If the ipod were a religion, baptize me.

For those of you who know me, you know that I am a BIG, HUGE, for those of you who still think this word is original, "GI-NORMOUS," fan of the Backstreet Boys. They were the only boys who were there for me when I was 12 and even more painfully awkward than I might be right now. Every good BSB ballad is an angst filled tribute to love, usually bad love or love gone wrong, with a key change so intense, so powerful, it rips into your heart like Beaches, Steel Magnolias, Terms of Endearment and (spoiler alert) every other movie that Julia Roberts, or an actress similar to her, dies in. Their songs are more heartfelt than any episode of Extreme Makeover: Home Edition, more emotional than an American Idol farewell montage, and more romantic than a sheepskin rug, the beach at sunset, OR late night runs to McDonalds. With the invention of the ipod, I have been able to carry my BSB collection in my pocket everywhere I go. I wasn't a believer in the ipod when it was invented. I bought my first and only ipod in May of 2005 at NYU's computer store. It was the strangest piece of technology I had ever operated. THEN, after I finally figured out how it worked, something amazing, something beautiful, something only someone with the same love of BSB could understand and I was an ipod believer. It was fall 2005:

Insert dream like music.

Dissolve to: Spring St. right outside the C/E Train exit

I was coming home from a successful interview for a potential internship, this time at the Montel Williams Show, (yes, MONTEL) feeling especially like a hip New Yorker in my new, very professional looking black pea coat. At the moment I was soaring because I was listening to "Incomplete" from my boys' album Never Gone.

(Imagine these lyrics sung by beautiful boys with perfect harmony.)

"I don't wanna drag it on,
but I can't seem to let you go,
I don't wanna make you
face this world aaaaaaaallloooooooooone!"

(Pause...
followed by heartbreaking key change)

"I TRIED
to go on like I never knew you...."

It was during the pause that I looked up and saw Mr. Bloom. Mr. ORLANDO BLOOM! At first glance, I thought, do I know him? Then it hit me like my older sister Ashley used to do when she claimed that everything I did was irritating, including my breathing patterns: I am staring at LEGOLAS. He took another puff of his cigarette and our eyes met. For a good 10 seconds, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, we made eye contact.

The song was blaring, my heart was rushing: Orlando Bloom was staring at me. In my eyes, he probably saw a look of love. In his eyes, I saw, "Don't make a scene, but yes, I love you too..."

After I realized what was happening, I quickly turned my head away and floated down Spring St. I traveled half a block and turned around to look behind. He was still standing there. All alone. After another block, I wanted to go back and profess my love but when I turned around he was out of my view and out of my life forever.

The Backstreet Boys song ended, I continued to walk towards Broadway and my sad existence in the Broome St. Dorms. Not wanting the moment to end, I repeated "Incomplete" and it was clear that my life would be incomplete with out him.

Fade out:

End Scene.

Every time my ipod randomly shuffles onto this immortal song, I cry one tear, in honor of Mr. Bloom. Bless the Backstreet Boys. Bless Mr. Bloom. Bless New York City. Bless my sweet little green ipod mini.

Like I said, if the ipod were a religion, baptize me.

The Ninja Fund

On Saturday night, I went to dinner with my friends (not a joke) at a delicious Italian restaurant in Tribeca called Ivy's Bistro. Mmmm, I ate off of every plate on the table except for Adam's shrimp soup. And it's not because you can't eat soup from a plate either. He ate the soup from a bowl. Regardless, I can't lie, the shrimp soup looked disgusting. I didn't have the heart to tell him that to his face so I waited until now to say it. While I enjoyed some of Adam's lobster ravioli and Sara's meatloaf, we discussed how lame our eating habits are. I think I eat at the same three "restaurants" ALL THE TIME. It gets a little boring but I don't want to waste money on food that might not be yummy and filling all in one. Anyway, during this deep conversation, Adam mentioned a restaurant called Ninja. He claimed that there are legit ninja warriors/waiters, serving authentic Japanese food in an atmosphere similar to a place where ninja's might live(?). As you can imagine, for an experience like this, you have to be willing to pay. I am VERY willing to pay BUT I don't have the money to pay. I'm not a "professional" like the rest of my affluent friends. So I decided to combine my love of eating with my desire for money and badabing-badaboom, I came up with this new money making endeavor to satisfy the hungry ninja within:

Lately, I've been earning cash eating food that you shouldn't eat regularly or ever. SO, I started The Ninja Fund.



