Sometimes Mardi Gras...

...is just too fat. Mardi Gras is terrible. Everything I see and hear about fat Tuesday makes me cringe. For example, six people were shot in yesterday's Mardi Gras celebration in New Orleans. Well, technically seven but the 20 months old was only grazed by a bullet so it doesn't actually count. Everything about the last two sentences: terrible. And I'm sure that Girls Gone Wild crew captured ample amounts of drunk college girl footage for their next season of filth. Girls Gone Wild: terrible.

Anyway, that's not the point. Mardi Gras is the day before Lent.

People keep asking me what I'm giving up for Lent. Since I'm not Catholic, I'm not obligated to give up something for the next 40 days but that got me thinking. What would I give up for 40 days or even 40 weeks, months, years, dare I say, forever? I mean, if I had to. Which I don't. Although it's not a bad idea. I do have a few suggestions for other people...

1. Chris Brown: Hitting (Obviously...)
2. Michael Phelps: Pot
3. Reality Television: Bret Michaels (America has enough STD's and although it seems (and actually is) impossible, I think Rock of Love viewers are immediately infected with at least one.)
4. Chris Matthews: Shouting (He's going to explode one of these days.)
5. Rick Sanchez: Twitter
6. Hugh Jackman: Hosting award shows
7. Baconnaise: Bacon or Mayonnaise (One of you has to go.)
8. McDonald's: The McRib
9. Beyonce: Leotards (I've had enough! Dance wearing pants! Dance wearing pants or don't dance at all!)
10. Tyler Perry: Female fat suits
11. Jessica Simpson: Poptarts
12. Simon Cowell: Paula Abdul
13. Geese: Playing chicken with airplanes

The world's not perfect, folks. But wouldn't it be nice if we could all give up something to improve ourselves? I've been saying "folks" a lot lately. It needs to stop. That's what I'll give up. Goodbye, folks! Hello, nerds. Is that better, nerds? Get used to hearing it, nerds. (Alright, fine. Other things I should give up: WebMD, SunChips, Diet Coke and heroin, I mean, being a heroine. I just can't save everyone.)

Love,
Jenna

P.S. I'm not a drug addict. It just hit me that heroin and heroine were pronounced the same and are only separated in spelling by one measly "e." Sometimes I'm dumb. I know, stop. You're a nerd! But seriously...kind of interesting. I got it! I'm a heroine addict. You know, addicted to being a heroine. Ha! Ok, I'm finished. Let's pretend I never typed this.)