Sometimes people think I should run...

...for Blonde. Not because I'm against brunettes. If elected, I could bring peace to a hair rivalry that has lasted altogether too long.

Being an unnaturally unnatural blonde, I've experienced and understand both sides of the hair color issues. I've reached across the aisle in an attempt to unite blondes and brunettes in order to put looks aside and do what is best for all, hair or no hair. I’ve dyed my hair myself for years. I’m an outsider to the hair colorist insiders. To them, I’m a hair maverick, mavericking my way through an unmavericky world.

I’m experienced. I don’t know how many times I have to tell you this but let me repeat myself, I am a very experienced born again blonde maverick.

Trust me.

Why?

1. My roots make me legit.

2. My hair glows = Beacon of light

3. Always able to meet or exceed extremely low expectations.

4. A flip of the hair is more powerful than a “Gosh darn, can I call you Joe?, wink.”

5. I never pal around with red heads.

6. Blonde's are way funner.

Blondes and brunettes, put your differences aside.

Vote.

Love,
Jenna

Sometimes we are all tools...

...in the worst sense of the word.

So what?

Love,
Pink

Sometimes I start hilarious posts...

...and forget to finish them. I wrote some funny stuff about Sarah Palin last Friday morning. Now the jokes are outdated. I've heard several similar to them. So that post is lost forever. Never to be read by my 16 readers.

Sorry boys and women, I'll write faster next time.

Anything anyone not tired of hearing about that I could write about to distract ourselves from the election, the economy and the end of the earth?

No?

Well...

Another big debate tonight. McCain's supposed to kill. Not literally, although he's capable of it. Obama, well, he just has to answer the questions. Who has the low expectations now?

Here are my questions about tonight's big debate:

How many people will get alcohol poisoning from the word "Maverick?"

How many times will I think about how bored I am?

How many times will McCain's heart almost stop?

Answers: countless people, countless thoughts, and countless near death heartbeats.

Love,
Jenna

Sometimes I think that people...

...might start exploding because their vices, their problems, their weaknesses, their inability to make good decisions, their lack of brain, could make them more combustable. (That isn't a word but you totally know what I'm talking about, right?) For example: the more diet coke I drink, the more combustable I become.

"Last week, a 22 year old female spontaneously combusted on 52nd St. The Lucky Burger employee that handed her her final diet coke, suffered severe burns but is in intensive care and although very slowly, is expected to recover as good as new, except for the face deformity. She was found in a puddle of Diet Coke and it appeared she was calcium deficient from years of soda addiction."

"Last night, during the one and only Vice Presidential Debate, Presidential candidate, Senator John McCain literally blew up when running mate Sarah Palin was eaten alive by Senator Joe Biden. The remaining pieces of Palin were recently seen in another interview with Katie Couric where the one and a half women hugged it out. McCain and Palin have since jumped ahead 10 points in the latest Myspace poll because, according to many voters, "Biden was just too mean to Sarah. She did just fine for a Governor from Alaska and he should pick on someone his own size and gender."

Think about it. It could happen. Ok fine, it really couldn't happen.

Love,
Jenna

Sometimes it's so awesome...

...living in a country that is so awesome.

We had the great depression, now we're entering the greatest depression. We have the fattest people, the most au-rtistic kids, role models in rehab, reality TV, corn dogs, Sarah Jessica Parker, Sarah Palin, Sarah Plain and Tall, corn dogs, etc...

What else do we need?

I know that I said this place is awesome but...

Forget the bailout, this is what I really need:

1. The ability to change my facebook status by wiggling my nose.

2. Predictive text that is never wrong.

3. More films starring talking Chihuahua's living in 90210.

Really, Beverly Hills Chihuahua? Really?

What is wrong with people?

So many things, actually. (I've got issues too, don't worry.)

You know what I really need right now?

A big fat Diet Coke, on the rocks.

Love,
Jenna

Sometimes Clay Aiken...

...tried so hard to stay in the closet until the world made fun of him enough, he decided to come out.

Yes, Clay came out and said he was gay. For some that may be a shock. If you are one of those people "in shock," you are probably 65 and a HUGE fan of his. You probably still use the term "gay" meaning happy and you probably have friends with the first name of "Gay" or other various forms of it.

Regardless, irregardless, whatever, I'd just like to say that Clay shouldn't have come out and announced his sexual preference. Now that the mystery is gone, he is going to fall into non-celebrity oblivion. Let me explain: since he is officially gay, we can't really tease him about it anymore. So really, what's the point of talking about him?

