook anyway because you want to prove to your friends and future lovers that you've traveled the world all the while you are praying that the next person you speak to sounds like they are from Kansas and then...you see a McDonald's in the distance. You run for those golden arches, those crisp and skinny french fries, those little hamburgers with diced onions as fast as your exhausted legs and tevo wearing feet can carry you. You glide into that McDonald's like you own the world beacuse you are sure that the BigMac is going to taste like home and even if you can't read the menu you know what it says. You order your American fast food and slurp down that icy soda, sink into your booth, hide your camera and any evidence of a receipt and chew ever so slowly.

See, I told you. You love fast food. It's ok, I do too. (Probably not very comforting...)

My lunch was pretty good today. Lots of protein. I wonder what I should eat for dinner...

Love,
Jenna

Sometimes...IT'S TV TIME!

I love television and just realized that I didn't want my TV blogs to get lost in the hubbub of my other blogging endeavors.

So please join me in my television blogging journey here at

www.watchtvwithme.blogspot.com

Tell your friends.

Love,
Jenna

Sometimes...I personally think you should...

...write this post in honor of Nayr Nilbmah.

Yesterday I saw your yellow jeep in Manhattan but you weren't in it.

Rude.

Then on Friday night I thought it was raining in my room.*

Weird.

Now I'd really like to eat delicious Mexican food.

Help.

Love,
Jenna

*Long story. Ask if you want.

Sometimes my fan...

...writes me.

Yes, I have a fan!!!

Yesterday I was e-mailed by someone called, "Bendrix." I know, he sounds like a robotron from another planet but I am fairly sure (I'm waiting for my sources to confirm it), that he is human.

Apparently, or so he writes, I am his favorite "I-List Celebrity."

What does that mean? Duh. (Ok so maybe I just learned as well...)

I-List = Internet List

Whatever...A-listers watch out. Kathy Griffin beware. I'm catching up.




I am a celebrity!

And now that I've reached I-List status, I expect you to all treat me much differently. List of required treatment soon to come.

Love,
Jenna

Sometimes Sarah Palin has...

...a baby and then becomes the V.P. Nominee five months later.

WHAT THE WOMAN?

Didn't Barack give a speech or something last night?

Wait, who is Sarah Palin?

Dang, Gina, I am excited about this election.

Love,
Jenna

Sometimes we need visual...

...stimulation.

This blog needs new pictures. I know.



Lay off or I'll send her after you.

Love,
Jenna

Sometimes I want to play...

...a game.

Today, you lovely, not to mention lucky, readers get an update on the recent happenings in "my" life that may or may not be true and/or borrowed. Isn't this game fun? Yes, it's a game. (You should know the rules.)

1. Vampires exist! And one of them works at the Blockbuster on 51st and 8th! His name is Josh. He is much more pleasant than I expected a vampire to be and he comes well equipped with an extensive knowledge of films. I guess when you've lived forever, you are more likely to know a large repertoire of movies. It's impressive really. Oh, how can I be sure he's a vampire? He tried to bite me. Well, no, he didn't but he is very pale, has dark circles under his eyes, always works the night shift, and I think I may have seen a pair of fangs peeking out from behind his deep red lips. Yes, he's a vampire. It's not a problem for me though because I eat ample amounts of garlic regularly.

1.A. I also learned recently that when a vampire and a human reproduce, you get Jewel. She's a halfsie! Do you know how hard it is to grow up in the vampire community with one fang? I'm surprised she was able to break free of her vampire roots and cross over to pop music.

2. There is this thing called the Democratic National Convention going on. Apparently, tonight, Will.i.am and Barack will be performing/speak singing/speaking, together, I hope. It's going to be t-t-t-t-t-t-t-tasty, tasty.

3. I'd like to pose a question that I've thought of quite a bit recently for reasons I find truly unfortunate:

Why do girls wear thong underwear? And why is it that the girls who wear them always wear pants that don't fit. Think about it. (Feel free to dry heave and/or lose appetite...NOW.) But seriously, why? Perma-wedgie? No thanks. Showing off the b*tt which, if polled universally, would be in the top three most unattractive body parts, is a horrible, horrible thing to do to other people.

4. If McCain doesn't choose Mitt Romney, I've offered to eat circus peanuts soaked in oyster shells until he changes his mind. I told some people in the "biz" about my idea and my reality show "Jenna Jonez Eatz 4 Democrazy: It's crazy." comes out next week right after "Tila Tequila" and just before "The Hills(z)." Of course, it's an MTV production which means, yes, I sold my soul to the devil.

5. Big news: according to sources, David Archuleta has a "crush" on me. I'm really flattered, I am, but I think we should just be friends.

6. Last night, our Russian waitress gasped when my friend ordered a strawberry shake. Are strawberries code for something in Russia? Is my friend on a hit list now? Should I be concerned for my safety? So, moving to Moscow is now out of the question?

7. I've decided if I don't have health insurance by 2009, I am moving to Thailand to become a celebrity.

Did you win?

Love,
Jenna

Sometimes Nick Lachey...

...fanatics read my blog.

For all you fans out there who saw my post, I had Nick's phone number once. Oh and his guitar player totally hit on me. Oh and...

Love,
Jenna

P.S. My last post made it onto a fan site for Nick Lachey so I just wanted to share a little more of my Lachey history with all of them.

Sometimes I can't avoid...

...the Lachey brothers. I love the Lachey's. Who? Nick and Drew Lachey. Celebrity brothers or brothers who are celebrities (of course, I'm using the term celebrity loosely as they may not be at the top of the A-listers) that I absolutely adore. What makes them celebrities: 98 degrees, Dancing with the Stars, MTV's Newlyweds, etc. (duh).

