...because I need to record the following three moments in time.
1. Dinner at the Palin household which I imagine (but would like confirmed) goes a little something like this:
Sarah: Where's Bristol?
Mr. Sarah: Oh, she's out with her boyfriend again.
Sarah: They better not be fooling around. He knows I never miss a shot and I'm not talking about basketball, don't you know?
Mr. Sarah: Did you hear that your brother-in-law tasered Junior?
Sarah: WHAT? Well I'll be darned, that man is a menace. I told her shouldn't marry him but she couldn't resist his big fat trooper salary. You know, he didn't even vote for me. I'm gonna get someone on the phone about this. Track! Track, stop feeding your moose stew to the dog. Your grandpa killed that moose for you. We don't get lots of meese like this all the time.
Fade Out. End Scene.
I typed that whole scene with a Minnesotan accent in my head. Do Alaskans sound like Minnesotans? I don't even know.
2. The Cheeto Factory: I'd record the secret employee who adds the "secret ingredient" to Cheetos to finally prove to the world that they are made with a dash of crack; cheese flavored, orange colored crack.
3. Sunday Afternoon Replay: I'd record the pigeon poop incident that occurred on West 4th St. last Sunday afternoon and I'd watch that recording over and over again until I could figure out which pigeon it was exactly who pooped on my arm and then I'd find that pigeon, probably somewhere in Washington Square Park dealing drugs (the pigeon, not me), and I'd punch that pigeon in the face. Somebody call PETA! (Every time I hear about PETA in the news, I crave a gyro.)
For real, wouldn't it be weird if we could record anything we wanted with our minds and then play the recording back on a screen with our mind projector? Why isn't that a special power on Heroes? Was that a spoiler? Alert! Was it?
No. It wasn't.
Love,
Jenna
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Sunday, September 14, 2008
Sometimes babies are born...
...on Saturday at 7:40 PM. Welcome to the world Oliver Thomas Jones! Jaclyn and Cameron have finally brought forth a boy into the mix and it only took 8 hours. Go Jaclyn! I am so excited to meet my first nephew, Olly. He is one good looking dude.
Congratulations JacCam. Update your blog already...
:)
Love,
Jenna
Congratulations JacCam. Update your blog already...
:)
Love,
Jenna
Saturday, September 13, 2008
Sometimes Skittles...
...if eaten too quickly, can leave one with a very sore jaw. I wouldn't know. That's just what I heard and I thought I would share with you.
So next time you want to eat a package of skittles in less than five minutes, remember you could potentially sprain your jaw (and burp the rainbow).
Don't say I didn't warn you.
More life lessons coming soon.
Love,
Jenna
So next time you want to eat a package of skittles in less than five minutes, remember you could potentially sprain your jaw (and burp the rainbow).
Don't say I didn't warn you.
More life lessons coming soon.
Love,
Jenna
Friday, September 12, 2008
Sometimes people don't realize...
...how important I am.
For your information, dear readers, I have not one, but TWO, official, self proclaimed i-fans. (Please refer to past post in order to understand and familiarize yourself with that term.) There are people, who I don't have to pay, kiss, date, abuse, or be born from, who read my blog. They CHOOSE it and they like it.
The new i-celeb status is absolutely going to my head. Like, today, I was like walking down the street and it totally started raining and I'm like, dur, how dare you, uh, rain? (When you are a celebrity, all sentences end as a question, regardless of what you are saying, duh?)
So anyway, now that I am only a few letter's away from partying like a D-lister with Kathy, I am super excited to share a few non-optional things I expect from any and all who I may interact with.
1. Hanging out with me will always feel like a party and you would never go to a party empty handed, would you? I didn't think so. Most gifts will be accepted unless of course I don't like it in which case I will take it anyway and sell it at my family's annual yard sale extravaganza, because I'm down to earth like that.
2. Never wear sandals in my presence. I don't want to stare at your toes. No one does.
3. Heavy breathing or milk breathe will not be tolerated along with anyone who watches The View and enjoys it. Oh and the hosts of Good Things Utah, put them on The List of Intolerable Nouns as well.
