Sometimes...

...I work on other projects while my website is still under construction.

SO dear readers, how are you at listening? I recently started a podcast called, Spam Radio, with a friend of mine. His name is Shawn. He thinks he's smarter than me. Which he is. But I'm prettier which...oh wait...that gets me no where in this equation. OH NO, HE IS SMARTER!

Tune in to our podcast to hear the two of us talk about absolutely nothing of very much importance. 

You can check out our podcast at http://spamfm.com OR subscribe to it on itunes.

And don't forget to become a fan on facebook!

Love,
Jenna

OH MY GOSH It's November 11th...

...I haven't blogged for far too long.

I have good excuses, I really do. BUT I won't bore you with them.

Well, maybe I will.

I'm in the process of revamping my blog and by revamping, I mean, I'm leaving the blogger behind! I'm going full blown website, people. There will be pictures and videos and songs and blogs and MY PODCAST...ALL coming soon to YOUR COMPUTER!!!

In the meantime, I'll try to post here and there but please, please be patient.

I love you all.

Love,
Jenna

If you need a little more Jenna in your life, feel free to follow me on twitter. www.twitter.com/jennakimjones

Sometimes Halloween...

...is about so much more than ghouls and ghosts and girls dressed like scanky firewomen. Like this video, made by my friend, Collin Mapp.

I enjoyed it and so will you.



Love,
Jenna

Sometimes Wild Turkeys...

...attack! They're fierce.



Why is this so funny?

Love,
Jenna

Jenna Kim's Fake Rumors 10/26/09

The Miracle of the Hudson: The World Series starts tomorrow...maybe. It's pouring rain today in New York City and according to weather.com it's going to keep raining. Maybe Kate Hudson could stop the rain? I mean, she's turned A-Rod into the superstar baseball player Yankees fans hoped he could be so perhaps she knows someone in Mother Nature's offices? Rumor is, she's nearly persuaded A-Rod to convert to Buddhism. Now, I don't know about you but I didn't realize she was such a spiritual giant. I did not get that vibe from her in How to Lose A Guy in 10 Days. (She better not mess with his heart in the next few weeks or New York City will NEVER forgive her. There will be riots.)

Lohan Unleashed: After partying too hard (and stealing a fur coat), Lohan was banned from many New York City clubs. The ban was recently lifted and she's allowed back in. Those clubs must be struggling and need a little publicity because I can't imagine any other reason to let her back in. Hide your coats, ladies, because it's cold outside and I heard Lohan is in the market for a new one.

The Hills Have Boyfriends: Kristen Cavallari, the new star of The Hills (the old star of Laguna Beach: The Real O.C.) has a secret off camera boyfriend. I personally hope it's Stephen from Laguna Beach (Suck on THAT, Lauren Conrad!) though I think it's someone we DON'T know. The Hills' producers are NOT pleased. And here's what I say to them: RELAX. WE ALL KNEW THE SHOW WAS FAKE BEFORE IT EVEN STARTED. I wasn't exactly shocked to find out she had a real life boyfriend. The only reason that the show isn't 100% scripted is because the cast doesn't know how to read and can only remember so many words.

My Weekly Smelly Person Rant: Katy Perry, the Lady-Kissing-Hot-and-Cold-Diva-Queen, turned 25 this week.

Did you know she's dating that?

Russel Brand smells.

Now I usually don't like to cast judgment on the person another person chooses to date since I, myself, don't exactly have a great dating track record. Not to mention, I hang out with a lot of comedians, so I'll probably end up dating one of them which is absolutely fine as I completely accepted the fact that I wouldn't marry a physically attractive man a long time ago. BUT Russell Brand is the least attractive comedian I've ever seen. He looks like he smells like a dirty boys dorm room all the time. The smell of alcohol, weed, sweat, pizza and farts are all trapped up in his skinny jeans. Guh. I'm going to be sick.

Two Oranges on Two Toothpicks: The Olsen twins have a few fashion line coming out at JC Penney. I looked through some pictures of the twins and their clothes and I can't remember what any of the clothes look like because I was so focused on their massive heads. I hope they sell hats in size Mary Kate and Ashley because I'll finally be able to find a hat to fit my giant noggin'.

Hot Water on Set: A production assistant on the set of Channing Tatum's new movie accidentally poured a pot of boiling water over the star. Being a production assistant myself, I can't tell you how that story made my heart sink. I'm sure he or she was fired immediately and has yet to recover from the idea of possibly scarring one of the most attractive men in the movie industry. Hey, if Channing can sing, maybe he can star in The Phantom of the Opera?

Love,
Jenna

Mid Week Pop Music Pick Me Up 10/14/09

Introducing JUSTIN BIEBER

Aaron Carter wishes he was Justin Bieber. Booyah.

This kid's 15, he's got a cute little voice (which will hopefully not change too much after puberty) and girls love him. His single "One Time" is catchier than those stupid freecreditreport.com commercials but thankfully, Justin's a lot less annoying.

The Best Parts of the music video, "One Time:"

1. Justin is house sitting for Usher.

2. The video director does a great job hiding the fact that Justin's love interest is at least a foot taller than him. He must be a little guy because she is always leaning or sitting next to him. Girls are always bigger than boys at that age. Trust me, I have an entire journal from the 8th grade complaining about it.

3. I still think he sounds like Miley Cyrus sometimes.

Now watch and enjoy!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0-qQdw7Xpv4

And if you're wondering how to say his last name, it's pronounced Beeber, not Biber. I hope his fans call themselves Bieber Girls. He should wear a beeper and call it his Bieber.

It's Bieber time!

Love,
Jenna

Jenna Kim's Fake Rumors 10/12/09

It's been a while. You missed the rumors. I know.

I'm getting old. How is it possible that I don't know who Justin Bieber is? Maybe you're saying to yourself, "Justin who?" Well apparently he's the newest hottest 15 year old pop singer; signed by Usher and breaking preteens' hearts everywhere. I was upset that I, the queen of pop music (a self imposed title - it's up for debate, I agree) don't know the singing sensation. I immediately youtubed his very popular single and realized I had actually heard this adorable song before. "One Time" is catchy and charming and up until I saw the music video, I was sure it was a Miley Cyrus original. Whoops. Sorry, Justin (and Miley).

Speaking of Miley, the true Disney Princess, recently cancelled her Twitter account. Courtney Love also cancelled her account because if Miley can quit tweeting, she can quit tweeting (and cocaine). According to Ms. Miley, twitter was a waste of time and though I agree, it also sounds to me like she's trying to go from girl....to....woman and shed anything that might make her appear too young. Uh oh, don't do it Miley. We don't need any Britney repeats. Heaven forbid you end of up stealing fur coats like Lohan. Miley might already be on a downard slope. She was seen eating at Outback and left...without leaving a tip. Maybe she had a bad waiter? Maybe her awesome blossom wasn't so awesome? Who knows...I'd suggest not eating at Outback, if you ask me.

In Lohan family news, Michael, the father of the red headed firecrackwhore (yowsers, that's a catty thing to say), has been hanging out with Jon Gosselin. Oh come on, Jon! You want people to be on your side? Believe your whole "Kate is abusive" line? Don't hang out with a notoriously bad father. The two of them have been sitting around exchanging stories of how misunderstood they are while they try on each other's Ed Hardy apparel.

Lastly, it turns out that Ben Affleck and Matt Damon are related! Ben is Matt's father? Nope. Matt is Ben's half brother? Try again. Ben is Matt's grandma's sister's cousin's daughter's son? Close. Ok I'll tell you. They are tenth cousins one removed! Are people even related at that point? I'm probably their tenth cousin as well. The entire cast of The View are probably related to them as well. Barack Obama is probably related to them too. In fact, we're all probably related to Matt and Ben (though hopefully closer to Matt).

That's it for this week. Thanks for reading, you big nerds.

Love,
Jenna

Sometimes I get a little distracted...

