Sometimes five isn't...

...enough. In fact, it's quite pathetic. I only have five followers which means I need you to...

...FOLLOW MY BLOG! You can do so by clicking the "Follow" button on the right hand side of the page. Come on, guys.

Please?

Love,
Jenna

P.S. Tessa Witt is my homegirl! Thanks for following!

Sometimes facebook thinks...

...he's so original. Well guess what, facebook? You so aren't! Yeah! So there! (I just decided facebook was male. I don't know how I feel about that.)

Facebookers are going crazy over "notes" these days. I've mentioned them before in my "25 things about me if I were Michael Phelps" post but since then, it's only grown more and more out of control. Don't people realize, these so called "notes" are just irritating chain mail or forwarded e-mails from the late 90's and early 00's? We've heard all of these stupid ideas and answers before! But instead of e-mailing them to each other, we post these messages on our facebook profiles for everyone to see and waste their time reading. So here I am wasting your time further by doing a little note of my own (Yep, I'm a sellout...sort of...keep reading) based on something I saw on facebook this morning but instead of using my facebook friends, I'm going to use 10 of the people I mentioned in my previous post. The questions on this blog came straight from facebook. Oh yeah...

1. Chris Brown
2. Michael Phelps
3. Chris Matthews
4. Rick Sanchez
5. Hugh Jackman
6. Beyonce
7. Tyler Perry
8. Jessica Simpson
9. Simon Cowell
10. Paula Abdul

Have you ever kissed #7?
Has any female ever kissed Tyler Perry?

What is the best memory you have of #9?

When is the next time you're going to see #4?
3 PM on CNN. He follows me on Twitter. He makes me sick.

Is #8 pretty?
She would be if she wasn't so fat.

What was your first impression of #10?
She may seem really nice on Idol...

...but she will cut you. (Would someone please let her go to the bathroom?)

How did you meet #3?
Well he won't remember me but it went something like this:

Jenna: Hi Chris Matthews, meet my fist.
(Jenna punches Chris Matthews)

*I don't "hate" Chris Matthews but the sound of his voice makes me very tense.
Why must he yell ALL THE TIME?

Have you ever been inside #1's house?
Yes but I made sure I wore a helmet.

Have you ever been in trouble with #2?
Who do you think took this picture?

Did you ever accidentally physically hurt #5?
Well we were in a kick line once and things got a little crazy. He was sure he could kick higher and faster but he had no idea who he was up against. I'm sure you can imagine what happened next...

Have you ever danced with #6?
I have not. But you know how I feel about her dancing. There is no way, I could keep with up with her frantic nature. She'd hip check me off stage. Oh and I'd want to wear pants which would never fly with Ms. Sasha Fierce.

Well that was fun. Happy that I wasted your time, nerds? Good. Happy to help.

Love,
Jenna

P.S. I apologize for the excessive pictures of shirtless men. Two is too many, you're right.

Sometimes Mardi Gras...

...is just too fat. Mardi Gras is terrible. Everything I see and hear about fat Tuesday makes me cringe. For example, six people were shot in yesterday's Mardi Gras celebration in New Orleans. Well, technically seven but the 20 months old was only grazed by a bullet so it doesn't actually count. Everything about the last two sentences: terrible. And I'm sure that Girls Gone Wild crew captured ample amounts of drunk college girl footage for their next season of filth. Girls Gone Wild: terrible.

Anyway, that's not the point. Mardi Gras is the day before Lent.

People keep asking me what I'm giving up for Lent. Since I'm not Catholic, I'm not obligated to give up something for the next 40 days but that got me thinking. What would I give up for 40 days or even 40 weeks, months, years, dare I say, forever? I mean, if I had to. Which I don't. Although it's not a bad idea. I do have a few suggestions for other people...

