Sometimes American Idol visits...

...Saaaaalt Laaaaake Citttyyyyy: my home away from home away from home.  That makes sense, I promise.

I just finished watching this week's episode of AI and I'm still taking it all in.  Let's chat for a minute about this episode so I can get some sleep:   

1.  OMG, Utahns are like so gosh darn it all nice!  They were grateful through tears of rejection!  They smiled after hours of waiting in line, wishing, hoping, praying...for a chance to...say something nice on the camera?  Seriously, the producers did everything they could to find some crazy for that episode and it was still the most bland episode, probably ever.  Even the bad singers were decent. 

2.  An Osmond?  Really?  He had to audition?  He really doesn't have any other connections in the music business?  Really?

3.  Utah is a beautiful state full of beautiful people.  Why do you think I had to leave?  In Utah, I'm  a 2 but in New York City I'm at least a 6 or a 7.   But seriously, there are about 9 ugly people in Utah and apparently ALL of them think they are the next American Idol.  Utah, a state with a population of over 2,000,000 people, has less than 10 ugly people.   And you lucky viewers saw them all.   

In the end, I saw some of my old friends, acquaintances, singing nemesis, nemesi, nemesises?  And I thought, wow, I'm so glad that's not me.  

I can't wait to be made fun at work today.  

Thanks American Idol.  And thank you, happy happy Utahns.  

Love,

Jenna

P.S. The girl who sings like Amy Winehouse?  The stay at home mom?  Still confused?  Of course you are.  Because every 22 year old that made it through to Hollywood already had a kid or two.  Well, if you can remember this one, the one I'm talking about, well, she already has music on itunes.  Is that allowed?  

Sometimes ugly...

...goes too far.  

Tonight I'm bringing you entertainment news.  Stop pretending you don't care and read.

Ugly Betty is going on hiatus.  Why?   Braces, unibrow, out of control frizz, horrible sweaters, nagging personality.  It all adds up to one thing: Ugly Betty it just too ugly.  Remember the movie, "She's All That."  Of course you do.  Ugly in that movie meant Rachael Leigh Cook with glasses.  Now that's the kind of ugly Americans want to watch.  Americans don't need to watch ugly people on TV because Americans have to stare at themselves in the mirror everyday.  And lastly, I'll believe just about any story line you throw at me but I refuse to believe that Betty's personality is so good she can attract two smokin' hot guys who are willing to risk their own beauty in a fist fight for her affection.  No, leave ugly people to the real world, The Real World, or any other crappy reality program starring that rapper with the giant clock around his neck.  

This just in: Rod Blago and Jackie Chan are going to appear together in an ad campaign for Head and Shoulders.  Blago couldn't be happier; he could really use the work right now.

It's a match made in hair heaven.  It would make Jonathan Antin cry tears of joy or beeyotchie jealousy. 

Robbie Williams is moving back to the UK.  No, not Robin, Robbie.  You know, the guy who sang that song.  It was on the radio occasionally a couple of years ago.  He misses England.  And the career he left over there.  Poor guy.

American Idol runner up, David Archuleta, is going on tour this year sponsored by AARP.  His opening act is Clay Aiken.  Old ladies everywhere were thrilled to hear that Clay was so "happy" this past year but couldn't figure out why everyone kept talking about it.  Don't ruin this for your Grandma.  Tickets for the Archuleta/Aiken tour go on sale at retirement homes near you. *

I miss the Spice Girls.

That is all.

Love,

Jenna

*Sorry Sara.  

P.S. I'd like to give a shout out to the lovely people I got to Chat 'n Chew with at dinner this evening.  It was great to be with old friends.  I needed it.  Let's do it again soon but not too soon or we might get sick of each other.  And there I go again, ruining this special moment for everyone.  

 

So so so so sometimes...

...you have to fight off winter depression by NOT eating an entire bag of Sun Chips in two days and then running seven miles the next day in order to feel less guilty.  That is NOT how you win over the winter blues.  You should also NOT read three depressing books in the row and find yourself crying in bed over people who don't exist.  Ugh.  I thought I wasn't a crier.  I may have changed.   Finally, I'm growing a conscience.  

Why are January and February so "G-dang" depressing?  (Yes, I typed G-dang.)

Well...

It's cold (except in SoCal, yeah, yeah, yeah, we get it...).  Valentine's Day is around the corner. Christmas left everybody fat.  Hmm, what else?  