I am making my Ninja dreams come true by completing any food related dare in return for a monetary donation.

As of now I have two dares:

1. Donor: Cameron
Donation Amount: $1.00 + cost of food item
Dare: Drink Steven Segal's Asian Experience Energy Drink

2. Donor: Adam
Donation: $2.00 + cost of food item
Dare: Drink any flavor of the Muscle Milk they sell at Jubilee in 2 minutes.


I am taking dares anytime because my fund is completely empty as of 11:05 PM on Monday February 11, 2008.



Also, the fund accepts spare change (Chuck).

Check out Ninja:

www.ninjanewyork.com

Or watch a video on youtube about Ninja:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LZeQNelpUmg

I can't wait to eat at Ninja with my "professional" friends. :)

Love,
Ninja Jenna

I reek geek.

Last night, a very funny comedian made fun of me because I looked especially white. Seemed pretty obvious to me but you know, whatev.

I had to taser myself just now for using the word "whatev."

I think my favorite jokes are about food. Probably because I love food. I'm not a skinny girl but I'm not really fat either. I don't really know where that leaves me. Chunky? Stumpy? Round? Jolly? Uncomfortable? It's so uncomfortable going to a restaurant with girls who are insecure about their weight. They eat like they're afraid of food. Like it's some mysterious substance that they've never seen before. They move it around their plates to make it look like they've eaten as little as possible. Then they get mad at me because I'm not fat and I eat everything on my plate.

I like to eat and I'm proud of it. Probably shouldn't be. Guys might ask me out more often if I didn't always eat off of their plate at dinner. That and generally ordering two meals and dessert is apparently a little over the top. I justify my over eating by drinking diet soda. I'll have four hamburgers, super sized fries (doesn't matter where I eat, I always ask for super size portions. "Half" portions? Yeah, right. "Half" salads? Are you on drugs?) and then I finish everything off with a diet coke.

Last year, I had to stop eating dairy products. I got IBS due to stress. Those of you who know what IBS is...awkward for you! I'm Mormon and the only things Mormons are allowed to do on the weekends is binge on ice cream so my social life kind of went out the window. Ok, so that's not like totally true but we Mormons, we don't drink alcohol (ever), have sex, drink coffee, blah blah blah, the list of don't continues. I don't really know why I'm explaining this because probably 99% of the six people who read this are Mormon. But seriously, Mormons are REALLY good at eating. I'm from Provo, Utah and when Krispy Kreme opened there, the entire city gained 10 pounds. Friday night? Donut run! Over and over again. Have you ever woken up with a glaze donut hangover? I have. The thought makes me shutter. The only way to remedy it is with a large pizza from Papa John’s, which of course, I can’t eat anymore because it hurts my bowels (my mom just cringed at my crudeness), so I gave up on donuts. Now, I just eat a lot of candy or Sunchips. Oh man, I love Sunchips.

Mormons are supposed to live moderate lives. Everything in moderation. But I think they forget that when it comes to food. I kid you not; every Sunday in Mormon households is like Thanksgiving. I could diet all week and still gain 4 pounds at Sunday dinner. I don’t know how moms do it. Sunday is supposed to be the day of rest but it never is with the Sunday feasts they have to prepare. My kids are going to hate me because I am just going to order twice the amount of takeout the night before and then make them eat the leftovers on Sunday, cold. It’s my day of rest so if they want it warm, they can use their energy but I’m resting. I just lost a few more dates with Mormon boys. I actually do like to cook. If I had a boy to impress, I’d be cooking/baking up a storm constantly. I had friends growing up whose moms had those annoying magnets on the fridge that said things like, “the fastest way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.” Besides that being a weird image, I never really liked that saying because I always felt left out. What about me? I like food? Why can’t a guy give me food all the time? Why do guys always suggest that I order a salad on dates? I don’t get it.