4. Refrain from mentioning my overactive sweat glands or else I will lock you in a room with a mariachi band or Dakota Fanning. Which is worse, I haven't decided.
5. Don't take offense if I choose dinner with Miley Cyrus over you. It's not personal. She's a millionaire, I'm scared/jealous of her empire, and her face is on everything at WalMart, what do you expect?
6. Try not to look me in the eyes, wear the color white on Tuesdays or eat anything in front of me without asking if I want some first. Never wear t-shirts with horses on them. That's more of a general life rule. That goes for unicorn t-shirts as well.
I was so meant for fame. Oh and I'm also taking applications for a personal intern. I can't offer payment at first although I always have a large candy stash. You can have all the red starbursts you want. I like those the least.
The time has finally come when I can lose my sense of humor and start acting like the sale at Bloomingdale's is actually a legit sale. Before long, I'll have my own perfume line at Walgreens called "Love Cloud." After that, I'll start my own religion based on Ninjas. Then I will adopt babies illegally and name them after objects in my purse. Lastly, I'll run for president. Experience seems overrated these days anyway so why not try?
Love,
Jenna
For your information, dear readers, I have not one, but TWO, official, self proclaimed i-fans. (Please refer to past post in order to understand and familiarize yourself with that term.) There are people, who I don't have to pay, kiss, date, abuse, or be born from, who read my blog. They CHOOSE it and they like it.
The new i-celeb status is absolutely going to my head. Like, today, I was like walking down the street and it totally started raining and I'm like, dur, how dare you, uh, rain? (When you are a celebrity, all sentences end as a question, regardless of what you are saying, duh?)
So anyway, now that I am only a few letter's away from partying like a D-lister with Kathy, I am super excited to share a few non-optional things I expect from any and all who I may interact with.
1. Hanging out with me will always feel like a party and you would never go to a party empty handed, would you? I didn't think so. Most gifts will be accepted unless of course I don't like it in which case I will take it anyway and sell it at my family's annual yard sale extravaganza, because I'm down to earth like that.
2. Never wear sandals in my presence. I don't want to stare at your toes. No one does.
3. Heavy breathing or milk breathe will not be tolerated along with anyone who watches The View and enjoys it. Oh and the hosts of Good Things Utah, put them on The List of Intolerable Nouns as well.
4. Refrain from mentioning my overactive sweat glands or else I will lock you in a room with a mariachi band or Dakota Fanning. Which is worse, I haven't decided.
5. Don't take offense if I choose dinner with Miley Cyrus over you. It's not personal. She's a millionaire, I'm scared/jealous of her empire, and her face is on everything at WalMart, what do you expect?
6. Try not to look me in the eyes, wear the color white on Tuesdays or eat anything in front of me without asking if I want some first. Never wear t-shirts with horses on them. That's more of a general life rule. That goes for unicorn t-shirts as well.
I was so meant for fame. Oh and I'm also taking applications for a personal intern. I can't offer payment at first although I always have a large candy stash. You can have all the red starbursts you want. I like those the least.
The time has finally come when I can lose my sense of humor and start acting like the sale at Bloomingdale's is actually a legit sale. Before long, I'll have my own perfume line at Walgreens called "Love Cloud." After that, I'll start my own religion based on Ninjas. Then I will adopt babies illegally and name them after objects in my purse. Lastly, I'll run for president. Experience seems overrated these days anyway so why not try?
Love,
Jenna
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Sometimes I don't do anything...
...and I get paid for it!
Psych.
I'm just dreaming, again.
Love,
Jenna
Psych.
I'm just dreaming, again.
Love,
Jenna
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Sometimes I go running...
...in Riverside Park and strange things happen.
1. A duck came out of no where and hissed at me. So I hissed back.
2. I'm fairly sure I counted at least six different men wearing speedos.
3. All of a sudden, I broke out into song and it was so weird, everyone around me started singing and dancing to the same song. It was a total out of body experience. Like really, I thought I'd died and gone to heaven.
