Tolerance for those who are lactose-challenged..

Last year, my digestive system decided that it hates dairy products. My body rejected dairy. Which isn't a big deal because I've dealt with rejection on many occasions. You think I'm kidding when I say I'm an e-harmony reject? NO, no. There are NO matches out there for me. (I am not compatible with ANYONE on the internet. I will be alone and now, without dairy, forever.)

So when my body said no to dairy, my nights with Mint Chip were over. It was a sad day. (Especially when Mint Chip asked for all of his CD's back.)

Life without dairy isn't easy which is why I wish people were a little more sensitive about it.

I repeat, there is a real lack of compassion towards people like me. When I break the news to friends of mine, I usually get one of these three responses:

Scenario 1:

Friend: How about pizza?

Jenna: I don't eat pizza anymore. I can't eat dairy.

Friend: Ugh, I'd rather DIE than give up dairy.

Scenario 2:

Friend: How about pizza?

Jenna: I don't eat pizza anymore. I can't eat dairy.

Friend: Does it give you diarrhea? That is so gross.

Scenario 3:

Friend: How about pizza?

Jenna: I don't eat pizza anymore. I can't eat dairy.

Friend: So like no ice cream? No cheese? No milk? What about milk chocolate? Or chocolate milk?

Jenna: I hate you.

I'm here to write that there is more to life than dairy products. Like, for example, um, well...

(several hours later)

OK. I'm back. I was having a hard time coming up with anything earlier BUT I did a little thinking, watched a little TV and I'm ready to go.

Being Lactose Intolerant is better than:

1. Switching from a PC to a Mac and losing the ability to "right click"
2. Being an in-the-closet heterosexual stuck on one of Rosie O'Donnell's gay cruises
3. Wet jeans
4. The Today Show (ALL 4 HOURS OF IT)
5. Watching The Today Show in wet jeans on one of Rosie's cruises for the rest of your life.
6. Milk breath

So let's practice a little tolerance for people like me. I mean, I tolerate all kinds of things. The music of Nickelback, the smell of steamed broccoli, stupid people, gay men who love Beyonce. So please, give me a chance. I might not be able to eat pizza with you but I sure as heck will watch you eat pizza. And I won't even talk about the fact that if you eat too much of it, it might make you fat. NO, I won't say it.

Can't we all just be friends?

I thought of something tonight...

Tonight the female American Idol contestants had to share their most embarrassing moments. What if one of them said:

"Last week, I pooped my pants a little during my song."

Now that's REALITY TV.

(I'm so sophisticated. Why do I think of these things? I don't know. They come to me and I can't resist writing them down.)

Love,
Jenna

P.S. I passed my Senior Colloquium today. Graduation, here I come!

Also, I will write a REAL post one of these days, including pictures. I promise!

Just so you know...

Oprah is starting a religion under the guise of an online course.

Watch out.

More details to come.

I learned something while watching the Oscars...

1. According to a television advertisement, a piece of Extra Sugar Free Gum is the new low calorie "snack."

2. Movies like Norbit can be nominated for an academy award. Norbit = Worst 10 minutes of my life.

3. I'm grateful I never saw Enchanted.

4. Strippers can be screenwriters too. BUT remember kids: respect your bodies and stay in school! Now do you think people really liked the way she wrote Juno OR were people just surprised that she actually wrote Juno? Alright, fine, I'm just being catty. Juno was a good movie. I hate the first 30 minutes. Actually Jennifer Garner made the movie for me. She should have been nominated. And...... I'm finished with my Juno speech. (I told you teen pregnancy was ALL the RAGE! When? See my previous post about 2008 predictions.)

5. One should never consume 8 Reese's Peanut Cups shaped like eggs in one sitting.

6. By 11:00 PM, the Oscars should be forced to end OR a leprechaun should come out and do some kind of lively performance OR Britney Spears should make a speech OR Jack Black and the audience should play a rousing game of Heads Up 7 Up OR that girl from Miss Teen USA should be asked a question about immigration (like, such as, the Iraq...) OR Gob should do a magic show OR Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton should have a dance off. Any of these acts would keep me interested.

