Sometimes Wild Turkeys...

...attack! They're fierce.



Why is this so funny?

Love,
Jenna

Jenna Kim's Fake Rumors 10/26/09

The Miracle of the Hudson: The World Series starts tomorrow...maybe. It's pouring rain today in New York City and according to weather.com it's going to keep raining. Maybe Kate Hudson could stop the rain? I mean, she's turned A-Rod into the superstar baseball player Yankees fans hoped he could be so perhaps she knows someone in Mother Nature's offices? Rumor is, she's nearly persuaded A-Rod to convert to Buddhism. Now, I don't know about you but I didn't realize she was such a spiritual giant. I did not get that vibe from her in How to Lose A Guy in 10 Days. (She better not mess with his heart in the next few weeks or New York City will NEVER forgive her. There will be riots.)

Lohan Unleashed: After partying too hard (and stealing a fur coat), Lohan was banned from many New York City clubs. The ban was recently lifted and she's allowed back in. Those clubs must be struggling and need a little publicity because I can't imagine any other reason to let her back in. Hide your coats, ladies, because it's cold outside and I heard Lohan is in the market for a new one.

The Hills Have Boyfriends: Kristen Cavallari, the new star of The Hills (the old star of Laguna Beach: The Real O.C.) has a secret off camera boyfriend. I personally hope it's Stephen from Laguna Beach (Suck on THAT, Lauren Conrad!) though I think it's someone we DON'T know. The Hills' producers are NOT pleased. And here's what I say to them: RELAX. WE ALL KNEW THE SHOW WAS FAKE BEFORE IT EVEN STARTED. I wasn't exactly shocked to find out she had a real life boyfriend. The only reason that the show isn't 100% scripted is because the cast doesn't know how to read and can only remember so many words.

My Weekly Smelly Person Rant: Katy Perry, the Lady-Kissing-Hot-and-Cold-Diva-Queen, turned 25 this week.

Did you know she's dating that?

Russel Brand smells.

Now I usually don't like to cast judgment on the person another person chooses to date since I, myself, don't exactly have a great dating track record. Not to mention, I hang out with a lot of comedians, so I'll probably end up dating one of them which is absolutely fine as I completely accepted the fact that I wouldn't marry a physically attractive man a long time ago. BUT Russell Brand is the least attractive comedian I've ever seen. He looks like he smells like a dirty boys dorm room all the time. The smell of alcohol, weed, sweat, pizza and farts are all trapped up in his skinny jeans. Guh. I'm going to be sick.

Two Oranges on Two Toothpicks: The Olsen twins have a few fashion line coming out at JC Penney. I looked through some pictures of the twins and their clothes and I can't remember what any of the clothes look like because I was so focused on their massive heads. I hope they sell hats in size Mary Kate and Ashley because I'll finally be able to find a hat to fit my giant noggin'.

Hot Water on Set: A production assistant on the set of Channing Tatum's new movie accidentally poured a pot of boiling water over the star. Being a production assistant myself, I can't tell you how that story made my heart sink. I'm sure he or she was fired immediately and has yet to recover from the idea of possibly scarring one of the most attractive men in the movie industry. Hey, if Channing can sing, maybe he can star in The Phantom of the Opera?

Love,
Jenna

Mid Week Pop Music Pick Me Up 10/14/09

Introducing JUSTIN BIEBER

Aaron Carter wishes he was Justin Bieber. Booyah.

This kid's 15, he's got a cute little voice (which will hopefully not change too much after puberty) and girls love him. His single "One Time" is catchier than those stupid freecreditreport.com commercials but thankfully, Justin's a lot less annoying.

The Best Parts of the music video, "One Time:"

1. Justin is house sitting for Usher.

2. The video director does a great job hiding the fact that Justin's love interest is at least a foot taller than him. He must be a little guy because she is always leaning or sitting next to him. Girls are always bigger than boys at that age. Trust me, I have an entire journal from the 8th grade complaining about it.

3. I still think he sounds like Miley Cyrus sometimes.

Now watch and enjoy!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0-qQdw7Xpv4

And if you're wondering how to say his last name, it's pronounced Beeber, not Biber. I hope his fans call themselves Bieber Girls. He should wear a beeper and call it his Bieber.

It's Bieber time!

Love,
Jenna

Jenna Kim's Fake Rumors 10/12/09

It's been a while. You missed the rumors. I know.