1. Chris Brown: Hitting (Obviously...)
2. Michael Phelps: Pot
3. Reality Television: Bret Michaels (America has enough STD's and although it seems (and actually is) impossible, I think Rock of Love viewers are immediately infected with at least one.)
4. Chris Matthews: Shouting (He's going to explode one of these days.)
5. Rick Sanchez: Twitter
6. Hugh Jackman: Hosting award shows
7. Baconnaise: Bacon or Mayonnaise (One of you has to go.)
8. McDonald's: The McRib
9. Beyonce: Leotards (I've had enough! Dance wearing pants! Dance wearing pants or don't dance at all!)
10. Tyler Perry: Female fat suits
11. Jessica Simpson: Poptarts
12. Simon Cowell: Paula Abdul
13. Geese: Playing chicken with airplanes

The world's not perfect, folks. But wouldn't it be nice if we could all give up something to improve ourselves? I've been saying "folks" a lot lately. It needs to stop. That's what I'll give up. Goodbye, folks! Hello, nerds. Is that better, nerds? Get used to hearing it, nerds. (Alright, fine. Other things I should give up: WebMD, SunChips, Diet Coke and heroin, I mean, being a heroine. I just can't save everyone.)

Love,
Jenna

P.S. I'm not a drug addict. It just hit me that heroin and heroine were pronounced the same and are only separated in spelling by one measly "e." Sometimes I'm dumb. I know, stop. You're a nerd! But seriously...kind of interesting. I got it! I'm a heroine addict. You know, addicted to being a heroine. Ha! Ok, I'm finished. Let's pretend I never typed this.)

Sometimes I'm a bad...

...blogger. But I've had a cold and my cable was out (never fear...it was fixed this morning by the best cable woman ever. Girls rule!). Yes, a cold and lack of cable makes it very hard for me to blog. I'm only human.

Anyway, I'm back in business. So maybe I'll write about the Oscars, maybe I'll write about killer monkeys and sofa dwelling boa constrictors or maybe I'll write about our awesome economy! Who knows! Well, I know but uh...

It's a new freaking day, folks.

Love,
Jenna

Sometimes she's just not that into...

...He's Just Not That Into You. Did you follow that?

Alright, I saw it. I saw the movie with so many truth bombs, I left the theater (which was, by the way, the biggest movie theater I have ever sat in with less than a dozen viewers and the guy with stinky McDonald's had to sit right next to me...of course) hopeless and ready to give up dating altogether. That's right dating: I'm just not that into YOU or any of our friends!

Scarlett Hohansson, excuse me, Johansson is as scanky as I thought she was. Don't tell me she wasn't playing herself. That role came way to naturally.

Myspace is dying, if not officially dead, after that movie. Cancel your accounts, ladies and gentlemen, and get yourself a real estate broker.

Although I was happy to see Gigi and Alex end up together, I'm 100% sure he wouldn't act like such a girl about it. Isn't that the point of the film? That guys don't obsess about girls like girls obsess about guys? Oh, right, Gigi was the exception. Whatever. I don't buy it. Alex would have realized he liked her and asked her out like a man does. She would have been an easy catch, they'd be sleeping together even more quickly than Hohanson was performing a skinny dipping routine for a married man and we'd all hope and some of us might even pray they'd work out so that Gigi could end her cyberstalking days once and for all.

Unfortunately, the film doesn't give men a lot of credit. I imagine there are good ones out there. I think I've met a few. I think.

I didn't hate the movie. It was just so darn true! Aren't romantic comedies supposed to be outrageous, ridiculous, absurd, resulting in unrealistically high expectations of my own romantic endeavors?

Oh by the way, I'm just not that into you, Chris Brown.



What are you going to do about it, hit me?

Love,
Jenna

Sometimes TV night...

...isn't done right. Time Warner has failed me again. I can't watch Ugly Betty hook up with her newest hottie (HOW DOES SHE DO IT??? SHE'S SO UGLY!!!).

I've been living without cable for 10 minutes and I'm pretty sure at any moment I'm going to experience my first official panic attack. Okay, my third or fourth, FINE, fifth official panic attack.

How am I supposed to blog without the soothing sounds of the television blaring at me? Looks like I'll be watching my collection of BBC miniseries on DVD for the next few days.

Tonight's topic: The MOTHERSHIP has arrived.

AND she has agreed to see "He's Just Not That Into You" with me tomorrow afternoon.

Which means, tomorrow's topic: Why "He's Just That Not Into You" is the most depressing chick flick of 2009 or quite possibly ever.

Get excited or excitedly depressed or at least get a pint of Ben and Jerry's in advance.

Love,
Jenna

Sometimes I have to give...

...the readers what they want.