7. Nicole Kidman shouldn't be allowed to move. Her head is so big, I'm sure it weighs more than the rest of her body, which means that any type of quick movement or even a small amount of speaking could cause her head to snap right off and then who would star in her upcoming 2008 "Untitled Nicole Kidman project?" I'd suggest Kate Winslet. She and Cate Blanchette should star in everything. I wish Amanda Bynes' name was Kate. Hey, can you imagine a movie with Amanda Bynes, Cate and Kate? I can. Now that's comedy my friends.

8. Owen Wilson presented an award. It was awkward as he couldn't read the teleprompter very well AND there wasn't anything funny about him. Why, why, why did they let him present? So we could all be reminded of his pain and suffering? Thanks a lot.

Oh, I'm exhausted and I have REAL homework to do. All this writing has made me hungry. I need a snack. I know! I'll have a piece of gum. Mmmmm, it's so filling. I'm completely satisfied after this piece of gum. And guess what, it's only a 5 calorie snack! All the boys are going to LOVE me now! Mmmmm, sugar free is the BEST! So delicious. I could eat gum ALL the time. If I just snack on gum all day, maybe I could skip meals. That's not an eating disorder, is it?

Sugar free gum = the gateway snack to eating disorders.

If the ipod were a religion, baptize me.

For those of you who know me, you know that I am a BIG, HUGE, for those of you who still think this word is original, "GI-NORMOUS," fan of the Backstreet Boys. They were the only boys who were there for me when I was 12 and even more painfully awkward than I might be right now. Every good BSB ballad is an angst filled tribute to love, usually bad love or love gone wrong, with a key change so intense, so powerful, it rips into your heart like Beaches, Steel Magnolias, Terms of Endearment and (spoiler alert) every other movie that Julia Roberts, or an actress similar to her, dies in. Their songs are more heartfelt than any episode of Extreme Makeover: Home Edition, more emotional than an American Idol farewell montage, and more romantic than a sheepskin rug, the beach at sunset, OR late night runs to McDonalds. With the invention of the ipod, I have been able to carry my BSB collection in my pocket everywhere I go. I wasn't a believer in the ipod when it was invented. I bought my first and only ipod in May of 2005 at NYU's computer store. It was the strangest piece of technology I had ever operated. THEN, after I finally figured out how it worked, something amazing, something beautiful, something only someone with the same love of BSB could understand and I was an ipod believer. It was fall 2005:

Insert dream like music.

Dissolve to: Spring St. right outside the C/E Train exit

I was coming home from a successful interview for a potential internship, this time at the Montel Williams Show, (yes, MONTEL) feeling especially like a hip New Yorker in my new, very professional looking black pea coat. At the moment I was soaring because I was listening to "Incomplete" from my boys' album Never Gone.

(Imagine these lyrics sung by beautiful boys with perfect harmony.)

"I don't wanna drag it on,
but I can't seem to let you go,
I don't wanna make you
face this world aaaaaaaallloooooooooone!"

(Pause...
followed by heartbreaking key change)

"I TRIED
to go on like I never knew you...."

It was during the pause that I looked up and saw Mr. Bloom. Mr. ORLANDO BLOOM! At first glance, I thought, do I know him? Then it hit me like my older sister Ashley used to do when she claimed that everything I did was irritating, including my breathing patterns: I am staring at LEGOLAS. He took another puff of his cigarette and our eyes met. For a good 10 seconds, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, we made eye contact.

The song was blaring, my heart was rushing: Orlando Bloom was staring at me. In my eyes, he probably saw a look of love. In his eyes, I saw, "Don't make a scene, but yes, I love you too..."

After I realized what was happening, I quickly turned my head away and floated down Spring St. I traveled half a block and turned around to look behind. He was still standing there. All alone. After another block, I wanted to go back and profess my love but when I turned around he was out of my view and out of my life forever.