Bad move, Clay. I've practically forgotten you already. Or maybe that's what he wants?

Love,
Jenna

Sometimes google...

...does funny things. For example, I'm happy to announce that if you google "Can you eat hot pockets if you are pregnant?" my blog appears as one of the results.

For the person who asked that question, maybe the real question should be, "Should anyone eat hot pockets, ever?"

Think about it.

I can't write hot pocket jokes because they will NEVER compare to Jim Gaffigan's hot pocket jokes, ever.

Oh what the heck...

What seriously, what would happen if you ate a hot pocket when you were pregnant?

Would your baby suffer from childhood obesity at birth?

Would he/she be born drinking a 64 ounce jug of coke and reading the latest issue of National Enquirer?

Would he/she develop a habit of entering gas station convenience stores without shoes?

Would he/she be born with a burnt tongue?

Or...maybe hot pockets are the cure for autism.

Who knows?

Love,
Jenna

Sometimes I get a gob, I mean...

...A JOB!

As of today, I am the newest Production Assistant at The Daily Show with Jon Stewart.

For real.

Love,
Jenna

P.S. Did I mention how excited I am?

Sometimes I'm a hazy shade...

...of ugly.

When I woke up this morning, I looked as though death was imminent. Most likely, I'll be ok, I think. But I don't have health insurance right now so I'm just going on my own self diagnosis which has at times been wrong. Last month I was sure I was dying of a brain infection because all day long, I could only smell rubber. I later discovered that the smell was coming from a the new makeup foundation I was using on my face. I've since stopped using it and the smell is history except for the foundation's residue left behind on my powder. Phew. Brain infections can be rough so I feel like I dodged a bullet this time.

My grey complexion got me thinking: what if didn't have a face?

Then the thought quickly moved to, what if I lost my ability to taste?

(shutter)

Or what if my fingers disappeared and were only little nubbies?

Even worse, what if I COULD taste but my mouth's opening were pea-sized and my nubbies made it impossible to put what little food I could in there anyway so I was forced to drink from a straw all the time and my digestive system works as poorly as it does now which means I still couldn't eat dairy products forcing me to consume dairy free Jamba Juice all the time? (It's just not as good!) And still no milkshakes?

Sometimes living without dairy is like living minus delicious. (I know I've written of this before, but I just feel like it needed to be emphasized again for a moment.)

I wonder if you are wondering why I looked so scary this morning. Well I didn't sleep much last night. I'm fairly sure I had a fever most of the night. (Fairly sure because I can never tell. That whole feeling the face to see if it's warmer than usual trick seems fake to me. Seems just as unreliable as WebMD but WebMD is more fun.) Anyway when I have a fever or a cold or the sun goes down or people are breathing somewhere, I have a hard time sleeping.

Last night I chilled in bed most of the night, wide awake, thinking a lot of crazy thoughts. I tried to take NyQuil which never works and, in fact, does the opposite and leaves my mind racing and my body relaxed. Yes, I still try it occasionally just in case it decides to put me to sleep one day.

So one of my major thoughts was a name change. I think I should be the next famous JK. JK Jones. Or just "JK." Let's imagine what that might be like:

JK a.k.a. Jenna walks down the street, minding her business when she sees a lost dude.

JK: Hey, who are you?

Anonymous and Attractive Boy/Man: Oh I'm new to NYC. And I'm totally lost and totally straight.

JK: Oh, really? How interesting! (JK laughs.) Well, I'm Jenna but you can just call me...JK.

A&A Boy/Man: Wait, I can't call you?

JK: No, no, I mean, my name is JK, you can call me JK.

A&A Boy/Man: So you are just kidding about me calling you?

JK: NO, my name is, ugh, whatever. Stupid acronyms. Text messaging has ruined my life.

End Scene.

So it turns out that changing my name perhaps isn't the best idea after all. Made more sense at 3 AM.

Writing this blog post hasn't made my hazy shade of ugly any better but it has made me grateful that I have fingers instead of nubbies. Maybe some new clothes would help my state of being right now.

Or maybe a new diagnosis on WebMD and some Diet Coke?

Brain infection, please, that's so common. I'm aiming much higher than that.

Symptom checker, here I come. Watch out.

Love,
Jenna

Sometimes I get colds...

...in September.

I hate the September head cold. It's a bad omen for the winter months to come.

Love,
Jenna