I'm getting old. How is it possible that I don't know who Justin Bieber is? Maybe you're saying to yourself, "Justin who?" Well apparently he's the newest hottest 15 year old pop singer; signed by Usher and breaking preteens' hearts everywhere. I was upset that I, the queen of pop music (a self imposed title - it's up for debate, I agree) don't know the singing sensation. I immediately youtubed his very popular single and realized I had actually heard this adorable song before. "One Time" is catchy and charming and up until I saw the music video, I was sure it was a Miley Cyrus original. Whoops. Sorry, Justin (and Miley).

Speaking of Miley, the true Disney Princess, recently cancelled her Twitter account. Courtney Love also cancelled her account because if Miley can quit tweeting, she can quit tweeting (and cocaine). According to Ms. Miley, twitter was a waste of time and though I agree, it also sounds to me like she's trying to go from girl....to....woman and shed anything that might make her appear too young. Uh oh, don't do it Miley. We don't need any Britney repeats. Heaven forbid you end of up stealing fur coats like Lohan. Miley might already be on a downard slope. She was seen eating at Outback and left...without leaving a tip. Maybe she had a bad waiter? Maybe her awesome blossom wasn't so awesome? Who knows...I'd suggest not eating at Outback, if you ask me.

In Lohan family news, Michael, the father of the red headed firecrackwhore (yowsers, that's a catty thing to say), has been hanging out with Jon Gosselin. Oh come on, Jon! You want people to be on your side? Believe your whole "Kate is abusive" line? Don't hang out with a notoriously bad father. The two of them have been sitting around exchanging stories of how misunderstood they are while they try on each other's Ed Hardy apparel.

Lastly, it turns out that Ben Affleck and Matt Damon are related! Ben is Matt's father? Nope. Matt is Ben's half brother? Try again. Ben is Matt's grandma's sister's cousin's daughter's son? Close. Ok I'll tell you. They are tenth cousins one removed! Are people even related at that point? I'm probably their tenth cousin as well. The entire cast of The View are probably related to them as well. Barack Obama is probably related to them too. In fact, we're all probably related to Matt and Ben (though hopefully closer to Matt).

That's it for this week. Thanks for reading, you big nerds.

Love,
Jenna

Sometimes I get a little distracted...

...okay, fine, I'll take a break from watching the Backstreet Boys new music video and blog for you lovelies.

So Barack didn't win the Olympic bid for Chicago. Have you had Chicago Style pizza? It's worth it, world, I promise. But fine, whatever, they are having the 2016 Olympics in Rio...(I'd spell the rest of it out but that might require a dictionary...I'll pass...this whole half word trend is good for something. It's the perfect way to avoid spelling and still sound hip.) Rio, ol' Rio. I wonder how they won. Perhaps the Olympic committee figured out some kind of formula that could estimate the number of stabbings that could potentially occur in Chicago and Rio during the Olympics and Rio won by a few less murders. In any case, like any good friend would say comfortingly, Chicago, if they don't want you, you're obviously too good for them. Let's go get facials and read "O" Magazine.

Lauren Conrad, star of Laguna Beach: the Real O.C. and most currently, The Hills, "wrote" a book this year about a young girl who lives in L.A. and works in fashion, titled L.A. Candy. I know what you're thinking and I definitely thought the book was about cocaine and who knows, it could be. I haven't read it but I'm pretty sure it's just another version of Lauren Conrad's so called life. Nothing in that girl's life is real. Someday she is going to wake up and realize she has zero talent and no real friends and it's going to, uh, pardon my language, suck. Does she even have parents? Or is she some kind of robot that MTV created out of nothing? Yes, that all seems harsh and she probably has feelings so I shouldn't say any of this. I'm a jerk, I get it. Anyway, her book is going to be turned into a movie. I wonder who will star in it? Honestly, I'm hoping for Lindsay Lohan. That way the movie will be turned into an ABC Family Original and I can watch it with my friends for free while eating pizza rolls on my couch. That's right TOTINO'S PIZZA ROLLS! Hey, at least my life is real. Whatever, I'm normal.

How else can I talk about pizza in this post...

I met Slim Thug (see video below) on Friday at work (because I have a sweet job). It was my first and could be perhaps my only experience on the set of a rap music video (produced by The Daily Show). I also got a glimpse into the life of a video vixen. You know, those girlies who dance around in rap videos? Yeah, they exist. It's a profession, apparently. And those girls, wow, they know how to move in heels and spandex like I've never really seen anyone move before. It was intimidating. And gross.

Also, Slim Thug doesn't eat pizza. I know that to be a fact. He is prone to high cholesterol, though I probably shouldn't be spreading that around. It could be his only weakness and he doesn't want his nemesis (who I hope is named Fat Thug or Chubby Thug or some variation of that) to find out. I just had to figure out some way to tie pizza into this! Overall, he was a nice guy.

