Sometimes the President gets crunk...

...with a professor and a cop! How's the hangover, Obama? Did you totally bro it out over some brewskies? You guys going biking next week? Maybe catch a game of bowling down in the basement of the White House? Shoot some hoops? Talk about your wives and their crazy PMS shenanigans? Smoke some weed?

Man, I wish I got to hang out with the president. Ah, racism, bringing people closer to the president one stupid arrest at a time.

It's been a weird race week. Glenn Beck claims Obama is racist. Obama is the middle man between the white cop and the black professor. I just found out I'm actually Korean and Jewish. Wait, that's not true.

Speaking of Jews (Did that sound racist?), last night, while waiting in line at The Shake Shack, a young female was standing in a little huddle with her friends when she said (and I promise she said this, I wrote it down): "I grew up a hippie Christian. For years, I wanted to be a pastor. But now I'm an Atheist Jew."

Whaaa? The world is one confusing place, I guess. Obama's bro-ing it out with two dudes who obviously don't like each other, someone in NYC actually thinks it's possible to be a Christian turned Jew who doesn't believe in God and I had to spend my entire week hearing about it. Thank goodness I'm so normal. I'm a normal joke telling lactose intolerant Mormon who hates feet and wants you to follow me on twitter just so I can have more followers than Larry King's wife. Totally normal.

And that is all I have to say, 4 realz.

Love,
Jenna

P.S. If you are in NYC and want to see me make a fool of myself, come watch me tell jokes tomorrow night, Saturday, August 1st (eek it's August!), 7 PM at Broadway Comedy Club (53rd b/t 8th and 9th afternoon). If I like you, know you and you think I'm funny, we can totally hang out after. If you can't come to my show, follow me on twitter. Do it! http://www.twitter.com/jennakimjones

FINALLY!

I will be buying People Magazine this week.



I love the last line in the cover, "...what is really going on and what they think of each other now." Seeing as Screech the Creep was left out, I can imagine what they think of him.

Love,
Jenna

Mid Week Pop Music Pick Me Up 7/29/2009

They're Back! They're Back! They're Back!



They reunite approximately every two years so they really don't get very far. Don't get me wrong, I'm thrilled every time they return. I'm just not surprised. To all those 13 year old girls out there, what The Jonas Brother mean to you, are exactly what the Backstreet Boys mean to me. I'll always love them.

Whatever, I'm normal.

Love,
Jenna

P.S. Yesterday, I met Spinal Tap. It was awesome! Those guys are hilarious. They appeared on TDS and I was able to speak with the band for a second backstage. What a day! Click here to watch!

Jenna Kim's Fake Rumors 7/27/09

You're Too Ugly For My Ears: "Sarah Palin is only interesting because she's got sex appeal. America has never seen such an attractive female politician. In a few years, she won't be as attractive and we'll stop listening to her. " - some guy on CNN (I'm paraphrasing, of course.) Wait a minute, Americans only listen to attractive political female figures? Condi and Hillary and Madeline are flattered.

Heavily Armed Woman: Madonna has nasty arms. Apparently the rest of America discovered that this week, even though I've been talking about them for what seems like forever. Do you think she is training for something? Like J. Lo in Enough? Is she going after Guy Ritchie? Run, Guy, run! That movie not end well for the man.

Candy is good for you, finally: As you've probably heard, blue M&M's help cure AIDS. Oh wait, I'm sorry, I got that wrong. They can help with back problems? Sure. It's actually the blue dye that helps. So drink up the blue die and your back will feel brand new. Who cares that you'll turn bright blue like Violet in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory? I mean, if you're cool with people asking, "Why so blue?" every four minutes, by all means, go for it. Don't say I didn't warn you.

Do you ever see a person and think they look smelly? That's how I feel about Anne Hathaway. And Matthew McCounaughey. Though we all know he smells because he lives outside, on purpose, and he refuses to wear deodorant. Who else smells? Monique probably smells like carbs. And Janice Dickenson smells like a hot glue gun. I bet Cameron Diaz's feet smell. Miley Cyrus smells annoying. And the Jonas Brothers smell like purity, chastity and fine, I'll stop. Oh I'm so mean today!

My newest nickname at work is Jenna Cakes. Does that make me sound fat?

Love,
Jenna

Sometimes youtube...

...makes a comeback in my life. I haven't spent much time watching videos on youtube, except for Backstreet Boy's newest single, "Straight Through My Heart." OMG, I love them. Anyway, there have been a few videos that have gone "viral" or so they say, that I have enjoyed. I especially liked this one as I am a huge fan of all things literal. Check out this video of "Total Eclipse of the Heart." Whoever created this little gem, replaced the lyrics with a description of what is happening in this video, which if you remember, is super bizarro. I particularly love the part about Ninjas because we all know that I think Ninjas are hilarious and friggin' kool. For realz.



You should see the literal dance moves I came up with for the new boy band V-Factory's single, Love Struck. No really, you should.

Love,
Jenna

Mid Week Pop Music Pick Me Up 7/22/09

Do you love white overalls? Yes, diggity! Then you'll love Blackstreet! I'm bringing them back, baby. And don't worry, if you don't like white overalls, they wear denim overalls too.

I heard this song the other night at dinner and found myself singing just about every line of the song. I didn't know I liked it so much!



Blackstreet is no Backstreet...they're much cooler. The group was formed in 1992 and since broke up, but I heard rumors that last year, they reunited and are working on another album. At least that's what Wikipedia told me.

No diggity doubt this song will be stuck in your head for the rest of the day.

Love,
Jenna

Sometimes Nick Lachey...

...is back on the market! This is my chance, ladies and gentlemen, to woo Nick Lachey into my life. But how? I thought you'd never ask!