4. I had to say hi to Lucky Burger's employee, twice, once on my way out and once on my way back. I'm pretty sure he thinks that I like him. I should have never let him give me free fries but how could I resist?
5. Someone stopped me and told me I could be a part time model.
6. I almost slapped a horse, again.
6. Then some guys in suits stopped me and asked me to run for Vice President of the United States except when I told them I couldn't shoot a gun and didn't really wear much lipstick, they took back their offer and were gone before I could tell them my position on teaching creationism and evolution in schools.
So yes, it was an odd run on one of the more beautiful days NYC has ever seen. Apparently, this is just what I hear, people in Southern California experience days like this, um, everyday.
I'm eating at Taco Bell tonight, folks. It's gonna be awesome.
Love,
Jenna
1. A duck came out of no where and hissed at me. So I hissed back.
2. I'm fairly sure I counted at least six different men wearing speedos.
3. All of a sudden, I broke out into song and it was so weird, everyone around me started singing and dancing to the same song. It was a total out of body experience. Like really, I thought I'd died and gone to heaven.
4. I had to say hi to Lucky Burger's employee, twice, once on my way out and once on my way back. I'm pretty sure he thinks that I like him. I should have never let him give me free fries but how could I resist?
5. Someone stopped me and told me I could be a part time model.
6. I almost slapped a horse, again.
6. Then some guys in suits stopped me and asked me to run for Vice President of the United States except when I told them I couldn't shoot a gun and didn't really wear much lipstick, they took back their offer and were gone before I could tell them my position on teaching creationism and evolution in schools.
So yes, it was an odd run on one of the more beautiful days NYC has ever seen. Apparently, this is just what I hear, people in Southern California experience days like this, um, everyday.
I'm eating at Taco Bell tonight, folks. It's gonna be awesome.
Love,
Jenna
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
Sometimes Tuesday happens...
...before you know it.
Here I am sitting in my apartment on a very dreary day in Manhattan.
I can hear the sound of a horse trotting down 9th Ave (there are horses in my hood), construction workers swearing on 52nd, and the ringing of a siren in the distance and I still have nothing inspiring to write about.
It's raining today.
Raining like a mother.
That phrase doesn't even make sense.
But you totally know what I mean, don't you.
The rain in NYC is like no other. It never really falls but drizzles erratically in all directions. That or it feels like someone is constantly squirting a spray bottle in your face. It does wonders for my hair.
Oh and using an umbrella is useless. The wind will destroy it or the rain will fall horizontally anyway. And umbrellas don't stop cab drivers from driving through large puddles near the curb. That is the only realistic part of Sex and the City, when, in the opening credits, Carrie is splashed by a city bus.
Chew on that while I brainstorm for a better post and a better tomorrow.
Love,
Jenna
Here I am sitting in my apartment on a very dreary day in Manhattan.
I can hear the sound of a horse trotting down 9th Ave (there are horses in my hood), construction workers swearing on 52nd, and the ringing of a siren in the distance and I still have nothing inspiring to write about.
It's raining today.
Raining like a mother.
That phrase doesn't even make sense.
But you totally know what I mean, don't you.
The rain in NYC is like no other. It never really falls but drizzles erratically in all directions. That or it feels like someone is constantly squirting a spray bottle in your face. It does wonders for my hair.
Oh and using an umbrella is useless. The wind will destroy it or the rain will fall horizontally anyway. And umbrellas don't stop cab drivers from driving through large puddles near the curb. That is the only realistic part of Sex and the City, when, in the opening credits, Carrie is splashed by a city bus.
Chew on that while I brainstorm for a better post and a better tomorrow.
Love,
Jenna
Friday, September 5, 2008
Sometimes facebook...
...has so much power over us!
Would the pretend facebook who keeps posting comments on my blog understand that he or she is in grave danger. Please be careful. In my feed this morning, facebook warned me that it is hungry for YOUR brain.
