...come up with like way awesome ideas because like I don't have time to like celebrate Easter so like, if I could just read the whole story thing like 140 characters at a time on twitter, that would be so totes great. LOL!
That's right peeps, The Wall Street Trinity Church began tweeting the Passion of Christ on Twitter this afternoon.
"The main characters will tweet the Passion play for three hours beginning at noon on Good Friday."
Don't worry, "the feed also can be delivered to mobile devices or e-mail addresses." Phew!!!
Just thought you'd like to know. Now go microwave some peeps.
More posting to come...later...
Love,
Jenna
Friday, April 10, 2009
Thursday, April 9, 2009
Sometimes I think diets are terrible...
...but I may have found THE ONE that will put Jenny Craig to shame. Move over, Marie Osmond. You won't be the only skinny Mormon in town anymore!
Researchers discovered a type of fat, stored in most bodies, that is actually a calorie burning fat. Brown fat "is a tissue whose sole physiological purpose is to expend energy." Now, you may not know this but I have a little extra fat (I dabble in eating) hanging around my...ankles? Yeah, that's where it is. Anyway the point is, I might have a little brown fat in me (which might also explain my love for Ginuwine).
Unfortunately, there is ONE problem with brown fat. In order for it to activate in your body, you have to to be cold. And I'm not talking about Meryl Streep in Devil Wears Prada chilly, I literally mean, COLD. Turn up your air conditioners, open your freezer doors, and shiver until your teeth hurt. Freeze for a prolonged period of time and you'll be burning more calories than Seth Rogan on crack (Have you seen him lately? He claims he's lost weight through exercise and a healthy diet. As if ANYONE has EVER lost weight that way. He MUST be a total crackhead because that is the ONLY way people lose weight in Hollywood. Maybe if I took crack, his movies would be funnier? Does one "take" crack? Is crack like an aspirin?)
I think the discovery of brown fat came at just the right time. The economy stinks and oddly enough, it's still snowing in half the country even though it's April. (It snowed here in NYC for about a half an hour yesterday.)
Turn off your heat, save money AND burn calories. And if you can't turn off your heat, just go to "Frozen-Yoga." It's yoga, in a giant freezer. Sounds awesome.
Love,
Jenna
P.S. Let us never speak of my fat again.
Researchers discovered a type of fat, stored in most bodies, that is actually a calorie burning fat. Brown fat "is a tissue whose sole physiological purpose is to expend energy." Now, you may not know this but I have a little extra fat (I dabble in eating) hanging around my...ankles? Yeah, that's where it is. Anyway the point is, I might have a little brown fat in me (which might also explain my love for Ginuwine).
Unfortunately, there is ONE problem with brown fat. In order for it to activate in your body, you have to to be cold. And I'm not talking about Meryl Streep in Devil Wears Prada chilly, I literally mean, COLD. Turn up your air conditioners, open your freezer doors, and shiver until your teeth hurt. Freeze for a prolonged period of time and you'll be burning more calories than Seth Rogan on crack (Have you seen him lately? He claims he's lost weight through exercise and a healthy diet. As if ANYONE has EVER lost weight that way. He MUST be a total crackhead because that is the ONLY way people lose weight in Hollywood. Maybe if I took crack, his movies would be funnier? Does one "take" crack? Is crack like an aspirin?)
I think the discovery of brown fat came at just the right time. The economy stinks and oddly enough, it's still snowing in half the country even though it's April. (It snowed here in NYC for about a half an hour yesterday.)
Turn off your heat, save money AND burn calories. And if you can't turn off your heat, just go to "Frozen-Yoga." It's yoga, in a giant freezer. Sounds awesome.
Love,
Jenna
P.S. Let us never speak of my fat again.
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Sometimes the blog...
...has a bit of a slow week. Sorry. It's been a busy week and when that happens my poor blog suffers.