Last Friday, in true Jenna style, I decided that instead of riding the subway to my friends place 20+ blocks down and across town, I would walk there instead. So with my little green ipod in hand and my messenger bag draped over my shoulder, I set out on my quest. When I take my long walks across town I like to set my ipod on "shuffle" mode and see where it takes me. First on the playlist that night, "Sweet Talk" by The Killers, probably one of my favorite Killers songs. Next, Rihanna's "Breakin' Dishes," the ultimate man hater song. Then came Nick Lachey's classic, "I Can't Hate You Anymore."

In truer Jenna style, I started humming audibly. In NYC, I have no problem singing to myself down the street. If I look crazy, so be it. There's always someone crazier anyway (That's sort of my attitude with most things: there's always someone slower, dumber, smarter, prettier, uglier...It's a great coping mechanism.)

With my music, I was making good time down 8th Ave through the intense Friday night Times Square crowds. Near 42nd St., I ran into the little red hand informing me that it was not time to cross the street. Usually I disregard the hand and dodge cabs and other New Jersey vehicles in an attempt to cross, but I was in such a good mood, I decided to wait my turn. In truest Jenna style, I began staring at the couple next to me, still humming of course. Dressed in casual clothes (jeans and t-shirts), they were holding hands and quietly chatting with each other. I noticed the man wore a baseball cap which is an odd piece of clothing for a Friday night unless you are a tourist from the midwest who wears hats inappropriately because

a. you think it's stylish
b. you are going bald

or

c. you are a celebrity trying to pose as a midwest tourist in Times Square.

I was hoping for c so I looked more closely still humming and now more loudly as I concentrated on his face. He looked up and, boom, our eyes met. It was Drew Lachey. I shifted my eyes over to the woman to make sure it was his wife and thankfully, it was.

Then I realized something: I'm staring at Drew and Mrs. Lachey humming his brother's hit song.

Then I thought: Should I ask Drew for Nick's phone number?

Before I had time to decide, the light changed, he looked at me again, probably to make sure I wasn't going to follow him, and I blushed and walked quickly in the other direction. Gosh, I love those guys.

This is a true story.

Love,
Jenna

P.S. I did make it to my friends apt. I missed the 7/11 though which I was hoping to pass so I could big gulp my way there. That doesn't even make sense but I loved typing it so it stays.

Sometimes I feel uninspired...

...so I ask my friends for help.

(The following are real IM conversations. Most of them, at least.)

Conversation A:

Jenna: Hey friend #1, what should I write about?

Friend #1: sticky fingers and calendar days ha

Jenna: Booo, too easy.

Conversation B:

Jenna: Hey friend #2, what should I write about?

Friend #2: Transitions between bubble life and Liberal Mayhem, and the difficulty in between.

Friend #2: I don't really like to talk about my personal life in that much detail.

Conversation C:

Jenna: Hey friend #3, what should I write about?

Friend #3: My undying love for Clay Aiken.

Jenna: Aaah, we can't be friends anymore. Saaaaad. :(

Love,
Jenna

P.S. I'd just like to say that Friend #1, #2, and #3 are in no particular order. I like them all equally, well, I mean, except for #3. But obviously, you can understand why.

Sometimes Michael Phelps...

...probably thinks, "It's too bad I'm not better looking in the face." Yes, he probably thinks that.

Go Phelps!

Love,
Jenna

Sometimes people ask me about my writing...

...and this is how it feels.



Hmmm?

Sometimes the Olympics...

...are inspiring but really, tell me, are the female volleyball players' tiny uniforms absolutely necessary? Those suits really don't leave much to the imagination. Maybe the less sand in your pants, the better? I don't know. It's been plaguing me all weekend. Scratch volleyball off my list of potential Olympic sports to master.

I think I'm going to try out synchronized diving. I need to find a partner though. Someone who falls as quickly as I do. Anyone?

Too bad I'm not a gymnast. I have the thighs for it.

What other sport should I consider? Well there are plenty to choose from and honestly the older you are the better. 41 is the new 16. I've got twenty years before I even need to worry about being in the Olympics.

Gotta go! Phelps has to win Gold Medal #3 tonight. If he doesn't, I'll lose all respect for him (I'm with the Chinese: nothing but absolute success is acceptable).

Love,
Jenna

P.S. I still haven't seen The Traveling Sisterhood of Pants 2 or The Sisterpants of Travel 2 or the Pants of Traveling Sisterhoods 2. What's it called again? I hear it's a real winner. Way better than the first which I still haven't seen as well so I really wouldn't know. (So why am I talking about it? The previews really captured my imagination. Another movie about magical pants. That's almost as amazing as HellBoy II. Wow.)

Also: John Edwards: SERIOUSLY?

Sometimes I Watch Backstreet Boys...

...music videos while I write. (My writing suffers but my heart soars.)

The chair routine in "As Long As You Love Me," gets me every time.

Sometimes...I MISS BOY BANDS...

...or maybe I miss being 13 years old? But seriously? To all my fellow 22 year olds out there, was that not an amazing era in music? (The Boy Bands of my generation are groups like NSYNC, Backstreet Boys, 98 Degrees, Five, O-Town, etc. Unfortunately, girls my age caught the boy band train when Boyz II Men, All 4 One, and New Kids on the Block were getting off.)

Top 10 Boy Band Memories:

10. When Nick Carter went through his "fat years," I defended him. I loved him anyway. Try explaining that to a group of evil, blonde, rabid NSYNC fans. I could have died or at least lost a limb if I weren't such an amazing Ninja.

9. Is it bad to pray for love? Is it bad to pray for a BSB member to join my faith, look past our age difference, and marry me? If so, I never actually did that.

