Sometimes I hate my bladder...

...especially on a "Megabus" heading towards Boston on a cold and somewhat dreary Friday night.   I shouldn't have had that last Diet Coke.  Awkward.  

Believe it or not, I really am on the bus right now.  Thanks to a little thing called the "Wi-Fi," I can use the internet, check the facebook, shop online at the Nordstrom and work a little on the blogspot.  (Where I come from, we put "the" in front of everything.  Seriously.  No really.  Utahns are notorious for overusing the word "the.")

So what's on my mind right now?  Oh, you mean besides Sunchips?  The facebook.

Recently on the facebook, I've been tagged by several different people in their "25 Random Things About Me" note.  If you are lucky enough to be tagged in one of these notes, you are supposed to compile your own random list about yourself and pass it along to 25 of your friends.  Ha. 25 friends!  That's outrageous.  I don't even know if I have 25 contacts in my cell phone.  Shoot, do I even know 25 people?  

I know what you are thinking and I agree.  Honestly, I don't even want to know 25 random things about myself either.  Instead, I present:

25 Random Things About Me If I Were Michael Phelps:

1.  My mom makes the best pot...roast.

2.  I started swimming after getting cut from the basketball team for getting too fired up.

3.  I traded my gold medals for something green.  

4.  Before my swim meets, I listen to my ipod to get motivated to smoke past my competition.

5.  If I smoked pot, I bet it would be easier to smoke it through my gills  

6.  When I hosted SNL, I was so hig...excited.

7.  Grass brownies are my favorite.

8.  If I could be anything, I'd be a bong.

9.  If I couldn't be a bong, I'd be a hookah.

10.  When I get the munchies, I like to eat Subway Sandwiches*.

11.  I got to know "Buddha" with the Chinese swim team the night before I won my 7th gold medal.  

12.  I would never smoke pot...in a swimming pool.

13.  I hide pot in my speedo (an all natural enhancement).

14.  I want to name my first child Mary Jane if it's a girl and Herb if it's a boy.

15.  The smell of pot and chlorine chokes me up.

16.  Thinking about corn beef and hash makes my mouth water.

17.  I bring the funk to every party.

18.  I light up with my friends around. 

19.  I always take a hit for the team.

20.  Crazy Eddie is my best friend.

21.  I love a good joint.

22.  My body is smokin'.

23.  I own a lot of hemp.

24.  I like to take pictures of me pretending to smoke pot.

25.  Screw it, I like pot a lot.  Sue me.  

*No need to endorse them anymore.  They dropped their sponsorship, dork.

Seeing Michael Phelps smoking pot makes all 18-22 year college boys think they're that much closer to being Olympians.  You're all idiots.

Signing off the Megabus Wi-fi with LOVE,

Jenna

P.S. Curse you Diet Coke and my bladder!  Are we there yet?

Sometimes actors...

...can not be disturbed. And if you, for some reason, need to check the lights on the set and disturb him or her, truly disturbing things WILL happen. He or she might cut you. Or just curse loudly in your face.

I'm sure you've all heard and/or read about Christian Bale's crazy rant on the set of the new Terminator movie. I finally listened to the whole thing today after having co workers reenact the scene at me yesterday and there is something about his anger that made me blush. As I was listening, all I could do was laugh. Laugh and laugh. LOL times 10. LMAO until M A was quite literally O.

It didn't help that he kept switching accents throughout the whole thing.

It still makes me giggle. Maybe I AM disturbed. I shouldn't laugh! I shouldn't! But who gets that angry?

Love,
Jenna

Sometimes America just isn't enough...

...and The Beckham's are leaving us!

Or so they wish. But when David, Posh and Beckham babies came to America, we made sure they signed a contract tighter than Posh's skinniest skinny jeans (I would say Jessica Simpson's skinny jeans but OMG, she's like such a fattie right now! Like, she was wearing like total "mom jeans." Puh-lease, my mom would never ever wear those jeans. Trust me, I know what "mom jeans" are. I'm from Utah: the mother's mecca of mom jeans and Jessica Simpson wasn't wearing them.)