...okay, fine, I'll take a break from watching the Backstreet Boys new music video and blog for you lovelies.

So Barack didn't win the Olympic bid for Chicago. Have you had Chicago Style pizza? It's worth it, world, I promise. But fine, whatever, they are having the 2016 Olympics in Rio...(I'd spell the rest of it out but that might require a dictionary...I'll pass...this whole half word trend is good for something. It's the perfect way to avoid spelling and still sound hip.) Rio, ol' Rio. I wonder how they won. Perhaps the Olympic committee figured out some kind of formula that could estimate the number of stabbings that could potentially occur in Chicago and Rio during the Olympics and Rio won by a few less murders. In any case, like any good friend would say comfortingly, Chicago, if they don't want you, you're obviously too good for them. Let's go get facials and read "O" Magazine.

Lauren Conrad, star of Laguna Beach: the Real O.C. and most currently, The Hills, "wrote" a book this year about a young girl who lives in L.A. and works in fashion, titled L.A. Candy. I know what you're thinking and I definitely thought the book was about cocaine and who knows, it could be. I haven't read it but I'm pretty sure it's just another version of Lauren Conrad's so called life. Nothing in that girl's life is real. Someday she is going to wake up and realize she has zero talent and no real friends and it's going to, uh, pardon my language, suck. Does she even have parents? Or is she some kind of robot that MTV created out of nothing? Yes, that all seems harsh and she probably has feelings so I shouldn't say any of this. I'm a jerk, I get it. Anyway, her book is going to be turned into a movie. I wonder who will star in it? Honestly, I'm hoping for Lindsay Lohan. That way the movie will be turned into an ABC Family Original and I can watch it with my friends for free while eating pizza rolls on my couch. That's right TOTINO'S PIZZA ROLLS! Hey, at least my life is real. Whatever, I'm normal.

How else can I talk about pizza in this post...

I met Slim Thug (see video below) on Friday at work (because I have a sweet job). It was my first and could be perhaps my only experience on the set of a rap music video (produced by The Daily Show). I also got a glimpse into the life of a video vixen. You know, those girlies who dance around in rap videos? Yeah, they exist. It's a profession, apparently. And those girls, wow, they know how to move in heels and spandex like I've never really seen anyone move before. It was intimidating. And gross.

Also, Slim Thug doesn't eat pizza. I know that to be a fact. He is prone to high cholesterol, though I probably shouldn't be spreading that around. It could be his only weakness and he doesn't want his nemesis (who I hope is named Fat Thug or Chubby Thug or some variation of that) to find out. I just had to figure out some way to tie pizza into this! Overall, he was a nice guy.

My coworker offered me $300 to be a "rap ho" (That's what they're called, I'm not being judgmental!) for Halloween. Tempting! Though it seems like those "dresses" they wear might be a little cold. Also, I'm not sure they make them in size "white girl butt."

You've been a great audience, thanks for reading. Be a real audience this Wednesday at Stand Up NY. Details in previous post below.

I like you but not as much as Letterman likes his female staffers. Zing! I'm actually pretty weirded (not a real word, by the way) out by the whole situation especially since I worked there for a short time. Making light of it kind of freaks me out/makes me sad. I take it back. Guh, I hate my guilt complex.

I've got to stop writing late at night.

Love,

Jenna

P.S. Brian of the Backstreet Boys came down with the Swine Flu. If the Backstreet Boys aren't immune, none of us are. Wash your swine, people. And your hands too. Oink!

The Octoberfest Comedian Showcase!!!

Please come out to the ALL-STAR COMEDIAN SHOW @ on WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 7th At 8:30 PM at STANDUP NY COMEDY CLUB (78th and Broadway)

This show will be one of the best of the year featuring comedians from MTV, COMEDY CENTRAL, HBO, LETTERMAN, LAST CALL with CARSON DALY AND CONAN O"BRIEN.

BOB DIBUONO: MTV's "TRL", FOX'S "Red Eye", SPIKE TV, Jim Bruer Unleashed on Sirius Satellite Radio
http://bobdibuono.com/

JOEY GAY: NBC's "Last Comic Standing", Comedy Central
http://www.comedycentral.com/videos/index.jhtml?videoId=86843

ERIC LYDEN: CBS's "Comics Unleashed".
http://www.ericlyden.com/

VIC HENLEY: Comedy Central Presents
http://www.vichenley.com/

Jenna Kim Jones: Competitive Eater as seen at most fast food joints in the Midtown Area, Hottie Extraordinaire, Acclaimed funny person by her Doorman (occasionally) and a cab driver (once).
http://www.peopleofwalmart.com

Please call and make a reservation by MONDAY, October 5TH at 212-595-0850

Admission is $15 per person with a two-drink mimimum.

It's a "fest" in October! How could you say no??? GREAT! I'll see you there!!!

Love,

Jenna

Sometimes Obama is too smooth...

...and he comes off like his statue at Madame Tussauds Wax Museum in Times Squares.

Relax, man!

Barack Obama's amazingly consistent smile from Eric Spiegelman on Vimeo.

Love,
Jenna

Mid Week Pop Music Pick Me Up 9/23/09

You guys, I think I still love the Backstreet Boys.

Even though their new video barely makes sense. That's right, the BSB have a new music video because they have a new album coming out on October 6th. I have tried to fight the excitement in my heart but it keeps coming back like McKenzie Phillips to cocaine (yikes).

Their new music video, as I said, doesn't make a lot of sense. There is a weird intro about "hunters being hunted," a lesbian vampire, a lot of dancing and I've already said too much. Mmhmm, this video is off the shinizzzzlehook

Pay close attention to AJ's glow in the dark nail polish. He's SO edgy.

Now WATCH:



While watching, I was embarrassed for two reasons:

1. I realized the video is silly and they're probably too old for this
2. It still made me blush

So as a result, I've been trying to get Nick Carter to talk to me on twitter, unsuccessfully, but I will not give up that easily.

I'm pathetic, I know. Whatever, I'm normal.

Love,
Jenna

Remember when you used to blog?

That's what my friend, Alisa, said to me today and it nearly broke my heart. Ok my heart wasn't that close to breaking, it's been much closer--Ryan Reynolds, you really had to marry SCARJO? How could you!

I just feel a little guilty for neglecting my blog.

Though, feeling guilty isn't exactly a hard thing to make me feel. I experience guilt at least 12 times a day for things that don't really matter. I'm so guilty that I see a policeman and wrack my brain. Is he looking for me? Am I being arrested? Did I just jaywalk? I practically turn myself in. "Take me away officer, I forgot to call my mother earlier. Yes, I farted in the aisle at Duane Reade. Ok, fine, I tried a grape at the grocery store." You name it, I've felt guilty about it. And I wonder why I can't sleep well at night.

Anyway, the point is, I'm letting my 48 followers down. Of course, I think about all of you. I've been busy lately...but too busy for blogging? How dare I!

So I'm back. At least for tonight. I'm putting the premiere of House on the back burner. It will still be on my DVR in the morning. It will (I have to assure myself).

Gossip Girl can also wait. She's kind of a beeyotch anyway so I don't mind putting her in her place, whoever she is.

A month ago, I thought I was dying of another brain infection but that's only because I think I'm a doctor thanks to WebMD (I've self diagnosed a brain infection before). Turns out, there is nothing wrong with me at all but after spending a week on the symptom checker, I'm sure I've memorized almost every symptom and what they might lead to.

I really hated going to the doctor. WebMD was much more satisfying. WebMD doesn't make me feel crazy. It just allows me to be crazy. I bet doctors totally hate it and people like me.

I've realized though, we're all soft. And no, I did not just call you fat. I mean, we're pansies. No, we're not flowers, we're wusses. Yes, that's the word. With all the prescription drug ads on television, people just assume that there's a drug for everything, right? Like me, for example.

Doctor: So tell me what the problem is?