My coworker offered me $300 to be a "rap ho" (That's what they're called, I'm not being judgmental!) for Halloween. Tempting! Though it seems like those "dresses" they wear might be a little cold. Also, I'm not sure they make them in size "white girl butt."

You've been a great audience, thanks for reading. Be a real audience this Wednesday at Stand Up NY. Details in previous post below.

I like you but not as much as Letterman likes his female staffers. Zing! I'm actually pretty weirded (not a real word, by the way) out by the whole situation especially since I worked there for a short time. Making light of it kind of freaks me out/makes me sad. I take it back. Guh, I hate my guilt complex.

I've got to stop writing late at night.

Love,

Jenna

P.S. Brian of the Backstreet Boys came down with the Swine Flu. If the Backstreet Boys aren't immune, none of us are. Wash your swine, people. And your hands too. Oink!

The Octoberfest Comedian Showcase!!!

Please come out to the ALL-STAR COMEDIAN SHOW @ on WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 7th At 8:30 PM at STANDUP NY COMEDY CLUB (78th and Broadway)

This show will be one of the best of the year featuring comedians from MTV, COMEDY CENTRAL, HBO, LETTERMAN, LAST CALL with CARSON DALY AND CONAN O"BRIEN.

BOB DIBUONO: MTV's "TRL", FOX'S "Red Eye", SPIKE TV, Jim Bruer Unleashed on Sirius Satellite Radio
http://bobdibuono.com/

JOEY GAY: NBC's "Last Comic Standing", Comedy Central
http://www.comedycentral.com/videos/index.jhtml?videoId=86843

ERIC LYDEN: CBS's "Comics Unleashed".
http://www.ericlyden.com/

VIC HENLEY: Comedy Central Presents
http://www.vichenley.com/

Jenna Kim Jones: Competitive Eater as seen at most fast food joints in the Midtown Area, Hottie Extraordinaire, Acclaimed funny person by her Doorman (occasionally) and a cab driver (once).
http://www.peopleofwalmart.com

Please call and make a reservation by MONDAY, October 5TH at 212-595-0850

Admission is $15 per person with a two-drink mimimum.

It's a "fest" in October! How could you say no??? GREAT! I'll see you there!!!

Love,

Jenna

Sometimes Obama is too smooth...

...and he comes off like his statue at Madame Tussauds Wax Museum in Times Squares.

Relax, man!

Barack Obama's amazingly consistent smile from Eric Spiegelman on Vimeo.

Love,
Jenna

Mid Week Pop Music Pick Me Up 9/23/09

You guys, I think I still love the Backstreet Boys.

Even though their new video barely makes sense. That's right, the BSB have a new music video because they have a new album coming out on October 6th. I have tried to fight the excitement in my heart but it keeps coming back like McKenzie Phillips to cocaine (yikes).

Their new music video, as I said, doesn't make a lot of sense. There is a weird intro about "hunters being hunted," a lesbian vampire, a lot of dancing and I've already said too much. Mmhmm, this video is off the shinizzzzlehook

Pay close attention to AJ's glow in the dark nail polish. He's SO edgy.

Now WATCH:



While watching, I was embarrassed for two reasons:

1. I realized the video is silly and they're probably too old for this
2. It still made me blush

So as a result, I've been trying to get Nick Carter to talk to me on twitter, unsuccessfully, but I will not give up that easily.

I'm pathetic, I know. Whatever, I'm normal.

Love,
Jenna

Remember when you used to blog?

That's what my friend, Alisa, said to me today and it nearly broke my heart. Ok my heart wasn't that close to breaking, it's been much closer--Ryan Reynolds, you really had to marry SCARJO? How could you!

I just feel a little guilty for neglecting my blog.

Though, feeling guilty isn't exactly a hard thing to make me feel. I experience guilt at least 12 times a day for things that don't really matter. I'm so guilty that I see a policeman and wrack my brain. Is he looking for me? Am I being arrested? Did I just jaywalk? I practically turn myself in. "Take me away officer, I forgot to call my mother earlier. Yes, I farted in the aisle at Duane Reade. Ok, fine, I tried a grape at the grocery store." You name it, I've felt guilty about it. And I wonder why I can't sleep well at night.

Anyway, the point is, I'm letting my 48 followers down. Of course, I think about all of you. I've been busy lately...but too busy for blogging? How dare I!

So I'm back. At least for tonight. I'm putting the premiere of House on the back burner. It will still be on my DVR in the morning. It will (I have to assure myself).