What has the world been up to the last few days? Well, Kim Jong Il cried. (What a baby!) Lohan got dumped. (What a loser!) And the Queen of England has been rockin' out to Jay-Z on the sweet new ipod Barack gave her. (What a Diva!) Also, Robin Thicke, R&B singer extraordinaire (Oprah loves his sweet, sweet falsetto), the whitest man to ever sing like a sexy black man since Rick Astley, and son of Growing Pain's Alan Thicke, kissed me on the cheek this afternoon. True stories. All of them. They are totally NOT fake rumors...or are they?
I've promised myself and now I've promised you, dear blogtards, that I will post something "delicious" tomorrow. (I feel like punching myself in the face for typing that.)
Love,
Jenna
P.S. Friends, we're exactly two months away from my birthday. On that day, two months from now, I expect birthday wishes. And maybe some Sunchips? Also, fame and fortune. And a date with Shia LaBeouf. Whatev, I'm easy to please.
Monday, April 6, 2009
Jenna Kim's Fake Rumors 4/6/09
Beauty Report: According to Newsweek, women spend over $450,000 on their appearance over a lifetime. That's it?
Beauty Report 2: Doctors, like a whole bunch of doctors, saved a crocodiles face a few weeks ago. No, I'm not talking about Joan Rivers. I'm talking about Melissa Rivers. Ha. Ok fine, doctors actually rebuilt a crocodiles face after it was smashed in because crocodiles have feelings too. Do you know how hard it would be to attack people with a broken face? Think of what the other crocs would say, how he'd be teased. Puh-lease.
Come Again?: Lohan broke up with her man, I mean, Samantha her boyfriend, I mean her girlfriend,(I am so confused!) again but this time they broke up for realz, maybe. Samantha had the locks changed on the home they share in LA. This was to be their first Passover together. Sigh... Maybe Lindsey found out that Samantha, even though it is hard to believe, is actually a girl and Lohan is actually not a lesbian. Or maybe she is. Life is so fickle!
Tween Time: Miley Cyrus and a whole slew of tween-heartthrobs showed up at the premiere for the Hannah Montana movie. If eye daggers were actually daggers, Taylor Swift so would have been cut.
Beauty Report 2: Doctors, like a whole bunch of doctors, saved a crocodiles face a few weeks ago. No, I'm not talking about Joan Rivers. I'm talking about Melissa Rivers. Ha. Ok fine, doctors actually rebuilt a crocodiles face after it was smashed in because crocodiles have feelings too. Do you know how hard it would be to attack people with a broken face? Think of what the other crocs would say, how he'd be teased. Puh-lease.
Come Again?: Lohan broke up with her man, I mean, Samantha her boyfriend, I mean her girlfriend,(I am so confused!) again but this time they broke up for realz, maybe. Samantha had the locks changed on the home they share in LA. This was to be their first Passover together. Sigh... Maybe Lindsey found out that Samantha, even though it is hard to believe, is actually a girl and Lohan is actually not a lesbian. Or maybe she is. Life is so fickle!
Tween Time: Miley Cyrus and a whole slew of tween-heartthrobs showed up at the premiere for the Hannah Montana movie. If eye daggers were actually daggers, Taylor Swift so would have been cut.
Young Felony Love: When 15 year old Miley was asked if she was in love with her 20 year old boyfriend she said, "Yeah and you know, it's cool." Wow, I always forget how smart she is.
Daddy's Girl: Mr. Miley Cyrus's Dad was quoted saying, "She is just so undeniably 100 percent Miley all the time. She is Miley wherever she goes, even if we're at the house, she's still Miley." Strange you should say that, Billy R., because the whole night at her movie premiere, Miley only responded to the name Hannah.
Just In Case You Didn't Know: Guys, just in case you didn't know, girls love it when you bite your lower lip while dancing. Don't forget to stare.
Daddy's Girl: Mr. Miley Cyrus's Dad was quoted saying, "She is just so undeniably 100 percent Miley all the time. She is Miley wherever she goes, even if we're at the house, she's still Miley." Strange you should say that, Billy R., because the whole night at her movie premiere, Miley only responded to the name Hannah.
Just In Case You Didn't Know: Guys, just in case you didn't know, girls love it when you bite your lower lip while dancing. Don't forget to stare.