Jenna: Well, I'm just so sore. I'm all achy. I can barely walk.

Doctor: Have you worked out recently?

Jenna: Yesterday.

Doctor: And when was the last time you worked out before that?

Jenna: 1997

Doctor: You're experiencing sore muscles. That's normal.

Jenna: Right, well WebMD said I have Parkinson's or a rare bacteria infection that you can only get from a fungus in South American rain forests. I think it's the fungus one. I've decided we should amputate.

Doctor: No, you're just out of shape.

Jenna: Right, I hadn't really planned for that. If that is the case, what can you give me? Vicodin, percocet, you tell me, you're the "doctor."

Doctor: You don't need drugs, you need to work out more.

Jenna: Whoa, whoa...

Doctor: It couldn't hurt to lose...

Jenna: (awkward silence) Before I go, is there some way to make sore muscles sound like a bigger deal, you know, just so I can get out of work for a few days?

Doctor: Lazy-gluteus-maximus-syndrome.

Jenna: Awesome, thanks!

Whatever, I'm normal.

I hope you all miss me as much as I miss you.

Love,

Jenna

Sometimes MTV has a Video Music Awards Show...

...even though MTV hasn't played a music video since The Real World began its reign of terror (and STDs). Come to think of it, VMA kind of sounds like a disease...

MTV's Video Music Awards aired last night live from Radio City Music Hall. Thank goodness! I've got plenty of material to make my first week back to blogging so much easier!

It's almost too easy.

Should I start with the most obvious target of the night? Lady Gaga. I've said it before and I'll say it again, that girl is a freak. And not freaky, like let's get it on freaky. I mean, she is a weirdo. But of course, she chooses to act the way she does. My conclusion after watching her die on stage last night was this: I think I might actually be afraid of her. Does she ever just let down her hair (if she has any...I've only ever seen her in wigs), go back to whatever planet (or state) she's from, eat pizza (instead of human brains) and watch Gossip Girl (or reruns of Roseanne) like the rest of us? Or is she constantly trying to hide her face (she wears a lot of sparkles/feathers/bird's nests as a means of distraction from what seems to be a rather large nose)? I'm being harsh. She's a person too, I think. By the end of the night, she had changed her clothes at least 16 times and made Michael Jackson look like a regular ol' guy. Seriously, what was the nest she had around her face? If that's fashion, count me out. Even Tracy Morgan was afraid of her. And he's mentally insane. Put Taylor Swift and Lady Gaga next to each other and Taylor looks celestial.

Poor Taylor Swift. Kanye West had to steal her thunder. Actually, I take it back. This could perhaps be the greatest thing that's ever happened to Taylor's career. The whole country is on her side. And Kanye, well, George Bush hates black people and Kanye West hates country music. Hates country music but loves attention...turns out he was booked as Leno's guest on Leno's first episode of his primetime talk show. Cause a stir, gets lots of publicity and then make an appearance on a show that desperately needs ratings. Kanye, it's all very suspicious...VERY suspicious.

Madonna tried to make me feel bad about thinking MJ was strange. He was weird. He was talented and bizarre. So he had a weird and difficult childhood. So did I. So did everyone. Hard things happen...that doesn't mean you can cut off your face, become a prescription drug addict and pretend you're 10 forever. Don't get me wrong, I love MJ's music and his dancing...but I refuse to let Madonna preach to me about anything unless, of course, she has me in a choke hold.

There were a million other things that happened last night but I really couldn't watch the entire show. I saw snippets here and there but realized that at 23, I'm just too old for it all.

By the way, Russell Brand looked as smelly as ever, don't you think?

Happy post VMA day!

Love,

Jenna

Sometimes musical numbers...

...go terribly terribly wrong. GLEE...you broke my heart last night! That was a terrible episode. A terrible come back. I'm distraught.

I'm sorry that I recommended that show...please forgive me. Though I'm willing to give it another chance.

But if next week's episode is like last night's train wreck, count me out. It's a shame. I love singing and dancing too much for this.

Love,
Jenna

Happy 09/09/09

I'm exhausted. But I'm back from a two week vacation and ready to blog again.

I spent my vacation in Utah and California. Which was fantastic. Did I mention how exhausted I am?

Well in any case, it was worth it.

I managed to completely avoid the news for two weeks. I barely have any idea what is going on in the world. Yippee! Ignorance is bliss. It absolutely is. Smart and informed people have no idea what they're missing.

There is one thing I know: I know that GLEE is premiering tonight!

If you missed the first episode of Glee, which aired last spring, watch it on Hulu.com NOW!

If you don't have time to watch the entire episode, here is a trailer that pretty much sums up everything you need to know. Really, it's quite comprehensive:



Make sure you watch it because tonight is the second episode and you don't want to be confused do you?

Now that you're ready to watch Glee, we can continue this blogger reader friendship we have going on here.

What else has been happening? Obama's corrupting our youth by telling them to go to school and work hard. MJ was FINALLY buried. Phew! And I think we all learned that we should pay more attention to who our neighbors hold hostage in their backyard.

Man, I've got to get back into this blogging thing. But I'm tired of the same old, same old blog. She needs a makeover, don't you think? I have some new ideas, posts, colors, fun stuff that I'm working on. Any ideas? In the meantime, somebody call 911...because there's a shorty fire burning on the dance floor!

Anybody want to debate Health Care?

I used to be Love drunk but now I'm hungover,
Jenna

I'M SORRY!

I've been on vacation...I'm still on vacation...

BUT I'LL BE BACK BEFORE YOU KNOW IT.

BTWITIAILWU!

Love,
Jenna

Sometimes I think I'm talented...

...and then I see this and I have to start the talent search all over again.  

Love,
Jenna

(Still working on that pop music pick me up...whoops...)

Sometimes you can read this...

...or watch me read this live in person! Ok so, I won't actually be reading my blog on stage but I will try to tell jokes and I really need you to come watch me try. (Seriously, I just found out about this show and if I don't bring some peeps to it, I don't get to tell no jokes.)

Here are the details:

The ALL-STAR COMEDY SUMMER FEST!!

You are invited to the ALL-STAR COMEDIAN SHOW @ STANDUP NY COMEDY CLUB on WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 19th At 8:30 PM.

This show will be one of the best of the year featuring as always comedians from MTV, COMEDY CENTRAL, HBO, LETTERMAN, LAST CALL with CARSON DALY AND CONAN O"BRIEN.

BOB DIBUONO: MTV's "TRL", FOX'S "Red Eye", SPIKE TV, Jim Bruer Unleashed on Sirius Satellite Radio
http://bobdibuono.com/

KYLE GROOMS: Comedy Central Presents 1/2 Hour Special
http://www.kylegrooms.net/

CAROL MONTGOMERY: VH1, Comedy Central, Nick at Night
http://www.carolemontgomery.com/bio.html

MIKE DESTEFANO: Conan O"Brien, Comedy Central

http://www.puppiesandheroin.com/media

Please call and make a reservation at 212-595-0850

Admission is $15 per person with a two-drink mimimum. (I know it's a tad pricey. But hey, it will be fun???)

Very Important: Admission is to be paid in CASH at door only! Do NOT BUY tickets online or from STREET TEAMS - as this is a privately produced show and those TICKETS WILL NOT be accepted. When you check in the night of the show - please let the host know who you are coming to see on the show. This is crucial...you must let them know you came to see ME.

Even More Important: SEATING is at 7:30 PM sharp - This show will sell out!! (Or just make sure you are there by 8PM. You don't want to get turned away.)

STANDUP NY COMEDY CLUB is located on 78th and Broadway

And if you don't come, the least you could do is follow me on twitter but I'd rather you did both. Thanks!

http://twitter.com/jennakimjones

Love,

Jenna

Jenna Kim's Fake Rumors 8/17/09

The KKKKKKK (How many Kardashian's are there?):  The Kardashian's latest reality program, "Kourtney and Khloe take Miami," premiered last night. It was too much. Too much Khloe. Too much Kourtney. Too much skin, hair and whine. It totally ruined my appetite. 