The Backstreet Boys song ended, I continued to walk towards Broadway and my sad existence in the Broome St. Dorms. Not wanting the moment to end, I repeated "Incomplete" and it was clear that my life would be incomplete with out him.

Fade out:

End Scene.

Every time my ipod randomly shuffles onto this immortal song, I cry one tear, in honor of Mr. Bloom. Bless the Backstreet Boys. Bless Mr. Bloom. Bless New York City. Bless my sweet little green ipod mini.

Like I said, if the ipod were a religion, baptize me.

The Ninja Fund

On Saturday night, I went to dinner with my friends (not a joke) at a delicious Italian restaurant in Tribeca called Ivy's Bistro. Mmmm, I ate off of every plate on the table except for Adam's shrimp soup. And it's not because you can't eat soup from a plate either. He ate the soup from a bowl. Regardless, I can't lie, the shrimp soup looked disgusting. I didn't have the heart to tell him that to his face so I waited until now to say it. While I enjoyed some of Adam's lobster ravioli and Sara's meatloaf, we discussed how lame our eating habits are. I think I eat at the same three "restaurants" ALL THE TIME. It gets a little boring but I don't want to waste money on food that might not be yummy and filling all in one. Anyway, during this deep conversation, Adam mentioned a restaurant called Ninja. He claimed that there are legit ninja warriors/waiters, serving authentic Japanese food in an atmosphere similar to a place where ninja's might live(?). As you can imagine, for an experience like this, you have to be willing to pay. I am VERY willing to pay BUT I don't have the money to pay. I'm not a "professional" like the rest of my affluent friends. So I decided to combine my love of eating with my desire for money and badabing-badaboom, I came up with this new money making endeavor to satisfy the hungry ninja within:

Lately, I've been earning cash eating food that you shouldn't eat regularly or ever. SO, I started The Ninja Fund.



I am making my Ninja dreams come true by completing any food related dare in return for a monetary donation.

As of now I have two dares:

1. Donor: Cameron
Donation Amount: $1.00 + cost of food item
Dare: Drink Steven Segal's Asian Experience Energy Drink

2. Donor: Adam
Donation: $2.00 + cost of food item
Dare: Drink any flavor of the Muscle Milk they sell at Jubilee in 2 minutes.


I am taking dares anytime because my fund is completely empty as of 11:05 PM on Monday February 11, 2008.



Also, the fund accepts spare change (Chuck).

Check out Ninja:

www.ninjanewyork.com

Or watch a video on youtube about Ninja:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LZeQNelpUmg

I can't wait to eat at Ninja with my "professional" friends. :)

Love,
Ninja Jenna

I reek geek.

Last night, a very funny comedian made fun of me because I looked especially white. Seemed pretty obvious to me but you know, whatev.

I had to taser myself just now for using the word "whatev."

I think my favorite jokes are about food. Probably because I love food. I'm not a skinny girl but I'm not really fat either. I don't really know where that leaves me. Chunky? Stumpy? Round? Jolly? Uncomfortable? It's so uncomfortable going to a restaurant with girls who are insecure about their weight. They eat like they're afraid of food. Like it's some mysterious substance that they've never seen before. They move it around their plates to make it look like they've eaten as little as possible. Then they get mad at me because I'm not fat and I eat everything on my plate.

I like to eat and I'm proud of it. Probably shouldn't be. Guys might ask me out more often if I didn't always eat off of their plate at dinner. That and generally ordering two meals and dessert is apparently a little over the top. I justify my over eating by drinking diet soda. I'll have four hamburgers, super sized fries (doesn't matter where I eat, I always ask for super size portions. "Half" portions? Yeah, right. "Half" salads? Are you on drugs?) and then I finish everything off with a diet coke.