So, David Beckham wants to leave the LA Galaxy and move to Italy to play soccer/football for AC Milan (I think that's right). I'm not sure I'm ready for Posh to leave. If you read my blog, you know why. I have to hang on to every last Spice Girl I can. Remember her one time reality special, Victoria Beckham: Coming to America (That may not be the official title but I'm too tired to google it right now)? It was ridiculously posh or maybe just ridiculous. Speaking of ridiculous...

The Millionaire Matchmaker is coming back to Bravo next week. When she arrived on the Bravo circuit last year, I was fascinated by her business. She's a female pimp. It's incredible. Millionaire men (I've never seen a female client) actually pay her tens of thousands of dollars to find a hot actress for him to date. How does ANYONE have a job like that and actually take themselves seriously??? And how can I break into this business? Oh and I think the matchmaker got some renewed implants for the upcoming season. As if she wasn't frightening/irritating enough, now her boobies are as obnoxious as her personality. Oh Bravo, you try so hard to appear sophisticated but in reality you actually produce a lot of mindless programming. Speaking of mindless...

Have you seen the commercials for hulu.com with Alec Baldwin? They are brilliant so I guess they aren't really mindless at all. Alec is an alien explaining how TV turns your brain to mush so that he and other TV creating aliens can eat them. Their slogan is, "Hulu: An evil plot to destroy the world. Enjoy." Except my sister and brother-in-law live in Thailand and can't access Hulu. So Hulu can't destroy the world...yet.

Maybe you can't watch Hulu in Italy either. Did you hear that Beckham family? Why do you want to live in a place without mindless television (available via hulu.com)? I bet in Italy, people don't even watch TV. I think Italians eat pasta, drink wine and lay around looking fashionable (or so I imagine) all day. Wait a minute, that sounds better than mindless television...hmmm, now I'm confused. Maybe it's the mindless television that keeps us from moving like the Beckham's so desire?

I think Hulu should change their slogan to...

Hulu: an evil plot to destroy your brain so you'll never leave the country. Enjoy!

Don't leave us, David, Victoria and babies. Don't leave us! Oh wait, you can't. Not yet at least. And by the time your contract actually releases you, you'll be so hooked on the Millionaire Matchmaker, you'll want to stay.

Oh how I love television.

Love,

Jenna

Sometimes I want to shout...

...Oh snap!  

I was almost offended today when my friend facebook-ed me to tell me that I was too nice.  

What the?  I'm not too nice! I just want to make clear that I got sass, people.  And, although I'm writing this post mostly because I'm a bit distracted tonight baking cookies with so much love they don't have calories, rescuing small animals, creating rainbows with my smile, saving marriages with song and magically resolving, preemptively, any potential problems in my perfectly happy nice life, I can bring the 'tude when necessary.   

So...

...suck on that, losers.

Oh Snap!  Now I'm going to listen to some unedited rap or something.  Well at least I would, if I had any.  I guess it's back to the High School Musical Soundtrack.  

Not as much LOVE as usual,

Jenna

Sometimes bad news...

...comes in the form of a groundhog's shadow. Who came up with this ridiculous tradition? Paganism? PETA? Germans? And how can we be sure the groundhog knows what he (OR SHE) is actually seeing? And what's with the top hats?


Groundhog lovers and supporters claim that the whole shadow prediction thing is 75%-90% accurate. Real researchers (poor guys) have found that a groundhog has an overall prediction accuracy rate around 39%.

Either way, winter ends in mid March. That means, winter will end sometime in the next six weeks so the groundhog tradition, is what I like to call, silly. I don't get it.

The only good thing that comes from this tradition is the movie (and maybe top hats) and that is a stretch.

But just in case you were wondering or you actually care, Phil, that's Punxsutawney Phil, saw his shadow this morning, so it's official, we have approximately six more weeks of winter. Phew, I'm so glad I know so I can plan accordingly.