Cut Loose: Zac Efron is too cool to star in Footloose. The dork decided not to take the role because he's looking to be a more serious actor. Um, right. Wait, what movie do you have coming out next week? 17 Again? Really? Really, Efron? I want you to think about what you've done and how you've let me and the rest of the world down. Kevin Bacon would be nothing without Footloose! You could be the next generation's Six Degrees of Zac Efron!
I'm JK and I'm an NCAA bracket champion! Suck on that, boyz.
I'm JK and I'm an NCAA bracket champion! Suck on that, boyz.
Love,
Jenna
Friday, April 3, 2009
Sometimes Friday finally comes...
...dude, was this like the longest week ever?
Today's Pick for Person to Punch in the Pucker (and by pucker I mean face...):
The woman who said that Michelle Obama's wardrobe, as she lunched with French President Nicolas Sarkozy's wife Carly Bruni-Sarkozy, would be "the most delicious, sartorial fashion moment that we are all going to be deconstructing for next two or three weeks."
Now I like the First Lady but her fashion choices aren't delicious. Butterfingers are delicious. Sunchips are delicious. Going to a fancy restaurant on someone elses tab, delicious.
How long does it take to deconstruct her fashion? Oh hey, Ryan Seacrest, ask me, ask me!
Ryan Seacrest: What is Michelle Obama wearing today?
Jenna: Uh, well, she's wearing a coat. It's got pockets so she can hold stuff in them. And there are buttons so you can keep it closed just in case there's a chill in the air. And then there's her shoes. They go on her feet.
Ryan: Wow she's got class, she's got a style. Thank you for that stimulating report. Up next? See what Jessica Simpson was caught eating earlier today and watch this monkey give someone the heimlich maneuver. Go grab a twinkie, we'll be right back.
End Scene.
If you want something to do in a few hours, I'll be performing a few jokes, some funny, some not so funny, tonight at 7 at Ochi's Lounge (353 W. 14th St - same location as Comix). No cover charge but there is a one drink minimum (soda counts for all my Mormon friends out there wondering).
Have a GREAT WEEKEND, my lovelies.
Love,
Jenna
Today's Pick for Person to Punch in the Pucker (and by pucker I mean face...):
The woman who said that Michelle Obama's wardrobe, as she lunched with French President Nicolas Sarkozy's wife Carly Bruni-Sarkozy, would be "the most delicious, sartorial fashion moment that we are all going to be deconstructing for next two or three weeks."
Now I like the First Lady but her fashion choices aren't delicious. Butterfingers are delicious. Sunchips are delicious. Going to a fancy restaurant on someone elses tab, delicious.
How long does it take to deconstruct her fashion? Oh hey, Ryan Seacrest, ask me, ask me!
Ryan Seacrest: What is Michelle Obama wearing today?
Jenna: Uh, well, she's wearing a coat. It's got pockets so she can hold stuff in them. And there are buttons so you can keep it closed just in case there's a chill in the air. And then there's her shoes. They go on her feet.
Ryan: Wow she's got class, she's got a style. Thank you for that stimulating report. Up next? See what Jessica Simpson was caught eating earlier today and watch this monkey give someone the heimlich maneuver. Go grab a twinkie, we'll be right back.
End Scene.
If you want something to do in a few hours, I'll be performing a few jokes, some funny, some not so funny, tonight at 7 at Ochi's Lounge (353 W. 14th St - same location as Comix). No cover charge but there is a one drink minimum (soda counts for all my Mormon friends out there wondering).
Have a GREAT WEEKEND, my lovelies.
Love,
Jenna
Thursday, April 2, 2009
Sometimes you gotta suck it up...
...in more ways than one and plunge into your second stand up act unexpectedly and unprepared. That's right, kids, I did my second show last night. It was a semi-disaster but I learned a lot and can't wait to redeem myself in my next attempt...for those of you living in New York City...dates and times coming soon...but don't hold your breath.
