I reek geek.

Last night, a very funny comedian made fun of me because I looked especially white. Seemed pretty obvious to me but you know, whatev.

I had to taser myself just now for using the word "whatev."

I think my favorite jokes are about food. Probably because I love food. I'm not a skinny girl but I'm not really fat either. I don't really know where that leaves me. Chunky? Stumpy? Round? Jolly? Uncomfortable? It's so uncomfortable going to a restaurant with girls who are insecure about their weight. They eat like they're afraid of food. Like it's some mysterious substance that they've never seen before. They move it around their plates to make it look like they've eaten as little as possible. Then they get mad at me because I'm not fat and I eat everything on my plate.

I like to eat and I'm proud of it. Probably shouldn't be. Guys might ask me out more often if I didn't always eat off of their plate at dinner. That and generally ordering two meals and dessert is apparently a little over the top. I justify my over eating by drinking diet soda. I'll have four hamburgers, super sized fries (doesn't matter where I eat, I always ask for super size portions. "Half" portions? Yeah, right. "Half" salads? Are you on drugs?) and then I finish everything off with a diet coke.

Last year, I had to stop eating dairy products. I got IBS due to stress. Those of you who know what IBS is...awkward for you! I'm Mormon and the only things Mormons are allowed to do on the weekends is binge on ice cream so my social life kind of went out the window. Ok, so that's not like totally true but we Mormons, we don't drink alcohol (ever), have sex, drink coffee, blah blah blah, the list of don't continues. I don't really know why I'm explaining this because probably 99% of the six people who read this are Mormon. But seriously, Mormons are REALLY good at eating. I'm from Provo, Utah and when Krispy Kreme opened there, the entire city gained 10 pounds. Friday night? Donut run! Over and over again. Have you ever woken up with a glaze donut hangover? I have. The thought makes me shutter. The only way to remedy it is with a large pizza from Papa John’s, which of course, I can’t eat anymore because it hurts my bowels (my mom just cringed at my crudeness), so I gave up on donuts. Now, I just eat a lot of candy or Sunchips. Oh man, I love Sunchips.

Mormons are supposed to live moderate lives. Everything in moderation. But I think they forget that when it comes to food. I kid you not; every Sunday in Mormon households is like Thanksgiving. I could diet all week and still gain 4 pounds at Sunday dinner. I don’t know how moms do it. Sunday is supposed to be the day of rest but it never is with the Sunday feasts they have to prepare. My kids are going to hate me because I am just going to order twice the amount of takeout the night before and then make them eat the leftovers on Sunday, cold. It’s my day of rest so if they want it warm, they can use their energy but I’m resting. I just lost a few more dates with Mormon boys. I actually do like to cook. If I had a boy to impress, I’d be cooking/baking up a storm constantly. I had friends growing up whose moms had those annoying magnets on the fridge that said things like, “the fastest way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.” Besides that being a weird image, I never really liked that saying because I always felt left out. What about me? I like food? Why can’t a guy give me food all the time? Why do guys always suggest that I order a salad on dates? I don’t get it.

I found myself at a hotel bar once with a friend of mine. We were both Mormon so I'm not sure what we were trying to do there. You know, normal girls hang out at hotel bars trying to hook up with guys who are only in town for a night so it didn’t really make any sense why my friend wanted to go. I highly doubt any guy there was interested in being my scrabble partner for the evening. I don't really like meeting guys at bars because they are usually drunk and I'm not. The only reason I like talking to drunk people is because it's the only time in my life when I'm consistently funny. Like if you are drinking and reading this, you probably think I'm way funnier. Also, if you’re drinking and reading this, you are an alcoholic. Get help, buddy. If a drunk person doesn’t think I’m funny, I just punch him or her. Then if people are like, “Hey, why did you punch him or her? I’m like, “He called me fat.” or “She stole by boyfriend.” Those always work. But if I meet some guy at a bar and he's super annoying, all I have to do is tell him that I'm looking for someone to marry me for ETERNITY. That usually does the trick. "Eternity, huh? So you actually meant scrabble when you asked me to be your scrabble partner. Goodbye Jessica." Drunk guys never get my name right which is weird because Jessica is way harder to say than Jenna. I still don’t know why my friend wanted me to go to a hotel bar though. It’s not like bar food actually tastes good. It just tastes better than beer…uh…I think…because I don’t drink…ever.

I know I said I love food but I really don’t like chicken wings which I believe is a pretty standard bar food item. At least they are at the classy bars I've been to. I had some chicken wings at a superbowl party last weekend and honestly, I’m not sure there is anything less attractive than me or anyone for that matter eating a chicken wing. I ate one and I don’t think I ever swallowed any chicken because it all got stuck in my teeth after the first bite. Also, I’m not sure there actually is chicken on chicken wings because it is all very slimy and saucy. So nope, don’t like chicken wings. Not at all. Bar food isn’t really great on the IBS though, as you can imagine. Pretty much everything irritates the bowels at bars.

Anyway, so food. I love it. I love it a lot.

One of my favorite comedians, Jim Gaffigan, does some funny shiz about food. There are a ton of clips of him on youtube. If you want to watch them, go to youtube. I recommend his stuff on hot pockets. It’s amazing!

Have a great day people. I know I will. I’m going to go eat some candy. And maybe a burrito.