Sometimes you gotta suck it up...

...in more ways than one and plunge into your second stand up act unexpectedly and unprepared. That's right, kids, I did my second show last night. It was a semi-disaster but I learned a lot and can't wait to redeem myself in my next attempt...for those of you living in New York City...dates and times coming soon...but don't hold your breath.

In other news, a JetBlue employee decided to take a little cat nap in the cargo bin of a plane and next thing he knew, he woke up in Boston. What a job! I could go for a nap right now. But being the genius I am, I wouldn't get free travel out of it. My experience would be more along these lines: Oh hey, this dumpster looks nice and cozy. Next thing I know, I'm in Staten Island, in which case, when I woke up, I would for sure panic and think, I've died. I've died and gone to hell. I should have never cheated on that stupid calculus exam back in the 10th grade (because that is the ONLY thing I've ever done wrong). Then I would proceed to curse...a lot. When in hell, do as the hellions do, am I right?

Speaking of hell, heaven, whatever, it turns out that the end of the world is happening sooner than you might think. When? On May 28, 2010, you better hold on to your effing hats, my friends. Oh wait, no, I'm sorry, I've got my dates mixed up. That's when the sequel to Sex and the City comes out. I know, it's an easy mistake. They evoke similar emotions in my heart. Distress, anxiety, the urge to vomit. Yes, the end of the world and the idea of watching Sex and the City 2 makes me want to throw up. I've got a weak stomach, alright? I have a history of puking, regurgitating, spewing, etc. That's all I'm saying. That and I hate Sex and the City.

So wanna talk about blowing chunks a little more? (There are a lot of words for ralphing.) A co-worker, this is a true story, recently told me about an experience he had giving someone CPR. Just as they were mouth to mouth, the unconscious man vomited into my co-workers mouth. There is no way I could recover from an experience like that. Someone throws up in my mouth, no tictac, mouthwash, toothpaste could save it. Someone throws up in my mouth, I need a new mouth.

Alright party people, take a nap at work and see where you end up, save the date next May (I know I won't), and lastly, please don't ever barf in someones mouth, even if you are unconscious and having a heart attack. Just don't.

Love,
Jenna

Other words for upchucking courtesy of http://urbandictionary.com (visit with caution):
hurling
tossing cookies
imyukin
yuking
givener

Sometimes facebook manages...

...to ruin even the silliest day of the year. It's April Fool's Day, kids. And if you've logged on to your facebook account today (which you probably have, you're only human) you've seen the barrage of terrifying April Fool's Day "jokes" that people are posting on their status updates.

So far, among my friends, there have been:

4 engagements
2 deaths
1 coming out of the closet
2 dead bodies found
1 suicide attempt

Wow, hilarious jokes. Thanks facebook, for making April 1st creepy.

So...this probably isn't the best day to tell you that I won the lottery, I'm actually Jenna's evil twin Jennita, I shaved Jenna's head and trapped her in a cave in Central Park without any Sunchips and she won't be freed until she promises to join the circus with me. Also, you should know, we are the love children of Sonny and Cher impersonators who live in Miami. Why you should know? If you don't think that's cool, I'll never be good enough for you. Never!

Happy April Fool's Day, you fool!

Love,
Jennita

Sometimes March ends...

...before I get a chance to say "good riddance!"

I'm sorry if your birthday falls on one of the unfortunate days during this unfortunate month. I wish that made me like March better but uh...

Perhaps I'm being a little dramatic. Perhaps March has something to offer besides depression, drunken debauchery and the dreaded tight jeans dance (You know, the dance one must do to put on his/her jeans when his/her said jeans don't quite fit anymore)? Well, I just googled Holidays in March and I'm almost 100% sure that all of these so-called Holidays are fake which means I'm going to have to make up my own holidays to celebrate next March just to make it a little more worth living through.

March 1st: Prank Call the White House Day (Hey, is Simore there? Simore Butts?)

March 4: Listen to Kelly Clarkson Day (Recommended by most doctors to turn that frown upside down.)

March 8th: Wear Your Snuggie to Work Day (*Warning, you will look like a monk who forgot to button up his robe in the back and people will make lame jokes about it ALL day.)

March 10th: Punch Your Girlfriend in the Face Day (brought to you by Chris Brown and Doublemint Gum)

March 13th: National Call In Sick Day (There won't be much work to do, if everyone is "sick.")

March 17: St. Danica Patrick's Day

March 20: OPRAH DAY! (On this day, everyone must give one of their favorite things...to me.)

March 21: OPRAH DAY 2! (On this day, everyone must watch The Color Purple, twice.)

March 25: Don't Lose Hope, This Month Is Almost Over Day (On this day, do whatever you can to survive. In my case, I would probably eat an entire large bag of Sunchips.)