Perv-Stache:  Michael Phelps grew a moustache and now he looks like a guy who spends a lot of time on myspace. He better  be careful, that little bit of facial hair might slow him down, though I'm pretty sure it's fake because I don't think fish can grow hair.  

Joe Jacked-up-on-crazy-son:  First of all, let me say, Michael Jackson still hasn't been buried.  They are waiting to put him in the ground on his 51st birthday. Why?  Because the Jackson's are weird.  Second, Joe Jackson is an idiot.  Last week, Latoya Jackson may have mentioned something about taking Neverland to Las Vegas and making it a tourist attraction.  Joe Jackson put those rumors to rest when he said that would not happen.  He said quote, "How would they do that?"  Joe isn't moving Neverland to Las Vegas because it would be weird or creepy or because they only want to remember Michael Jackson for his music and not for his love of little boys but because logistically, he doesn't see how it's possible.  That man is so out of his mind.  I can see his mind reeling, "How would they move it?  Do you think they are going to move the land it's built on as well.  How will they move Neverland Ranch, the entire piece of Santa Barbara county to another state?  That just seems like it's impossible. You can't just move land. Or can you?  How much money would it take and make...I wish Michael were here. I'd take out this confusion on his face."  

No, You're Racist:  Geico pulled advertising from the Glenn Beck show after Mr. Beck claimed that Obama is racist. Cavemen are now angry that Geico doesn't acknowledge Cavemen as a race because we all know Geico thinks cavemen are stupid and inferior. They've been saying it for years.  ABC tried to make a sitcom out of it.  The ad campaign will never end.  Blah, blah, blah...cavemen, cavemen, cavemen.

And come on Glenn, really?  Trust me, Obama isn't racist, he loves black people.  

Love,

Jenna

Mid Week Pop Music Pick Me Up 8/12/09

This week, I'm thrilled to talk about the Jonas Brothers of the 90's, the one, the only, Hanson!


The only major difference between The Jonas Brothers and Hanson are their jeans. The Jonas Brothers wouldn't be caught dead wearing in pants with that much sag. Check it out in the single that launched Hanson's career, Mmmbop!

Seriously, the Jonas Brothers should be grateful for these older brothers singing their prepubescent voices out. Unfortunately, Disney Channel wasn't obsessed with teenage pop stars like they are now and Hanson's career wasn't quite as domineering as the JoBros. Don't worry, they still sing together. Just a year ago, they were touring around the US, refusing to sing their hit Mmmbop. Fans were angry but hey, I get it. That song requires the vocal range of Whitney Houston before crack. Even the Chipmunks have a hard time. I know. Because they told me. Yeah, I'm friends with the Chipmunks. Jealous?

My favorite Hanson song? Well to be perfectly honest, I have only ever listened to about four of them. One of those four songs keeps popping up on my ipod and I catch myself tapping my toes and singing along. It's catchy, okay! Enjoy, This Time Around. (This song is obviously from one of their later albums because they are a little more grown up and like, uh, super hot.)

Here's what Hanson looks like this time around...

Mmmmmmbop! Am I right ladies?

Uh oh, I think I like Hanson again. They remind me of Jonathan Taylor Thomas which is NEVER a bad thing. What the heck happened to that boy?

Love,
Jenna

Jenna Kim's Fake Rumors 8/10/09

Never trust your hair dresser: I went in for a trim and came out looking like Kate Gosselin. Now I know why she's always in such a bad mood.

Straight Up...or Down: Now that Paula Abdul is out of American Idol, Dancing with the Stars is trying to recruit her...to be a contestant...which might be pretty exciting considering she'll probably pass out more often than Marie Osmond. My only concern: she's so used to judging, she'll critique the judges critiques and by critique, of course, I mean incoherently comment on their wardrobe. I wonder how many years it took Paula to learn how to speak Crazy. I heard that Posh Spice is stepping in for Paula on American Idol? So basically, FOX still wanted crazy but they wanted crazy to come with an accent.

XOXO: Tyra and Hillary Duff have both been seen at different times on the set of Gossip Girl recently. I had no idea GG was THAT desperate. Who's next? Dustin Diamond? Donny Osmond? David Hasselhoff? Daisy from Daisy of Love? Gossip Girl, I feel like I don't even know you anymore!

Hurts So Good: Joe Jonas is single again. I'm going to use him to get closer to his younger brother, Nick. Just call me Jenna Cougar.

Love,
Jenna Jonas, I mean, Jones

Happy August?

I'm sorry that I haven't blogged this week. Don't worry, I will make it up to you, I promise. Over the past few days, I've been overwhelmed, under the weather and to make it even worse, John Hughes passed away today.

John who, you say? John Hughes, the master writer and director of every good movies in the 80's, had a heart attack this morning. I am more upset by this than Michael Jackson's death.

He was such a great writer! And he made our childhood so much fun! Home Alone, The Breakfast Club, European Vacation, The Great Outdoors, Sixteen Candles, Mr. Mom. Dennis the Mennis??? Without that movie, I would never be able to look anyone in the eyes cross-eyed and say, "Uh Apple." (Only my family and a few friends will understand what I'm talking about unless you've seen the movie and already know the reference. If we ever meet or speak in person, I'll show you.)

Anyway, here are my favorite lines from the movie Uncle Buck in a scene between John Candy and Maculay Culkin:

Miles: Where do you live?
Buck: In the city.
Miles: You have a house?
Buck: Apartment.
Miles: Own or rent?
Buck: Rent.
Miles: What do you do for a living?
Buck: Lots of things.
Miles: Where's your office?
Buck: I don't have one.
Miles: How come?
Buck: I don't need one.
Miles: Where's your wife?
Buck: Don't have one.
Miles: How come?
Buck: It's a long story.
Miles: You have kids?
Buck: No I don't.
Miles: How come?
Buck: It's an even longer story.
Miles: Are you my Dad's brother?
Buck: What's your record for consecutive questions asked?
Miles: 38.
Buck: I'm your Dad's brother alright.
Miles: You have much more hair in your nose than my Dad.
Buck: How nice of you to notice.
Miles: I'm a kid - that's my job.

Amazing.

Thanks, John. I'm watching The Breakfast Club this weekend! Who's with me?!?

Love,
Jenna

Sometimes the President gets crunk...

...with a professor and a cop! How's the hangover, Obama? Did you totally bro it out over some brewskies? You guys going biking next week? Maybe catch a game of bowling down in the basement of the White House? Shoot some hoops? Talk about your wives and their crazy PMS shenanigans? Smoke some weed?

Man, I wish I got to hang out with the president. Ah, racism, bringing people closer to the president one stupid arrest at a time.

It's been a weird race week. Glenn Beck claims Obama is racist. Obama is the middle man between the white cop and the black professor. I just found out I'm actually Korean and Jewish. Wait, that's not true.

Speaking of Jews (Did that sound racist?), last night, while waiting in line at The Shake Shack, a young female was standing in a little huddle with her friends when she said (and I promise she said this, I wrote it down): "I grew up a hippie Christian. For years, I wanted to be a pastor. But now I'm an Atheist Jew."

Whaaa? The world is one confusing place, I guess. Obama's bro-ing it out with two dudes who obviously don't like each other, someone in NYC actually thinks it's possible to be a Christian turned Jew who doesn't believe in God and I had to spend my entire week hearing about it. Thank goodness I'm so normal. I'm a normal joke telling lactose intolerant Mormon who hates feet and wants you to follow me on twitter just so I can have more followers than Larry King's wife. Totally normal.

And that is all I have to say, 4 realz.