Kate Winslet is going to win a million more oscars, for good reason but seriously, how many does she need?  (She should melt all of her awards together and make one giant oscar. ) Brad Pitt can make creepy movies about old perverted babies, throw Hurricane Katrina in it for no reason and still recieve more nominations than Slumdog Millionaire.  I'm almost 23 and I still misspell the word receive.  Ex-Governor Blago (there is no chance of me spelling his real name correctly) is a total freak.  Seriously, what is wrong with that man?  I think he traded his brain for that hair (Although Oprah could have almost been a Senator).  The economy still stinks and it isn't going to get better anytime soon.  I have to pay taxes this year.  What's next?  Are you going to tell me that Pluto isn't a planet or something?  Aw, crap.  You already told me that.  Aaahhh, what else is going on?  Don't tell me there's a salmonella outbreak?  In peanut butter?  I just bought the Costco two pack!  The gallon tubs are stored in my closet next to my giant role of bubble wrap, my collection of BBC DVD's and a 12 pack of toothbrushes!  

What is wrong with the world???

I need to chill out.  I need to find a reason for the season.  I need to change my 'tude.  

There has to be some good to talk about.  

Should I mention that I just ruined two batches of cookies?  Oh and technically I lost $100,000 in a bet with my mom yesterday.  I say technically because I didn't sign anything so I'm not sure it's legit.  If she sues me for her money, I owe her $10 a day for just over 27 years and that doesn't include interest.  

Alright, alright, on to the good.  Here are some ways to cope with and get through the next couple of months:

1.  Indian dancing.  Indians, as in, people from India.  I just googled "Indian Dancing" and I think I'm supposed to refer to it as Dance in India.  I think we all need a lesson from Bollywood, who proves that that dancing in movies makes everybody happy.  For example (and I realize this isn't a "Bollywood" movie but it is still set in India): the dancing at the end of Slumdog Millionaire makes the whole story worth it, poop dive and all.  

2.  Kelly Clarkson has a new single out which sounds pretty much exactly like "Since You've Been Gone."  Enjoy Kelly and her new single.  You know you loved "Since You've Been Gone."  All of you, loved that song, you did and you still do.  You know you blast it during the bitter phase of every break up you've had since that song was born.  Her new single is called, "My Life Would Suck Without You."  Classy and catchy.   

3.  American Idol started again.  Now before you groan because you are SO TOTALLY OVER AI, just think about it this way.  For the first month and a half all the show does is highlight the weirdos who the producers have somehow manipulated into thinking are good singers so Simon can then crush their dreams, ambition, spirit, soul, etc.  Now you can feel bad for them OR you can realize that there are people out there who are more oblivious to reality, more socially awkward and more unattractive than you are in order to boost your own self esteem/ego.   You really are sick.  I would never do that because I grew a conscience.  Yeah, that's right, I'm better than you.  Ha.

4.  Now about that Christmas weight.  Focus on the good parts that are left on your body unless of course you REALLY let go, in which case, good luck.  At least your toes didn't gain weight unless of course they did.  Is that even possible?  Or at least you can wear that sweater that your aunt gave you that you don't really like but hides a new bulge or two.  Or at least you can live in denial and wear those size 4 pants that were obviously sized wrong.  Yes, that's the answer.  Live in denial.  You and Blago.

5.  Lastly, tell someone you love him/her unless of course you ACTUALLY love him/her and there's a chance that he/she might not love you back.  That is a bad idea.  So in fact, maybe you should keep your feelings to yourself for now and just try to be a little nicer to him/her tomorrow.  We're not in Kindergarten anymore.  If you want his attention, stop hitting and put on a shorter skirt.  If you want her attention, don't pull her hair, pull out the cash. 

I feel better already!  Now where did I put those Sun Chips...

Love love,

Jenna the Cool, according to the Drew who took me to Homecoming in 2003.  Thank you Drew, for giving my family more reason to make fun of me.  I deserve it.  (If you don't know what I'm talking about, please see the comments under the the post titled "Sometimes Plane Crashes...")

I found these glasses at Party City. I didn't buy them.  I know, I know.  Why would I not buy a pair of sunglasses I'm obviously cool enough to pull off, right?  What do you think, Drew?

Sometimes New York winters...

...mess with your head.

The temperature was a smokin' 44 degrees tonight. It felt warm. No kidding. I walked around in a light jacket. And yes, I got a little sweaty.

New York City has that kind of influence. It warps your brain into thinking crazy things are normal.

Ever been to Wal-Mart? Well, everything that Wal-Mart sells is at least four times more expensive in New York City. So every time I visit Wal-Mart, particularly in Utah, I walk around in awe of their low prices. It makes my mom so angry.

Jenna: Oh my gosh, that is SOOOO cheap. In New York, that would be at least $8.00.
Janae: Eggs cost that much?
Jenna: They could. Oh my gosh, toothpaste is only $2.00? You are so lucky.
Janae: You lived in Utah for years and years. You know it's less expensive to live here.
Jenna: I know but I forget. You are kidding me. Chocolate chips are only $1.50?
Janae: I want to smack you. Who are you?