In other news, a JetBlue employee decided to take a little cat nap in the cargo bin of a plane and next thing he knew, he woke up in Boston. What a job! I could go for a nap right now. But being the genius I am, I wouldn't get free travel out of it. My experience would be more along these lines: Oh hey, this dumpster looks nice and cozy. Next thing I know, I'm in Staten Island, in which case, when I woke up, I would for sure panic and think, I've died. I've died and gone to hell. I should have never cheated on that stupid calculus exam back in the 10th grade (because that is the ONLY thing I've ever done wrong). Then I would proceed to curse...a lot. When in hell, do as the hellions do, am I right?
Speaking of hell, heaven, whatever, it turns out that the end of the world is happening sooner than you might think. When? On May 28, 2010, you better hold on to your effing hats, my friends. Oh wait, no, I'm sorry, I've got my dates mixed up. That's when the sequel to Sex and the City comes out. I know, it's an easy mistake. They evoke similar emotions in my heart. Distress, anxiety, the urge to vomit. Yes, the end of the world and the idea of watching Sex and the City 2 makes me want to throw up. I've got a weak stomach, alright? I have a history of puking, regurgitating, spewing, etc. That's all I'm saying. That and I hate Sex and the City.
So wanna talk about blowing chunks a little more? (There are a lot of words for ralphing.) A co-worker, this is a true story, recently told me about an experience he had giving someone CPR. Just as they were mouth to mouth, the unconscious man vomited into my co-workers mouth. There is no way I could recover from an experience like that. Someone throws up in my mouth, no tictac, mouthwash, toothpaste could save it. Someone throws up in my mouth, I need a new mouth.
Alright party people, take a nap at work and see where you end up, save the date next May (I know I won't), and lastly, please don't ever barf in someones mouth, even if you are unconscious and having a heart attack. Just don't.
Love,
Jenna
Other words for upchucking courtesy of http://urbandictionary.com (visit with caution):
hurling
tossing cookies
imyukin
yuking
givener
In other news, a JetBlue employee decided to take a little cat nap in the cargo bin of a plane and next thing he knew, he woke up in Boston. What a job! I could go for a nap right now. But being the genius I am, I wouldn't get free travel out of it. My experience would be more along these lines: Oh hey, this dumpster looks nice and cozy. Next thing I know, I'm in Staten Island, in which case, when I woke up, I would for sure panic and think, I've died. I've died and gone to hell. I should have never cheated on that stupid calculus exam back in the 10th grade (because that is the ONLY thing I've ever done wrong). Then I would proceed to curse...a lot. When in hell, do as the hellions do, am I right?
Speaking of hell, heaven, whatever, it turns out that the end of the world is happening sooner than you might think. When? On May 28, 2010, you better hold on to your effing hats, my friends. Oh wait, no, I'm sorry, I've got my dates mixed up. That's when the sequel to Sex and the City comes out. I know, it's an easy mistake. They evoke similar emotions in my heart. Distress, anxiety, the urge to vomit. Yes, the end of the world and the idea of watching Sex and the City 2 makes me want to throw up. I've got a weak stomach, alright? I have a history of puking, regurgitating, spewing, etc. That's all I'm saying. That and I hate Sex and the City.
So wanna talk about blowing chunks a little more? (There are a lot of words for ralphing.) A co-worker, this is a true story, recently told me about an experience he had giving someone CPR. Just as they were mouth to mouth, the unconscious man vomited into my co-workers mouth. There is no way I could recover from an experience like that. Someone throws up in my mouth, no tictac, mouthwash, toothpaste could save it. Someone throws up in my mouth, I need a new mouth.
Alright party people, take a nap at work and see where you end up, save the date next May (I know I won't), and lastly, please don't ever barf in someones mouth, even if you are unconscious and having a heart attack. Just don't.
Love,
Jenna
Other words for upchucking courtesy of http://urbandictionary.com (visit with caution):
hurling
tossing cookies
imyukin
yuking
givener
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
Sometimes facebook manages...
...to ruin even the silliest day of the year. It's April Fool's Day, kids. And if you've logged on to your facebook account today (which you probably have, you're only human) you've seen the barrage of terrifying April Fool's Day "jokes" that people are posting on their status updates.
So far, among my friends, there have been:
4 engagements
2 deaths
1 coming out of the closet
2 dead bodies found
1 suicide attempt
Wow, hilarious jokes. Thanks facebook, for making April 1st creepy.