Honestly, in my mind, winter is over. I walked to work today with my coat over my arm. It was 41 degrees and sunny. Toasty...

Love,
Jenna

Sometimes I love sporting events...

...just because of the National Anthem.  I love feeling all sentimental and patriotic.  It's been a while since I've felt as patriotic as I did tonight watching Jennifer Hudson sing The Star Spangled Banner.  

Seriously.  I got teary eyed before she started.  She's been through hell this past year.  And well, she's one of the most incredible singers probably ever.  I was so proud of her.  If I were her, I would have walked off that field and cried my eyes out. Then I'd go straight home, put on my pajamas, and eat delicious football watching food with my closest friends.  

She was amazing.  I am in awe.  

So about  the actual game.  Who's playing again?  Just kidding...maybe.

I have commercials, brownies and Bruce Springsteen to look forward to tonight.  I'm afraid all three of those things might be a letdown in the end.  Remember when the Super Bowl Half-time shows were full of super-mega pop stars?  Now the acts are always chilled out old school legends which are fine, I guess.  But I'll never forget, NSYNC, Britney Spears, Nelly, Mary J. Blige and Aerosmith working the stage in 2001.  

Between you and me, I've never forgiven Justin Timberlake and Janet Jackson for her wardrobe "malfunction" back in 2004.   And what's even more annoying is that I didn't even see the controversial moment.  I remember it like it was yesterday.  I was in my kitchen, watching the performance with a bowl of ice cream in my lap (this was well before my dairy issues began).  I looked down to refresh my spoon with another bite of mint chocolate chip and one of my siblings gasped!  I looked up and the moment had passed.  But really, should anyone be surprised about the exposed breast?  Let me rephrase that.  Should any girl between the ages of 12-18 have been surprised?  We should have seen it coming.  They were singing Justin's infamous songs in which he ends saying, "Gonna have you naked by the end of this song."  And you're, no, we're shocked he followed through?  

Anyway, if I see anything interesting tonight, I'll let you know.  But if I never speak of Super Bowl 43 again, you'll know I was disappointed and have chosen to forget it ever happened.  

Love,

Jenna

Sometimes people want...

...second chances.

Once you've been impeached from a government position, are you allowed to run for office again? Like, for example, say you were the governor and then you were impeached for being a total DB, are you banned from running for the position once more? Because I get the feeling that Mr. Blago has the audacity to run over and over again. And by audacity, I mean balls. He is so crazy. You know what's even crazier? Illinoisans, the same Illinoisans who voted for Blago twice and elected the last 4 of 8 corrupt Illinois governors, might just elect him again!

I'll miss him. But mostly, I'll miss the hair. But not as much as I miss the Spice Girls. (You knowI had to throw that in there. I had to. I couldn't resist.)

Love,
Jenna

Sometimes I feel like a newsie...

...so I put on my cap, sing and dance and almost go on strike?

No. I don't. Sing? Yes. Dance? Absolutely. But I'm not the type to strike. But most of France is on strike right now. It's been a rough day for them. And will continue to be as their economy goes down the toilet as well. I read an article today that, instead of fully explaining the strike, talked about how people commuted to work without a fully functioning metro. Apparently rollerblading is a big thing and I imagined hundreds of people rollerblading around Paris. Wouldn't that be awesome? New Yorkers should try it. Of course, that means I would need to learn how to rollerblade but I'm in if you are.

Did you see Blago today? He gave an hilarious closing statement at his impeachment trial. Hilarious meaning ridiculous and arrogant once you realized that the sincerity that he was trying so hard to create was a bunch of bologna. For half a second, I was almost convinced we shouldn't impeach him until he said something like "Walk a mile in my shoes. If this could happen to me, it could happen to you..." Coming from his lips, that phrase sounded especially threatening. Then he continued, "Do you know how painful it is to drive down the street and see people waiting for the bus who voted for me. Well presumably voted for me. More of them did, than didn't and know that I can't help them...I want to apologize but I can't... " Man, he is one crazy son of a...woman with amazing hair. At one point during the speech, he used the word, sensationalization, which I'm not sure is actually a correct form of the word sensational but either way, I've decided to use it as much as possible for the next week. How many times can I throw it into every day conversation? The only problem is every time I say it, I have the urge to whip out my spirit fingers, followed by a little Fosse choreography.

