Sometimes Earth Day...

...tries to make me feel guilty so...

I went green this week to stop Global Warming because it's the COOL thing to do.

Here's what I did to contribute:

1. Instead of leaving the water on all night like I usually do in order to simulate the sound of a river, I purchased a CD called, "Nothing Like Sleeping to the Sound of Water in Order to Go Green and Stop AIDS" produced by Bono, endorsed by Oprah, and also recommended by the big guy upstairs. And by the big guy upstairs, I mean, Lloyd, the big guy who lives in the apartment above mine.

2. I decided to burn my trash rather than throwing it down the garbage shoot in order to save space at the dump.

3. At my "Go Green or Go Home" party, which was sort of a big deal, like P. Diddy's 4th of July White Party, everyone had to wear green from head to toe and bring their own plates, silverware, and cups. Then we had a big water fight.

4. I put a sign above my toilet that says: "If it's brown, flush it down. If you pee, let it be."

Just looking out for you, Mother Earth, until it's not hip anymore or Oprah tells me to do something else.

I'm going to go hug a tree now.

Love,
Jenna

F.Y.I. I've been thinking that I'd rather heat up this earth as soon as possible. Winter makes me fat, pale and cold. Let's get rid of it.

Sometimes we celebrate...

...birthdays. Today is my little brother's birthday.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY CHUCK!

Thanks for being you. And thanks for telling your friends that my blog is funny and that they should read it or be lame. You've always been so supportive.



Let's eat pie.

Love,
Jenna

Sometimes I ignore pieces of paper...

...that are wadded up on the floor in my room but you see my room is so small that one piece of paper takes up all of the floor space. I'd been stepping on this paper to get from my bed to the door for about a week. I couldn't remember where it came from or why it was there but I assumed it was just more of my poorly written notes. Eventually, I was feeling a little lazy so for my exercise, I bent down and picked it up. It was a list, sloppily written in pencil, obviously by me as I have pathetic left handed handwriting and use pencils. I read it out loud:

"1. Two eyes that work relatively well in unison. No wandering eye otherwise it's one eye on the face, while the other eye looks elsewhere and you keep saying, "Excuse me, I'm up here!"

2. Preferably not homosexual. I'm not ready for that.

3. Somewhat opposed to midgets (think about it) but would consider Ryan Seacrest.

4. Smart enough.

5. Has loving, non-racist Grandma."

The list sounded an awful lot like something I may have compiled during some kind of female bonding class/workshop/sleepover. You know, like, "let's make a list of all the things we look for in a guy" and then talk about Seth Cohen for nine more hours.

BUT then I noticed what it said at the top of the page:

Criteria I'm looking for in Presidential Candidate

Imagine, a month ago, I had the audacity to hope that I was going to vote for a candidate who had a Grandma who loved everybody, no matter what their skin color. It seems that is quite a lot to ask for.

I wonder what other treasures of truth/pieces of paper I've got lying around.

Love,
Jenna

Sometimes I am forced...

...to write papers about Second Life. Then I think about starting a Second Life. Then I realize that I still like my first life, a lot.

Word up to all of my fellow first life lovers! (Not MY lovers but people who also love their first life.)

Second Life is weird. If you have one, I won't judge you but I will ask to see what your avatar looks like. I will also ask which dance club you like the best and attend most often in your second life. Then I will ask you to make your avatar go there when I am present. Then I will make your avatar dance like a monkey. Then we will see how many German transvestite avatars hit on you. Then I will laugh uncomfortably and feel slightly bad about your future social life.

Love,
Jenna

Sometimes...

...I have so much homework that I can't write new blog posts. At least that's my excuse this week. I will have new posts by Friday, I swear...sometimes. But usually I only half-swear and it's usually the last half of the word i.e. "..it!" or "..ck!" or "..mn!" or "...tch!"

Whoops, I got distracted there. Lesson: don't use the phrase "I swear..." Unless you are actually talking about the fact that you curse.

New blog post(s). Soon.

Love,
Jenna

This is a special month...

...full of special days. Did you know that April was so eventful? I didn't.

April 2nd: Hans Christian Andersen's Birthday... (My mom is probably the only person that would appreciate that day.)

April 3rd: Find a Rainbow Day. This day is especially easy for those who live in San Francisco or Chelsea in NYC.

April 5th: National Read a Road Map Day. Who invented this day? And why? And shouldn't it be abolished? GPS...hello???

April 8th: Ponce De Leon Discovered Florida Day. Had he actually discovered the fountain of youth, he'd be 548 years old and probably look something like Bruce Jenner.

April 14th: Iceberg ahead, yadayada, a big boat sinks a few hours later. Then a few years later, annoying teenage girls go and see the movie about that blasted boat and that fake romance and cry and cry and cry.

April 15th: Tax Day. BORING. First McDonald's opened in 1955. EXCITING! Then it turned our country into the McFatties we knew we could be.

April 16th: National Eggs Benedict Day. Yes, of course. We need a day to celebrate poached eggs. Yes. (In my mind, I'm saying this with the most pretentious voice I can think of. Imagine someone named Larry or Denton, who pretends to be from Europe but is actually from Detroit, enjoying a delicious plate of eggs benedict.)

April 19th: Humorous Day. On this day, everything is just humorous. Not funny enough for a laugh, not dumb enough for a chuckle, just humorous enough for you to politely smile and perhaps gently applaud.

April 24th: Pigs-in-a-blanket Day: To celebrate, not only should you eat hot dogs wrapped in pastry but you should also wrap yourself in a blanket and roll around the floor snorting. Would someone please do that, video tape it, post it on youtube and send me the link?

April 26th: Hug a Friend Day: Feel free to hug but please don't hug people who aren't your friends.

April 29th: Zipper Day. On Zipper Day, zippers are optional.