Love,
Jenna

P.S. If you are in NYC and want to see me make a fool of myself, come watch me tell jokes tomorrow night, Saturday, August 1st (eek it's August!), 7 PM at Broadway Comedy Club (53rd b/t 8th and 9th afternoon). If I like you, know you and you think I'm funny, we can totally hang out after. If you can't come to my show, follow me on twitter. Do it! http://www.twitter.com/jennakimjones

FINALLY!

I will be buying People Magazine this week.



I love the last line in the cover, "...what is really going on and what they think of each other now." Seeing as Screech the Creep was left out, I can imagine what they think of him.

Love,
Jenna

Mid Week Pop Music Pick Me Up 7/29/2009

They're Back! They're Back! They're Back!



They reunite approximately every two years so they really don't get very far. Don't get me wrong, I'm thrilled every time they return. I'm just not surprised. To all those 13 year old girls out there, what The Jonas Brother mean to you, are exactly what the Backstreet Boys mean to me. I'll always love them.

Whatever, I'm normal.

Love,
Jenna

P.S. Yesterday, I met Spinal Tap. It was awesome! Those guys are hilarious. They appeared on TDS and I was able to speak with the band for a second backstage. What a day! Click here to watch!

Jenna Kim's Fake Rumors 7/27/09

You're Too Ugly For My Ears: "Sarah Palin is only interesting because she's got sex appeal. America has never seen such an attractive female politician. In a few years, she won't be as attractive and we'll stop listening to her. " - some guy on CNN (I'm paraphrasing, of course.) Wait a minute, Americans only listen to attractive political female figures? Condi and Hillary and Madeline are flattered.

Heavily Armed Woman: Madonna has nasty arms. Apparently the rest of America discovered that this week, even though I've been talking about them for what seems like forever. Do you think she is training for something? Like J. Lo in Enough? Is she going after Guy Ritchie? Run, Guy, run! That movie not end well for the man.

Candy is good for you, finally: As you've probably heard, blue M&M's help cure AIDS. Oh wait, I'm sorry, I got that wrong. They can help with back problems? Sure. It's actually the blue dye that helps. So drink up the blue die and your back will feel brand new. Who cares that you'll turn bright blue like Violet in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory? I mean, if you're cool with people asking, "Why so blue?" every four minutes, by all means, go for it. Don't say I didn't warn you.

Do you ever see a person and think they look smelly? That's how I feel about Anne Hathaway. And Matthew McCounaughey. Though we all know he smells because he lives outside, on purpose, and he refuses to wear deodorant. Who else smells? Monique probably smells like carbs. And Janice Dickenson smells like a hot glue gun. I bet Cameron Diaz's feet smell. Miley Cyrus smells annoying. And the Jonas Brothers smell like purity, chastity and fine, I'll stop. Oh I'm so mean today!

My newest nickname at work is Jenna Cakes. Does that make me sound fat?

Love,
Jenna

Sometimes youtube...

...makes a comeback in my life. I haven't spent much time watching videos on youtube, except for Backstreet Boy's newest single, "Straight Through My Heart." OMG, I love them. Anyway, there have been a few videos that have gone "viral" or so they say, that I have enjoyed. I especially liked this one as I am a huge fan of all things literal. Check out this video of "Total Eclipse of the Heart." Whoever created this little gem, replaced the lyrics with a description of what is happening in this video, which if you remember, is super bizarro. I particularly love the part about Ninjas because we all know that I think Ninjas are hilarious and friggin' kool. For realz.



You should see the literal dance moves I came up with for the new boy band V-Factory's single, Love Struck. No really, you should.

Love,
Jenna

Mid Week Pop Music Pick Me Up 7/22/09

Do you love white overalls? Yes, diggity! Then you'll love Blackstreet! I'm bringing them back, baby. And don't worry, if you don't like white overalls, they wear denim overalls too.

I heard this song the other night at dinner and found myself singing just about every line of the song. I didn't know I liked it so much!



Blackstreet is no Backstreet...they're much cooler. The group was formed in 1992 and since broke up, but I heard rumors that last year, they reunited and are working on another album. At least that's what Wikipedia told me.

No diggity doubt this song will be stuck in your head for the rest of the day.

Love,
Jenna

Sometimes Nick Lachey...

...is back on the market! This is my chance, ladies and gentlemen, to woo Nick Lachey into my life. But how? I thought you'd never ask!

First of all, let me just tell you that Jessica Simpson and I have all the right things in common and we all know that Jessica Simpson was his first love. J. Simpson and I are both:

1. "fat"
2. blonde
3. bad luck in the best way, of course
4. confused by "Chicken of the Sea"

Thankfully, I don't pretend to be as stupid as she is--she's a secret genius. Which I guess is just another thing she and I have in common, minus the secret. Everybody knows I'm genius or at least suspects it. It's natural.

So...Nick lives in NYC. I live in NYC. He likes sports. I would love to pretend to love sports. He likes girls. I'm happy he likes girls. Sure, he's 12 years older than me. And I may listen to Disney Channel stars when I'm not listening to his glorious voice but I'm like super duper mature for my age for sure.

We'll probably run into each other at Duane Reade and the rest will be history. Then I'll have to erase this post.

Whatever, I'm normal.

Love,
Jenna

Jenna Kim's Fake Rumors 7/20/09

Obama's Got Talent: NBC bumped Obama's upcoming primetime broadcast for "America's Got Talent" featuring a special appearance from "Britain's Got Talent's" Susan Boyle. In a statement, NBC executives said, "Yeah, about that speech, Mr. President, you're kind of a downer and well, people would rather watch a dog play the nose flute. Plus we're more afraid of saying no to Susan Boyle." That's right, Britain's got opera singers and we've got dog's playing a flute with their nose. I personally think a cat playing the piano is more impressive than both.

That Model is Hilarious: Padma Lakshmi, a model, the host of "Top Chef," and "food expert" according to someone at Bravo, is getting her own sitcom. Her acting credits include a role in Mariah Carey's film, "Glitter" and pretending to eat on "Top Chef." Watch out Tina Fey!

Listen Up: My favorite girl pop group has arrived in the USA! Wonder Girls are now on tour with The Jonas Brothers, my other favorite girl group. They sing in Engrish!

Say What?: I heard that 30 Rock was nominated for 2,222 Emmys. And Jimmy Fallon wasn't nominated for any? Whaaaaa?

Love,
Jenna

The Newest Formerly-known-as-the-Ninja-Fund Dare

Uh oh, I'm at it again! Food dare anyone? I'm looking to earn a little cash.

Formerly-known-as-the-Ninja-Fund Dare: Drink a cup of Fresca my niece washed her ketchup hot dog hands in for $4.00

Formerly-known-as-the-Ninja-Fund Total as of 7/16/09: $4.00

Love,
Jenna

Sometimes New Yorkers...

...take to the streets. Ok, not sometimes, all the time. This city is all about pedestrians. Cars are too much of a pain. Paying for a parking spot costs half as much as it does to rent a place which is still more than what you pay anywhere but NYC, plus car insurance, etc. The transit system is pretty darn reliable. It can take you just about anywhere though I don't particularly love traveling underground. Whatever. That's not the point. The point is, pedestrians are King...or Queen...for you feminists out there. Blah.

New Yorkers know how to walk in NYC. Crossing the street quickly, efficiently and whenever we want is something we take pride in. Tourists completely give themselves away by obeying the crosswalk while the rest of us New Yorkers like to stick it to the little white man and walk when we're not supposed to. We're like deer. We wait until we see the car coming and bolt across the street.

I hate when I actually have to wait to cross the street and I turn and there's a jogger jogging in place next to me. Really? Really rubbin' it in, aren't you? Is it actually helping or are you just saying, "Oh, look at me, I'm healthy. I like to jog. Woooo." Settle down, I get it, you're skinny.