So about this salmonella outbreak. There were 12 reports, I repeat, 12 reports that claimed there was salmonella contamination at this Peanut Butter factory in Georgia and yet the product was still shipped out. The fact that salmonella was present in the factory blows my mind. I mean, there is always a chance of salmonella in raw chicken and eggs. Both Rocky and I put our bowels at risk every time we drink a glass of raw eggs before we go running in the morning but to actually know that there is salmonella contamination in peanut butter and then think, well, maybe people won't notice, is a big big problem. (Yes, Rocky is real and when I say that I drink raw eggs in the morning before I go running, I actually mean, I eat raw eggs in the cookie dough I make and eat in front of the TV. I'm still living on the edge...of salmonella poisoning.)

What is wrong with this world?

Love,

JENNA!!!

P.S. I'm still listening to Kelly Clarkson's new song. Deal.

Sometimes my Backstreet Boys...

...grow up so fast!

Nick Carter turned 29 today on January 29th. Aw, how cute. Honestly, I can't believe he's only 29. Perhaps in another life, I would have had a chance with him after all. He was only seven years older than me this whole time??? (More like six and a half but who's counting...Oh wait, I am.) He's celebrating in Canada. Why? Because ever since his reality television show, House of Carters, revealed the Carter's true colors, he hasn't been able to show his face in the states. And maybe Canadians throw better birthday parties. It's possible. Have you ever celebrated your birthday in Canada? Exactly. So don't rule out the possibility that birthdays are that much better up north.

But I'd just like to say, Nick Carter, Happy Birthday and thank you. Thank you for getting me through some rough and chubby pre teen and teenage years. I used to love you. Now I just have fond memories of our time together. And by our time together, I mean the few years I listened to BSB albums every single night and stared at your poster above my bed.

Did I mention that I miss the Spice Girls?

The boy band/girl band era was good to me. I can't wait to tell my kids about it. And they will be forced to listen.

Love,

Jenna

Sometimes American Idol visits...

...Saaaaalt Laaaaake Citttyyyyy: my home away from home away from home.  That makes sense, I promise.

I just finished watching this week's episode of AI and I'm still taking it all in.  Let's chat for a minute about this episode so I can get some sleep:   

1.  OMG, Utahns are like so gosh darn it all nice!  They were grateful through tears of rejection!  They smiled after hours of waiting in line, wishing, hoping, praying...for a chance to...say something nice on the camera?  Seriously, the producers did everything they could to find some crazy for that episode and it was still the most bland episode, probably ever.  Even the bad singers were decent. 

2.  An Osmond?  Really?  He had to audition?  He really doesn't have any other connections in the music business?  Really?

3.  Utah is a beautiful state full of beautiful people.  Why do you think I had to leave?  In Utah, I'm  a 2 but in New York City I'm at least a 6 or a 7.   But seriously, there are about 9 ugly people in Utah and apparently ALL of them think they are the next American Idol.  Utah, a state with a population of over 2,000,000 people, has less than 10 ugly people.   And you lucky viewers saw them all.   

In the end, I saw some of my old friends, acquaintances, singing nemesis, nemesi, nemesises?  And I thought, wow, I'm so glad that's not me.  

I can't wait to be made fun at work today.  

Thanks American Idol.  And thank you, happy happy Utahns.  

Love,

Jenna

P.S. The girl who sings like Amy Winehouse?  The stay at home mom?  Still confused?  Of course you are.  Because every 22 year old that made it through to Hollywood already had a kid or two.  Well, if you can remember this one, the one I'm talking about, well, she already has music on itunes.  Is that allowed?