April 30th: National Honesty Day. My favorite day of the year. I don't have to control myself at all. If I don't tell the truth, it's like I'm breaking a law. It's like I'm being unpatriotic. And no, I'm a law abiding, America loving girl. I will tell the truth even if you can't handle it.

The Power of Five...

...keeps love alive!

I want to see the Spice Girls on tour. Here is the intro to their 2008 tour. It's SO POP! Do you know how hard it is to lip sync, dance in high heels, and keep love alive for two hours every night? That kind of sounds like a slogan/mission statement for some kind of escort service. Ewww...

Oh well, I still want to see the Spice Girls on tour.

Sometimes I get depressed because...

...I've never done the impossible. You know, like, I never donated my feet to footless children in Malaysia and then run a marathon in record time for colon cancer survivors (without my feet, of course). If I did, I'd have a book deal AND Oprah and I would be better friends than we are right now. No, I haven't done anything that spectacular.

That's really not a good reason for depression. If I were actually depressed about my lack of Olympic Gold Medals or Nobel Peace Prizes, the fact that I am laying on my couch right now eating Lucky Charms straight from the bag, typing this poorly written blog post would probably send me running off the top of the Tisch Building at NYU.

January, February, and March are the most depressing months of the year. But guess what? It's April now and I'm starting to leave the winter blues behind. I've decided to put away my winter coats even though it's still semi-freezing in NYC. I want you to leave your winter blues at home, locked away with winter coats too SO I've come up with a few reasons why you shouldn't feel so down:

1. Oprah has gained weight lately. She is rich, powerful, and rich. If she can't be thin, don't worry about the few extra pounds you packed on underneath the sweaters you wore all winter.

2. At least you aren't one of the 401 polygamist children from the Yearning for Zion Ranch/Prison in Texas. They don't even know what youtube is!

3. At least you aren't the baby inside that pregnant she-man from Oregon.

4. At least you're not Danny Bonaduce.

5. At least you aren't me, sitting on a couch, eating Lucky Charms.

6. Shai LaBeouf is starring in the next Indiana Jones movie which comes out May 22, 2008. That's less than two months!

7. The Spice Girls are going on tour this year. Seriously. They are.

8. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oHg5SJYRHA0

See, life is good! Enjoy it!


Love,
Jenna

* On a personal note, I found out today that I am graduating from NYU on May 14th as an University Honors Scholar. With honors, baby!

** The two month countdown to my birthday starts today. Get excited! It's going to be a birthday extravaganza. You know why? Because all 22nd birthday's should be extravagant. 21 was cool and all but 22? Now that's where it's at.

Sometimes I watch reality television...

...and sometimes I binge on Sun Chips and sometimes I listen to Enrique Iglesias. We all have weaknesses. Big deal.

But let's not focus on all of mine. Right now, I want to talk about reality television.

I've been watching Bravo all night. I know, I'm so hip. Honestly, I wanted to watch Oprah. So badly. Why? Today was a big day for her shows history. A pregnant man??? BUT I promised a certain someone that I would wait and watch it with him. So here I am watching Jessie Spano host "Step It Up and Dance!", Bravo's latest reality experience for upper middle class white Americans between the ages of 25-39. Wooooo! (FYI, Elizabeth Berkley's face doesn't move much these days.) The best part of this episode of "Step It Up and Dance!" is the fact that they are dancing to the Spice Girls! Oh wait, no, I take that back. The best part of the episode took place in less than 60 seconds when the judges gave the following notes to certain dancers:

Judge: "Be very careful in your performances that even though you dance strongly you don't start dancing like a mean angry man, okay?"

If I had a nickel for every time someone said that to me...

Then seconds later a different judge said this to one of the male dancers:

Judge: "I need you to butch it up a little bit more. I need you to be very strong and masculine. I don't care if you like girls, boys, giraffes, or monkeys, I just need you to man up a little bit more and be a little bit stronger for me."

Dancer: "Did I look like a fag on stage?"

Judge: "A little bit."

Ouch.

Does that say something about gender roles in our society today? Someone should write a paper about it. 1, 2, 3, not it!

Wow, it's such a small trashy TV world. I just changed the channel to VH1 to watch "I Know My Kid's A Star" (because I'm trying to lose braincells) and the movie Showgirls just ended. Elizabeth Berkley is EVERYWHERE!

Anyway, I love television, I REALLY do. But sometimes I wonder...will the world ever run out of crazy people to star on all of these shallow reality shows? Then I forget about that thought and ask myself, will Kristi Lee Cook ever be kicked off of American Idol? Is there some way that I could vote against her? I'd like to be given the opportunity to take votes away from her without voting for anyone else. Now that's making a statement. American Idol should try it. Imagine this:

Ryan Seacrest: Tonight American Idol has set a new record. The person going home is the first contestant to actually lose votes. Kristi Lee Cook, you are leaving us tonight with -2 votes.

Simon: Oh Ryan, blah blah blah. She's forgettable, you're short, and I'm a genius. I'm such a genius, I can pull off man-boobs. I'm such a genius, I make you all look like cruise ship/amusement park/lounge geniuses. I'm such a genius, I dare ask, "Who is dressing you, Irish singer with scary tattoos?"

Then Simon looks directly into the camera.

Simon: Jenna Kim Jones, are you watching? Will you marry me?

A girl can dream, can't she?



In conclusion: reality television is so silly.

Big deal? Whatever. Sometimes I read...

(THE OFFICE, 30 ROCK, UGLY BETTY, MY BOYS, PLEASE, PLEASE COME BACK!)

Please...

...google "pregnant man" and then watch Oprah tomorrow. Is it a joke? I don't know...it might be.

"I'm not pregnant. I'm just fat and I used to be a woman and I wanted to be on Oprah."

WTF.