8. I have a song for every first:

First Crush = Quit Playing Games with My Heart by BSB
First Boyfriend = Bye Bye Bye by NSYNC
First Kiss = Shape of My Heart by BSB
First Breakup = All or Nothing by O-Town or I Want You Back NSYNC depending on the situation.
First Time I Had to Shop in the Women's section because I grew out of Girls sizes: I Want It That Way by BSB

7. Please read the lyrics for the the Backstreet Boys song "We've Got It Going On" below:

"Everybody groove to the music/everybody jam/oh oh hey/we've been waiting so long/just can't hold it back no more/creeping up and down now/it's time for me to let it go/if you really wanna see/what we can do for you ah/s___ the crazy w_________/sing it."

Until I googled these lyrics five minutes ago, I had no idea what they were singing in those blanks so when singing along in the 7th grade, I would slur my words together so my friends couldn't tell that I didn't know them. If you watch the music video on youtube, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YcWngQVAMHc and fill in the blanks without googling the lyrics, I will give you a prize. Also watch for the "shoot the basketball" dance move. They really have great form.

6. I attended at least three, possibly four, Backsteet Boys concerts. I was deaf for a minimum of 24 hours after each show but the ringing in my ears was definitely worth it.

5. Sometimes my Dad would take us to an electronics store and let us kids choose a couple of CD's. This is when CD's were still acceptable. So one time, I threw in the single by 5ive titled "Baby, When the Lights Go Out." It slipped through the cracks (phew) and I would secretly listen to it in my room at night. I didn't really understand what they were talking about but I knew it was naughty and feared the wrath of Janae, my mother.

4. When Lance from NSYNC came out of the closet, I called my friend and yelled, "In your face!" I felt kind of bad afterwards when she informed me that her husband just left her for a man....

That wasn't a true story but can you imagine? Whoa. My life isn't that bad after all.

3. Overalls. All Boy Bands, true Boy Bands, have a music video where every member is wearing overalls. Some of them have one strap undone. Oh, that was always the hottest. I wasn't rebellious enough to wear my overalls like that.

2. I was determined to be a pop singer after I heard "I Swear" by All 4 One for the first time. Anyone seen that video lately? The 90's really weren't all that flattering.

1. This past October, yes, October 2007, the newest BSB album came out and on my way to work, I stopped by Virgin Megastore in Times Square to buy one. The Backstreet Boys were there earlier that morning signing copies of "Unbreakable." I tried to convince a dear friend of mine to come stand in line with me at 4 am but she bailed on me due to midterms and I wasn't going alone. So when I got to Virgin Megastore a few hours later there were a few lingering BSB fans. They were roughly my age but all of them were unfortunate looking. It really made me rethink this love. Is it time to move on? Time to put away my childish memories? Am I that homely?

FYI: The new CD was ok. A few classic BSB tunes and a few that were homelier than their fans. Recently, I tried to listen to their first album all the way through. It was hard. Like running a marathon barefoot. Like climbing a mountain with no hands. Like eating over cooked scrambled eggs without any salt. Barf.

If you love Boy Bands, don't be embarrassed. It was in the past. They served their purpose. Love them, leave them, but never forget what they did for you. (Or just watch their old music videos on youtube once in a while. They are all there.)

Love,
Jenna

P.S. I know I've given a lot of love to Boy Bands in this but let's not forget about my girls...The Spice Girls that is. Girl Power!

Sometimes I think...

...I know what's best for me.

Then I drink another "double gulp.***" That's 64 ounces.****

Then I run to the bathroom every five minutes***** for the next two hours.

Then I think, "Did I drink any water today?"

Of course I did.

Ice, duh.

Phew.

Love,
Jenna

***The double gulp should not be drunk while driving.

****The double gulp is a two handed drink unless your are a professional basketball player.

*****Five minutes is a "Jenna Estimate" therefore time frame could be considered an exaggeration.

P.S. A new season of television is about a month away. I am EXCITED and will have my MUST SEE TV spreadsheet finished by then. So you should GET EXCITED too. It's a lot of work and I hate spreadsheets (I didn't study finance so I'm not best friends with Microsoft Excel...don't judge) but it's always worth it in the end.

Sometimes Harry Potter...

...has to compete with vampires.

Last night I was hanging out at Border's with my homies. I have a few, hard to believe, I know. Obviously we are cool kids, hanging at Border's Bookstore on a Friday night with a mass of middle aged housewives and angst ridden teenage girls (who are dying to be "in love") waiting to see what Stephenie Meyer's has in store for Edward and Bella.

Why were we there? I don't know, especially because my friends are ALL males between the ages of 21-23. Oh wait, that's exactly why we were there. Their odds were especially good last night.

Here's what happened:

1. A girl with "vampire eyes" (contacts that made her look posessed) jumped out from behind a bookshelf and scared me so bad I went ninja on her.

2. Coby hit on girls, I mean, women, I mean...females somewhere in between that stage. Britney Spears has a whole song about it.

3. I discovered that there really are vampires in Utah. My brother Tyler tried to convince me of that when he worked the graveyard shift at the 7/11 in South Provo but I didn't believe him until now. Slurpees are vampires second favorite beverage.

4. I ran into an old friend who knew me when I looked like this:



I'm the girl in the pink "kitty" costume. The other females in the photo would probably sue me if they could for posting this. (I'm laughing inside.)

5. Ryan thanked all of the Border's employees for coming to his party. After a while, they got annoyed, tied him up and offered him as a sacrifice to all the hungry vampires.

6. I didn't see any attractive vampire men so I don't believe in Edward at all.

7. I offered my friends $5.00 to do a variety of dares and none of them took me up on it and I was highly disappointed. Don't worry, I didn't let it ruin my night.

After a night out with vampires, I don't think I am any smarter.

Although I did realize one thing: I need to write a book.

Love,
Jenna

Sometimes I go on vacation...