Of course, me and skinny pants are both waiting to cross the street six feet into the road already, forcing the cars to go around us. It's like Frogger in reverse. We go and the cars swerve. My favorite pedestrian move, and we all do this, is when a car is coming and we stick our hand up in the air like we're a friggin' Jedi or Superman or something. As if our hand has the power to put up an impenetrable force field that will stop the cab that is racing to get through the light and we've already decided their time is up and it's our turn to cross. It's a casual hand. Raised just high enough to catch the front bumper of the car before it hits us and high enough to infuriate every driver on the road.

Cars and taxis are one thing. They could hit you. But buses and bikes WILL hit you. Honestly, sometimes I think buses are actually looking for people to run over. And bikes, well, don't underestimate the power of the bike. And the power of a pedestrian who gets hit by a bike. Why? One day, I was sitting in a restaurant, eating, enjoying my meal, minding my own business when I look out the window and see a woman get hit by a bike. She and the cyclist both fell to the ground. The biker immediately got up, hopped back on his bike and tried to leave. The pedestrian jumped up, chased after the bike, caught up, pushed him over, sat on his bike and refused to move until the police and ambulance arrived. Of course, when the ambulance arrived, the woman totally milked it. Please, she wasn't hurt. But come on biker, hit and run? Someones an illegal alien.

As you all know, I'm from Utah. There are no pedestrians where I'm from except for one crazy homeless man that hangs out on various corners around the city. When I was a kid, I assumed everyone on the street was homeless. When I moved to NYC, I thought, man, there are a lot of homeless people here. Of course, I quickly realized that although most people might look a little dirty, rough around the edges and often times smell like BO, that's actually just the New York way of life. It toughens you up and leaves you with a city stank. I've actually been mistaken for a homeless person once. For realz. I already blogged about it so I'll spare you the details again but if you must know, click here. And as for the city stink, I recently visited Utah and when my niece walked in the door of my house, she said, "It smells like Jenna!" The stink is real...or my niece is a vampire.

Oh NYC, I've come to terms with the fact that I am yours and you are mine even though you smell like a homeless butt and I'm probably going leave this world like a squished bug on a windshield.

Love,
Jenna

Mid Week Pop Music Pick Me Up 7/15/09

This week's pop group? O-TOWN!?!?!

O-Town was created by P. Diddy in the first season of MTV's hit show, Making The Band. They lasted a measly three years but spawned a lot of other awful pop music reality programs. Their first single, "Liquid Dreams" was absolutely charming. Oh wait, I didn't mean charming, I meant nasty trash. Yes, Liquid Dreams was nasty trash. But believe it or not, it wasn't as bad as their other single, "Every 6 Seconds". They wanted "All or Nothing." Obviously they were getting nothing. Diddy must have had them on a tight leash.

My favorite music video was "We Fit Together" because they were on a boat. For some reason, this song and the boat caught my attention. It's kind of ghetto and again, they sing about embarrassing things similar to the things they sing about in Liquid Dreams but like I said, they were on a boat. Enough said.



Their power ballad, "All or Nothing" uses classic boy band manipulation. You know, the ol' key change, emotionally draining harmonies, and an angst ridden love story. I won't lie. I kind of love it. So click here and enjoy. Dream of love lost and lost found. Think of that special someone. Remember the first time you saw this special someone and wanted to shout from the rooftops, "I'm in LOVE!" While you do that, I'm going to go barf.


Love,
Jenna

Jenna Kim's Fake Rumors 7/13/09

Rumor Mill: My family thinks I'm a lesbian because I hang out with lesbians. It's not that I'm a lesbian, I just don't like hanging out with people who are prettier than me, I'm just sayin'! Oh, come on! Besides Ellen's wife, do you know any REAL lesbians who are pretty? Mischa Barton and Lindsay Lohan don't count. I said real. And no, Zac Efron is NOT a lesbian.

DUH!: Madonna is on steroids. So that explains the man arms. I blame A-Rod and the media and the King of Pop. As he became more and more feminine, Madonna felt the need to become more and more masculine. It only makes sense. The Queen of Pop was worried that her reign was being threatened. Do you think the Queen of England is bothered when people call themselves Queen of _____?

JON & The New KATE: Jon, the less charismatic half of the wildly popular only because they couldn't keep it in their pants Jon and Kate parents of 8, is now dating Kate's Plastic Surgeon's daughter. She's 22. And she wants kids. And a reality TV show. Oh Jon, you'll never learn.

MJ4EVR: It's almost been a week since the memorial but donations are still being accepted from fans of Michael Jackson in order to help pay for the memorial expenses. Please send any donations to me as I have graciously offered to collect them.

Jenna Kim Jones
New York City
10019

Don't worry, the Post Master knows where to find me.

Remember, it's Bastille Day so don't forget to eat a crepe! Mais oui!

Love,
Jenna

Sometimes the party is over...

...and I'm back to work! Yikes! I'm back in NYC, folks. Can you feel it?

I had quite a week in Utah which culminated with four awesome shows at Wise Guys Comedy Club in Salt Lake City. First, I want to say thanks to everyone who came out and saw the show. Second, I want to say thanks to the fantastic comedians at Wise Guys. Keith Stubbs is hilarious! And be sure to check out Spencer King who is headlining at Trolley Square next weekend. He is friggin' funny. That's right, friggin.

Vacation is over and now like I said, I'm back in good ol' NYC. I flew in on the red eye this morning which only reminds me how much I hate flying, let alone flying all night long. So of course, I have a few complaints. Here we go....go.......go.............

How desperate do airlines have to get? It's really pathetic. It's like a girlfriend who gets dumped and then begs for her boyfriend to come back only making her appear more clingy and irritating than ever before. Airlines who are obviously in financial trouble, should be begging for our service and yet they keep making it harder and harder for us to take them back. First, they take away our second bag, then some airlines charge to check a first bag. Then they take away food and leave us with off-brand snacks and one cup, not even the can, of soda. Let me tell you, I'm fine with losing those things. I can handle it. One bag forces me to pack more carefully and airplane food was about as delicious as the plastic food set I gave to my niece for Christmas last year. But did you know, that Jet Blue now charges $7 for a blanket? Airplanes are cold! I was wearing a sweatshirt and jeans and shivered. Shivered me timbers all night long because I was not about to pay $7 for a blanket with so much static, I wouldn't be able to touch a light switch for a week without getting shocked. It's like 4 degrees at 30,000 feet and it felt like someone had cracked a window. I could have taken glamor shots, there was so much wind on that plane. At the end of the flight, the attendants handed out a "hot" towel which was actually a baby wipe that was put in the microwave for no more than ten seconds.

Of course, this is all some lame ploy to get us to buy their blankets but I was not going to fall for it. It was the first time I was grateful to be sitting by a fat person. I just snuggled up to one of his rolls. Or was he snuggling up to mine? Whatever. $7 for a blanket? I could buy a house in Mexico for $7. I could sew 400 blankets in China with $7 and I'm sure they would be nicer than the $7 rip off that flight attendant tried to sell to me. Unfortunately, I'd have to fly to China in order to make those blankets and I might die of pneumonia before I get there but if I did make it, I'd be a friggin' hero. I'm surprised the flight attendant didn't ask me to donate money to MJ's memorial while she was at it. Hey Obama, could we include a little extra stimulus money for airplane blankets? You know what's even more annoying? People who fly first class. They probably have down comforters up there with their bubbly and fine cheeses. Whatever. I'll stick with my cheese crackers shaped like whales and a cup of diet coke.

Blanket revolution! Who's with me?!?!

I'm so over this post, like I'm over MJ's death. Snap! How 'bout that Sarah Palin, huh, quittin' and stuff? And I see Obama's a butt man. What else happened while I wasn't paying attention to the world? I'm about to find out.

Peace out, blogtards. This feels right, don't you think? Yeah, you know you're happy I'm back.

Love,
Jenna

I'm still in Utah...

...and haven't been this out of touch for a while. It's kind of great. Except I miss you tonz, duh.

Anyway...

It's a crazy stand up weekend. 

Come watch me tell jokes this Friday and Saturday!

For all of the deetz, click here. 