A few days ago, Chris Brown finally made a statement about the "incident" also known as "Rihanna my love, meet my fist," the title of his single, blowing up your ipod very soon.

"Words cannot begin to express how sorry and saddened I am over what transpired. I am seeking the counseling of my pastor, my mother and other loved ones and I am committed, with God's help, to emerging a better person. Much of what has been speculated or reported on blogs and/or reported in the media is wrong. While I would like to be able to talk about this more, until the legal issues are resolved, this is all I can say except that I have not written any messages or made any posts to Facebook, on blogs or any place else. Those posts or writings under my name are frauds."

I wonder what kind of posts were made? (Can't resist...feeling guilty already...must continue....)

These posts were found on various websites (including spacebook, myface and twit) and bathroom stalls at the Los Angeles Police Department.

"Rihanna ate my last piece of double mint gum."
"I didn't really hit Rihanna, the wii remote slipped out of my hand."
"I yelled, "catch" but she didn't catch my fist quick enough."
"She hit herself, I just helped."
"This is how we show love. Next time she'll beat me unconscious."
"I didn't bite her on purpose. I thought I saw a chicken nugget on her arm."
"I was just break dancing...on her face."
"She wouldn't shut up about her umbrella, ella, ella...You have no idea how annoying that gets."

Unfortunately, I don't think this is the first time this has happened and we should have known! Rihanna has been trying to make the eye patch fashionable for months. Why? The answer rhymes with shplack shmeye.



I'm relieved to know that eye patches won't actually become fashionable because I've been wearing an eye patch around town lately and it's been a real hazard. Sure, I have one less eye to accidentally stab with a pencil (you have no idea how close I've come) but I have nearly impaled myself on scaffolding, been hit by a bus and I can't get anyone to look me in my exposed eye. The only people I know who look good in eye patches are pirates. Trust me, I know a lot of pirates. And Rihanna is not a pirate. She's just a pop singer who gets beat up by her boyfriend. She's like the Tina Turner of our generation. Oh snap...I just went there.

Can't wait for these young singers to make their comeback. And seriously, pop stars, celebrities, regular people and those with anger management issues, don't beat up your girlfriend. Or else...I'll punch you in the face. Don't think I won't.

Love,
Jenna

Sometimes you think Spring is in the air...

...but instead the birds are singing and the sun is shining because Posh is in town!

Fashion week has allowed Posh to grace our presence. Now, if Ginger would show up and they could take a picture together, preferably with me in the middle of that Spice Girl sandwich, my life would be complete. I did it. Spice Girl Sandwich? Really? I finally made my creepy love of Spice Girls reach an all new creepy level.

But to keep the creepiness flowing, let's talk about Chris Brown. The pop prince made a statement today about the smack down he gave his pop princess Rihanna. And I wrote some jokes about it (Clay, my brother-in-law wrote a few too). I think I just heard you groan. Fine. Nevermind. Perhaps that is going too far but the jokes are kinda funny if you think...face break dancing is potentially funny which um, I mean, uh, nevermind.

Last night's SNL episode with host Alec Baldwin and musical guests The Jonas Brothers was just alright. There have been better episodes this season. (Chewable Diapers? Really?) And Alec, still trying to improve your reputation after you cursed out your child by doing a skit with The J-Brothers and inviting your she-Baldwin's to introduce the Disney heartthrobs? Nice try, Pops. And by the way, The Jonas Brothers, your jeans are too small. I don't mind tight jeans but come on. I really hate to be the blogger to say this but it looks like one of them is sporting an extra pair of socks and they aren't on his feet, if you know what I mean.

Tomorrow I'm going to eat a fried hot dog. (pause) Did this post just get even more awkward? I wasn't sure it was possible. Wow. But I really am going to eat a fried hot dog in The East Village: Land of the Skinny Jean.

Question(s) of the day: Who decided it was okay to fry a hot dog? And what makes me think I should try it? Can I blame America? My childhood? Benjamin Button? (What? That doesn't even make sense!)

Love,
Jenna

Sometimes pigs fly...

...which is why I'm asking the government to send me $1,000,000,000 to stimulate my life.

You have no idea how much good I could do.

Let the stimulation begin! (Awkward...)

Love,
Jenna

Sometimes I have to set the record straight...

...



That's right, you're sick.

Love,
Jenna