Sometimes I like food...

...a lot.

Is there something wrong with a person who wakes up in the morning and thinks about what she should eat, then gets to work and thinks about lunch, and then gets home from work and thinks, "What is the maximum I could eat without gaining any weight?" and then proceed to eat too much anyway?

If so, I really think you need help.

Oprah told me once, "You have to eat to live but you really shouldn't live to eat." That's an idea, I guess. Then again, should I really take eating advice from a woman whose weight has fluctuated more than Pam Anderson's marriage status? And lately, whose weight has steadily increased faster than my credit card debt? Gas prices and Oprah's weight: which one is more like to go down? And if so, is this really in the foreseeable future or are we doomed to pretend to go green with hybrid vehicles and stare at O Magazine covers thinking, "She is definitely not THAT skinny," forever?

Ok, you know what? I love food I do. Maybe I should just get fat and see what happens. Maybe people would think I was funnier and I could, along with Mo'Nique, make an entire career out of insulting skinny girls.

If I were forced to get fat, I would eat a lot of french fries and onion rings. More than I do now. I would also eat Taco Bell. A lot of it.

So let's just get this out in the open. I love Taco Bell. Yes, I know the ground beef comes out of a plastic bag and could potentially be made of rat meat. Yes, I know that there's a chance I might get hepatitis or some kind of tape worm from contaminated tomatoes. Of course, I understand that eating there places me at the bottom of the fast food food chain. If I have to put my life in my own hands to eat at Taco Bell, so be it. If it makes you feel any better, I do have one rule about Taco Bell. The TB Golden Rule: Never ever ever eat a bean burrito after 11 PM. I repeat: no bean burritos after 11 PM. Trust me. And trust my bowels.

Fast food is good. I wish everyone would just be open about it. You love it, your neighbor loves it, and you know what? I bet Barack Obama likes it. If Barack and Oprah ate at Wendy's tomorrow, oh who am I kidding, it's not even worth dreaming about. But seriously, can you imagine?

Actually, let me tell you a little bit about fast food in general.

You love it. Yes, you love it. Let me explain to you why you love it.

Imagine a time when you are far far away, in another country that may as well be another planet and you're exhausted after a long day of getting lost on your way to packed tourist destinations where you paid $5.00 for a bottle of water and took 50 pictures that you think make you look fat but will inevitably be posted on facebook anyway because you want to prove to your friends and future lovers that you've traveled the world all the while you are praying that the next person you speak to sounds like they are from Kansas and then...you see a McDonald's in the distance. You run for those golden arches, those crisp and skinny french fries, those little hamburgers with diced onions as fast as your exhausted legs and tevo wearing feet can carry you. You glide into that McDonald's like you own the world beacuse you are sure that the BigMac is going to taste like home and even if you can't read the menu you know what it says. You order your American fast food and slurp down that icy soda, sink into your booth, hide your camera and any evidence of a receipt and chew ever so slowly.

See, I told you. You love fast food. It's ok, I do too. (Probably not very comforting...)

My lunch was pretty good today. Lots of protein. I wonder what I should eat for dinner...

Love,
Jenna

Sometimes...IT'S TV TIME!

I love television and just realized that I didn't want my TV blogs to get lost in the hubbub of my other blogging endeavors.

So please join me in my television blogging journey here at

www.watchtvwithme.blogspot.com

Tell your friends.

Love,
Jenna

Sometimes...I personally think you should...

...write this post in honor of Nayr Nilbmah.

Yesterday I saw your yellow jeep in Manhattan but you weren't in it.

Rude.

Then on Friday night I thought it was raining in my room.*

Weird.

Now I'd really like to eat delicious Mexican food.

Help.

Love,
Jenna

*Long story. Ask if you want.

Sometimes my fan...

...writes me.

Yes, I have a fan!!!

Yesterday I was e-mailed by someone called, "Bendrix." I know, he sounds like a robotron from another planet but I am fairly sure (I'm waiting for my sources to confirm it), that he is human.

Apparently, or so he writes, I am his favorite "I-List Celebrity."

What does that mean? Duh. (Ok so maybe I just learned as well...)

I-List = Internet List

Whatever...A-listers watch out. Kathy Griffin beware. I'm catching up.




I am a celebrity!

And now that I've reached I-List status, I expect you to all treat me much differently. List of required treatment soon to come.

Love,
Jenna

Sometimes Sarah Palin has...

...a baby and then becomes the V.P. Nominee five months later.

WHAT THE WOMAN?

Didn't Barack give a speech or something last night?

Wait, who is Sarah Palin?

Dang, Gina, I am excited about this election.

Love,
Jenna

Sometimes we need visual...

...stimulation.

This blog needs new pictures. I know.



Lay off or I'll send her after you.

Love,
Jenna

Sometimes I want to play...

...a game.

Today, you lovely, not to mention lucky, readers get an update on the recent happenings in "my" life that may or may not be true and/or borrowed. Isn't this game fun? Yes, it's a game. (You should know the rules.)

1. Vampires exist! And one of them works at the Blockbuster on 51st and 8th! His name is Josh. He is much more pleasant than I expected a vampire to be and he comes well equipped with an extensive knowledge of films. I guess when you've lived forever, you are more likely to know a large repertoire of movies. It's impressive really. Oh, how can I be sure he's a vampire? He tried to bite me. Well, no, he didn't but he is very pale, has dark circles under his eyes, always works the night shift, and I think I may have seen a pair of fangs peeking out from behind his deep red lips. Yes, he's a vampire. It's not a problem for me though because I eat ample amounts of garlic regularly.