Cupcakes. Why do New Yorkers pay at least $2.50 for a measly little lard-cake that I could make for like .08 cents in my apartment? Because it's cool or something? I do it all the time. It's ret*rded. I'm ret*rded.

New Yorkers put up with the absolute worst customer service on earth. I'm convinced. If there is one city that needed to outsource their customer service, it's New York City. Tonight, when I checked out of the CVS Pharmacy, the cashier was reading Us Weekly, listening to her ipod and successfully carrying on a conversation with the cashier next to her. When I forgot to push the button to say, "No" to cash back, she freaked out like I was wasting her time. Like I was putting her out. Like she was in some big hurry to finish the "Celebrities are Just Like Us!" page (Oh my gosh, Jennifer Aniston eats sandwiches for lunch? Are you telling me that Kate Hudson wears shoes outside? And Anne Hathaway breathes oxygen too? No friggin' way!). Then I said, "Have a good night." to this lovely girl and she replied, "Yeah." without looking up from her magazine as she swatted her hand around in front of her like I was a fly buzzing around her head. I have similar experiences to this just about everywhere I go. Unless of course, the cashier is a male with a thing for blondes. Then I'm sexually harassed instead.

Oh and did I mention that when it's 44 degrees in the winter, it feels warm?

That is all.

Love,
Jenna

Sometimes people have second...

...thoughts. Before each of my siblings were married, my mom, up until the night before the wedding, even minutes before, would tell them, "You don't have to do this. You can back out at any minute."

I wonder how Barack feels on the eve of his inauguration. Is he sure that he really wants to be president?

Listen Barack, if you need to, you can back out. If you feel nervous or worried like something isn't right, you don't have to do this. If the country is way too jacked up for you to deal with, now is your chance to escape the bonds of Presidency. Get out while you still can: it's summertime in Australia, it's always hot in Thailand and not only is it always beautiful in Bermuda but you never have to wear shoes! Carefree fun in the sun!

Shoot, I wouldn't want to be president right now (or ever).

Good luck, dude.

Change is coming or so we hope!

Love love,
Jenna

Sometimes plane crashes...

...have happy endings for everyone. Well, almost everyone.

R.I.P. Flock of Geese

Yesterday, about five minutes after I sent an e-mail complaining about how bored I was at work, a plane crashed into the Hudson River, literally a block from my work. I immediately sent another e-mail apologizing for what my boredom caused as I watched 155 people be rescued from a sinking plane.

I've been watching the news all day, as usual, listening to accounts from passengers on the plane in yesterdays "Miracle on the Hudson."

There is one "survivor" in particular, whose stories get better and better. With every interview, his story became more heroic-ly cliche. "Women and children were the first to get off. People were panicking but I tried to keep calm." I kept waiting for him to announce when his new album was going to drop or give us his blogspot address. Maybe there is a special someone out there he is trying to impress? He had a big day but did he really have to wear that hat?

I know, I know, I shouldn't judge, he had a hard day, blah blah blah. But everyone is a critic, so don't judge me! The day after the Golden Globes, I found myself and a couple of my co-workers sitting in front of a computer looking at pictures of all the celebs glammed out on eonline.com. Each of us had an opinion. And really, do we deserve to have an opinion about the fashion choices of celebrities? Do we have the right to judge celebrities at all?

Yes.

So let's talk about Beyonce. She looked fantastic at the Golden Globes. She's quite stunning when she's standing in one place. But when that beauty decides to "sing" and "dance," something happens and I have to stop and ask, "What is going on?!?" I've actually seen her perform live and I was so concerned, I nearly called 911. When she dances, is she actually that uncoordinated, having a seizure or just trying to get water out of her ears? And when she sings, is it necessary for her to eat the microphone? I can't imagine that settles well in the stomach. I promise, Beyonce, your microphone is not a donut. It is a piece of technology that projects your voice for you. There is no reason to scream. Anyway, at least she looked good at the Golden Globes.

Hey, guess what? Mall Cop came out in theaters today. Woot, woot! I guarantee it's better than Bride Wars, which I may or may not have seen last weekend.

Lastly, before I leave to do something much less productive, I have decided who I would like to punch in the face. (For those of you who don't know, it is a lifelong desire of mine to punch someone in the face.) The lucky recipient of my power punch is someone who I've grown to despise the last few months. Everyday at 3:00 PM, I cringe as his voice fills the room. Who am I talking about? Mr. Rick Sanchez of CNN. He is the absolute worst. The worst. I'd rather watch Beyonce perform a million times if that meant I never had to listen to that man again. He makes me detest my own generation for using twitter, myspace and facebook in his attempt to use them. On one of his many unfortunate episodes, he allowed himself to be tasered. You know what? He'd probably let me punch him willingly for the sake of "journalism." How that has to do with journalism, I have no idea. Yet he would claim that it did.

