...the richest, most overconfident, awkward teenage performer of this generation or any generation.
I might be seeing a certain movie tonight starring a certain pop princess. Maybe. If you might want to see this movie too, join me in Times Square at 8:30.
I can't wait...to see you again.
Love,
Jenna
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Sometimes people say the...
...craziest things. No really, people say crazy things. Things they shouldn't say. Ever.
For example:
Hulk Hogan, when speaking of his recent divorce and his wife's much younger lover, said, "You live half a mile from the 20,000-square-foot home you can't go to anymore, you're driving through downtown Clearwater [Florida] and see a 19-year-old boy driving your Escalade, and you know that a 19-year-old boy is sleeping in your bed, with your wife . . . I totally understand OJ. I get it."
Whoops. Oh no, that 19 year old is driving his Escalade??? Ah, shi...he gets your wife and your bed, the least he could do is leave your Escalade alone! Men and cars. So predictable. (I don't even know what that means.) But come on, The Hulk obviuosly meant Orange Juice. Nothing like good ol' OJ to give you the energy to get your through a hard day or divorce. It's not like he used to get all greased up, threaten to crush people and then beat them up for a living. Wrestling is fake. Those muscles probably aren't even real. It's all digital enhancement or a muscle suit or something. He's harmless. But seriously, give him his freakin' Escalade or your head is going to be in a sleeper hold so fast....
When speaking, avoid these: Nazis, school shootings, terrorists, OJ, wearing flip flops in Manhattan (Do you know how filthy that is?), pig crap, your book "The Best Way to Murder and Get Away With It," heighth (if you're around midgets), sight (if you're around blind people), using the word "retarded" (if you're around...nevermind...too far), your gun collection, your love for Rush Limbaugh (if you live in Manhattan), diahrrea and lastly (and this could the most important of them all) your girlfriend's weight.
Gosh, you can't say anything anymore!
Love,
Jenna
For example:
Hulk Hogan, when speaking of his recent divorce and his wife's much younger lover, said, "You live half a mile from the 20,000-square-foot home you can't go to anymore, you're driving through downtown Clearwater [Florida] and see a 19-year-old boy driving your Escalade, and you know that a 19-year-old boy is sleeping in your bed, with your wife . . . I totally understand OJ. I get it."
Whoops. Oh no, that 19 year old is driving his Escalade??? Ah, shi...he gets your wife and your bed, the least he could do is leave your Escalade alone! Men and cars. So predictable. (I don't even know what that means.) But come on, The Hulk obviuosly meant Orange Juice. Nothing like good ol' OJ to give you the energy to get your through a hard day or divorce. It's not like he used to get all greased up, threaten to crush people and then beat them up for a living. Wrestling is fake. Those muscles probably aren't even real. It's all digital enhancement or a muscle suit or something. He's harmless. But seriously, give him his freakin' Escalade or your head is going to be in a sleeper hold so fast....
When speaking, avoid these: Nazis, school shootings, terrorists, OJ, wearing flip flops in Manhattan (Do you know how filthy that is?), pig crap, your book "The Best Way to Murder and Get Away With It," heighth (if you're around midgets), sight (if you're around blind people), using the word "retarded" (if you're around...nevermind...too far), your gun collection, your love for Rush Limbaugh (if you live in Manhattan), diahrrea and lastly (and this could the most important of them all) your girlfriend's weight.
Gosh, you can't say anything anymore!
Love,
Jenna
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Sometimes the Fox and the Cougar...
...come out to play. TV Land's new reality series hosted by Vivica A. Fox, The Cougar, premieres tonight.
For a preview, watch this.
It's gonna be nasty. Like, for real. GROSS!!!
Love,
Jenna
For a preview, watch this.
It's gonna be nasty. Like, for real. GROSS!!!
Love,
Jenna
Sometimes I start blogging from my cell phone...
How is this different than twitter? I get 160 characters, instead of 140. Both allow me to post all kinds of regrettable things. And no spell check. Yikes.
Sometimes Britain's Got Talent...
...and this woman is fantastic (and so are the producers of this show). If you have an extra 7 minutes, get inspired.
Love,
Jenna
Love,
Jenna
Sometimes I laugh out loud...
...LOL!