Last year, I had to stop eating dairy products. I got IBS due to stress. Those of you who know what IBS is...awkward for you! I'm Mormon and the only things Mormons are allowed to do on the weekends is binge on ice cream so my social life kind of went out the window. Ok, so that's not like totally true but we Mormons, we don't drink alcohol (ever), have sex, drink coffee, blah blah blah, the list of don't continues. I don't really know why I'm explaining this because probably 99% of the six people who read this are Mormon. But seriously, Mormons are REALLY good at eating. I'm from Provo, Utah and when Krispy Kreme opened there, the entire city gained 10 pounds. Friday night? Donut run! Over and over again. Have you ever woken up with a glaze donut hangover? I have. The thought makes me shutter. The only way to remedy it is with a large pizza from Papa John’s, which of course, I can’t eat anymore because it hurts my bowels (my mom just cringed at my crudeness), so I gave up on donuts. Now, I just eat a lot of candy or Sunchips. Oh man, I love Sunchips.

Mormons are supposed to live moderate lives. Everything in moderation. But I think they forget that when it comes to food. I kid you not; every Sunday in Mormon households is like Thanksgiving. I could diet all week and still gain 4 pounds at Sunday dinner. I don’t know how moms do it. Sunday is supposed to be the day of rest but it never is with the Sunday feasts they have to prepare. My kids are going to hate me because I am just going to order twice the amount of takeout the night before and then make them eat the leftovers on Sunday, cold. It’s my day of rest so if they want it warm, they can use their energy but I’m resting. I just lost a few more dates with Mormon boys. I actually do like to cook. If I had a boy to impress, I’d be cooking/baking up a storm constantly. I had friends growing up whose moms had those annoying magnets on the fridge that said things like, “the fastest way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.” Besides that being a weird image, I never really liked that saying because I always felt left out. What about me? I like food? Why can’t a guy give me food all the time? Why do guys always suggest that I order a salad on dates? I don’t get it.

I found myself at a hotel bar once with a friend of mine. We were both Mormon so I'm not sure what we were trying to do there. You know, normal girls hang out at hotel bars trying to hook up with guys who are only in town for a night so it didn’t really make any sense why my friend wanted to go. I highly doubt any guy there was interested in being my scrabble partner for the evening. I don't really like meeting guys at bars because they are usually drunk and I'm not. The only reason I like talking to drunk people is because it's the only time in my life when I'm consistently funny. Like if you are drinking and reading this, you probably think I'm way funnier. Also, if you’re drinking and reading this, you are an alcoholic. Get help, buddy. If a drunk person doesn’t think I’m funny, I just punch him or her. Then if people are like, “Hey, why did you punch him or her? I’m like, “He called me fat.” or “She stole by boyfriend.” Those always work. But if I meet some guy at a bar and he's super annoying, all I have to do is tell him that I'm looking for someone to marry me for ETERNITY. That usually does the trick. "Eternity, huh? So you actually meant scrabble when you asked me to be your scrabble partner. Goodbye Jessica." Drunk guys never get my name right which is weird because Jessica is way harder to say than Jenna. I still don’t know why my friend wanted me to go to a hotel bar though. It’s not like bar food actually tastes good. It just tastes better than beer…uh…I think…because I don’t drink…ever.

I know I said I love food but I really don’t like chicken wings which I believe is a pretty standard bar food item. At least they are at the classy bars I've been to. I had some chicken wings at a superbowl party last weekend and honestly, I’m not sure there is anything less attractive than me or anyone for that matter eating a chicken wing. I ate one and I don’t think I ever swallowed any chicken because it all got stuck in my teeth after the first bite. Also, I’m not sure there actually is chicken on chicken wings because it is all very slimy and saucy. So nope, don’t like chicken wings. Not at all. Bar food isn’t really great on the IBS though, as you can imagine. Pretty much everything irritates the bowels at bars.

Anyway, so food. I love it. I love it a lot.

One of my favorite comedians, Jim Gaffigan, does some funny shiz about food. There are a ton of clips of him on youtube. If you want to watch them, go to youtube. I recommend his stuff on hot pockets. It’s amazing!

Have a great day people. I know I will. I’m going to go eat some candy. And maybe a burrito.

I learned something today...