So plane crashes, Beyonce, Mall Cop and Rick Sanchez. I'm a total hater today, my friends. But hey, at least I'm not bored?

Love love,
Jenna

Sometimes I think I'd like to be remembered...

...as a trailblazer. Isn't that what everyone wants?

That's what Roland Burris wants (If you don't know who Roland Burris is, please return to earth and watch the news immediately). And that is why he made himself a mausoleum with all of his major (and not so major) accomplishments carved on it. You know he's still living, right? Right. And Mausoleum's are for dead people, right? Right.

I don't know about you but I totally get it. What if he died and someone forgot to mention that he was first African American Foreign Exchange Student to go to Germany? He'd have to haunt that little kid who sees dead people for help. As if that little kids know how to chisel granite, right?

Well this whole situation has me thinking, pondering, wondering, dreaming, etc. What have I accomplished? What would I carve into my mausoleum?

Jenna Kim Jones
Best Trailblazer Ever
R.I.P.

• Could have been a celebrity in Thailand
• Student of the Month - January 1997
• American Express Card Member since June 2007
• Lifetime Stats: Won 17 games of BINGO, 13 games of Uno and 1 round of Scum.
• 2nd Place in Carnival Cruise Karaoke Competition
• Asian Club Treasurer

Since I'm not dead yet, my mausoleum is currently located on my mom's front lawn. You can see if for free, touch it for $2.00 and sign it for $5.00. All profits will be donated to my soon to be renamed Ninja Fund.

Love,
Jenna

Sometimes I fall off the wagon...

...but can you really blame me?   Oprah fell off the wagon too.   Let's blame her!  Thankfully, I didn't fall off the wagon in the Land of Letting Myself Completely Go (that's right folks, Christmas is over and my jeans still fit) like Ms. O.  No, I landed somewhere in between the Land of Lazy, Busy, Blah, Blah, Blah and the Island of No Good Excuse for Not Writing on my Blog.  Ugh, I'm like so  totally lame!  Forgive me?  Great.  Let's move on because this chica is back on the wagon.

It's 2009!

Whooptie-Woo!

But seriously, I can't believe 2008 is over.  It was another successful year for almost everyone except for the majority of home owners across the country, most investment banks, American Auto Makers, Republicans, Jesse Jackson and economies around the world!

Here are a few of the good things that happened:

1.  College Graduation starring Jenna: a true story so it's time you finally believe me

2.  WebMD was wrong:  brain infection, kidney failure and tumors in various parts of my body were all false alarms--Sorry Mom

3. The invention of Garden Salsa Sun Chips: a true gift to the world but mostly my stomach

4. The Barack-Attack: pronounced Barawk-Attauwk

5.  China wowed the world: wins Gold in everything from diving, archery and forged birth certificates

6.  Finally, he's officially guilty: OJ's Jury wrote the book called, "No Ifs About It: He Did It, We Know How and He's Going to Jail."

Yep, quite a year.  

Oh and before I go, I want to ask you one thing: 

Are we human?  Or are we dancer?

Love,

Jenna

    

Sometimes people mistake me for...

...a pretty person.  Sometimes not.  

Most recently, an East Village hippie hipster mistook me for a homeless person.  As I stood on the corner waiting for the little white man to give me the go ahead, the hipster came up to me, mentioned the cold weather, hard times and offered me his left over entree from a "delicious vegetarian place down the street."  Really? Really?  Excuse me, but do I look like...

...a vegetarian?  Hells no.  

Then I went to McDonald's and ate two Big Macs just to make sure I wasn't.

Maybe I should take a shower and stop wearing that sign around my neck that says, "Homeless. Family was killed by Ninjas.  Need money to take Ninja lessons."  That or I should add, "Also NOT a vegetarian."  

Love,

Jenna

Sometimes our hearts are softened...

...and I'm a changed woman.

Fact: I've never respected Star Trek. I love making fun of those weirdo kids who speak trekie language and go to conferences to nerd each other and the rest of the guests at the Holiday Day Inn out.

Confession: If anyone could change my mind about Star Trek, it's J.J. Abrams. The preview for his new Star Trek movie is AWESOME. There, I said it. I feel so much better. I've been carrying around that guilt bomb for a couple of days now and I couldn't take it anymore.

Folks, I'm excited for the new Star Trek movie.

Watch the preview.

Wow, I'm exhausted. I need to big gulp as soon as possible. (big gulp: verb meaning to drown away all emotions by drinking 32-64 ounces of Diet Coke from 7/11, on the rocks of course. One of the many words that will be in Jenna's Dictionary of Fake and/or Half Words. Coming soon, nowhere near you.)

Love,
Jenna