I found myself at a hotel bar once with a friend of mine. We were both Mormon so I'm not sure what we were trying to do there. You know, normal girls hang out at hotel bars trying to hook up with guys who are only in town for a night so it didn’t really make any sense why my friend wanted to go. I highly doubt any guy there was interested in being my scrabble partner for the evening. I don't really like meeting guys at bars because they are usually drunk and I'm not. The only reason I like talking to drunk people is because it's the only time in my life when I'm consistently funny. Like if you are drinking and reading this, you probably think I'm way funnier. Also, if you’re drinking and reading this, you are an alcoholic. Get help, buddy. If a drunk person doesn’t think I’m funny, I just punch him or her. Then if people are like, “Hey, why did you punch him or her? I’m like, “He called me fat.” or “She stole by boyfriend.” Those always work. But if I meet some guy at a bar and he's super annoying, all I have to do is tell him that I'm looking for someone to marry me for ETERNITY. That usually does the trick. "Eternity, huh? So you actually meant scrabble when you asked me to be your scrabble partner. Goodbye Jessica." Drunk guys never get my name right which is weird because Jessica is way harder to say than Jenna. I still don’t know why my friend wanted me to go to a hotel bar though. It’s not like bar food actually tastes good. It just tastes better than beer…uh…I think…because I don’t drink…ever.

I know I said I love food but I really don’t like chicken wings which I believe is a pretty standard bar food item. At least they are at the classy bars I've been to. I had some chicken wings at a superbowl party last weekend and honestly, I’m not sure there is anything less attractive than me or anyone for that matter eating a chicken wing. I ate one and I don’t think I ever swallowed any chicken because it all got stuck in my teeth after the first bite. Also, I’m not sure there actually is chicken on chicken wings because it is all very slimy and saucy. So nope, don’t like chicken wings. Not at all. Bar food isn’t really great on the IBS though, as you can imagine. Pretty much everything irritates the bowels at bars.

Anyway, so food. I love it. I love it a lot.

One of my favorite comedians, Jim Gaffigan, does some funny shiz about food. There are a ton of clips of him on youtube. If you want to watch them, go to youtube. I recommend his stuff on hot pockets. It’s amazing!

Have a great day people. I know I will. I’m going to go eat some candy. And maybe a burrito.

I learned something today...

I had a date with myself at Chipotle today.

Anyway, my mom sent this e-mail full of information I didn't know about rats. Here's what it said:

2008: The Year of the Rat

Facts of some interest:

There is a wide variety in size and habitat in the rat family, from small forest dwellers to the 18 inch African field rat.

The most common problem species are the Norway rat, a skilled swimmer, and the climbing Common rat.

A rat’s intelligence and ability to adapt make rats persistent pests, good pets, and useful laboratory animals


Why rats come first on the Chinese zodiac calendar:

High above China long ago, the Sky Emperor invited 12 animals from the world below to his lofty abode. “There are 12 years in our calendar cycle.” He declared, “And I wish to name one year after each of you.”

“And which one of us should come first, my King?” said Rat. “I am smart and can live anywhere; it should be me.” “Why?” said Ox, “I am mighty and strong.”

The emperor decided to let the children of Earth choose. At first, the boys and girls delighted to ride on gentle Ox’s back, and ignored Rat because she was so small. But Rat begged the Emperor to make her as big as Ox for a day, where upon the children jumped up and down in excitement to see such a wondrous sight, and forgot all about Ox.

“You are the winner, Rat,” said the Emperor. “You shall come first.”

Obviously, a Chinese folktale…

Children born in the year of the Rat are clever, ambitious, hard working, and have long, pointy noses.

Funny Videos I've Been Watching Lately

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PPsUmhqncAg

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b9CK37sqoz0

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DFcIH2tK2iM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EkjnvZnTmsw

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_OBlgSz8sSM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FAYWPV3F41Y

(I don't approve of children swearing but this toddler's logic is dead on.)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q9yAkBSrMk0

U r a better man than me... I am NOT a man.

Normally I don't like to blog about my life but my weekend was pretty fun and I have nothing else to talk about so...blah blah blah...

1. A group of large, crazy, drunk New York men called me a beeyotch (but they used the real word) numerous times thanks to my friend Adam and his Boston hat.

2. Several of my Mormon friends threw a football around on Wall St. after the bowl ended. I threw a terrible pass. It looked especially funny because I was in my church clothes. Ha, that makes me sound like a nun.