1.A. I also learned recently that when a vampire and a human reproduce, you get Jewel. She's a halfsie! Do you know how hard it is to grow up in the vampire community with one fang? I'm surprised she was able to break free of her vampire roots and cross over to pop music.

2. There is this thing called the Democratic National Convention going on. Apparently, tonight, Will.i.am and Barack will be performing/speak singing/speaking, together, I hope. It's going to be t-t-t-t-t-t-t-tasty, tasty.

3. I'd like to pose a question that I've thought of quite a bit recently for reasons I find truly unfortunate:

Why do girls wear thong underwear? And why is it that the girls who wear them always wear pants that don't fit. Think about it. (Feel free to dry heave and/or lose appetite...NOW.) But seriously, why? Perma-wedgie? No thanks. Showing off the b*tt which, if polled universally, would be in the top three most unattractive body parts, is a horrible, horrible thing to do to other people.

4. If McCain doesn't choose Mitt Romney, I've offered to eat circus peanuts soaked in oyster shells until he changes his mind. I told some people in the "biz" about my idea and my reality show "Jenna Jonez Eatz 4 Democrazy: It's crazy." comes out next week right after "Tila Tequila" and just before "The Hills(z)." Of course, it's an MTV production which means, yes, I sold my soul to the devil.

5. Big news: according to sources, David Archuleta has a "crush" on me. I'm really flattered, I am, but I think we should just be friends.

6. Last night, our Russian waitress gasped when my friend ordered a strawberry shake. Are strawberries code for something in Russia? Is my friend on a hit list now? Should I be concerned for my safety? So, moving to Moscow is now out of the question?

7. I've decided if I don't have health insurance by 2009, I am moving to Thailand to become a celebrity.

Did you win?

Love,
Jenna

Sometimes Nick Lachey...

...fanatics read my blog.

For all you fans out there who saw my post, I had Nick's phone number once. Oh and his guitar player totally hit on me. Oh and...

Love,
Jenna

P.S. My last post made it onto a fan site for Nick Lachey so I just wanted to share a little more of my Lachey history with all of them.

Sometimes I can't avoid...

...the Lachey brothers. I love the Lachey's. Who? Nick and Drew Lachey. Celebrity brothers or brothers who are celebrities (of course, I'm using the term celebrity loosely as they may not be at the top of the A-listers) that I absolutely adore. What makes them celebrities: 98 degrees, Dancing with the Stars, MTV's Newlyweds, etc. (duh).

Last Friday, in true Jenna style, I decided that instead of riding the subway to my friends place 20+ blocks down and across town, I would walk there instead. So with my little green ipod in hand and my messenger bag draped over my shoulder, I set out on my quest. When I take my long walks across town I like to set my ipod on "shuffle" mode and see where it takes me. First on the playlist that night, "Sweet Talk" by The Killers, probably one of my favorite Killers songs. Next, Rihanna's "Breakin' Dishes," the ultimate man hater song. Then came Nick Lachey's classic, "I Can't Hate You Anymore."

In truer Jenna style, I started humming audibly. In NYC, I have no problem singing to myself down the street. If I look crazy, so be it. There's always someone crazier anyway (That's sort of my attitude with most things: there's always someone slower, dumber, smarter, prettier, uglier...It's a great coping mechanism.)

With my music, I was making good time down 8th Ave through the intense Friday night Times Square crowds. Near 42nd St., I ran into the little red hand informing me that it was not time to cross the street. Usually I disregard the hand and dodge cabs and other New Jersey vehicles in an attempt to cross, but I was in such a good mood, I decided to wait my turn. In truest Jenna style, I began staring at the couple next to me, still humming of course. Dressed in casual clothes (jeans and t-shirts), they were holding hands and quietly chatting with each other. I noticed the man wore a baseball cap which is an odd piece of clothing for a Friday night unless you are a tourist from the midwest who wears hats inappropriately because

a. you think it's stylish
b. you are going bald

or

c. you are a celebrity trying to pose as a midwest tourist in Times Square.

I was hoping for c so I looked more closely still humming and now more loudly as I concentrated on his face. He looked up and, boom, our eyes met. It was Drew Lachey. I shifted my eyes over to the woman to make sure it was his wife and thankfully, it was.

Then I realized something: I'm staring at Drew and Mrs. Lachey humming his brother's hit song.

Then I thought: Should I ask Drew for Nick's phone number?

Before I had time to decide, the light changed, he looked at me again, probably to make sure I wasn't going to follow him, and I blushed and walked quickly in the other direction. Gosh, I love those guys.

This is a true story.

Love,
Jenna

P.S. I did make it to my friends apt. I missed the 7/11 though which I was hoping to pass so I could big gulp my way there. That doesn't even make sense but I loved typing it so it stays.

Sometimes I feel uninspired...

...so I ask my friends for help.

(The following are real IM conversations. Most of them, at least.)

Conversation A:

Jenna: Hey friend #1, what should I write about?

Friend #1: sticky fingers and calendar days ha

Jenna: Booo, too easy.

Conversation B:

Jenna: Hey friend #2, what should I write about?

Friend #2: Transitions between bubble life and Liberal Mayhem, and the difficulty in between.

Friend #2: I don't really like to talk about my personal life in that much detail.

Conversation C:

Jenna: Hey friend #3, what should I write about?

Friend #3: My undying love for Clay Aiken.

Jenna: Aaah, we can't be friends anymore. Saaaaad. :(

Love,
Jenna

P.S. I'd just like to say that Friend #1, #2, and #3 are in no particular order. I like them all equally, well, I mean, except for #3. But obviously, you can understand why.