March 28: Move Back in with Your Parents Day (Let's face it, the economy isn't looking any better so this scenario seems more likely with every fired GM CEO, drop in the DOW, oh and not to mention the ongoing "Overseas Contingency Operation." Why not make a day out of uhauling it home? While you're there, pull out your old year books and reminisce about your skinnier days. Read old journal entries about the scank you saw kissing your boyfriend after 5th period in the 9th grade. What a wh*re. He was just standing there and she kissed him. Poor guy. AND of course, you have to listen to a mixed tape or two. If anyone knew how to compile the perfect combination of songs to express your innermost teenage angst, it was definitely you.)

March 31st: April Eve (Put your winter clothes away* and do the ancient Mayan dance of Spring.)

*Unless of course, winter has decided not to leave which is the case for most of the Midwest right now.

Wow, I think I made March more depressing. Until next year, forget about your winter blues. Before we know it, I'll be complaining about the heat! I can't wait!

Love,

Jenna

Jenna Kim's Fake Rumors 3/29/09

BABY WARS: Madonna is rumored to be adopting another child from Malawi. Octo-Mom heard Madonna's big news and is looking for a Malawian sperm donor. She will not be out done!

A PERSONAL BAILOUT: After being "forced" to step down yesterday, GM's CEO was seen in his pajamas, laying on a hammock in his backyard drinking a big gulp, smiling as he yelled, "This is the friggin' life. Thanks Obama!"

WEATHER ALERT: Winter has decided not to end, permanently.

NON-BAILOUT PORK: Cafe Rio is opening in New York City near Bleecker and Broadway. Tell all of your friends! (If you don't know Cafe Rio, it's because you aren't from Utah. Sorry?)

BUSTED: VP Joe Biden's daughter, Ashley, might have been caught on tape snorting cocaine...or smarties. It was probably smarties. Snorting the delicious candy is all the rage right now. Either way, dang girl, you totally pulled a Phelps!

SMELLY MISTAKES: North Korea left their "test" rocket in the fridge next to the kimchi. No need to worry anymore, we'll be able to smell it coming from miles away.

That's it for this week. I'm JK...Peace out, blogtards!

Love,
Jenna

Sometimes TV people come up...

...the best ideas. This one is delicious!

Fox ordered a new reality program called, "More To Love." No need to panic, Mormons, this show is not about a polygamist looking for his newest wife. This is a new reality dating show similar to The Bachelor but instead of using pretty people as the contestants, the show will focus on pairing people with a little more lovin' on their bones, if you know what I mean. Fox reps said, "It's a dating show for the rest of us." Excuse me, Fox, did you just call me fat? For the rest of us? Oh, you mean, for the rest of us who butter our poptarts, deep fry our vegetables and freeze mayonnaise to make mayo popsicles. Mmmm, they are especially refreshing on a hot summer day. If that's what you meant, then you are right, this show is definitely for me! Get excited! Fox is going to find us fatties someone to love besides the Pillsbury Doughboy. I can't wait!

Love,
Jenna

Sometimes bloggers outgrow...

...the blogspot.  It took me several hourz due to my lack of technological skillz but I'm happy, no, thrilled to announce that the blogspot no longer existz in my URL (That's what it's called right?).  Don't worry, if you type in jennakimjones.blogspot.com, you will still be directed to the new and improved jennakimjones.com where you can read and reread my postz.  You love them, you know you do.  You might love them more than you secretly love McDonald's french fries, watching TV in your underwear or drinking straight from the milk carton.  Oh my, you are a slob!  It's ok, my blog is kind of a slob too.  Duh, that's why you love it.  Didn't I make that abundantly clear already?  

Welcome to www.jennakimjones.com.  Peace out, nerds.

Love,

Jenna

Sometimes I like to complain...

...so buckle up, here I go!

If you don't live in NYC, you don't know that all of the fast food and take out restaurants here have their calorie count right there on the menu, staring you in the face.  I know how many calories are in everything at McDonald's, Wendy's, Chipotle, Hale & Hearty, etc.  I can't avoid knowing because right next to the price is a number sometimes good, sometimes bad, but always there telling me what kind of consequence eating that food item will have on my hips.  I wish that the calorie count would stop me from eating certain foods.  At first, it did.  New York City's plan to skinnify all of us played it's tricky mind games on me.  I couldn't eat out at the only restaurants I could afford.  Everywhere I went, I was haunted by calories.  Then, after a while, I got over it.  So now, I just eat whatever I want as usual but instead of unknowingly enjoying the food I'm eating, I have to rationalize every bite I take.  

At least I drink diet soda.

Hey, she's eating it.

I totally walked here.  

I won't eat later, I swear.

I dried my jeans today and I didn't have to do a dance to squeeze into them, no one deserves this more than me!

Guys like curves, right?