LOL is probably one of the most, if not the most overused acronyms in the online world.
i<3lol:>
LOLsucks stands up and shouts, "YOU'RE NOT LAUGHING!" The rest of the office types furiously to each other, "What is stuck up her butt! LOL!!!"
Actually, acronyms have transcended the online world and are now saving speakers everywhere seconds everyday.
I'm not immune to using acronyms and catch myself using them quite often. But I like words. I enjoy them in many ways. Reading them, writing them, saying them, not so much spelling them. I've alwayes bien a terribel speler. Thank goodness for spell check.
Everyone gets in word habits that are hard to break. One of the most overused words in the English language? Literally. The word literally literally turns into a filler word used to emphasize something the speaker feels is important.
I literally love you.
What does that mean?
I am literally starving.
Uh, no you're not.
I literally killed him yesterday in a game of scrabble.
You did what? We're playing battleship. I just sunk your submarine. That's a fake gun, right? Why are you looking at me like that!
Remember when people used to say, "Gag me a with a spoon." No? Maybe it was a Utah thing. Either way, it was weird. Let's not bring that phrase back.
Love,
Jenna
LOL is probably one of the most, if not the most overused acronyms in the online world.
i<3lol:>
LOLsucks stands up and shouts, "YOU'RE NOT LAUGHING!" The rest of the office types furiously to each other, "What is stuck up her butt! LOL!!!"
Actually, acronyms have transcended the online world and are now saving speakers everywhere seconds everyday.
I'm not immune to using acronyms and catch myself using them quite often. But I like words. I enjoy them in many ways. Reading them, writing them, saying them, not so much spelling them. I've alwayes bien a terribel speler. Thank goodness for spell check.
Everyone gets in word habits that are hard to break. One of the most overused words in the English language? Literally. The word literally literally turns into a filler word used to emphasize something the speaker feels is important.
I literally love you.
What does that mean?
I am literally starving.
Uh, no you're not.
I literally killed him yesterday in a game of scrabble.
You did what? We're playing battleship. I just sunk your submarine. That's a fake gun, right? Why are you looking at me like that!
Remember when people used to say, "Gag me a with a spoon." No? Maybe it was a Utah thing. Either way, it was weird. Let's not bring that phrase back.
Love,
Jenna
Monday, April 13, 2009
Jenna Kim's Fake Rumors 4/13/09
Arrested: The Easter Bunny was arrested yesterday for indecent exposure. So...that's awkward. If Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton and other Hollywood geniuses aren't required to wear underwear, is the Easter Bunny really required to wear pants?
e-Harmony Is For Lo...han's: When I was rejected from e-Harmony for being what they called, "too complicated," I thought, at least Lindsay Lohan would be rejected too.
Now that Lohan has been accepted, my fate it sealed. I will die alone, with a bag of SunChips in hand, watching reruns of Law & Order, wearing elastic waist pants, surrounded by cats (who may or may not even be mine) and walls plastered with posters of Zac Efron.
Humble Pie: South Park put Kanye West in his place in a recent episode that Kanye claims has humbled him. Kanye had this to say, "Kanye is so sorry that he only thought about himself. Kanye is ready to put the ego aside and just work on making dope music." He was then interrupted by his publicist who whispered something in his ear. The microphone picked up what he whispered back, "I was doing what again? Speaking in 3rd person feels more natural." Kanye turned back to the mic and said, "Kanye, I mean, I will take questions now. Man in the ill fitting suite, go ahead and ask. Excuse me, you, did you just look me in the eyes? Come on, man, I'm trying to change and you are making it difficult for me. I'm the Obama of music. Change? Yes, he, I can!"
The Hook-Up: K-Fed and B. Spears are rumored to be giving their STDs to each other again. They too were accepted on e-Harmony (I may as well give up and get fat) and their personality profiles matched them up. Hey world, accept it. K-Fed and B. Spears will forever gross us out and there is nothing we can do about it.
I'm JK! (high five or punch in the stomach depending on who you are)
Love,
Jenna
e-Harmony Is For Lo...han's: When I was rejected from e-Harmony for being what they called, "too complicated," I thought, at least Lindsay Lohan would be rejected too.