First of all, let me just tell you that Jessica Simpson and I have all the right things in common and we all know that Jessica Simpson was his first love. J. Simpson and I are both:

1. "fat"
2. blonde
3. bad luck in the best way, of course
4. confused by "Chicken of the Sea"

Thankfully, I don't pretend to be as stupid as she is--she's a secret genius. Which I guess is just another thing she and I have in common, minus the secret. Everybody knows I'm genius or at least suspects it. It's natural.

So...Nick lives in NYC. I live in NYC. He likes sports. I would love to pretend to love sports. He likes girls. I'm happy he likes girls. Sure, he's 12 years older than me. And I may listen to Disney Channel stars when I'm not listening to his glorious voice but I'm like super duper mature for my age for sure.

We'll probably run into each other at Duane Reade and the rest will be history. Then I'll have to erase this post.

Whatever, I'm normal.

Love,
Jenna

Jenna Kim's Fake Rumors 7/20/09

Obama's Got Talent: NBC bumped Obama's upcoming primetime broadcast for "America's Got Talent" featuring a special appearance from "Britain's Got Talent's" Susan Boyle. In a statement, NBC executives said, "Yeah, about that speech, Mr. President, you're kind of a downer and well, people would rather watch a dog play the nose flute. Plus we're more afraid of saying no to Susan Boyle." That's right, Britain's got opera singers and we've got dog's playing a flute with their nose. I personally think a cat playing the piano is more impressive than both.

That Model is Hilarious: Padma Lakshmi, a model, the host of "Top Chef," and "food expert" according to someone at Bravo, is getting her own sitcom. Her acting credits include a role in Mariah Carey's film, "Glitter" and pretending to eat on "Top Chef." Watch out Tina Fey!

Listen Up: My favorite girl pop group has arrived in the USA! Wonder Girls are now on tour with The Jonas Brothers, my other favorite girl group. They sing in Engrish!

Say What?: I heard that 30 Rock was nominated for 2,222 Emmys. And Jimmy Fallon wasn't nominated for any? Whaaaaa?

Love,
Jenna

The Newest Formerly-known-as-the-Ninja-Fund Dare

Uh oh, I'm at it again! Food dare anyone? I'm looking to earn a little cash.

Formerly-known-as-the-Ninja-Fund Dare: Drink a cup of Fresca my niece washed her ketchup hot dog hands in for $4.00

Formerly-known-as-the-Ninja-Fund Total as of 7/16/09: $4.00

Love,
Jenna

Sometimes New Yorkers...

...take to the streets. Ok, not sometimes, all the time. This city is all about pedestrians. Cars are too much of a pain. Paying for a parking spot costs half as much as it does to rent a place which is still more than what you pay anywhere but NYC, plus car insurance, etc. The transit system is pretty darn reliable. It can take you just about anywhere though I don't particularly love traveling underground. Whatever. That's not the point. The point is, pedestrians are King...or Queen...for you feminists out there. Blah.

New Yorkers know how to walk in NYC. Crossing the street quickly, efficiently and whenever we want is something we take pride in. Tourists completely give themselves away by obeying the crosswalk while the rest of us New Yorkers like to stick it to the little white man and walk when we're not supposed to. We're like deer. We wait until we see the car coming and bolt across the street.

I hate when I actually have to wait to cross the street and I turn and there's a jogger jogging in place next to me. Really? Really rubbin' it in, aren't you? Is it actually helping or are you just saying, "Oh, look at me, I'm healthy. I like to jog. Woooo." Settle down, I get it, you're skinny.

Of course, me and skinny pants are both waiting to cross the street six feet into the road already, forcing the cars to go around us. It's like Frogger in reverse. We go and the cars swerve. My favorite pedestrian move, and we all do this, is when a car is coming and we stick our hand up in the air like we're a friggin' Jedi or Superman or something. As if our hand has the power to put up an impenetrable force field that will stop the cab that is racing to get through the light and we've already decided their time is up and it's our turn to cross. It's a casual hand. Raised just high enough to catch the front bumper of the car before it hits us and high enough to infuriate every driver on the road.

Cars and taxis are one thing. They could hit you. But buses and bikes WILL hit you. Honestly, sometimes I think buses are actually looking for people to run over. And bikes, well, don't underestimate the power of the bike. And the power of a pedestrian who gets hit by a bike. Why? One day, I was sitting in a restaurant, eating, enjoying my meal, minding my own business when I look out the window and see a woman get hit by a bike. She and the cyclist both fell to the ground. The biker immediately got up, hopped back on his bike and tried to leave. The pedestrian jumped up, chased after the bike, caught up, pushed him over, sat on his bike and refused to move until the police and ambulance arrived. Of course, when the ambulance arrived, the woman totally milked it. Please, she wasn't hurt. But come on biker, hit and run? Someones an illegal alien.

As you all know, I'm from Utah. There are no pedestrians where I'm from except for one crazy homeless man that hangs out on various corners around the city. When I was a kid, I assumed everyone on the street was homeless. When I moved to NYC, I thought, man, there are a lot of homeless people here. Of course, I quickly realized that although most people might look a little dirty, rough around the edges and often times smell like BO, that's actually just the New York way of life. It toughens you up and leaves you with a city stank. I've actually been mistaken for a homeless person once. For realz. I already blogged about it so I'll spare you the details again but if you must know, click here. And as for the city stink, I recently visited Utah and when my niece walked in the door of my house, she said, "It smells like Jenna!" The stink is real...or my niece is a vampire.

Oh NYC, I've come to terms with the fact that I am yours and you are mine even though you smell like a homeless butt and I'm probably going leave this world like a squished bug on a windshield.

Love,
Jenna