...from my vacation. So that's where I've been. I got a tan (woohoo!) for the first time in four years. I nearly blinded some young children on the beach. An elderly woman thought she was having a vision because I actually glowed. I let her believe it. I even played along a little. Then she gave me her money and it paid for lunch. Psych!

Anyway, I'm working on some "posts." In the meantime, please enjoy the latest from the Ninja Fund.

Sometimes my childhood...

...was a little stressful.

When I was in the first grade, I looked like this:



(You can blame my mom for the haircut but unfortunately the shorts are my doing. My mom always let me dress myself.)

And this is how I felt about a dinosaur named Barny, not to be confused with the loving purple dinosaur named Barney:








Love,
Jenna

P.S. Keep in mind: I wrote this in 1992 when my family still lived in Korea. Jurassic Park came out in 1993 so there is no chance this story was inspired by the film. Maybe Barney but he was/is creepy. I never trusted him.

Sometimes people are ridic...

...culous.

Yesterday I went to the grocery store (three times actually). During the first two visits, I wore the same outfit. Long shorts, a navy blue t-shirt, and these sweet shoes I bought last week. I coveted these shoes my entire freshman year of college. My best friend that year wore them all the time. I wanted to buy them but they were too expensive. So, I lived without them until I found them last week in the clearance section of Aldo Kids shoes. My feet are small enough to wear the largest kid size so I ended up scoring the shoes for $7.00. So anyway, I was rockin' my new shoes in Macey's Grocery Store yesterday and this woman came up to me. Here's what went down:

Woman: Oh my goodness, your shoes are so cute.

Jenna: Thanks!

Jenna continues to walk but the woman stops in front of her blocking her escape all the while still staring at her shoes.

Woman: They are SO cute. Wow. Are they Uggs?

Jenna: Nope, they aren't. I don't actually know what brand they are but they aren't Uggs.

The woman continues to stare. Jenna looks the woman up and down to see that she is well dressed and quite pretty for her age. (Of course, Utah county is full of pretty older women.)

Woman: So where did you get them?

Jenna: Aldo. They have stores in Salt Lake and Park City.

Woman: Hmm, oh.

Woman stares at shoes.

Woman: They are so cute.

Woman stares into Jenna's eyes.

Jenna: Do you want me to take them off and give them to you?

Woman: Well yes. That would be so nice of you.

Jenna: I'm joking.

Woman: I'm not, that would be the charitable thing to do.

Jenna: What?

Woman: Those are cute shoes and I want them. Give them to me.

Jenna: Um...

Woman: Give them to me!

The woman reaches down to grab Jenna's feet. Jenna tries to run but is frozen with fear. The woman looks up and Jenna takes the chance to swing a punch.

Jenna wakes up two hours later in a church parking lot. She has a black eye and no shoes.

Jenna: What happened to me?

Jenna sees that her shoes are missing.

Jenna: So did I punch her or what?

The End.

I still haven't punched anyone in the face or have I?

Love,
Jenna

P.S. I want my shoes back.

Sometimes nerdiness...

...comes naturally. Like me, for example. I don't mean to be so nerdy, I just am. I recently saw an article in Nylon Magazine (Just in case you might think that makes me cool, I don't read Nylon Magazine regularly. In fact, I was googling Lisa Loeb's song "Stay" and ran into the article. See, still very nerdy.) Anyway, Nylon Magazine published The Top 10 Nerdiest Songs of All Time in their June 2008 issue. That got me thinking: what are the Top 10 Nerdiest Songs in my Itunes?

Get ready for nerdy chills:

1. Owner of a Lonely Heart - Yes - If you saw the movie "The Break-Up" you know why this song is nerdy. (And also why this song is hilarious.)

2. Who Says You Can't Go Home - Bon Jovi - This song is so cheesy it makes my stomach hurt.

3. That's How I Beat Shaq - Aaron Carter - Mr. Carter should be ashamed of himself. I guarantee he's not but he really should be.

4. Santa Claus Is Comin' To Town - Rockapella - Why? (And yes, Rockapella is that a capella group from Where In The World Is Carmen San Diego? I saw them sing in Utah once. They autographed their album cover for me. I probably should have kept that to myself.)

5. She Likes Me For Me - Blessed Union of Souls - This song is every nerd's dream: to find someone who likes him/her for him/herself.

6. This Time Around - Hanson - At least it's not Mm Bop (spelling?).

7. Perfect Day - Hoku - I sang this in a singing group once. We did fan kicks. Then this kid tried to lift me but I'm pretty sure I weighed a good 20 pounds more than him.

8. All My Life - K-Ci & JoJo - I think this song was written on the spot. K-Ci started singing and JoJo would finish his sentences.

9. I'm Free - Kenny Loggins - Footloose and fancy free.

10. Wish For You - LFO (Light Funky Ones) - "I like girls that wear Abercrombie and Fitch." I never wore Abercrombie and Fitch but I sure wished I did when this song came out.

I know what you are thinking. Those aren't only nerdy, they are just plain bad. I wish I could say that they just magically appeared in my itunes music library. Unfortunately, I can't. I know why I own each and every song and will admit that many of them may have come from "Now That's What I Call Music" CD's. Ugh...I think they are up to Now That's What I call Music 497. I swear those CD's were cool once upon a time, weren't they? No? Oh, ok, I was and still am a nerd.

Love,
Jenna

Face it: sometimes people get older...

Today I am older.

I am facing it.

Sometimes I am so grateful for...

...youtube.

I saw this commercial a couple weeks ago and it made me laugh. I wanted to see it and thanks to youtube and user "adfreakdotcom," I was able to find the commercial. And now I'm sharing it with you...

Look out for an amazing "star" jump. Just watch...

Sometimes I wonder...