Now that Lohan has been accepted, my fate it sealed. I will die alone, with a bag of SunChips in hand, watching reruns of Law & Order, wearing elastic waist pants, surrounded by cats (who may or may not even be mine) and walls plastered with posters of Zac Efron.
Humble Pie: South Park put Kanye West in his place in a recent episode that Kanye claims has humbled him. Kanye had this to say, "Kanye is so sorry that he only thought about himself. Kanye is ready to put the ego aside and just work on making dope music." He was then interrupted by his publicist who whispered something in his ear. The microphone picked up what he whispered back, "I was doing what again? Speaking in 3rd person feels more natural." Kanye turned back to the mic and said, "Kanye, I mean, I will take questions now. Man in the ill fitting suite, go ahead and ask. Excuse me, you, did you just look me in the eyes? Come on, man, I'm trying to change and you are making it difficult for me. I'm the Obama of music. Change? Yes, he, I can!"
The Hook-Up: K-Fed and B. Spears are rumored to be giving their STDs to each other again. They too were accepted on e-Harmony (I may as well give up and get fat) and their personality profiles matched them up. Hey world, accept it. K-Fed and B. Spears will forever gross us out and there is nothing we can do about it.
I'm JK! (high five or punch in the stomach depending on who you are)
Love,
Jenna
Friday, April 10, 2009
Sometimes it's Easter...
Sometimes it’s Easter…
...and New York City runs out of Cadbury Mini Eggs. I looked everywhere and they were nowhere to be found. Had I known there would be a run on mini eggs, I would have stalked up earlier but I figured I'd be able to buy them at any time. Naive, I know. Good thing Easter is an annual holiday. Phew! Is there a place where I can buy Cadbury Mini Eggs year round? Heaven? Sweden? I wonder what Cadbury Eggs would taste like fried. And wrapped in a donut, dipped in bacon grease, fried again and served with a side of buttermilk syrup. Actually, I think I saw Paula Deen do that just the other day in her Easter special. Mmm...
...and New York City runs out of Cadbury Mini Eggs. I looked everywhere and they were nowhere to be found. Had I known there would be a run on mini eggs, I would have stalked up earlier but I figured I'd be able to buy them at any time. Naive, I know. Good thing Easter is an annual holiday. Phew! Is there a place where I can buy Cadbury Mini Eggs year round? Heaven? Sweden? I wonder what Cadbury Eggs would taste like fried. And wrapped in a donut, dipped in bacon grease, fried again and served with a side of buttermilk syrup. Actually, I think I saw Paula Deen do that just the other day in her Easter special. Mmm...
Besides going to church, watching an illegally burned copy of an ABC Family movie from 2003 on DVD (Thank you Alisa and the guy in London who copied it and ABC Family for making "This Time Around"), calling the NYFD to come find the smell of gas in my apartment (My gas stove top burner pilot light was out resulting in a slow, insignificant leak. My bad! How was I supposed to know they'd bring two trucks and six firefighters?), talking on the phone with a variety of lovelies, watching bits and pieces of two very disturbing TLC health specials ("The Woman with Giant Legs", followed by "The Girl Who Never Grew"), and giving my little brother a giant foam sword in his E. Basket so we could fence safely in our tiny apartment, it was a pretty typical Easter Sunday. I'm ready for sleep.
Hooray for Easter! I hope you all had a chance to think about the reason you actually celebrate the Holiday and I hope the reason deals with something more than the awesome selection of candy and bunnies. I get the candy but what is up with the Easter Bunny?
Love,
Jenna
P.S. Remember the candy, "Circus Peanuts?" If you'll refer to a post from last July, you'll see my attempt at eating 10 Circus Peanuts in two minutes to earn money for The Ninja Fund. I recently saw Circus Peanuts, obviously trying to disguise themselves at delicious Easter Candy, shaped like chicks and bunnies. As if! Circus Peanuts, I would argue, are the most horrifying candies in existence but hey, I wouldn't mind making a little cash so... Just putting it out here. Sometimes I miss the Ninja Fund. Should I bring it back? To learn more about the origins of The Ninja Fund read this. Keep in mind, thanks to a good friend, I made it to Ninja last December. It was a night to remember. So that means, if I decide to bring the fund back, I'm keeping the name but choosing a new restaurant. Any suggestions?
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