So...this probably isn't the best day to tell you that I won the lottery, I'm actually Jenna's evil twin Jennita, I shaved Jenna's head and trapped her in a cave in Central Park without any Sunchips and she won't be freed until she promises to join the circus with me. Also, you should know, we are the love children of Sonny and Cher impersonators who live in Miami. Why you should know? If you don't think that's cool, I'll never be good enough for you. Never!
Happy April Fool's Day, you fool!
Love,
Jennita
So far, among my friends, there have been:
4 engagements
2 deaths
1 coming out of the closet
2 dead bodies found
1 suicide attempt
Wow, hilarious jokes. Thanks facebook, for making April 1st creepy.
So...this probably isn't the best day to tell you that I won the lottery, I'm actually Jenna's evil twin Jennita, I shaved Jenna's head and trapped her in a cave in Central Park without any Sunchips and she won't be freed until she promises to join the circus with me. Also, you should know, we are the love children of Sonny and Cher impersonators who live in Miami. Why you should know? If you don't think that's cool, I'll never be good enough for you. Never!
Happy April Fool's Day, you fool!
Love,
Jennita
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Sometimes March ends...
...before I get a chance to say "good riddance!"
I'm sorry if your birthday falls on one of the unfortunate days during this unfortunate month. I wish that made me like March better but uh...
March 21: OPRAH DAY 2! (On this day, everyone must watch The Color Purple, twice.)
I'm sorry if your birthday falls on one of the unfortunate days during this unfortunate month. I wish that made me like March better but uh...
Perhaps I'm being a little dramatic. Perhaps March has something to offer besides depression, drunken debauchery and the dreaded tight jeans dance (You know, the dance one must do to put on his/her jeans when his/her said jeans don't quite fit anymore)? Well, I just googled Holidays in March and I'm almost 100% sure that all of these so-called Holidays are fake which means I'm going to have to make up my own holidays to celebrate next March just to make it a little more worth living through.
March 1st: Prank Call the White House Day (Hey, is Simore there? Simore Butts?)
March 4: Listen to Kelly Clarkson Day (Recommended by most doctors to turn that frown upside down.)
March 8th: Wear Your Snuggie to Work Day (*Warning, you will look like a monk who forgot to button up his robe in the back and people will make lame jokes about it ALL day.)
March 10th: Punch Your Girlfriend in the Face Day (brought to you by Chris Brown and Doublemint Gum)
March 1st: Prank Call the White House Day (Hey, is Simore there? Simore Butts?)
March 4: Listen to Kelly Clarkson Day (Recommended by most doctors to turn that frown upside down.)
March 8th: Wear Your Snuggie to Work Day (*Warning, you will look like a monk who forgot to button up his robe in the back and people will make lame jokes about it ALL day.)
March 10th: Punch Your Girlfriend in the Face Day (brought to you by Chris Brown and Doublemint Gum)
March 13th: National Call In Sick Day (There won't be much work to do, if everyone is "sick.")
March 17: St. Danica Patrick's Day
March 20: OPRAH DAY! (On this day, everyone must give one of their favorite things...to me.)
March 21: OPRAH DAY 2! (On this day, everyone must watch The Color Purple, twice.)
March 25: Don't Lose Hope, This Month Is Almost Over Day (On this day, do whatever you can to survive. In my case, I would probably eat an entire large bag of Sunchips.)
March 28: Move Back in with Your Parents Day (Let's face it, the economy isn't looking any better so this scenario seems more likely with every fired GM CEO, drop in the DOW, oh and not to mention the ongoing "Overseas Contingency Operation." Why not make a day out of uhauling it home? While you're there, pull out your old year books and reminisce about your skinnier days. Read old journal entries about the scank you saw kissing your boyfriend after 5th period in the 9th grade. What a wh*re. He was just standing there and she kissed him. Poor guy. AND of course, you have to listen to a mixed tape or two. If anyone knew how to compile the perfect combination of songs to express your innermost teenage angst, it was definitely you.)
March 31st: April Eve (Put your winter clothes away* and do the ancient Mayan dance of Spring.)