...could there be anything more annoying than a TV show about four unattractive women living in New York City?

Hmmmm, oh wait! I know what's more annoying! A MOVIE about four unattractive women living in New York City.

If you HAD to, which character in Sex and the City do you want to be?

If you are the main character, the narrator, the one who wears ridiculous clothes and looks like a foot and actually NEVER works yet somehow lives in a HUGE apartment in Manhattan and loves a guy named Mr. Big Head for the obvious reason that his head is larger than the great pumpkin in that Charlie Brown Halloween movie I saw once, oh wow, I got carried away, that's right, here name is CARRIE, if you want to be Carrie, you are a little more cautious about your scanky behavior, you would NEVER knowingly hook up with a married man, did I mention your frightening sense of fashion, and lastly, you constantly say unfortunate things like "You know what, we should call New York, Old York, I'm so bored with everything." Phew, I'm so glad I got that out.

If you want to be the brunette, you know, the sweet, naive, and of course, virtuous Charlotte, you are a pushover. Sorry, it's the truth. Or maybe you are just boring too.

If you are the old blond cougar, just kill me now. We can't be friends.

And lastly, we have the "smart" red head. I think she's a lawyer. Whatever. If I had to choose to be a character on the show, I'd be her, whatever her name is. She's supposed to be the ugly "brainy" woman who is so nerdy, she actually gets married or has a baby or can't sleep around like the rest of them or something like that. What is her name? Seriously, I have no idea.

I'm so tired of talking about these characters. This post started out with such great potential but I just can't take it anymore. Sex and the City is lame. FACE IT!

I can almost guarantee that this movie is going to flop. Almost. Movie critics are going to hate it. Die hard fans, teenage wannabe fans and gay men everywhere will probably embrace it, quote it, try to dress like SJP, etc, etc...

Again...KILL ME NOW.

Rotten Tomatoes Prediction: 24% and I'm being generous.

Love,
Jenna

Sometimes I'm selfish...

...and apparently a little bit impatient? Right, right, whatever, MOVING ON...

So lately I've been feeling sorry for myself. I try not to let it show but I'm becoming totes annoying. I almost want to punch myself in the face, mostly right now because I used the word "totes." It means totally for those of you who aren't "hip" like that. Anyway, don't worry about my face. I won't punch it. It's all I've got these days. Although, I think I have crows feet already. And sun spots. And my teeth...

Oh wait, am I feeling sorry for myself again?



My BF, let's just call him "Joe," told me I better write down 10 things I'm grateful for to remedy my situation.

Here goes...

1. Costco - more specifically, Costco Hot Dogs, Apple Pies, Sample Ladies and ankle socks.

2. My iTunes Playlist titled "My Life is Harder Than Yours." It grows day by day...

3. Amy Poehler when she plays Amber, that awful white trash one legged girl who farts everytime she hops around. "Jealous?" (Kind of, actually.)

4. The person who coined the word "spooning."

5-9. Brian, Kevin, AJ, Nick, and Howie D. of the Backstreet Boys for getting me through my 14th year of life on this earth. If I could borrow a phrase my brother used once, I'd like to call my teenage years, "The Nose Years."

10. Diet Coke on the rocks: if you were a Mormon man, I'd elope to the temple in a heartbeat.

Wow, I feel so much better. Me, me, me, me, me, me, me. You know?

Love,
Jenna

Sometimes Law and Order...

...is the only thing on TV. Like, literally, the ONLY thing on television. I took a JetBlue flight from New York City to Salt Lake City last night and discovered that the only thing to watch on Sunday night is Law and Order. It was playing on, wait for it, wait for it, EIGHT different networks. WTF?

It's not even that great. Ok it is a well written and well produced television show. Fine. BUT come on! I got so confused. I'd start one episode and then during a commercial break tune into a different episode and then forget which episode I was watching and then before long, I had no idea what was going on. At one point, I thought a group of cheerleaders killed a football player who attacked a stripper whose mother was actually a drug dealer dating a pervert who actually wasn't the murderer even though he was creepy as he*l.

All I wanted to do was watch Roseanne. In fact, there are quite a few things I'd rather watch than Law and Order at this exact moment in time:

1. Paint drying.

2. A slideshow of rocks.

3. Saved by the Bell: The College Years.

4. Youtube videos made and narrated by awkward and angst-ridden Swedish 14 year old nerds.

5. Sister Act 2.

Love,
Jenna

P.S. TNT is showing a Law and Order mini-marathon to celebrate Memorial Day. Please stay away from the TV and go outside. Enjoy the day off. I know I will. I'm going to WalMart to oooh and aaah over cheap socks.

Sometimes I get stressed out...

...and when I'm stressed out, I do crazy things.

For example:

1. A couple days ago, I walked out of Staples with a giant spool of bubble wrap without paying for it. Don't worry. I went back and paid.

2. The next day, I left my entire NINJA FUND at Chipotle. And that's what I'd really like to talk about today.

The NINJA FUND. A couple of months ago, I started the Ninja Fund in order to raise money so I could go to an overly expensive restaurant called Ninja where the waiters are actual trained ninjas. BUT because Ninja is all about eating, I wanted to earn money by eating. So basically, I would do any food related dare for compensation. Last week, I ate an Oyster for $6.00. Once I ate ketchup packets. I may have eaten candy corn that had been in my mom's ear and a gummy licked by my brother's dog for about $3.00. Anyway, the other day, I wanted to trade in my change for dollar bills: the fund was getting a little too heavy. The Duane Reade Pharmacy by my apartment has a coin counter but of course, it was broken. I was carrying the change in a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser box because I was out of ziplock bags so I took the box with me to Chipotle for lunch. Cameron (brother) and Janae (mother) were with me. After a nice long two hour lunch, we got up to leave and left the fund on the table. Of course, I didn't realize it until the next morning. I returned to Chipotle and they swear that hadn't seen anything of the sort there. Yeah, like I believe them. A Mr. Clean Box full of change? P-lease. Now if I had been looking for a Lysol can full of nickels, I would have been in luck...