Jenna is moving on:
Today and only today, my greatest wish is to see my face on a Lucky Charms box. Athletes are on Wheaties, which is, let's be honest, boresville (not a word, I know). Not only are Wheaties worse than corn flakes, but you have to pour at least a cup of sugar on them to make them swallowable (also not a word, very aware of that). How do I qualify for such an honor? Well, I'm not Irish BUT:
1. I have been known to find many a lucky penny.
2. I often replace the word "of" with "o'."
3. Currently, my favorite color is green.
4. I dated a red head once.
5. If I drank alcohol, I would drink like an Irishman, probably.
I'm sure General Mills will call me any second.
In other Jenna life news, I would like to announce that a friend of mine recently taught me how to punch correctly. Since it is a dream of mine (today and forever) to punch someone in the face one day (if you follow this blog, you definitely knew that), I thought it only right to learn the proper way to do it. Turns out , I am a pro and punching someone in the face will be easier than expected. If you would like a demonstration on yourself or one of your friends or enemies, I am more than happy to oblige for the very small fee of $1.00. That is cheap entertainment, folks!
Love,
Jenna
Would the pretend facebook who keeps posting comments on my blog understand that he or she is in grave danger. Please be careful. In my feed this morning, facebook warned me that it is hungry for YOUR brain.
Jenna is moving on:
Today and only today, my greatest wish is to see my face on a Lucky Charms box. Athletes are on Wheaties, which is, let's be honest, boresville (not a word, I know). Not only are Wheaties worse than corn flakes, but you have to pour at least a cup of sugar on them to make them swallowable (also not a word, very aware of that). How do I qualify for such an honor? Well, I'm not Irish BUT:
1. I have been known to find many a lucky penny.
2. I often replace the word "of" with "o'."
3. Currently, my favorite color is green.
4. I dated a red head once.
5. If I drank alcohol, I would drink like an Irishman, probably.
I'm sure General Mills will call me any second.
In other Jenna life news, I would like to announce that a friend of mine recently taught me how to punch correctly. Since it is a dream of mine (today and forever) to punch someone in the face one day (if you follow this blog, you definitely knew that), I thought it only right to learn the proper way to do it. Turns out , I am a pro and punching someone in the face will be easier than expected. If you would like a demonstration on yourself or one of your friends or enemies, I am more than happy to oblige for the very small fee of $1.00. That is cheap entertainment, folks!
Love,
Jenna
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
Sometimes I update my facebook status...
...but my updates are always interesting and/or entertaining. The rest of you have some explaining to do.
What's the deal with the facebook status? I mean, sure I use it. But I know and willingly admit that it's just a cry for attention. Some people use that status like we really care what they are doing every second of every day. Yes, thank you, I really need a play by play from a girl who, when she requested me as a friend, I recognized but have no idea how I know her or why we are friends.
Here are a few observations I've made about the facebook status:
1. If you log on to facebook and 25 of your friends' status are announcing their recent engagement:
A. It's April Fool's Day
or
B. You are Mormon
or
C. You have a lot of Mormon friends and it's April 1st.
2. I appreciate the people who haven't realized that the "is" in the status line is optional. It's cute, really.
Mike is Happy Birthday Sarah!
3. The most exciting facebook status updates are the mean ones of course:
Brenda is so sick of men and their lies.
Blake hates all of you today.
Blaire wishes you would leave him alone forever.
Brad wants to hurt puppies.
(Probably shouldn't be friends with that last guy and apparently Blaire is a boy.)
4. I always feel a little nervous when people are inconsistent with their pronouns.
Incorrect: Rachel is walking my dog.
Correct: Rachel is walking her dog.
It's all very confusing unless, of course, Rachel is your dog walker or a known dog thief.
5. I don't understand spelling errors.
Dana can't wiat to see her neices. Yaayyy!!!!!
Typing that make me cringe. Reading it makes my head hurt.
6. The best facebook status updates are those that are trying real hard to be...ambiguous but really are just vague and/or irritating.
Steve is...
McKenzie can't wait...
Lauren wonders why you are so beautiful in the early morning sky when you aren't even here. (That doesn't even make sense.)