What else do I want to complain about?  Why not keep it food related, shall we?  Why do people always try to convince me that salmon isn't fishy?  Salmon is a fish.  Fish is fishy by name.  How do you describe the taste of salt?  Salty.  How do you describe the taste of fish?  Fishy.  What is salmon again?  Oh yeah, a fish. Put lemon on it?  Still fishy.  Mr. Yoshida can't save it from what it is: fishy!  Fine, maybe you like fishy, sometimes, when you can't taste it.  But why do I have to pretend it isn't fishy?  There are all kinds of things, like fish, that people pretend to like.  We all do it.  For example, crocs, jazz music, old people, guys who play their guitar for you on a first date, single men over 50, Keanu Reeves in anything but the Matrix.  The list goes on and on.  Why do we pretend to like things we don't care for?  Because we're kind of  stupid, but in like a totally like good way, for sure.  This kind of reminds me of people who say they hate The Hills but watch is EVERY week like it's their new personal religion.  If you hate it, don't watch it.  Word.  

Ok, I'm finished.  And kinda hungry.  Au revoir, lovers.  Back to vacation!

Love,

Jenna

Sometimes American Idol...

...goes to Motown.  Tonight the contestants had a chance to perform Motown's greatest hits with guidance from the great Smoky Robinson.  Are his eyes really that green?  

So what happened tonight?  Here is a play-by-play of my thoughts as the show went down.  It's kind of like my version of twitter if I were a twit.  Thanks to Janae, my super hot mom, for unwillingly giving her thoughts as well.  If you didn't watch AI last night and aren't following the show at all, this post will make no sense.  

1. Paula looks nice because she is sporting her own hair and only her own hair.

2. Looks like Scott dressed himself tonight.  

3. Why does Megan look like the girl who hangs out at 7/11 ALL THE TIME.  Boo Megan Joy. Could she sing not-flat, for once?  To quote Janae, "Oh gosh, she's awful.  Oh why is she shouting?  Oh my, wow, she's awful.  It's bad, so bad."  

4. Whooptie-woop, it's Anoop!

5. These backup singers got back.

6. Ain't too proud to beg for you to stop singing!

7. Janae: "Yeah [Paula], she's right.  You stunk!  You stunk, Michael!  You weren't even close!"

8. Janae: "I think I'm pretty cute,  I guess. Stop quoting me on your blog!"

9. Wait a minute, is Lil' kind of flubbing it?  I'm not loving this like I thought I might.  Maybe it's her dress.  Or maybe she's sick?  Not a good night to screw up.  

10. Janae:  "If I were sitting right in back of Paula I would scream, "Down in front!"  

11. Janae: "I think Lil's hair is on crooked."  

12. Ew, Adam.  He's like a lame high school goth who wants to be cool.  Barf.  

13. Janae liked Adam tonight.  I feel betrayed.  He was ok. 

14. Whoa Not-Paula, learn to count.  6 words?  "One of the best performances of the night."  More like 8 words, duh.

15. It was Ryan Seacrest, in the Orchestra, with the trumpet.  

16. Danny is a freakin' star on stage.

17. Simon is my hero. Nice moustache, Paula.

OMG, American Idol is way too long.  Back to vacation (I'm not working this week which is why my blog is lacking...bad excuse but boy am I enjoying a little relaxation).

Love,

Jenna

Jenna Kim's Fake Rumors 3/23/09

Bike-off:  Matt Lauer was in a bike accident recently.  So was Lance Armstrong.  Here's what happened:  Lance was talking smack about Lauer so Lauer spread rumors about Lance's shirtless friendship with McConaughey.  OMG, Lance was totally ticked off SO he challenged Lauer to a bike off.  Knowing his chances of winning were slim to none, Lauer sabotaged Lance's course.  As Lance spun out of control, Lauer turned back to watch and ran into a tree.  His bad!  

Cupid Strikes Again:  Suri Cruise is dating Romeo Beckham.  It's crazy.  These two years olds have SO much in common.  They both like to play and eat snacks and draw pictures and oh my, you should see the two of them on the swings!  So adorable.  I hope Shiloh won't  be too jealous.  Maybe someone should set her up with Gwen Stefani's little boy, Kingston.  Although, I heard she's not really into dating blondes.  

Stupid Economy: Last weekend, the entire cast of Gossip Girl was caught shopping at Filene's Basement.  

Fashion 101:  Overalls are back in style.  Go digging in your storage boxes and bring them back out!  

Hey Hollywood: Apparently scientists have discovered new planets outside of our solar system that are similar to our own lovely earth.  They think there is a possibility of human life on these planets.  Maybe in an attempt to bring the world closer together, Earth should invade.  It could really united our countries!  Ok maybe that is a terrible idea.  Maybe Hollywood should just make a movie about it.  There are a million movies about Earth being invaded so why can't we be  the invaders?  Tom Cruise could star in it.  It could be the sequel to War of the Worlds.  The preview could go a little something like this:  Hello Wannabe Earth, meet Earth's friends, Iran and her other little friend, North Korea.  You do NOT want to mess with this axis of awesome.  Earth rules!  

Don't forget, I'm JK and you smell.  Peace out, nerds!

Love,

Jenna

Sometimes...

...I take a little break.  

Sorry I haven't posted much in the last five days.  I've been very busy with very exciting things.  

But I don't want to leave you hanging so expect this week's edition of Jenna Kim's Fake Rumors by the end of the day!  Until then, go eat something.  

Love,

Jenna