So I have to start another Ninja Fund. Start all over again. Ridiculous? No way.

Any food related dare. You name it, I'll do it. Just e-mail me, I'll record me eating it and post it on my new blog...

www.ninjafund.blogspot.com

I will post a video clip there soon...

In the meantime, I am working on a four-step program to de-stress.

Love,
Jenna

Sometimes I'm lazy...

...and people complain. I'm BACK! I won't leave for that long ever again...probably.

These past few weeks, I've actually missed my blog and your comments but couldn't find the drive to write. I tried to blame my lack of posts on just about everything, for example:

1. "I don't remember how to turn my computer on."

2. I performed an experiment called "My Life Without the Internet." Conclusion: I have no real life.

3. The grocery store by my apartment stopped selling Garden Salsa SunChips. How am I supposed to write without them?

4. Updating my wikipedia page takes up a lot of time.

5. I was busy falling in love with David Archuleta.

6. I tried to avoid my blog until the democrats finally picked a candidate but it looks like that isn't going to happen anytime soon. Well not until August, most likely. I can't wait that long. Hillary has been wearing too many snazzy pant suits to go unnoticed.

7. I want my future potential employers to be able to google me and be thoroughly entertained. If you are considering hiring me...um...well...think about it this way. You can laugh about reading my blog in the office before you knew me and make fun of my eHarmony rejection, poor eating habits, self-deprecating sense of humor, bad taste in television, etc...

So those are my excuses. Yep. That's all I got. I'm getting back into this posting thing. Expect new stuff regularly. And if you don't like my writing, well, you can expect a reaction similar to this:



Love,
Jenna

P.S. The reason I've really been gone? I had to suffer through my last set of finals and graduate from New York University on Wednesday. Word...

Sometimes Earth Day...

...tries to make me feel guilty so...

I went green this week to stop Global Warming because it's the COOL thing to do.

Here's what I did to contribute:

1. Instead of leaving the water on all night like I usually do in order to simulate the sound of a river, I purchased a CD called, "Nothing Like Sleeping to the Sound of Water in Order to Go Green and Stop AIDS" produced by Bono, endorsed by Oprah, and also recommended by the big guy upstairs. And by the big guy upstairs, I mean, Lloyd, the big guy who lives in the apartment above mine.

2. I decided to burn my trash rather than throwing it down the garbage shoot in order to save space at the dump.

3. At my "Go Green or Go Home" party, which was sort of a big deal, like P. Diddy's 4th of July White Party, everyone had to wear green from head to toe and bring their own plates, silverware, and cups. Then we had a big water fight.

4. I put a sign above my toilet that says: "If it's brown, flush it down. If you pee, let it be."

Just looking out for you, Mother Earth, until it's not hip anymore or Oprah tells me to do something else.

I'm going to go hug a tree now.

Love,
Jenna

F.Y.I. I've been thinking that I'd rather heat up this earth as soon as possible. Winter makes me fat, pale and cold. Let's get rid of it.

Sometimes we celebrate...

...birthdays. Today is my little brother's birthday.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY CHUCK!

Thanks for being you. And thanks for telling your friends that my blog is funny and that they should read it or be lame. You've always been so supportive.



Let's eat pie.

Love,
Jenna

Sometimes I ignore pieces of paper...

...that are wadded up on the floor in my room but you see my room is so small that one piece of paper takes up all of the floor space. I'd been stepping on this paper to get from my bed to the door for about a week. I couldn't remember where it came from or why it was there but I assumed it was just more of my poorly written notes. Eventually, I was feeling a little lazy so for my exercise, I bent down and picked it up. It was a list, sloppily written in pencil, obviously by me as I have pathetic left handed handwriting and use pencils. I read it out loud:

"1. Two eyes that work relatively well in unison. No wandering eye otherwise it's one eye on the face, while the other eye looks elsewhere and you keep saying, "Excuse me, I'm up here!"

2. Preferably not homosexual. I'm not ready for that.

3. Somewhat opposed to midgets (think about it) but would consider Ryan Seacrest.

4. Smart enough.

5. Has loving, non-racist Grandma."

The list sounded an awful lot like something I may have compiled during some kind of female bonding class/workshop/sleepover. You know, like, "let's make a list of all the things we look for in a guy" and then talk about Seth Cohen for nine more hours.

BUT then I noticed what it said at the top of the page:

Criteria I'm looking for in Presidential Candidate

Imagine, a month ago, I had the audacity to hope that I was going to vote for a candidate who had a Grandma who loved everybody, no matter what their skin color. It seems that is quite a lot to ask for.

I wonder what other treasures of truth/pieces of paper I've got lying around.

Love,
Jenna

Sometimes I am forced...

...to write papers about Second Life. Then I think about starting a Second Life. Then I realize that I still like my first life, a lot.

Word up to all of my fellow first life lovers! (Not MY lovers but people who also love their first life.)

Second Life is weird. If you have one, I won't judge you but I will ask to see what your avatar looks like. I will also ask which dance club you like the best and attend most often in your second life. Then I will ask you to make your avatar go there when I am present. Then I will make your avatar dance like a monkey. Then we will see how many German transvestite avatars hit on you. Then I will laugh uncomfortably and feel slightly bad about your future social life.

Love,
Jenna

Sometimes...

...I have so much homework that I can't write new blog posts. At least that's my excuse this week. I will have new posts by Friday, I swear...sometimes. But usually I only half-swear and it's usually the last half of the word i.e. "..it!" or "..ck!" or "..mn!" or "...tch!"