Love,
Jenna

Sometimes I go on vacation...

...give me a break!

That's right, I'm in Utah soooo I've been a little lazy about blogging. If you forgive me, I won't call you a nerd for at least a week. But maybe I'll try to blog at some point this week.

In the meantime, watch the news. OH wait, the news is ONLY showing Michael Jackson Memorial coverage. I am bored. Remember when Iran was having a revolution last week? Yeah, I'd like to hear about that. That seems important. Oh and remember when North Korea fired off a bunch of missiles last weekend? I do but CNN doesn't. Michael is dead but his music will live on forever and forever, blah, blah, blah, MOVE ON.

Love,
Jenna

So sometimes I dont recognize people from high school. That guy in the Disneyland proposal went to my high school. THE WHOLE THING WAS A SETUP. He was acting.

Sometimes...wow...

...that's all I can say. Click on the link to watch a video that is either really lame or really cool. It really just depends on you. In my opinion, it's really fake.

Doesn't This Only Happen In Movies?

Shared via AddThis

Kevin Jonas, the oldest of Disney's very own Jonas Brothers recently got engaged. I showed this clip to my coworker and her first reaction was, "Wow, he's really outshining Kevin Jonas." So true, Kevin. You got served.

Love,
Jenna

Mid Week Pop Music Pick Me Up 7/1/09

It's shocking that a boy band this good wasn't organized by Simon Cowell. When I was 13, these four British beaus serenaded me through a long awkward summer. Not only were the boys of BBMak my summer loves but when they made an appearance on, what I still consider to be the greatest Disney television show ever, Even Stevens, I fell in love. I downplayed my feelings for these lovely men of Liverpool because I worried that if I fanned these love flames, those feelings could exceed those of my beloved Backstreet Boys.

Until now, I never questioned their band name (though I just realized how feminine the name actually sounds. Keep in mind, they're European.) There are three members of BBMak: Mark Barry, Christian Burns and Stephen McNally. Get it?

Most of BBMak's songs sound exactly the same but their good looks make up for the lacking melodies. Yes, they are hot. Not only do they sound the same, they all kind of look the same too. But again like I said, they are very attractive so when you watch their music videos, you never have the "Joey" moment. You know, the few times in an NSYNC video where they give Joey camera time. Ew. With BBMak, it's all cute all the time. Did I mention they're adorable? Because they are. Seriously, BBMak withstood the test of time. No overalls, no hoop earrings, no long hair or braided hair, no baggy clothing. These guys were ahead of their time.

Enjoy their song, "Back Here"



Love,
Jenna

Sometimes I take a trip...

...to Utah to

1. celebrate America
2. see my family
3. perform stand up comedy at Wise Guys Comedy Club

Seriously, Utah, I'm on my way. And while I'm visiting, Wise Guys Comedy Club has been so kind as to let me perform July 10th and 11th at their Trolley Square location in Salt Lake City. More details to come but until then, you'd better mark your calendars because you now have hilarious plans with me.

Love,
Jenna

Jenna Kim's Fake Rumors 6/29/09

Let's Review - What a week! So many different kinds of people died. A super hot model/actress, a noseless king, a legendary voice and that guy who shouted at me when I was half asleep in front of the television. And of course, Jeff Goldblum. Yikes. What's going on?

I Can't Hear You - Do as I'm doing and ignore the fact that another plane crashed in the Ocean last night. I'm flying this weekend. Thankfully over no oceans. I really don't want want to crash, it's so cliche these days. And can you imagine crashing in Oklahoma? Gross.

Life's a B.... - Madoff is in prison for 150 years or 21 dogs years. Time sounds better in dog years. Not that I feel bad for him. The real victim here is his wife who now because of her husband's wrong doings has to sell her $50,000 fur. I'm not sure how she'll be able to forgive him. You can find the fur on e-bay. The current bid is $4.50.

Dude, Really? - Simon Cowell wants up to $144 million a year to judge American Idol contestants. So do I but it ain't never gonna happen. Come on Simon, really? That seems a little excessive. What are you going to do with all that money? Unless you need the money to create Spice Girls the Next Generation, Five II and get a little surgery to fix the man boobs, I think you can afford to take a hit in your salary. Actually, Simon recently said that he would negotiate for about $75 million a year as long as he recieved a lifetime supply of Hanes deep v-neck t-shirts size tight.

Love,
Jenna

Sometimes a legend dies...

...goodbye Jeff Goldblum. We'll miss you.

Ok, ok, Jeff Goldblum is still alive BUT that was, what I thought, an hilarious Twitter rumor started yesterday after MJ passed.

Just in case you missed it...

MICHAEL JACKSON is DEAD.

Mark Sanford is lucky because no one cares about him anymore. And poor Farrah Fawcett has been upstaged by Jacko. You think he could have waited and died a few days later. RUDE.

Do you think Michael will come back to life in time for his concerts in London? I sure hope so.

Anyway, I ran out of time to write today and I am about to leave work and I really just want to go home and watch a movie because the weather is a total beeeeeyotch.

I love you guys. Really. I do. Stay you.

Love,
Jenna

Mid Week Pop Music Pick Me Up 6/24/09

Somethings tells me this group is from Sweden.

Why? Sweden loves Abba and this pop group loves singing Abba songs. "A"*Teens...Abba Teens...get it? Their first album was dedicated to Abba remakes. Though the only scene when you might listen to their version of "Mama Mia" would involve DDR or an old Now That's What I Call Music CD at a sleepover when you were 12. Or maybe that's just me.

Eventually the group branched out and sang a few of their own songs as well which is actually when those of us who watched Disney Channel growing up were introduced to their song, "Upside Down." It's my personal favorite. Any song that references dancing on the ceiling (thanks Lionel) is a personal favorite.

Oh Sweden and your glorious pop. Abba, A*Teens, Ace of Base. They're obsessed with the two boy, two girl combination. To each Country his own. Americans love a pop group that consists of five boys or five girls. Mess with that winning format and you will never reach the top of the pop group list. Why do you think 98 Degrees failed to keep up with NSYNC or Backstreet Boys? They needed that extra member to complete the perfect five part harmony and the classic "'V" dance formation. Duh.

Enjoy A*Teens. They broke up years ago so their few songs are all we have left.

Love,
Jenna

Sometimes only YOU...

...can make comedy happen. That's right folks, I need your help again. I have a show on July 16th and once again, if you don't come, I don't get any stage time.

So e-mail me at jenna@jennakimjones.com to let me know that you are coming to my show. The last time I performed at this club, it was packed and people were turned away so please make your reservations ASAP and remember to arrive early or you won't get in! The details are below!

Super Ego Comedy Showcase!
New York Comedy Club (241 East 24th b/t 2nd and 3rd)
Thursday July 16 9:00 PM
$10 cover ($8 w/ Student ID) + 2 drink minimum
Please e-mail me for a reservation ASAP (jenna@jennakimjones.com)

I know it's on a Thursday but don't be lame...it's the summer...you can handle starting your weekend a little early. It will be fun. Super fun.

Love,
Jenna

Jenna Kim's Fake Rumors 6/22/09

BABY GOT BACK: The more bounce in your booty, the more jiggle in your wiggle, the more junk in your trunk: THE LONGER YOU LIVE and you're probably one of those rap guy's girlfriend. According to a study done up in "Canada" (keep reading...you'll like Canada after this) carrying a few extra pounds around i.e. being a little "chubby" adds years to your life. If you love life, which you obviously do if you are already chubby, then stay chubby and you might get to enjoy it a little longer with your best friend cheesecake and his much different and equally delicious cousin cheese fries. No wonder skinny people are so miserable. They have no fatty food friends. After reading this study, Hollywood Celebrities are going on strike until they are allowed to eat again which seems weird to me because I'm pretty sure once you reach FAME, you're going to live forever.