Jenny is staring deeply.
Richard writes his soul on napkins at starbucks.
7. Cliches are always fun too.
Stephanie is wearing her heart on her sleeve.
Mary wants you to turn that frown upside down.
Harry woke up at 7 am because the early bird gets the worm.
Although, I feel that these people are truly sincere, they still make me want to punch myself in the face.
8. Facebook status updates tell a lot about a personality.
A boss: Piper wants you to help me move tomorrow.
A lazy employee: Alex hates working today and wishes it was always Friday.
A vampire and/or science fiction geek (this is a tricky one): Ed is thirsty for your blood.
Conclusion: I've come to realize that the facebook status is weird because it forces us to type and read about ourselves in third person. And I recently heard that the more you talk about yourself in third person the more quickly facebook will own your soul and devour your brain.
Jenna is so finished with this post.
Love,
Jenna
What's the deal with the facebook status? I mean, sure I use it. But I know and willingly admit that it's just a cry for attention. Some people use that status like we really care what they are doing every second of every day. Yes, thank you, I really need a play by play from a girl who, when she requested me as a friend, I recognized but have no idea how I know her or why we are friends.
Here are a few observations I've made about the facebook status:
1. If you log on to facebook and 25 of your friends' status are announcing their recent engagement:
A. It's April Fool's Day
or
B. You are Mormon
or
C. You have a lot of Mormon friends and it's April 1st.
2. I appreciate the people who haven't realized that the "is" in the status line is optional. It's cute, really.
Mike is Happy Birthday Sarah!
3. The most exciting facebook status updates are the mean ones of course:
Brenda is so sick of men and their lies.
Blake hates all of you today.
Blaire wishes you would leave him alone forever.
Brad wants to hurt puppies.
(Probably shouldn't be friends with that last guy and apparently Blaire is a boy.)
4. I always feel a little nervous when people are inconsistent with their pronouns.
Incorrect: Rachel is walking my dog.
Correct: Rachel is walking her dog.
It's all very confusing unless, of course, Rachel is your dog walker or a known dog thief.
5. I don't understand spelling errors.
Dana can't wiat to see her neices. Yaayyy!!!!!
Typing that make me cringe. Reading it makes my head hurt.
6. The best facebook status updates are those that are trying real hard to be...ambiguous but really are just vague and/or irritating.
Steve is...
McKenzie can't wait...
Lauren wonders why you are so beautiful in the early morning sky when you aren't even here. (That doesn't even make sense.)
Jenny is staring deeply.
Richard writes his soul on napkins at starbucks.
7. Cliches are always fun too.
Stephanie is wearing her heart on her sleeve.
Mary wants you to turn that frown upside down.
Harry woke up at 7 am because the early bird gets the worm.
Although, I feel that these people are truly sincere, they still make me want to punch myself in the face.
8. Facebook status updates tell a lot about a personality.
A boss: Piper wants you to help me move tomorrow.
A lazy employee: Alex hates working today and wishes it was always Friday.
A vampire and/or science fiction geek (this is a tricky one): Ed is thirsty for your blood.
Conclusion: I've come to realize that the facebook status is weird because it forces us to type and read about ourselves in third person. And I recently heard that the more you talk about yourself in third person the more quickly facebook will own your soul and devour your brain.
Jenna is so finished with this post.
Love,
Jenna
So....phia was born today!
Congratulations to my brother Tyler and his beautiful wife Rachel! Rachel gave birth to Sophia Rose Jones this morning at 6 am. According to Janae, she looks more like Rachel which means she is a beauty. Phew, no offense Ty, you're a handsome dude but would you really want a "handsome" daughter? Exactly.
I am so happy for your little family! I hope Mr. Darcy and Party Girl behave themselves around their new sister.
Love,
Jenna
P.S. Cam and Jac...you're next!
I am so happy for your little family! I hope Mr. Darcy and Party Girl behave themselves around their new sister.
Love,
Jenna
P.S. Cam and Jac...you're next!
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