3. I sang a jingle for Hertz that could potentially be on TV and the song has been in my head ALL weekend.

4. I received a love letter from a guy who lives in Harlem. In the card, there was poem that said:

...the sun didn't beam
as brightly
the moon didn't hang
quite as high
the earth didn't move
under my feet
and the stars didn't glow
in my eyes,
...til there was you

with love,
Harlem

5. I ate an entire bag of Sunchips. And not a small bag. A BIG bag as well as three turkey sandwiches. (I didn't eat all three at the same time but would for a small fee.)

6. I made a cake for the Superbowl party at 2301. Holla! (Genevieve, your new TV is awesome.)



7. I wore control top nylons for a record breaking 12 hours. I lost circulation to my feet after about 4.

8. I saw some of the worst dancing New York has to offer and although I did go to Mormon dance party where I saw and contributed to dancing was so awesomely bad it gave me nerdy chills, this professional dance company was a lot worse. In fact, I think the Mormon dance party would have been much more entertaining for the audience.

9. My mom is trapped at home in Utah due to two feet of fresh snow.

10. I talked on the phone for an unmentionable amount of time with this guy I once knew and now know again who has a super sexy voice.

11. Due to lack of sleep and stress, I may be getting a cold. I went to Duane Reade to buy "cold-eeze," a product that my mom swears by, and water. While there, I heard the song "Bye, Bye, Bye" by 'Nsync and loved every second of it. I still love BSB better but the song made me feel great. I danced down the isles.

12. Although I enjoy many Tom Petty songs, I felt that his performance at the Superbowl was a little boring. I needed some more spark. A little fire! Literally. Fire on stage is always a good idea.

Lastly, I am watching Akeelah and the Bee right now. Oh my gosh, I am going to be a wreck by the end of this movie. I cried after the first spelling bee. Ugh...

Oh la la!

Je suis. C'est tout.

McRib McVenture!

My Night of McRibbery

First of all, I didn’t realize that anyone actually ate at McDonalds unless they were in a foreign country and needed a super sized boost of America. I’ve always considered McDonalds as an occasional breakfast spot on vacation or a place to get a good diet coke before my mom, sister, and I roam the Dollar Tree.

I’ve been hearing a lot about the McRib lately. It’s BACK although I’m not quite sure where it went. Maybe it was locked away somewhere with the Spice Girls. They're back too!

Maybe McDonalds thinks if they pretend it's a big deal that the McRib is BACK then everyone will jump for joy and eat at McDonalds immediately. It’s like what I used to do to my brother Chuck when we were kids and my mom would ask me to help him clean his room. I’d get really excited and act like cleaning his room was more fun than Christmas or eating a Snickers bars or the Backstreet Boys reunion tour. Chuck would be energized about cleaning his room and thinking he was having a great time, would clean like a maniac while I casually strolled around his room watching.

(The rest of this blog post may or may not be 100% factual. This is why I didn’t major in journalism.)

I guess what goes around comes around because I’ll admit McDonalds completely suckered me into their McRib madness.

Last week as I drove past McDonalds and was filled with this mysterious tingly feeling.



The marquee spoke to me and the spinning golden arch left me hypnotized. All I wanted was the McRib! Oh McRib! Where have you been all these years???

I stared at the menu pondering.



I knew fate led me into that McDonalds because there was an even greater promotion than the McRib. If you bought a McRib combo meal, you could order a second McRib for only $1.00!!! I’m a sucker for dollar deals but I knew I couldn’t or shouldn’t eat a second sandwich alone so I called for backup. (Remember, some of this may not be 100% true i.e. I could probably eat two of just about anything.) My brother-in-law Clay came to the scene almost immediately. I knew I could count on him.



We both stood and stared at the menu in awe.

I hated everyone in front of us. The high school kids with their cell phones and their indecisive ordering. Yes, just get the chicken nuggets kids meal and no, don’t pay for it with the spare change that you found under the seat of your nasty car. Finally it was my turn. I ordered with more enthusiasm than The Pointer Sisters. I was so excited and no, I definitely couldn’t hide it.

The employee slapped that saucy meat on the bun, added the pickles and onions, and wrapped my precious McRib in it’s designated paper. I brought our McRibs back to the table.



Clay confessed that he hadn’t felt this emotional since his daughter’s birth.

Where are the ribs in this McRib sandwich?