I had a date with myself at Chipotle today.

Anyway, my mom sent this e-mail full of information I didn't know about rats. Here's what it said:

2008: The Year of the Rat

Facts of some interest:

There is a wide variety in size and habitat in the rat family, from small forest dwellers to the 18 inch African field rat.

The most common problem species are the Norway rat, a skilled swimmer, and the climbing Common rat.

A rat’s intelligence and ability to adapt make rats persistent pests, good pets, and useful laboratory animals


Why rats come first on the Chinese zodiac calendar:

High above China long ago, the Sky Emperor invited 12 animals from the world below to his lofty abode. “There are 12 years in our calendar cycle.” He declared, “And I wish to name one year after each of you.”

“And which one of us should come first, my King?” said Rat. “I am smart and can live anywhere; it should be me.” “Why?” said Ox, “I am mighty and strong.”

The emperor decided to let the children of Earth choose. At first, the boys and girls delighted to ride on gentle Ox’s back, and ignored Rat because she was so small. But Rat begged the Emperor to make her as big as Ox for a day, where upon the children jumped up and down in excitement to see such a wondrous sight, and forgot all about Ox.

“You are the winner, Rat,” said the Emperor. “You shall come first.”

Obviously, a Chinese folktale…

Children born in the year of the Rat are clever, ambitious, hard working, and have long, pointy noses.

Funny Videos I've Been Watching Lately

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PPsUmhqncAg

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b9CK37sqoz0

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DFcIH2tK2iM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EkjnvZnTmsw

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_OBlgSz8sSM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FAYWPV3F41Y

(I don't approve of children swearing but this toddler's logic is dead on.)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q9yAkBSrMk0

U r a better man than me... I am NOT a man.

Normally I don't like to blog about my life but my weekend was pretty fun and I have nothing else to talk about so...blah blah blah...

1. A group of large, crazy, drunk New York men called me a beeyotch (but they used the real word) numerous times thanks to my friend Adam and his Boston hat.

2. Several of my Mormon friends threw a football around on Wall St. after the bowl ended. I threw a terrible pass. It looked especially funny because I was in my church clothes. Ha, that makes me sound like a nun.

3. I sang a jingle for Hertz that could potentially be on TV and the song has been in my head ALL weekend.

4. I received a love letter from a guy who lives in Harlem. In the card, there was poem that said:

...the sun didn't beam
as brightly
the moon didn't hang
quite as high
the earth didn't move
under my feet
and the stars didn't glow
in my eyes,
...til there was you

with love,
Harlem

5. I ate an entire bag of Sunchips. And not a small bag. A BIG bag as well as three turkey sandwiches. (I didn't eat all three at the same time but would for a small fee.)

6. I made a cake for the Superbowl party at 2301. Holla! (Genevieve, your new TV is awesome.)



7. I wore control top nylons for a record breaking 12 hours. I lost circulation to my feet after about 4.

8. I saw some of the worst dancing New York has to offer and although I did go to Mormon dance party where I saw and contributed to dancing was so awesomely bad it gave me nerdy chills, this professional dance company was a lot worse. In fact, I think the Mormon dance party would have been much more entertaining for the audience.

9. My mom is trapped at home in Utah due to two feet of fresh snow.

10. I talked on the phone for an unmentionable amount of time with this guy I once knew and now know again who has a super sexy voice.

11. Due to lack of sleep and stress, I may be getting a cold. I went to Duane Reade to buy "cold-eeze," a product that my mom swears by, and water. While there, I heard the song "Bye, Bye, Bye" by 'Nsync and loved every second of it. I still love BSB better but the song made me feel great. I danced down the isles.

12. Although I enjoy many Tom Petty songs, I felt that his performance at the Superbowl was a little boring. I needed some more spark. A little fire! Literally. Fire on stage is always a good idea.

Lastly, I am watching Akeelah and the Bee right now. Oh my gosh, I am going to be a wreck by the end of this movie. I cried after the first spelling bee. Ugh...