Whoops, I got distracted there. Lesson: don't use the phrase "I swear..." Unless you are actually talking about the fact that you curse.

New blog post(s). Soon.

Love,
Jenna

This is a special month...

...full of special days. Did you know that April was so eventful? I didn't.

April 2nd: Hans Christian Andersen's Birthday... (My mom is probably the only person that would appreciate that day.)

April 3rd: Find a Rainbow Day. This day is especially easy for those who live in San Francisco or Chelsea in NYC.

April 5th: National Read a Road Map Day. Who invented this day? And why? And shouldn't it be abolished? GPS...hello???

April 8th: Ponce De Leon Discovered Florida Day. Had he actually discovered the fountain of youth, he'd be 548 years old and probably look something like Bruce Jenner.

April 14th: Iceberg ahead, yadayada, a big boat sinks a few hours later. Then a few years later, annoying teenage girls go and see the movie about that blasted boat and that fake romance and cry and cry and cry.

April 15th: Tax Day. BORING. First McDonald's opened in 1955. EXCITING! Then it turned our country into the McFatties we knew we could be.

April 16th: National Eggs Benedict Day. Yes, of course. We need a day to celebrate poached eggs. Yes. (In my mind, I'm saying this with the most pretentious voice I can think of. Imagine someone named Larry or Denton, who pretends to be from Europe but is actually from Detroit, enjoying a delicious plate of eggs benedict.)

April 19th: Humorous Day. On this day, everything is just humorous. Not funny enough for a laugh, not dumb enough for a chuckle, just humorous enough for you to politely smile and perhaps gently applaud.

April 24th: Pigs-in-a-blanket Day: To celebrate, not only should you eat hot dogs wrapped in pastry but you should also wrap yourself in a blanket and roll around the floor snorting. Would someone please do that, video tape it, post it on youtube and send me the link?

April 26th: Hug a Friend Day: Feel free to hug but please don't hug people who aren't your friends.

April 29th: Zipper Day. On Zipper Day, zippers are optional.

April 30th: National Honesty Day. My favorite day of the year. I don't have to control myself at all. If I don't tell the truth, it's like I'm breaking a law. It's like I'm being unpatriotic. And no, I'm a law abiding, America loving girl. I will tell the truth even if you can't handle it.

The Power of Five...

...keeps love alive!

I want to see the Spice Girls on tour. Here is the intro to their 2008 tour. It's SO POP! Do you know how hard it is to lip sync, dance in high heels, and keep love alive for two hours every night? That kind of sounds like a slogan/mission statement for some kind of escort service. Ewww...

Oh well, I still want to see the Spice Girls on tour.

Sometimes I get depressed because...

...I've never done the impossible. You know, like, I never donated my feet to footless children in Malaysia and then run a marathon in record time for colon cancer survivors (without my feet, of course). If I did, I'd have a book deal AND Oprah and I would be better friends than we are right now. No, I haven't done anything that spectacular.

That's really not a good reason for depression. If I were actually depressed about my lack of Olympic Gold Medals or Nobel Peace Prizes, the fact that I am laying on my couch right now eating Lucky Charms straight from the bag, typing this poorly written blog post would probably send me running off the top of the Tisch Building at NYU.

January, February, and March are the most depressing months of the year. But guess what? It's April now and I'm starting to leave the winter blues behind. I've decided to put away my winter coats even though it's still semi-freezing in NYC. I want you to leave your winter blues at home, locked away with winter coats too SO I've come up with a few reasons why you shouldn't feel so down:

1. Oprah has gained weight lately. She is rich, powerful, and rich. If she can't be thin, don't worry about the few extra pounds you packed on underneath the sweaters you wore all winter.

2. At least you aren't one of the 401 polygamist children from the Yearning for Zion Ranch/Prison in Texas. They don't even know what youtube is!

3. At least you aren't the baby inside that pregnant she-man from Oregon.

4. At least you're not Danny Bonaduce.

5. At least you aren't me, sitting on a couch, eating Lucky Charms.

6. Shai LaBeouf is starring in the next Indiana Jones movie which comes out May 22, 2008. That's less than two months!

7. The Spice Girls are going on tour this year. Seriously. They are.

8. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oHg5SJYRHA0

See, life is good! Enjoy it!


Love,
Jenna

* On a personal note, I found out today that I am graduating from NYU on May 14th as an University Honors Scholar. With honors, baby!

** The two month countdown to my birthday starts today. Get excited! It's going to be a birthday extravaganza. You know why? Because all 22nd birthday's should be extravagant. 21 was cool and all but 22? Now that's where it's at.

Sometimes I watch reality television...

...and sometimes I binge on Sun Chips and sometimes I listen to Enrique Iglesias. We all have weaknesses. Big deal.

But let's not focus on all of mine. Right now, I want to talk about reality television.

I've been watching Bravo all night. I know, I'm so hip. Honestly, I wanted to watch Oprah. So badly. Why? Today was a big day for her shows history. A pregnant man??? BUT I promised a certain someone that I would wait and watch it with him. So here I am watching Jessie Spano host "Step It Up and Dance!", Bravo's latest reality experience for upper middle class white Americans between the ages of 25-39. Wooooo! (FYI, Elizabeth Berkley's face doesn't move much these days.) The best part of this episode of "Step It Up and Dance!" is the fact that they are dancing to the Spice Girls! Oh wait, no, I take that back. The best part of the episode took place in less than 60 seconds when the judges gave the following notes to certain dancers:

Judge: "Be very careful in your performances that even though you dance strongly you don't start dancing like a mean angry man, okay?"

If I had a nickel for every time someone said that to me...