NOW HIRING CELIBACY: Get paid to NOT have sex without becoming a Nun! In Greensboro, North Carolina, teenage girls are being paid to NOT get pregnant. Seriously. Every day you don't get pregnant, you get $1.00. Good for you! You didn't have sex and get pregnant! The money goes into an interest-bearing college fund that the winners collect if they don't have a baby when they graduate from high school. However, if you and whoever can't keep your clothes on you get pregnant, not only will your hard earned money be divided evenly among the other ladies but you will also be silently judged. If you drop out of high school completely, you actually have to pay $1.00 for every day you missed because you were with child. How 'bout them apples? If you are interested in earning $1.00 a day and you live in North Carolina and would like more information click here.

When you become a politician and you sneak away on a cruise with your girlfriend, don't come back. We're over it.

Love,
Jenna

Sometimes I wonder if my dentist...

...thinks before he speaks.

My dentist in Utah still thinks I'm 14 which is fine, whatever. He's as weird as you'd expect any dentist to be. Perhaps some of you or your parents are dentists. That's great but I never met a dentist who isn't a little bizarro. I think it's all vacation time they get. Dentists are just too relaxed.

Well I thought my old dentist was a goof until I met Dr. Whateveryournameis (I really can't remember his name because even when I was staring at his name tag, I wasn't sure how to even begin to pronounce it) this morning at 8 AM. Because it was my first visit, my dentist wanted to perform my teeth cleaning personally so he could "get to know my mouth." Is that harassment? I can't decide but I'm leaning towards yes. He looked in my mouth, poked at my teeth and gums and then started to feel up my jaw. He was rubbing both sides of my face when he asked, "Have you always had such a strong jaw and such round cheeks?"

Oh dear. I couldn't help what happened next...the words just spewed from my mouth.

You know, Dr. Skelfhsiekbwei, my jaw wasn't always this strong but after years of what I call, stuffing-my-face-strength-training, I'm finally starting to see results. Thankfully, I've got these round cheeks from all that eating to support the strong jaw you've been massaging. Come on, really? Now even my jaw is fat? Listen up, dentist man, I'm big bone. Give me a break, I grew up in a big, strong and...big family. If you wanted to eat, you had to fight for your food and if you didn't end a meal sweaty, you weren't going to survive. So maybe, just maybe, all the chewing strengthened my jaw. And as for my chubby cheeks, well, maybe I retain a lot of water...or I'm tubby. I don't know. You tell me, you're the "doctor."

I sure told him. Okay fine, in reality, I said nothing because my teeth were covered in polish (which, by the way, is never thoroughly rinsed out leaving me with gritty mouth) and there was a hose sucking up any and all moisture in my mouth (I think my tongue started to shrivel up at one point).

Whatever. I like my jaw. And actually, I kind of liked the dentist. He didn't mess around, he's going to fix my teeth, and he takes my insurance. So basically, he's the man and he's going to get to know my mouth whether he likes it or not. Though from the way he was feeling up my jaw, I think he kind of liked it.

Love,
Jenna, the Beached Whale

Mid Week Pop Music Pick Me Up 6/17/09

I know I promised a little Aaron Carter but I've been thinkin' (more like dreamin') about these guyz the last few days.

The one on the left is my favorite.

These are the baddest (perhaps in more ways than one if you're a hater) white boyz of boy band music history. Ok they're at least in the top five. But seriously, these guys take boy bands to a whole new level with their exaggerated attempt to look and sound like they can rap.

5ive was created by Simon Cowell which only confirms that the man really is the genius he makes us all believe he is. And that genius totally makes up for his man boobs.

I've blogged this story before but I have to tell it once more. When I was young, like 10, 11, maybe 12, I bought 5ive's single, "Baby When the Lights Go Out" and listened to it secretly in my room because I didn't want my mom to know I was listening to such a scandalous song.

Click here if you want to see these British beaus sing about turning the lights off in a bowling alley with some super rockin' chicks. Boy bands love bowling. I love bowling. We should totally hang out.

Honestly, I didn't know that 5ive released any other songs in the US after "Baby When The Lights Go Out," because it was at that point in my life when I discovered the Backstreet Boys. So I just discovered the next two songs as well.

Follow this link for "Everybody Get Up." Best line of the chorus: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5ive will make you get down now." Get it? It's clever because they are counting to five but the name of their group is also 5ive.

Another one of their winning singles? "Slam Dunk Da Funk." That's right ladies, Zac Efron wasn't the first heartthrob to play basketball and dance. Do you want to get down? Do you want to get funky? Slam Dunk da Funk and click here.

My conclusion: 5ive is obsessed with getting down though I'm not sure they even know what that means.

Love,
Jenna

This new weekly post is completely self indulgent. I love it.

Jenna Kim's Fake Rumors 6/15/09

You Must Be Joking - Tyra Banks has a boyfriend. Heidi Montag Pratt thinks she is a modern day Mother Teresa. And Katie Holmes Cruise is performing a dance routine on So You Think You Can Dance on July 8th. Though these are not rumors, these facts make me feel weird.

Rihanna 2.0 - Chris Brown is dating a girl who looks exactly like Rihanna. She too is a singer whose latest album is called, "-ella, -ella, -ella," with hits like, "Cinderella," "Big Fella," and "What's up, Stella." I'm going to write a song for her called, "Run The Hellaway" and in the music video, she will dance around in point shoes with an umbrella and not get beat up by Chris Brown. (Silly, rich, pathetic boy. I wish I didn't love his music so much.)

Good View - The "women" of The View made Heidi and Spencer Pratt look as stupid as they actually are (not that they don't already do that; they were just actually called out on their inane behavior) on TV the other day. It was the most refreshing thing I've seen on that show since...never. I almost liked Joy. If you want to watch it, click here.

Phew - You can relax, Shia LeBeouf didn't say anything creepy about his mother last week. But there's always this week. I wonder if I'm anything like his mother. Yep, you can always count on me to say something creepy this week.

Boozin' It Up - The Hangover was the #1 movie again this weekend only because people couldn't remember that they had already seen it thanks to the wild partying they did after they saw it the first time. I call it The Hangover hangover.

It's a weak week, I know. Whatever, I'm JK.

U r totes def m'fav.

Love,

Jenna

Sometimes secrets...

...are just too good to keep.

The Jonas Brothers are having a FREE secret concert tonight at Irving Plaza in Union Square. So if you love being around high pitched screaming or you have a thing for tweens in tight jeans, come on down for a rockin' night. Apparently there are already 500 people on line so make sure you wear a helmet and bring a knife.

For more details, click here.

Love,
Jenna

Mid Week Pop Music Pick Me Up 6/10/09

Sometimes girl pop groups sounds like chipmunks. And in this week's Pop Music Pick Me Up, I'm highlighting a little group called, Play, who could very easily rival Alvin and his possy. Play released a couple of songs in the late 90's and early 00's but they were never quite as successful at Diddy's group, Dream, which is probably one of my favorite girl group sensations besides The Spice Girls. (If you are following anything I'm saying, you either watched a lot of Disney Channel as a kid or you are a perv because I'm pretty sure these ladies are still underage.) Their dancing is weak but their crimped hair makes up for it. Duh. Please enjoy the evolution of Play...

The first song is sweet, innocent, charming, naive.



Then the vices of the world force these ladies to walk the "edgy" line.



And when edgy didn't work, they disappeared.

If I were going to start a pop group, I would call it, "A-Sass." The girls would be forced to use sassy names that end in the letter "A" like, Lisa, Monica, Dana, and of course, Jenna. (Obviously, I'd be the star.) Our first single would be called, "Sassy Girl" and in every song after that, we'd mention "the love doctor" who would be a recurring character in our music videos played by Enrique Iglesias. Though I'm going to need Timbaland or Timberland to back me up if we want to be legit.

Get ready for next week's pop music pick me up. I'm thinking, Aaron Carter. I've got more than a few words to say about that kid.

Love,
Jenna