Gossip Girl can also wait. She's kind of a beeyotch anyway so I don't mind putting her in her place, whoever she is.

A month ago, I thought I was dying of another brain infection but that's only because I think I'm a doctor thanks to WebMD (I've self diagnosed a brain infection before). Turns out, there is nothing wrong with me at all but after spending a week on the symptom checker, I'm sure I've memorized almost every symptom and what they might lead to.

I really hated going to the doctor. WebMD was much more satisfying. WebMD doesn't make me feel crazy. It just allows me to be crazy. I bet doctors totally hate it and people like me.

I've realized though, we're all soft. And no, I did not just call you fat. I mean, we're pansies. No, we're not flowers, we're wusses. Yes, that's the word. With all the prescription drug ads on television, people just assume that there's a drug for everything, right? Like me, for example.

Doctor: So tell me what the problem is?

Jenna: Well, I'm just so sore. I'm all achy. I can barely walk.

Doctor: Have you worked out recently?

Jenna: Yesterday.

Doctor: And when was the last time you worked out before that?

Jenna: 1997

Doctor: You're experiencing sore muscles. That's normal.

Jenna: Right, well WebMD said I have Parkinson's or a rare bacteria infection that you can only get from a fungus in South American rain forests. I think it's the fungus one. I've decided we should amputate.

Doctor: No, you're just out of shape.

Jenna: Right, I hadn't really planned for that. If that is the case, what can you give me? Vicodin, percocet, you tell me, you're the "doctor."

Doctor: You don't need drugs, you need to work out more.

Jenna: Whoa, whoa...

Doctor: It couldn't hurt to lose...

Jenna: (awkward silence) Before I go, is there some way to make sore muscles sound like a bigger deal, you know, just so I can get out of work for a few days?

Doctor: Lazy-gluteus-maximus-syndrome.

Jenna: Awesome, thanks!

Whatever, I'm normal.

I hope you all miss me as much as I miss you.

Love,

Jenna

Sometimes MTV has a Video Music Awards Show...

...even though MTV hasn't played a music video since The Real World began its reign of terror (and STDs). Come to think of it, VMA kind of sounds like a disease...

MTV's Video Music Awards aired last night live from Radio City Music Hall. Thank goodness! I've got plenty of material to make my first week back to blogging so much easier!

It's almost too easy.

Should I start with the most obvious target of the night? Lady Gaga. I've said it before and I'll say it again, that girl is a freak. And not freaky, like let's get it on freaky. I mean, she is a weirdo. But of course, she chooses to act the way she does. My conclusion after watching her die on stage last night was this: I think I might actually be afraid of her. Does she ever just let down her hair (if she has any...I've only ever seen her in wigs), go back to whatever planet (or state) she's from, eat pizza (instead of human brains) and watch Gossip Girl (or reruns of Roseanne) like the rest of us? Or is she constantly trying to hide her face (she wears a lot of sparkles/feathers/bird's nests as a means of distraction from what seems to be a rather large nose)? I'm being harsh. She's a person too, I think. By the end of the night, she had changed her clothes at least 16 times and made Michael Jackson look like a regular ol' guy. Seriously, what was the nest she had around her face? If that's fashion, count me out. Even Tracy Morgan was afraid of her. And he's mentally insane. Put Taylor Swift and Lady Gaga next to each other and Taylor looks celestial.

Poor Taylor Swift. Kanye West had to steal her thunder. Actually, I take it back. This could perhaps be the greatest thing that's ever happened to Taylor's career. The whole country is on her side. And Kanye, well, George Bush hates black people and Kanye West hates country music. Hates country music but loves attention...turns out he was booked as Leno's guest on Leno's first episode of his primetime talk show. Cause a stir, gets lots of publicity and then make an appearance on a show that desperately needs ratings. Kanye, it's all very suspicious...VERY suspicious.

Madonna tried to make me feel bad about thinking MJ was strange. He was weird. He was talented and bizarre. So he had a weird and difficult childhood. So did I. So did everyone. Hard things happen...that doesn't mean you can cut off your face, become a prescription drug addict and pretend you're 10 forever. Don't get me wrong, I love MJ's music and his dancing...but I refuse to let Madonna preach to me about anything unless, of course, she has me in a choke hold.

There were a million other things that happened last night but I really couldn't watch the entire show. I saw snippets here and there but realized that at 23, I'm just too old for it all.

By the way, Russell Brand looked as smelly as ever, don't you think?

Happy post VMA day!

Love,

Jenna