The meat lacks the actual bone and yet looks like a rack of ribs How could that be? We probably don’t want to know. I imagine it might be worse than finding out what a hotdog is actually made of or perhaps what kind of meat is really served in the “beef” gordita at Taco Bell or why there are thumbs in Wendy’s Chili. (I know that was planted but it’s still terrifying to imagine.) I should add that I continue to eat all three of these examples regularly except thumbs of course. I’ll eat just about anything actually. For example: (warning: this has nothing to do with the McRib)

At Christmas, I ate a mysterious piece of candy called “reindeer corn” that had been placed in Janae’s ear, Clay’s bellybutton, and licked by my brother Tyler’s pug for $1.00. I ate two other pieces of Dollar Tree candy that had also been tampered with for another $2.00. I’ll do, no I take it back, I’ll EAT anything for a small fee and a hardy laugh. I earned $3.00 that night and then used it to go to the Provo Rec Center Gym the next day. I’m not sure I will ever grow up.

Anyway back to the glorious McRib!



It was particularly saucy.



I even stole a little bite of Clay’s when he wasn’t looking.



There's nothing like a Diet Coke to top it off.



I’m not really sure what happened to me after I ate the McRib.



All I know is when I woke up the next morning, I will still in my car, I had a massive headache, and a giant scar on my lower back. Clay was nowhere to be found.

My greatest fear was confirmed at the doctor later that week. I was missing an organ. One of my kidneys disappeared. Vanished. And I was left with this horrible scar. I really wish I could remember what happened to me after I left McDonalds.

Everytime I see an ad for them now, the empty space left by my kidney aches, likes it’s calling, reaching out...

What are McRibs made of?

Apologies

Oh Hillary, why did you have to go and get emotional on me??? Now I feel bad for implying that you might be a dude.

Also, Britney, bipolar disorder??? I can't make fun of that. Ugh...

2008 Predictions!!!

I'm back.

I had a great Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year.

I was named the Jones Family Christmas Cheese 2007.

In other news, it's a New Year. Here's what's going to happen in 2008:

1. New President = New Dude for me to blame all of the world's problems on. (What if Hillary wins? Statement remains the same.)

2. There are going to be a lot of new babies this year. Britney will manage to have another one, maybe two along with her little sister. Britney's new babies will replace the two who were taken away from her. Teenage pregnancy will become the new rage leaving High School Musical no choice but to "scank it up."*****

3. Miley Cyrus a.k.a. Hannah Montana might abuse some kind of substance.

4. Al Gore will end the WGA strike. If he can save the world, why can't he save TV???

5. I will get a legit boyfriend. I have no idea what that means. As opposed to all of my illegitimate boyfriends???

6. Tom Cruise will realize he's gay, leave Katie Holmes, date Carrot Top (Who will also realize he's gay) and then host a talk show with Rosie O'Donnell.

7. I will stop teenagers from using "half-words" such as "presh" or "fab" or "sched" with my giant taser.

8. Katie Couric will go back to the today show, please! Meredith will continue hosting Millionaire. Yes, that show is still on TV.

9. California could potentially fall into the ocean. If it doesn't, I am praying that the characters from The Hills on MTV will.

10. The movie "The Hills Are Blind" will come out. It will send me into therapy just like The Hills Have Eyes 1 & 2 did for the past two years.

11. Facebook will come to life and eat our brains. We will forever be controlled by our profile mini-feed.

12. Taco Bell will bring back Nacho Dog!

13. Didn't you hear? The McRib is BACK!

14. Bajio will move to NYC. If you don't know what Bajio is, I weep for you.

15. I will lose 10 pounds. So will Al Gore? I'm just saying it couldn't hurt, could it? (I probably won't lose 10 pounds.)

16. I will find Stephen Segal along with one of his DVD's at the $5 bin at Wal-Mart, make him sign the DVD, give it to my Dad for Father's Day and finally be my dad's fourth favorite child!

17. I will attempt to graduate from college in May. If it doesn't work out, there's always marriage or McDonalds! (Employee discount = reduced price McRib = happy happy Jenna and Clay!!!)

The End.

P.S. I don't eat McRibs. Let me make myself clear again: I've never eaten a McRib. I don't think a McRib is actually made of ribs. How can the McRib sandwich look like ribs but have no bones? Hmmm?????

*****I in no way support "scanking" anything "up" but since this is a prediction of the year to come, I am forced to face reality. What is the world coming to?