Sometimes people mistake me for...

...a pretty person.  Sometimes not.  

Most recently, an East Village hippie hipster mistook me for a homeless person.  As I stood on the corner waiting for the little white man to give me the go ahead, the hipster came up to me, mentioned the cold weather, hard times and offered me his left over entree from a "delicious vegetarian place down the street."  Really? Really?  Excuse me, but do I look like...

...a vegetarian?  Hells no.  

Then I went to McDonald's and ate two Big Macs just to make sure I wasn't.

Maybe I should take a shower and stop wearing that sign around my neck that says, "Homeless. Family was killed by Ninjas.  Need money to take Ninja lessons."  That or I should add, "Also NOT a vegetarian."  

Love,

Jenna

Sometimes our hearts are softened...

...and I'm a changed woman.

Fact: I've never respected Star Trek. I love making fun of those weirdo kids who speak trekie language and go to conferences to nerd each other and the rest of the guests at the Holiday Day Inn out.

Confession: If anyone could change my mind about Star Trek, it's J.J. Abrams. The preview for his new Star Trek movie is AWESOME. There, I said it. I feel so much better. I've been carrying around that guilt bomb for a couple of days now and I couldn't take it anymore.

Folks, I'm excited for the new Star Trek movie.

Watch the preview.

Wow, I'm exhausted. I need to big gulp as soon as possible. (big gulp: verb meaning to drown away all emotions by drinking 32-64 ounces of Diet Coke from 7/11, on the rocks of course. One of the many words that will be in Jenna's Dictionary of Fake and/or Half Words. Coming soon, nowhere near you.)

Love,
Jenna

Sometimes things...

...change.

In honor of the new President, his new Chief of Staff and Sarah Palin's new wardrobe***, I am going to write a post about...

MY NEW ATTITUDE?

NO.

MY NEW LOVE OF HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL...3?

NO.

WHATEVER I WANT?

BINGO.

I guess some things never change.

What's on my mind? Well, it seems that ever since I wrote my facebook post about "the always important because I need to know what you are doing every second status," my blog has been extra popular: the hits keep coming. Why? Because people actually google, "how to write a good facebook status" or "what are interesting facebook status?" or "facebook status about Mondays," etc. Sadly for them, my blog is the only advice they get.

It occurred to me that my warning, you know, the one where I told you facebook was devouring our brains, was true. It seems that facebook has devoured our brains and now that our lives revolve around it, I've made a few more observations.

I'm 100% sure that people still take pictures...but not because they want to remember a special moment, time, person, place or thing. People take pictures so they can post them on facebook.

I'm going to start taking pictures solely with the intent of putting them on facebook. They will be a selection of staged photos compiled in aptly named albums that will "brand" me. You know, make me appear how I want. I will be the best publicist for myself EVER.

I will keep these pictures on a private setting until needed. Then I will share them with our new facebook world.

For example if I am looking for a job, I would pull out one of the following albums so my future boss could look me up and see what a good employee I could be:

• 1st Place at the Birthday Cake Baking Convention
• 95% sure Africa is a continent.
• Punctual Mondays!

Or if I was trying to impress a boy I'd make a picture album full of my most hilarious, fun and attractive moments like:

• My weekend of Baseball games, hot dogs and action films!
  
• Look At All of My Ugly Friends.
  
• My Milkshake

For my Republican friends I would post:

• Annual Quail Hunting Extravaganza - Watch Out or I'll Shootchya!
  
• Labor Day Weekend at Daddy's 4th House
  
• Pray for Gays

For my Democrat friends I would post:

• Religion is for Republicans
  
• An Inconvenient Truth Premiere - Because I Get It
  
• My First Welfare Check

If I wanted to portray myself as a family gal I would post:

• My [Birthing] Hips Don't Lie
  
• Babies R Me
  
• An Aunt Like No Other

For my "Hipster" friends I would post:

• Pics of graffiti in the East Village - Art is Life, Life is Art
  
• Dirty Hair and Scarves - My New Favorite Indie Band
  
• My Skinny Jeans are Tighter than Yours
  

Let the picture taking begin!

Love,
Jenna


***Sarah Palin got to keep the clothes she spent $150,000 on during the election as a consolation prize, right? Maybe she's saving them until 2012? Maybe? Huh? Getting a little nervous? This isn't the last of the Palin-ator. She'll be back and next time she is bringing even bigger guns (and probably a couple more kids too).

Sometimes I think I want to run a marathon...

...and then I see the New York City Marathon victims limping around the subways with a look of despair in their faces as they make their way home in their spandex shorts wrapped in a blanket.

Really? Is it worth the pain?

Probably. I'm going to start training...tomorrow...after I eat the rest of my Halloween candy.

Love,
Jenna

Sometimes all I think about...