Then seconds later a different judge said this to one of the male dancers:

Judge: "I need you to butch it up a little bit more. I need you to be very strong and masculine. I don't care if you like girls, boys, giraffes, or monkeys, I just need you to man up a little bit more and be a little bit stronger for me."

Dancer: "Did I look like a fag on stage?"

Judge: "A little bit."

Ouch.

Does that say something about gender roles in our society today? Someone should write a paper about it. 1, 2, 3, not it!

Wow, it's such a small trashy TV world. I just changed the channel to VH1 to watch "I Know My Kid's A Star" (because I'm trying to lose braincells) and the movie Showgirls just ended. Elizabeth Berkley is EVERYWHERE!

Anyway, I love television, I REALLY do. But sometimes I wonder...will the world ever run out of crazy people to star on all of these shallow reality shows? Then I forget about that thought and ask myself, will Kristi Lee Cook ever be kicked off of American Idol? Is there some way that I could vote against her? I'd like to be given the opportunity to take votes away from her without voting for anyone else. Now that's making a statement. American Idol should try it. Imagine this:

Ryan Seacrest: Tonight American Idol has set a new record. The person going home is the first contestant to actually lose votes. Kristi Lee Cook, you are leaving us tonight with -2 votes.

Simon: Oh Ryan, blah blah blah. She's forgettable, you're short, and I'm a genius. I'm such a genius, I can pull off man-boobs. I'm such a genius, I make you all look like cruise ship/amusement park/lounge geniuses. I'm such a genius, I dare ask, "Who is dressing you, Irish singer with scary tattoos?"

Then Simon looks directly into the camera.

Simon: Jenna Kim Jones, are you watching? Will you marry me?

A girl can dream, can't she?



In conclusion: reality television is so silly.

Big deal? Whatever. Sometimes I read...

(THE OFFICE, 30 ROCK, UGLY BETTY, MY BOYS, PLEASE, PLEASE COME BACK!)

Please...

...google "pregnant man" and then watch Oprah tomorrow. Is it a joke? I don't know...it might be.

"I'm not pregnant. I'm just fat and I used to be a woman and I wanted to be on Oprah."

WTF.

Have you noticed...

...the ads for "belly punching?"

How many blogs have "belly punching" ads?

I wonder where it leads you if you click on it...

I learn about my body sometimes...

...but only when I'm listening to pop music.

If you listen to Hot 97 or Hitz 100 or whatever the popular radio station is called wherever you live, you may have realized how informative pop music has become. I am learning about all kinds of medical things.

1. In Leona Lewis' new song "Bleeding Love," listeners learn about the sometimes devastating effects of hemophilia, a rare inherited disorder where blood doesn't clot normally so the person continues to bleed. I mean, you already knew that though, right? She won't shut up, I mean, stop singing about it..."Keep bleeding, keep, keep bleeding. I keep bleeding, keep, keep bleeding..."

2. Janet Jackson is back on the scene and looking better than ever. She's not fat anymore! (Honestly, I think I put that more delicately than The Insider ever could.) The first time I heard her new song "Feedback" I thought I heard this, "cause my swag is serious, something heavy like a first day period." Then Chuck, my little brother, the king of song lyrics, convinced me that she said, "cause my swag is serious, something heavy like a first DATE period." Well, I WAS convinced until I listened to the song this morning during my wake up dance routine. So I googled it and let the internet be the judge. According to metrolyrics.com she sings, "cause my swag is serious, something heavy like a first day period." Yeah, she does. Thanks for that lovely simile Janet Jackson's writers. I don't even know what swag means in this context but I'm totally grossed out by it. I listened to the rest of her new album and it turns out she also compares childbirth, hysterectomies, and getting a colonoscopy every 5 years after the age of 50, to a night out in the club. Those are some incredible writers. I've heard rumors that her next album will be dedicated to menopause. That's just what I've heard.

3. Mariah Carey's new song "Touch My Body" reminds women to examine themselves regularly between mammograms. (I'm terrified as to what kind of "google ads" are going to appear now that I've posted that.) It's good to see Mariah involved in such a good cause.

4. Jordin Sparks asks, in my opinion, an obvious, BUT nonetheless crucial question in her newest song, "No Air." She sings, "How am I supposed to breathe with no air?" Duh, Jordin, you can't! Stop polluting the airways with such nonsense. Oh wait, stop polluting? I get it!!!

5. I love Lil Mama. She is SO much smarter than anyone gives her credit for. In her last song, she delighted us with the importance of personal grooming. Girls should care about their looks. My lip gloss has been poppin' ever since. Anyway, in her newest song, "Shawty Get Loose," listeners are reminded to stretch out regularly. If you "get loose" your body and mind will be in harmony with each other. I'm sure she says that somewhere in that song. I'm sure.

Thank you pop music writers and artists. I appreciate what you are doing for society. I look forward to hearing your songs on Grey’s Anatomy when it finally returns.

In the meantime, I hope that Ashlee Simpson comes out with a song that discusses the importance of getting a good nose job.

April Fool's Day is....

both cruel and wonderful. I've been fooled many times...

Flashback--April 1, 1993--Jenna and her siblings sit around the table eating breakfast.

Mom: Kids, I have some sad news.

7 year old Jenna looks up from her plate with a mouthful of pancakes.

Mom: Everyone say goodbye to Jenna. She has to go back to her real parents today.

7 year old Jenna: What?

Mom: Your parents called from Denmark last night and want you back. You better go pack your bags. You will get on the plane tonight.

7 year old Jenna goes to her room and begins packing. She tries not to cry. Mom and siblings laugh in the other room.


7 year old Jenna listening to Ace of Base


JUST KIDDING! That never happened. Pretty good, huh? That's way better than eating a chocolate covered cotton ball which I ate this morning. SICK!

HAPPY APRIL FOOL'S DAY!

Love,
Jenna