*Unless of course, winter has decided not to leave which is the case for most of the Midwest right now.
Wow, I think I made March more depressing. Until next year, forget about your winter blues. Before we know it, I'll be complaining about the heat! I can't wait!
Love,
Jenna
Monday, March 30, 2009
Jenna Kim's Fake Rumors 3/29/09
BABY WARS: Madonna is rumored to be adopting another child from Malawi. Octo-Mom heard Madonna's big news and is looking for a Malawian sperm donor. She will not be out done!
A PERSONAL BAILOUT: After being "forced" to step down yesterday, GM's CEO was seen in his pajamas, laying on a hammock in his backyard drinking a big gulp, smiling as he yelled, "This is the friggin' life. Thanks Obama!"
WEATHER ALERT: Winter has decided not to end, permanently.
NON-BAILOUT PORK: Cafe Rio is opening in New York City near Bleecker and Broadway. Tell all of your friends! (If you don't know Cafe Rio, it's because you aren't from Utah. Sorry?)
BUSTED: VP Joe Biden's daughter, Ashley, might have been caught on tape snorting cocaine...or smarties. It was probably smarties. Snorting the delicious candy is all the rage right now. Either way, dang girl, you totally pulled a Phelps!
SMELLY MISTAKES: North Korea left their "test" rocket in the fridge next to the kimchi. No need to worry anymore, we'll be able to smell it coming from miles away.
That's it for this week. I'm JK...Peace out, blogtards!
Love,
Jenna
A PERSONAL BAILOUT: After being "forced" to step down yesterday, GM's CEO was seen in his pajamas, laying on a hammock in his backyard drinking a big gulp, smiling as he yelled, "This is the friggin' life. Thanks Obama!"
WEATHER ALERT: Winter has decided not to end, permanently.
NON-BAILOUT PORK: Cafe Rio is opening in New York City near Bleecker and Broadway. Tell all of your friends! (If you don't know Cafe Rio, it's because you aren't from Utah. Sorry?)
BUSTED: VP Joe Biden's daughter, Ashley, might have been caught on tape snorting cocaine...or smarties. It was probably smarties. Snorting the delicious candy is all the rage right now. Either way, dang girl, you totally pulled a Phelps!
SMELLY MISTAKES: North Korea left their "test" rocket in the fridge next to the kimchi. No need to worry anymore, we'll be able to smell it coming from miles away.
That's it for this week. I'm JK...Peace out, blogtards!
Love,
Jenna
Sometimes TV people come up...
...the best ideas. This one is delicious!
Fox ordered a new reality program called, "More To Love." No need to panic, Mormons, this show is not about a polygamist looking for his newest wife. This is a new reality dating show similar to The Bachelor but instead of using pretty people as the contestants, the show will focus on pairing people with a little more lovin' on their bones, if you know what I mean. Fox reps said, "It's a dating show for the rest of us." Excuse me, Fox, did you just call me fat? For the rest of us? Oh, you mean, for the rest of us who butter our poptarts, deep fry our vegetables and freeze mayonnaise to make mayo popsicles. Mmmm, they are especially refreshing on a hot summer day. If that's what you meant, then you are right, this show is definitely for me! Get excited! Fox is going to find us fatties someone to love besides the Pillsbury Doughboy. I can't wait!
Love,
Jenna
Fox ordered a new reality program called, "More To Love." No need to panic, Mormons, this show is not about a polygamist looking for his newest wife. This is a new reality dating show similar to The Bachelor but instead of using pretty people as the contestants, the show will focus on pairing people with a little more lovin' on their bones, if you know what I mean. Fox reps said, "It's a dating show for the rest of us." Excuse me, Fox, did you just call me fat? For the rest of us? Oh, you mean, for the rest of us who butter our poptarts, deep fry our vegetables and freeze mayonnaise to make mayo popsicles. Mmmm, they are especially refreshing on a hot summer day. If that's what you meant, then you are right, this show is definitely for me! Get excited! Fox is going to find us fatties someone to love besides the Pillsbury Doughboy. I can't wait!
Love,
Jenna
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