...is this stupid election.

I'm not sure there is anything else going on in the world. But then again, I live in the center of the Universe so if the election is important in NYC, then it must be the only thing worth talking about in this world.

Yesterday, Sen. Lindsey Graham of South Carolina said that McCain would win in North Carolina, a traditionally Republican state, even though the polls show that Obama and McCain are dead even.

Graham said, “He fits North Carolina like a glove. I’ll beat [Olympic gold medalist] Michael Phelps in swimming before Barack Obama wins North Carolina."

Stranger things have happened. And I hear that a 55 year old Senator is the new 22 year old ripped fish-man. Maybe he has webbed toes, rubber limbs and plate hands too? Nah, I've seen this Sen. Lindsey Graham and he's a total Southern Belle, if you know what I mean.

Love,
Jenna

Sometimes picking a Halloween Costume...

...can be very stressful.

This Halloween some of the popular costumes include:

1. Sarah Palin dressed in WalMart's clothing line
2. Tina Fey as Sarah Palin as Tina Fey
3. John McCain before he died
4. Joe the slutty plumber
5. A delinquent mortgage

Here are my options for Halloween Costume this year:

1. A lesbian or Zac Efron
2. A "healthier" version of Cindy McCain
3. Rachael Ray (But not because I look like her...)
4. Two Face: Half Obama Mama, half McCainiac
5. Uh, Apple

What or who are you going to be? Don't tell me. I don't care THAT much unless you are 5 years old or younger.

Best thing about Halloween? Candy, duh. Worst thing about Halloween? Everything else.

Love,
Jenna

Sometimes, especially in times of economic hardship...

...people need to learn how to scale back.

How to save money during a recession:

Buy nothing. Steal if you have to.

Or

Move to California, turn into a hippie (in no particular order), live on a vineyard or some other form of open space in a tiny, and I mean tiny house just big enough for you and your home grown Mary Jane. (Tiny houses as seen on CNN.com or as Sarah Palin might call them, "Trailers for the Liberal Eeelite.")

On the other hand, saving money is great, but the real quest, the real American in all of us is searching for ways to make money but no more than $250,000 otherwise taxes will be a beeyotch when Obama begins his reign.

How to make money during a recession:

Find a treasure map with your group of misfit friends, run from an Italian family of crooks (as if there are any other kind) and make sure you bring plenty of Baby Ruth's. Trust me, you'll find the treasure. I've seen it a million times.

Have a yard sell, I mean, sale. (Whoops, that's the real American side of me coming through.)

Start a business selling liquor filled chocolate money bags.

Lastly, get a job in the television industry. What does Joe the Wall Street Investment Banker do when he doesn't have any money? He stays in, orders cheap Chinese food (as if there is any other kind) and watches cable on his flat screen 47" LCD HDTV.

Love,
Jenna

Sometimes people think I should run...

...for Blonde. Not because I'm against brunettes. If elected, I could bring peace to a hair rivalry that has lasted altogether too long.

Being an unnaturally unnatural blonde, I've experienced and understand both sides of the hair color issues. I've reached across the aisle in an attempt to unite blondes and brunettes in order to put looks aside and do what is best for all, hair or no hair. I’ve dyed my hair myself for years. I’m an outsider to the hair colorist insiders. To them, I’m a hair maverick, mavericking my way through an unmavericky world.

I’m experienced. I don’t know how many times I have to tell you this but let me repeat myself, I am a very experienced born again blonde maverick.

Trust me.

Why?

1. My roots make me legit.

2. My hair glows = Beacon of light

3. Always able to meet or exceed extremely low expectations.

4. A flip of the hair is more powerful than a “Gosh darn, can I call you Joe?, wink.”

5. I never pal around with red heads.

6. Blonde's are way funner.

Blondes and brunettes, put your differences aside.

Vote.

Love,
Jenna

Sometimes we are all tools...

...in the worst sense of the word.

So what?

Love,
Pink

Sometimes I start hilarious posts...

...and forget to finish them. I wrote some funny stuff about Sarah Palin last Friday morning. Now the jokes are outdated. I've heard several similar to them. So that post is lost forever. Never to be read by my 16 readers.

Sorry boys and women, I'll write faster next time.

Anything anyone not tired of hearing about that I could write about to distract ourselves from the election, the economy and the end of the earth?

No?

Well...

Another big debate tonight. McCain's supposed to kill. Not literally, although he's capable of it. Obama, well, he just has to answer the questions. Who has the low expectations now?

Here are my questions about tonight's big debate:

How many people will get alcohol poisoning from the word "Maverick?"

How many times will I think about how bored I am?

How many times will McCain's heart almost stop?

Answers: countless people, countless thoughts, and countless near death heartbeats.

Love,
Jenna